Organised Crime
As a wee teenager I had got myself a job working evenings in a local store, ostensibly a pharmacy the place was more like a mini market with the absence of fresh goods. The job wasn't too hard and paid enough to keep a 6th Former in spending money.

However, myself and friends used to have regular get togethers of an evening at weekends for fun, comics and gaming and we liked to have snacks, soft drinks and so on to keep us sustained during these long arduous evenings.

Que me, working in the warehouse taking care of all the rubish generated on a day to day basis which was stacked up in black sacks out the back of the warehouse doors ready for a saturday morning collection. On friday nights my buddies would arrive to pick me up and I would have spent plenty of time that evening loading stock into black sacks and strapping red tape around the top of them. Buddies would arrive, load sacks from pile into van, drive around front to pick me up.

We're not talking small amounts of stuff either - multiple 6 packs of 2 litre bottles of drink, whole boxes of choccie bars and crisps - every week! Enough stuff to open a tuck shop really.

Looking back it's no surprise that my weight problem started to develop around then!
(ladroquin, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:02, Reply)

NOT shoplifting at B&Q
I recently found I was very irritated at being followed around B&Q by the worlds least subtle security guard who clearly thought I was a candidate for "shop & go" action.

The fact that I was just unable to find or buy the paint I needed due to their lack of signage, prices, colour charts, staff and stock made things worse. Not to mention that of all the people there I was probably least likely to steal anything, including the staff.

So I decided to tell them that. I emailed the head office ranting about the guard following me like a hawk and the crapness of their paint dept.

They apologised and sent me £10 (in voucher form).

So I got paid to not shoplift at B&Q !
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:58, 7 replies)

Thieving pikey crack-addict backstreet? Or Bargain Boulevard?...you decide

I have just heard of this place…might be an urban legend and no doubt the more experienced B3tards will either confirm the tale or metaphorically sink my bullshit battleship.

But here goes...

I am fortunate enough (If you can call it that) to have the kind of accent that can flit from chuff-chewing guttersnipe to landed royal gentry at the push of a magic brain button, and therefore mix with all types: Northern, Southern and everything in-between, from uber criminal to the flawless law-abiding, genius types to witless titwanks, I have time to spare for them all.

One of my regular establishments for the consumption of loopy lube fermented from that naughtiest of fruits (the apple) just so happens to be oft frequented by some of the ropiest scumsacks to fall out of the nearest rozzer hostel. It was from one of these such merry fellows that I heard of this place.

It is said to exist in Birmingham, but as easy as this place is to imagine, I would bet 6 bucks and my right nut that there is one in every major city at least.

We all know of the ‘Crack Alleys’ (fnarr). The happy tourist spots where, upon hint of dusk, the place fills choc-to-the-brim with filthy fuckspots busying themselves by injecting one and all in a glorious attempt to send their ever-shrinking brains on a voyage to Twattedsville, Arizona?

Well apparently these places have grown, evolved if you will. They’ve moved into the next street and tried to keep it clean(er)

Now I’m not a doctor of economics, but I believe I have managed to deduce how these sad life-stains obtain the monetary sustenance for their chemical fayre, despite generally being wasters of the highest order.

They rob stuff. Fucking shitloads of it in fact. Career shoplifters and burglars the lot of em'. Allegedly.

Now, due to the building reputation of Crack Alley, the dwellers of said street set up a basic market in the street next door, where at the crack (pardon the pun - arf) of dawn they are prepared to sell the results of their previous night’s hard thieving efforts for the tiniest amounts of your hard earned wad, in order to stump up the moola for their next fix.

I have been told these places are a veritable Alladin’s Cave of stolen stuff – from Xboxes to PCs to clothes, jewellery & perfume etc. All at bargain prices and in a convenient, one-stop-shop. Think Argos but cheaper and better quality (I don’t get a commission or anything in case you’re wondering).

So here’s where I come in. (Well, not yet but I’m seriously thinking about it). I like to do my bit for the underprivileged you know.

I’m busy this weekend but I’m gonna pop along for a browse in a week or two.

If I survive I’ll tell you how it went.

Place your orders here.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:55, 7 replies)

Stolen glasses..
Have already seen a few of the "walk out of the pub with a glass" stories but....

This wasn't just one glass. A dear, departed (ie dead!) ex colleague of mine. We were enjoying the official reopening of the newly refurbished pub (with stupid new name) beside our office building. We'd been enjoying it for several hours before we noticed that Alec had been stashing glasses at the side of his seat.

