Sick Jokes
1) What did the black kid down the road get for Christmas? Your Bike!

2) What is the difference between Neighbours and Prince Charles? Neighbours had Mrs Mangel, Prince Charles has a mangled Mrs!

3) Whats the difference between a Homo and a Hobo? A Hobo has no friends, a Homo has friends coming out of his arse!

4) What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts!
(JK5150, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:31, Reply)

Another hohum
Whats the best thing about sex with 28 year olds?

Its perfectly legal.

FFS!
(Wrecked Tums, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:31, Reply)

Hohum
What do you say to the twats who post too many jokes on the same theme?

"Its not your lucky day"

FFS!
(Wrecked Tums, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:29, Reply)

Variation on a theme.
A driver is travelling through a forest when he comes across a man tied to a tree stark-bollock naked.

The driver stops, and gets out and asks the man whats wrong.

"Well, I was driving along and I stopped because I saw a woman lying in the road so I stopped. I went to help her when I felt someone clout me over the back of the head and I blacked out. When I awoke I found myself tied to this tree, and my car was gone." said the man.
"That's terrible!" said the driver.

"It gets worse...", continued the man, "...I was found by a passing truck driver. He got out of his cab, and finding me like this, stole my wallet, my phone, and my house-keys".
"That's horrendous." exclaimed the driver.

"It gets even worse..." said the man, close to tears "... after he left a tramp wandered by, and finding me like this, stole all my clothes, leaving me here as you find me."

"D'you know what?" asked the driver.
"What?" replies the man.
"It's just not your lucky day." says the driver, as he unzips his trousers...
(minister of heresy, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:24, Reply)

Children's Books You Won't Be Seeing Soon
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer— Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
"How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
(Quiet, you!, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:20, Reply)

I've been reading too many of these
the other day 2 of my peers were talking about being pregnant, one came out with

'what would you do if you found out you were pregnant with like, septuplets (sp)??'

to which i replied 'fall down some stairs??'

she wasnt impressed :(
(5lab, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:19, Reply)

or maybe this....
a man is walking along the cliff tops when he see's a young girl sitting at the edge,crying.
"what wrong little girl?"he asks
"my brother,he fell down the cliff(sob sob)and now hes dead!"
"Oh goodness,thats terrible-do you have a sister?"
"(sob)yes,she fell down the cliff as well!"
"oh my god!wheres your mummy and daddy?"
"They all fell off and their all dead waaaaaa!"
and as the man undoes his fly,he says,
"not having much luck today,are we?"
(forkboy, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:12, Reply)

You'll love this!
Q . What's better than sex with a 10 year old boy?

A. Nothing!
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:08, Reply)

straight to hell for this...
what did the blind,deaf mute boy get for xmas?
cancer.
(forkboy, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:03, Reply)

Not exactly sick...
Little boy: Mummy, can I lick the bowl clean?

Mother: No, flush it like everyone else!



Please be gentle, its my first post...
(Amazing Mr Strange, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 14:50, Reply)

Airports
4 al-qaeda thalidomide victims were arrested at manchester airport yesterday.

They were charged with trying to smuggle small arms into the country.
(therehegoesopneofgodsownprototypes, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 14:36, Reply)

Northern comedian-type joke
The other day I saw a young lad with no arms and no legs at the bus stop.

I said 'Alright - how are you getting on?"
(Bob Hopelessness, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 14:18, Reply)

...
Why did the chicken cross the road?


'Cos you're a cunt.
(yiddo, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 14:03, Reply)

Two Essex girls...
...come back from a night out at the theatre, having seen Jimmy Cricket "perform".
One girl turns to the other and says, "I liked that show, specially his funny wellingtons with R & L on them. Why do you think that was?"

The other girl says "Maybe so he knows which foot to put them on?"

"Ah! That explains why my knickers have C&A on them!"
(Wrecked Tums, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 13:57, Reply)

Limerick:
Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chicken is fowl
Just like your vagina.




I'm such a romantic.
(yiddo, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 13:54, Reply)

What's got one ball and fucks women?
Peter Sutcliffe's hammer.
(sven_hassel, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 13:49, Reply)

Oooh! I've got one!
When my friend was at University, one of his housemates, who had a scary similarity to Gareth from The Office and was for a very short while in the Territorial Army but was dishonourably discharged a) for being repeatedly wasted and b) for his morbid obsession with how to kill people with a drinking straw - but that's another story - anyway, where was I, oh yes, one of his mates drank the EU lager lake equivalent at the Students Union bar and stormed the talent night with this duet of jocular hilarity;

Q: What's the best thing about having sex with children?
A: Their tiny hands make your cock look big!

