What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've already said it twice.
( We are the lemon irked your craw on, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 21:03, Reply)

It's such an unfair world...
... Gary glitter rides a little girl and he gets 6 years in prison. Christopher Reeves rides a horse and he gets the electric fucking chair!

:P
(sintaxasn, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 20:19, Reply)

whats.....
green and hangs between two sticks?


Mouldy criple
(Dirtyleeds, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 20:13, Reply)

A chap takes his missus to the doctor...
to get some tests done. The results come back and the doctor looks rather confused.
"Sir, it's bad news I'm afraid. We're not quite sure if your wife has AIDS or Alzheimers"
Shocked, the man asks "Well, what, in your medical opinion, should i do?"
"There is only one thing for it" explains the doctor.
"Drive her into the town centre, leave her there and if she comes home, whatever you do, dont fuck her"
(betterpants, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 20:07, Reply)

hamsters
Q:why do you rap a hamster in sellotape?

A:so it dosent split when you fuck it.
(you lose the game, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 20:01, Reply)

Bindun?
It's Jesus' last night before he's off to be crucified, and after supper the disciples decide to treat him to a night of passion with a hooker.

They all wander off to find a brothel, go inside and find the prettiest one there. They each chip in a few pieces of silver, and with much jeering send Jesus off upstairs with his new companion.

Five minutes later the disciples hear raised voices from upsatairs. It sounds an awful lot like Jesus' whore swearing and cursing at him.

One of the disciples spots him looking very sheepish at the top of the stairs:

Disciple: "What are you doing there mate? You're meant to be enjoying yourself!"

Jesus: "Yeah, I know."

Disciple: "We paid for a full hour - you've only been five minutes!"

Jesus: "I know."

Disciple: "So what's up?"

Jesus: "Well we both got naked, and I started having a good feel, after a little while I moved my hand down to between her legs and began touching her chuff."

Disciple: "That's what she's paid for... so what's the problem?"

Jesus: "It healed."



eyefanqueue
(Arnolfini wasn't feeling very funny on, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 19:03, Reply)

What do you get if you strangle a baby?


An erection.
(KingTubby, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 18:51, Reply)

What's the difference between Menstrual Blood and Sand?
You can't gargle sand.
( slartifartfast When all around are losing their heads, duck., Wed 1 Feb 2006, 18:32, Reply)

Sick joke
How do you know when your sister is on her period?

Your dad's dick tastes funny!

Sorry
(purple_iain, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 18:28, Reply)

What did
the blind, deaf, dumb, horribly mutilated, no-limbed girl get for Christmas?


Cancer
(davethefoolishone, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 18:21, Reply)

What's so good about twenty eight year olds?
There are twenty of them
(davethefoolishone, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 18:15, Reply)

fecking realy sick jokes
whats axminster carpet and the moors mureders have in common they make good adverts for stain remover.

what do you do if you see a paki drownding???
throw him his wife and kids.

who wants to buy a house

family house more than family house.

it has 2 rooms up, 2rooms down and lots of body room in the cellar (fred west incorporated.
(rob2005, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 17:39, Reply)

Q: How do you get 500 babies in a phone box?
A: A liquidizer.

Q: How do you get them out again?
A: Nachos.
( urbane legend i have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 17:32, Reply)

Knitting
While making his ward rounds, an Obstetrician meets three very preganant women, knitting away.

Mrs Jones has nearly finished a lovely pink shawl. "Expecting a little girl, Mrs Jones?" says the Doctor. "Yes" is the simpering reply.

Mrs Patel is knitting some neat blue booties. "I'm expecting a little boy" she says.

Mrs Smith is a whirlwind of activity, with elbows flying and multicolour balls of wool.

"What are you expecting ?" asks the Doctor.

"I hope it's a spastic, I can't get these bloody arms right."
(DeeplyDippy, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 17:16, Reply)

what's black and white and can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
Siegfried and Roy's tiger
( Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:56, Reply)

What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon ...

but Michael Jackson enjoys fucking small boys up the arsehole.
(_, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:37, Reply)

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
Because he's black.
(_, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:36, Reply)

Heard the latest African Nations Cup score?
Tunisia 8, Ethiopia didn't.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:21, Reply)

Welsh joke
How can you tell when a Valleys girl cums?

She drops her chips.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:19, Reply)

Whats red and bubbly and scratches at your window?
A baby in a Microwave!
(fandingo, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:09, Reply)

How do you get a pikey girl pregnant
cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest
( Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:09, Reply)

What did
the blind, black, spastic, lesbian get for christmas?

Cancer.
(Carling in a Stella glass Sky high and six thousand miles away, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:03, Reply)

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Stick a rusty fucking chainsaw up her cunt.
( urbane legend i have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:03, Reply)

Old man & small child
walking through dark forest.

Child: I'm scared.

Man: What about me? I've got to walk back on my own.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:00, Reply)

Two Paki's.........
.....move to england. They agree to meet up after a few years and see who is more english. So many moons later the time comes and the two meet. "So, How english are you?" asks the first paki. "Well, I have learned how to drink 15 pints of Stella, eat 3 fish suppers, sing Vindaloo and beat up folk who support other football teams than me! I reckon that makes me pretty Bladdy english no? How about you? How English are you?"

"Fuck off Paki!"




*Some of my best friends......bla..bla..bla*
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 15:07, Reply)

Baby jokes...
Q: What's the first thing you should do once you've just had a baby?

A: Put it's nappy back on!
(Heggy, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 1:24, Reply)

Baby jokes...
Q: Why do you feed a baby into a food blender feet first?

A: So you can see the expression on it's face!
(Heggy, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 1:23, Reply)

Baby jokes...
Q: What's the difference between a truck full of marbles and a truck full of babies?

A: You can't unload a truck full of marbles with a pitchfork!
(Heggy, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 1:22, Reply)