His excuse was that he was having a New Year party (a few weeks hence if I recall correctly) and needed some more drinking receptacles.

This didn't seem too bizarre, or even wrong, at the time, so we all pitched in with a few more empties, all shapes and sizes. Someone found a carrier bag, and we decided it was time to go.

We made sure that he was in the middle of the crowd of us leaving, and found ourselves safely out of the pub and round the corner, undetected. We all went our separate unsteady ways, to enjoy a work-free (if slightly hungover) weekend.

Come Monday, Alec limps painfully into work, to a chorus of "What did you do?" from all and sundry.

He'd got the stolen glasses on (and off) two buses to get home. He got them safely all the way to his front doorstep, where he tripped. And landed on the bag. The broken glass therein slashed his leg in two different places.

He got himself inside, checked his leg, and nearly fainted at the sight of his own blood. He then had to wake his wife, who was a seriously scary woman, and ask her to run him to A&E for some stitches. She verbally abused him for the entire journey - 30 minutes each way - and the waiting time at the hospital of nearly three hours. Poor guy didn't hear the end of that one for months.

Moral - stealing is wrong!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:53, 1 reply)

Forgive me, for I have sinned
My crime still weighs heavily on my mind.

As a student, I was in desperate need to jazz up my work folders, and they only way I could do this was with rub-down lettering.

I strode into WH Smiths in Bracknell, lifted a packet of Times New Roman (assorted), mooched around the records and magazines and slunk out with my booty.

Value: 35p

It didn't help. I failed my A-Levels, as all my revision time was wasted putting rub-down lettering all over my work.

24 years later, and I'm still on the run.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:48, 1 reply)

Tesco Theif
Both of my cunning crimes are against Tesco

Once I stole a birthday card accidently. Which was quite bad as I felt rather cheap about it especially seeing as the card was for a couple who had their birthday on the same day.

Another time I stole a hammer, for no reason other than I wanted to see if I could get away with it and I needed it anyway. Yes I did get away with it, all I can say is that the security man in the nasty Tesco with the Batman belt buckle is so not doing his job.

I can't say that I feel guilty in any way, shape, or form as I am sure that Tesco are guilty of many crimes against us as consumers.

So there.

And, no I didn't bash my thumb when I used the hammer.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:45, Reply)

Online shopping
I thought it would be hard to combine the good value of shop lifting with the convenience of online shopping, until I realised you just have to use someone elses credit card :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:44, Reply)

It's all in the family
A while ago, I worked at an electrical retailer I won't name (but rest assured, you'd have absolutely NO WORRIES there...). Anyway, my manager at the time showed us the best security video I have ever seen, of when he worked at a prior branch.

The scene was a small, quiet branch of said retailer, during the week, about midday. There two members of staff on the floor, and two kids hanging around the TV section (who looked to be about 12 and 13).

Suddenly, in walks this insanely hot woman: and I mean stunning. Instantly, both staff members were drawn to her, as they both happened to be men, and normal, red blooded men at that. Unbeknownst to them however - while ogling this woman, the kids have managed to unhook a new-fangled LCD television from the display, and are struggling to take it out the door.

Right at the last moment, one of the staff members notices the kids - but is *just* too late to catch them before they get into their Dad's car parked outside, and drive off.

The best bit however, comes from what happened next. While everyone is fretting in the store as to what has just happened, and one of the staff members calls the police, the car circles back round, the hot woman jumps in, and off they go again.

So yes - not only had the little sods stolen a very, very expensive TV - but they were doing it under the direction of their "Criminal mastermind parents". I'd love to see what conversation must be like in their family.

"OK - you boys nick the TV while I distract the staff with my tits.". Lovely.
(Ant Marching And for my next trick... GWARGGHHGWWGGGH!, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:43, Reply)

Accidental shoplifter
I went handbag shopping in TK Maxx and found a nice, inexpensive bag I liked. I also found a matching purse, rather more expensive than the bag and couldn't decide whether to buy it or not, so I rested it in the top of the bag (my hands were full) while I continued shopping and forgot all about it.
I went to the till & bought the bag and it was only when I got home I found the purse, still inside the bag, where it had slipped down.
For weeks after whenever I went near that shop I expected someone to grab me and call the police! Sad really.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:38, Reply)

Crime wave
Someone I know (ahem, cough) inadvertently aquired a microwave, in the box, from a large retailer (every little helps). They had it in a trolley and just wheeled it out. They don't put security tags on them as they're rather cumbersome to stuff up jumpers etc.

