another joke...
Nelson Mandela is sat at home watching tv when this little Jan guy turns up with a clipboard.
'I have lorry full of wingmirrors for you'
Mr Mandela looks confused and says to the guy 'sorry mate you have the wrong man' and the Jap guy wanders off.
The next day he returns with his clipboard and a lorry full of car tyres..
'I'm sorry' says Nelson 'You've got the wrong man'.
The following day the little Jap returns with two lorries full of car doors and wings.
He knocks on the door and when elson see's it's him again he loses his temper and picks the little Jap guy up' I've told you before you have the wrong person,I don't want car loads of lorry parts'
'Ah' says the little Jap guy looking at his clipboard'You are not Nissan Maindealer?'
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:21, Reply)

Battered Women
There are half million in the world battered daily, and all this time I've been eating mine plain.

Yeah, I'm a big freaking lesbian.
(tabouli, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:21, Reply)

what's black
and screaming?





stevie wonder answering the iron
(chewbakayoko, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:21, Reply)

Oldie But Goldie

Q: How do you know when your sister's having her period?

A: Your dad's cock tastes funny.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:21, Reply)

Why does Michael Jackson put cheese on his penis?
because kids'll do anything for Dairylea
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:20, Reply)

What's white and goes at 70 mph across Mullaghmore harbour?
Lord Mountbatten's plimsoll.
(Doctor Evil, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:19, Reply)

Hear about the blind Jewish circumciser?
He missed and got the sack.
( Christian Bale of Hay in a field, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:17, Reply)

old jokes...
whats pink,fluffy and covered with dust?

Jill Dando's slippers.

Jill Dando's finace wanted to paint the front door but she was dead against it.

apologies if these have been posted before!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:15, Reply)

sorry (yes again)
a spacker walks up to an ice cream van
"mmnnnnngg can i have a 99' please mmnnnggg"
"sure you can, would you like chocolate sauce"?
"mmmnmnnnng it dosent matter, i am going to drop it anyway"!

man in a wheelchair orders a 99' from an ice cream van, the vendor says "crushed nuts"?
"no" says the man, "car crash"!
(incredible wrongun, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:13, Reply)

What's the definition of the World's Unluckiest Man?
A Jehovah's Witness haemophiliac....
They exist!
(Doctor Evil, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:08, Reply)

What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
(Doctor Evil, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:06, Reply)

not particularly sick but true...
Why does a woman have a forehead?
So you have somewhere to kiss her after cumming in her mouth
(elgonzorelli, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:03, Reply)

I've had a quick browse through
and no-one seems to have posted this, yet:

The doctor says to the man "I'm sorry, sir, but the test results have come back a tad inconclusive. Your wife could have either AIDs or Alzheimers. We're not sure which".

"Oh my God! That's awful! What should I do?"

"Take her down into the city centre and leave her there. If she finds her way back, don't shag her!"
(weedom, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:02, Reply)

What's yellow. . .
. .and can't climb stairs?

Its my spastic and I'll paint it whatever colour I choose
(le renard, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:01, Reply)

What's blue. . .
. . and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic
(le renard, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:00, Reply)

Going to hell
A guy is walking into a forest holding a young girl by the hand.

"I'm scared" the young girl says.

"*You're* scared?" says the man. "I have to walk out of here by myself."


(apols if already posted, haven't got time to read all 22 pages!)
( pilchardboy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:59, Reply)

What would. . .
. .Linda McCartney be doing if she was still alive now?

Dying of cancer
(le renard, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:59, Reply)

How can you tell if your sister's having a period?
Dad's cock tastes funny.
Edit - bugger, just seen this on page 12! Nicked from "London Fields" by Martin Amis any way!
(Doctor Evil, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:56, Reply)

sung wah!
a yank oil tycoon dude is on business in japan. He is staying at a swish hotel in tokyo. as he books in he asks the chap behind the counter "where can i get some girlie action tonight?" the chap behind the counter replies that he will have a girlie sent up to his room at 9pm.
9pm comes around and there is a knock at the door - the yank opens it to find a stunning japanese hottie stood there in a fur coat and little else. He can't believe his luck and immediately gets her to strip so he can start a-porkin'. During said porkin' he's going at it hell for leather and is impressed by his own stamina. The japanese hooker is writhing around and squealing, in fact she keeps squealing something in Japanese - "SUNG WAH, SUNG WAH!" she moans. "must be japanese for excellent" thinks the arrogant yank.
He comes, she leaves.
Next day on the golf course the CEO of the big japanese firm yankie is doing business with gets a hole in one. the yank decides to impress his counterpart, claps his hands in appreciation and says "sung wah, sung wah"
The japanese CEO looks bemused..."wrong hole, what do you mean wrong hole??!"
( ting, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:53, Reply)

.
What did Stevie Wonder say after he was given a cheese grater for Christmas?

"This is the most violent book I've ever read!"
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:51, Reply)

In the line up for a wedding couple of weeks ago
Wedding video chap is walking up and down the queue and asking if anyone has any messages/jokes for the bride and groom. Lisa (notorious bint and very drunk) shouts "yeah I gotta joke for you, how do you stop a dog fucking your leg ? pick it up and suck its cock"

Not sure what was worse the joke or the fact that me and the wife laughed very loudly (everyone else was deathly silent and looking worried)
(bblac didnt get the new job booo rotten bastards, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:51, Reply)

Sick enough for ya!
What do you do after you rape a deaf, dumb and blind girl?

Break her fingers so she can't tell mommy!
(poop_chute, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:49, Reply)

Whats the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage?
You can't eat a train carriage.

The lad who told this on the coach during my ski season (practising using the microphone - we were ski reps) got told to sit down, and they wouldn't let anyone else tell a joke after that...
(rachboc, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:48, Reply)

cockle pickers....
do you know they all drowned?
because they were told to get out when the water reached knee high, and he was in the van.

Two sharks are hungry and wonder what to eat, one says to the other come on we're off to morecmabe for a chinky.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:46, Reply)

Hear about the Jewish detective?
He had a tip off.
(Doctor Evil, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:43, Reply)

A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door of the flat.
After a while a young boy opens the door.
"Nnnnnnrrrr," he says as he's a real Joey Deacon-style spacker, "What do you want?"
The salesman feels sorry for the kid and not wanting to cause him embarrassment asks, "Is your Mum at home?"
"Mmmmnnnng," the kid slobbers, "No."
"Is your Dad in then?", the salmesman queries.
"Nnnnnrrr, he's at work," quoth retard boy.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters in?", says the salesman, about to give in.
"I got a brother, mnnnng," the kid says, "but he's in medical school."
The salesman is taken aback and can't help blurting out, "That's amazing with your disability and he's in med. school."
"Not really, nrrrr." says the Spacker. "He's in a bottle."
(Doctor Evil, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:42, Reply)

What did Paul McCartney buy Heather Mills for her birthday?
A Plane
(drydo, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:41, Reply)

Two pervs sat on deckchairs
One turns to the other and says "Nice out, isn't it?"
The other says, "Yes, but you'd better put it back in, the attendants coming round."


Remember: times flies like the wind, but fruit flies like bananas.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 15:39, Reply)