Q: What's the worse thing about having sex with children?
A: Getting blood on your clown costume!

At which point he dropped his trousers in front of the stunned crowd before bunny-hopping off stage-right.

I thangyow!
(Bob Hopelessness, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 13:42, Reply)

Not sick, but still funny. I hope.
A young, heavily pregnant Irish lass is involved in a car crash and is put into a coma. When she wakes up several weeks later, she discovers that she has given birth.

"What happened to my baby?" she asks a nurse.
"Well, miss, you had a boy and a girl, and your brother Seamus is looking after them for you. We didn't know how long you'd be out, so he named them for you."
"But Seamus is a dickhead! What did he call them?" the girl asks.
"He called the girl Denise".
"Thats not too bad," the girl says, "what did he call the boy?"
"Denephew."
(Wrecked Tums, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 13:40, Reply)

shoes
I hear that Wayne Rooney spent some of his transfer fee to Manchester United on a pair of new brothel creepers.....
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Tue 14 Sep 2004, 13:14, Reply)

books....
some of the worlds slimmest books...

The Ethiopan cookery book.

The book of Great Italian victory's.

The wit and wisdom of George W Bush.

The introductory guide to the Irish intelligence service.

Why did the Romans build straight roads?

to stop the Paki's building corner shops.

How do you oil a Fiat?
Drive over an Italian.

What does Fiat stand for?
Fix it again Toni.

What does Ford stand for?
Fixed or repaired daily.

What do you call a scouse bird in a white shell suit?

the bride.

What do you call a scouser in a suit?
Guilty.

to the tune of you are my sunshine..

You are a scouser, a thievin' scouser
you're only happy on giro day.
Your mums out stealin, your dads drug dealing,
please don't take my hub caps away.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Tue 14 Sep 2004, 13:06, Reply)

Babies... sorry.
First, let me apologise for these. Deeply.

What's the difference between a baby and a chicken?

I don't normally come in chickens before roasting them.

While we're on the subject of babies...

Which way should you stick a baby into a blender?

Feet first.

Why?

So you can fuck its mouth as it screams.

– Note: Do NOT tell either of these jokes to fundamentalist Christian Americans. Really. Ever.
(redSpikes, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 12:47, Reply)

And my absolute favourite
- which also doubles as useful advice:

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Suck it off
(pacificprincess1, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 12:27, Reply)

Halloween
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party.  That night, as they were

getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache

and had to stay home.  She told her husband to go to the party without her. 

"Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said.  After further
discussion, the husband put his mask and costume on and went to the party. 
The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband.  As she was getting ready, she
thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not
around."  She then got into a different mask and costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. 

Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.
There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.  She decided to see just how far he would go.  She went
up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. 

Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her
husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. 
She sat up and asked "Well, how was the party?"  He replied, "It was no fun
without you honey." 
She said, "I don't believe you.  I bet you had lots of fun!" 
He replied, "Really, Honey.  When I got to the party, some of the guys and I

got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.
I loaned my costume to your dad. He said he had one hell of a great time."
(pacificprincess1, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 12:25, Reply)

Nice Mental Image eh?
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

Thank Fuck For B3ta!
(nobodyremembersmyname, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 12:14, Reply)

Don't muck about...
A guy in a car spies a young boy playing in the street... being into that sort of thing, he pulls up by the child and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweet, will you come in my car?"

"Give me the bag," Says the boy, "and I'll cum in your mouth"
(bunny_333, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 12:02, Reply)

Last resort
A woman is woken up in the middle of the night by her husband jamming head-ache pills into her mouth. She spits them out and asks him what the hell he's doing. "I thought you had a headache"
"No I don't" she shouts. Then he whips his cock out and says "good. lets fuck"
(flash, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:49, Reply)

Okay, okay, i'm stopping now
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.

Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said,

"Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother."

Sorry all for so many posts. Thanks Rob n Co for the great work. Could people please read a page or two before they post a joke? So many repeats. Anyway, happy posting!!
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:41, Reply)

Who enjoys sex more?
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered, "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
(Bowling_for_Maybelline I know a Malteser when I hear it, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:38, Reply)

Enough about necrophilia....
I used to be into necrophilia until some rotten cunt split on me


What's pink and smell's of olives?
Popeye's fingers....
(jonnybravo, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:38, Reply)

Try to take over the World!!
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 11:33, Reply)