Once home they realised their mistake but there was no going back.. they would have to ride out the guilt. A couple of seconds later this was achieved. Ironically said microwave broke down (not under interogation) dramatically (sparks, molten plastic etc) a few days later, but with no receipt it was non returnable. Laugh? Someone up there's got a sense of humour...
(Countryslicker, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:38, 2 replies)

Does avoiding paying train fares count?
One time, bored with the usual hiding in the bogs trick, i simply crouched down on the floor and a couple of mates put their coats on top of me.

It worked a charm. My mates paid their fares and the conductor carried on walking, ignoring the suspiciously high pile of coats.

I actually had the money to pay the fare. I even had it in my hand as, if spotted, i was planning on saying that i'd dropped my change and my mates jumped me when i was crouching down to pick it up.

Good thing he didn't spot me, as i doubt that would have worked.
(MrTrent cannot think of a clever sig., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:38, 2 replies)

Does this count?
Last year, the missus decided she wanted an iPod for her birthday. Not an MP3 player, an iPod. Decided I'd get her a Shuffle and had a good look around the web to find the cheapest place to get one. John Lewis were selling them for £55 and I located a code that gave a discount of £8 on their website. So one was ordered for the sum of £50 inc P&P, delivery in 5-10 working days.

5-10 working days came and went and no iPod. So I ring John Lewis and ask them what they are playing at. They said they'd sent it out 10 days previously, on the day I ordered it on, and they would now send out another one. They even sent me an email confiming that they were doing this, which was nice.

Another 5-10 working days came and went and still no iPod. Ring them again. Same story, it was posted 10 days previously and they would send another.

Two days after this, I get home and there's three "sorry we missed you" cards from the Post Office. Go to my local sorting office and pick up my three iPods. Ace. I keep one, the missus gets one, but what to do with the other? I took it back to my local John Lewis for a £55 refund. The bloke even appologised because he couldn't refund me the delivery charge.

So, not so much "stealing from a shop" more "shop paid me a fiver to take two iPods off them".
(ScousersPet, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:36, 1 reply)

I've been monumentally fucked over by a bunch of dishonest bastards.
I voted for Labour in 1997.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:23, 12 replies)

World's most rubbish shoplifter strikes again...
Having got away with the great pistachio heist, and emboldened by that success, there was no stopping me.

The front tyre of my bike had shed the little cap from the inner tube valve. That's the kind of thing that upset my childish sense of order. Something had to be done.

Finding myself in Halfords one morning, I made a beeline for one of the display bikes. I was interested in it - but not for the reason the assistant thought.

Quick as a flash - quick as a slow flash, anyway - I unscrewed the valve cap, put it in my pocket and, nochalantly as you like, left the store.





Impressive, huh? Truly, I was master thief.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:22, 3 replies)

Thieving to order
When I was a small boy I went to a posh private school that actually had its own book shop.

A couple of my classmates would steal books to order for you. They didn't charge you any money, it was just a goodwill thing.

Stupid at so many levels, of course, but it seemed so exciting and naughty at the time.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:21, 1 reply)

Lie, Cheat, Steal!!...but im sorry!!!
Lets just say i'm a bit of a thief but not what you would call a criminal by any means lol

Anyhoo when i was 3 years old I was in the local gateway store (how long since one of them was around) and I wanted some sellotape to aid the model making phase i was going through. I was told I couldnt have said sellotape and therefore went on to pocket a packet of it. My slightly older brother saw and dobbed me in to my parents who proceeding to bruise my buttocks with some heavy slaps and I had to put the sellotape back on the shelf.

My career didnt end there however. I was 14 and I stole a small green eraser from a STAR newsagents. The queue was massive and I had to get to school. Also when I was on work experience, it was my last day of the two week stint. I decided to help myself to some items from the stationary cupboard and by god that was a big cupboard. I helped myself to board pens, a packet of drawing pencils, permanent markers, felt tip pens and then said my goodbyes, strolled out of the school and never looked back hehe.

Then when i was 17 I got a job at a famous budget store. The people i worked with were great but the company were bastards. So I robbed them every chance I got. drinks and food which I didnt pay for. I had a new years party a couple of years ago and almost everything including the copious amounts of coca cola and other mixers all involved me on a boxing day spree (well i had a set of keys and the store was closed) to which i loaded up the back of my car with all the relevent party items biscuits, crisps, cakes, drinks, even paper plates, plastic cups and napkins.

Also there were bags which would often come in ripped so I took the genius idea of ripping good bags and saying..'OOPS...these are torn' and went on to take them home lived like kings on the finest Chicken Breast, Beef joines, and numerous other expensive items for months

Even more ashamedly I was always dipping into the til a few quid there and then when they decided to number the till keys we used it was my idea lol, so i just used the switch at the back of the till which manually opens the drawer to pilfer.

Now in retrospect that was wrong and I know that but they were underpaying me for the job I was doing. I was there at 5am many mornings a week and barely got any recognition for it. bastards.

But didnt end there I worked for another shop shortly after leaving there and proceeded to be naughty and help myself on my lunch break bottles of water here and there, packets of crisps. Also used to pilfer bottles, lotions, skin products and all other things when I was in charge.

Still underpayment and no recognition of a job well done can do strange things to a young man.


Also both these companies I worked for very lax on security but tried everything other than actually putting real CCTV cameras in the stores to try and curb it good thing though that new years party was amazing and cost me hardly anything.


Anyhoo I have been clean for about 9 months now and I havent stolen another thing and dont intend to either, councilling is too expensive and you cant steal that.

Length? A mornings work for a Happy New Year!!
(pm1986, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:19, 5 replies)

The crime of the century! (Not really)
Due to being raised by morally upright parents who instilled a sense of right and wrong into me at a young age, I have never felt the urge to shoplift. Even when my household is running low on loo paper and my flatmates and I can't afford to buy any nice paper, I won't take a roll from the loos in my serviced office block, we'll just make do with the stunningly cheap "9 rolls for 99p" stuff that the newsagents sells (which, unless you have a fetish for having your anus lacerated with splintery plywood, I wouldn't recommend).

However, when I was 6, I did something that has shamed me ever since. I stole a penny sweet from Sainsburys.

I'll set the scene:
It was a lovely sunny day in the Fens, and my dearest Mama cried: "Let us sally forth to Sainsburys to do the weekly shop! Children, because you have behaved so very well this week, you shall come with me!"
"Yaaaaaaaaaay" cried my Brother and I with great joy, fighting to be the first to get into the car.

We were wandering round the celestial haven that is the Chesterton branch of Sainsbury's in Cambridge, full of glee and delight. My Brother and I were excitedly pointing out rare and exotic foods, and showing off our recently-acquired reading skills to each other ("Ec-on-o-my ham!" "Ba-by-sha-m!"), when the time came for us to depart, and shuffle back to the drab hovel from which we came.

The aisle to the checkouts that we chose housed a collection of small, individually wrapped sweets that fascinated me. However, I wasn't such a good and favoured child that my Mother would buy me a mint humbug, chocolate eclair or string of strawberry bootlace, so she marched straight on, as we toddled behind disconsolately. My hand acted of its own accord, and shot out, grabbing one of those precious parcels of sugary goodness, bringing it into the confines of my pocket with ninja-like speed, unseen by anyone else.

My stomach was churning as we approached the checkout. Already I knew that what I had done was Bad and Wrong, and that if caught, I would be soundly thrashed. But I was surrounded by people now, it was too late to take the sweet out of my pocket, people would see me! But somehow, miraculously, we walked out of the store and to the car without attracting attention. The cries of "Halt! That child has a penny sweet that hasn't been paid for" never came. And then - sweet blessed Jesus! - we were driving home.

However, I was still unsure of what to do with my ill-gotten plunder. I could not eat it - my mother might smell the sweetness on my breath, and demand to know where I obtained it. Besides, I simply couldn't bring myself to eat something that was gained through theft. I could not leave it in my pocket - it would be found. The same was for leaving it in the car. In the end, I snuck it out of my pocket, and clasping it tightly in my fist as I leant forward, pretending to tie up my shoelace. A shifty glance revealed that my brother was watching the horizon, and my Mother's attention was on the road. Gently, to avoid the tell-tale crackly sound of the cellophane rustling, I pushed the loot into my shoe. I walked around with it in my shoe for another 2 hours, before going into the garden to play. I went to the compost heap, which was out of sight of the house, and with my bare hands dug a deep hole in it, pushed the sweet in, and quickly filled the hole in again.

I was safe. Only the acidic stain of guilt on my soul remained. I was never to steal again.



*Epilogue* I confessed this all to my mother about a year ago - she was horrified, and demanded that I go back to Sainsburys and apologise, and give them a penny. Seriously.


Apologies for length, but it's the only thing I've ever stolen, and I felt I had to compensate somehow.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:19, 6 replies)

Please...
...could people stop saying "kleptomania" when they actually mean "mindless petty thievery"?
(Musuko, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:17, 3 replies)

Is it just me?
Everytime i see those vans outside newly built/refurbished shops with "shopfitters" written on the side, i always have to do a double take...

I think i always assume that they're shoplifters who are so good that they like to advertise the fact...

maybe they're for hire...

Like the A Team...

In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The A-Team.
(Nuclear Ninja like a radioactive Chuck Norris..., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:16, 4 replies)

Not really shoplifting per se...
...but a few things have come home from the office with me. I have several 200 mm wafers that were scrapped in various stages of the process, a stapler and a tape dispenser, loads of binder clips (they're great for sealing bags of coffee beans and other things) and a vacuum pen, meant for grabbing small items out of tight spots- it's like a tiny remote control suction cup. But best of all? A foot rest to use at your desk.

Why snag all of these things? Because I can use them, of course- but also because Zee Germanss have been trying to make this place a "lean company" (translation: cutting corners and pinching pennies to a degree that Jack Benny would have found absurd), and in the process they've gotten intensely obnoxious- ever tried working in an office where the lights are shut off so you have to work by the glow of your monitor?

Fuck 'em, they're laying me off this week anyway...

Best thing I've nicked? Time. They've been paying me to read b3ta and job hunt. (No, I'm not skiving off- I literally have no work to do and haven't for the past two days.)

Gah.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:13, 1 reply)

Pub Souvenirs
Ever since i started regularly attending the brewery houses of this fine country i have always tried to take a souvenir of the evenings events...

So far i have around 230 pint glasses, 60 half pint glasses, 40 shot glasses, three pewter tankards and a 2 litre scrumpy pot...

I have no excuse for this, it's almost subconcious nowadays...
(Nuclear Ninja like a radioactive Chuck Norris..., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:09, Reply)

Hardened OAP villain
Does it count as shoplifting if you're old, it's accidental, and you leave a small token of gratitude?

A few years ago, I escorted my great aunt Vera for what was to be her final visit to the family in South Africa (at 82, she was nervous about travelling alone from Manchester). The sun's a bit brighter there, so we took her to the local shopping mall for some cheap sunglasses. It's full of designer boutiques, and she couldn't find any that suited her at the overpriced tourist trap shops - and, as it was almost 11am, a lunchtime pint seemed a good idea.

A few hydraulic sandwiches later, she mentioned everything was a bit dark and slightly out of focus. I looked up and realised why - earlier, I'd persuaded her to try on some Raybans (definitely not cheap, even with the exchange rate) in the Bono/Pope stylee, and she'd left her £3 Boots reading glasses on the display rack while trying them on, and walked out with the Raybans on.

I suppose we could have gone back and sorted things out at the shop, but she was terrified of the security guard at the door (they carry guns there), and wouldn't believe me that the death penalty had been abolished.
(CaptainParalytic, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:09, Reply)

My older brother..
Not me.. but my older brother.. Went through a phase of stealing the most stupid things from shops or wherever.
So he would come home with stuff such as price inserts from the supermarket. Buy one get one free posters, table numbers and gentlemen signs from the pub.

Once he came home with an almost life sized cardboard cut out of lara croft he nicked from the cinema.

The funniest was when he woke up after a drunk night out with a bus stop and a property sales sign in bed with him. (both complete with poles)
(Miggyman, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:04, Reply)

newsagents
One of those convenience type stores independently owned. They had recently expanded into the empty unit next door.

As a result the other shops door was not in use and they had stacked a display shelf with crisps on in front of it.

They had failed to notice that it backed onto the letterbox.

:)

Wotsits galore for about 3 weeks till they must have noticed the letterbox, or wondered what the rustling noise was at the back of that shelf.

length? about an inch, slightly bent and very orange.
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:04, 3 replies)

I stole a 4-year old girl from a family in Portugal.
Boy do I regret that now.





Because someone had to get it out of the way.
(LordMatthius http://www.justgiving.com/marathon-matt2009, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:03, Reply)

Not shoplifting as such, more idiotic theft
I should point out before I start that I have never shoplifted in my life, and find theft morally reprehensible. It's just that alcohol seems to blur the line between 'theft' and 'that seems like a good idea'.

My first story is set in Cambridge, where I'd been drinking in my old college bar all evening with a friend. He'd left his bike in the college bike sheds, and as we staggered out of the bar to head back to his house, bottles of wine clutched in our hands (not entirely sure where we'd got them from, but that's another story), he asked me to ensure that he didn't try and ride his bike home. I assured him that I most certainly wouldn't.

Fast forward, ooh, two minutes, and he's wheeling his BMX out of the bike shed (we were in our 20s by then and far too old for this type of bike, but as children of the 70s and 80s it seemed OK to us). This made perfect sense to me, despite my previous assertions. However, a problem had arisen - how was I to get home? I had no bike, and he was sitting on his outside the front of college waiting for me. The answer presented itself to me, conveniently enough, in the form of a nice, shiny, unlocked bicycle standing propped up against the kerb right next to me. Fantastic! I leapt onto the bike, and we both pedalled off happily, wine bottles still in hand.

The fact that the owner of this bike, and their friends, had been stood _right next to it_ when I got on it, had indeed registered with me, but seemed of little consequence at the time.

I got about two minutes down the road when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned (wobbled) to see one of the aforementioned people on his bike, asking what I thought I was doing. A large gentleman, who may have played rugby. I stopped, said 'there you go mate' and handed him the bike back. I also offered him my bottle of wine as a peace offering, which he declined.

He then just took the bike I'd stolen and cycled back off in the direction he'd just come from. Without kicking my head in. A remarkably phlegmatic chap, I've always thought.

The second instance is more the usual drunken student stealing of roadsigns, this one from Ventnor on the Isle of Wight whilst on a geology field trip. This is more by way of an apology to the good people of The Pitts, but I'm sure you've had that stolen plenty of times before. It was bloody heavy, mind, and took up a lot of space in the department minibus on the way home.

Length? About half way down Trumpington Street.

Sorry it's a long one, this is my first, so be gentle...
(rockdoctor, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 13:59, 4 replies)

More Porn....
When I was well below the legal age to buy gentlemen’s reading material me and a mate desperately wanted to get our hands on the above mentioned. Due to our boyish good looks and not having any older relatives to buy for us we needed a cunning and daring plan to solve our pervy needs. Basically, we came up with the idea of nicking them from the local shop.

The plan was for me to go into the shop and ask for a qtr. of choc nibbles, these being the sweets on the highest shelf, causing the old lady to go out back and retrieve the ladder. Then my mate would slip his hand through the door, the magazine and paper stand being right next to the door, and lift some top shelf goodness.

It worked like a dream, we were one jazz mag up with a qtr. of choc nibbles to eat while admiring the female form.
(tedalaki - Like Purple Aki but better, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 13:59, Reply)

I'm not even sure how this would be achieved
While working at John Menzies (see below), I was set to cleaning the shelves (it was nothing but glamour and excitement, that job) and found myself dusting off the selection of electric typewriters .

Yes, I'm that old.

Anyway I noticed that these items were chained to their shelves, so naively asked the boss why. It seemed that not too long beforehand, somebody had in fact managed to walk out of the shop -- and they were at the back, so they'd have had to walk the whole length of the place -- with an electric typewriter. These things were huge, and weighed a ton.

Hats off, I say. That takes some balls.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 13:56, Reply)

Free Food.
Was at a pub/resturant thing and witnessed these two guys sat a table just having a pint. The people at the next table finished their meal and got up and left. They hadnt even got out of the door when these two guys grabbed their plates and finished off their left overs! Eeeew!!
(Miggyman, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 13:53, Reply)

The cheek of it!
I was installing some PCs at a well known UK Building Society for a new branch office they had just opened.

It was open day, and I was hanging around to ensure the systems were working properly.
This particular branch was inside a mall. We had decorations up everywhere, frilly things, banners and helium balloons.

Two helium baloons happened to creep quite near to the entrance. This woman with a pushchair walked in. grabbed a balloon, tied it to the pushchair. Then grabbed another balloon. tied that to the pushchair and walked straight out again. She didnt look at anyone ,and everyone jsut stared at her doing this. Just like it was a perectly normal thing to do. Ah well, the balloons were branded so she became a free walking advertisement!

Used to work for a computer shop and i caught a few people at it. We put a dummy playstation box on a shelf and filled it with old hard drives and stuff, then removeed the bottom, so when lifted the contents fell out. That must have happened at least once a day. The usual excuse was "I was just looking at it" These days we probably would have got sued for that!
(Miggyman, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 13:52, 1 reply)