Shes 'armless...
Imagine an armless girl, doing butterfly. Or freestyle. Or just swimming!!! nuff said really.
(Willygloop, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 5:54, Reply)

Some Limericks
of Mine Own Devising

Went out on the town to get spent
In a tight smelly hole, mine to rent,
But the girl was too shy
When I opened my fly,
So I banged her instead with cement.

==================================

There once was cunt full of shit
which a girl used to slime up her clit,
but the more that she stuffed
in her hole raw and rough
was another turd less for her tits

==================================

There once was a boy in the morn
who arose as his cock yearned for porn,
but his balls were so bare
that his mum who was there
had to lick them until they were sore.

==================================

Ten inches he was, root to tip,
with a girth that made many a rip,
but the girls still came back
for more jizz from his sack
cause his babies would always sell quick.

==================================

A woman I biblically knew
had me over one night for some stew;
as I sipped from the spoon
she held open her moon
and dispensed me a colonic brew.

==================================

That girl in a dress may look fair
with her makeup and radiant hair,
but look under her clothes
and you'll see pantyhose
holds a cock folded under with care.

==================================

A girl woke in bed with a start,
For her lover had just ripped a fart,
But she got her revenge
As she straddled his chin
and pissed with her lips pulled apart.

==================================


... I've got more, in case you're interested!
(tookishlad, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 18:19, Reply)

Necrophilia
I used to be a necrophiliac,until the rotten cunt split on me..
(smudger789, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 22:38, Reply)

What's black, crusty, and sits at the top of a flight of stairs?
A: A wheelchair user after a fire.
(NaNeil, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 16:46, Reply)

Necrophilia?
It's just dead boring.
(bobda rocking round the clock since, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 16:58, Reply)

here's a different one
Englishman, African and an Asian sitting in a restaurant, waiting for their food. They're looking around the place and spot a man sitting by himself drinking water in the corner. After a few minutes they recognise him as Jesus Christ himself. They agree that he's a great bloke and all chip in to buy Jesus some food. The waiter goes over to Jesus, explains the gesture and gets the food in for him, which Jesus enjoys whole-heartedly.

After the meal, he walks over to see the 3 generous men. He first of all thanks them all, and shakes the hand of the Englishman. The Englishman gets the shivers, feels all tingly etc then says;
"Hang about, I've had chronic arthritis in this wrist for 20 years, you've just cured it, it's a miracle!"
Jesus smiles, then shakes the hand of the African.
"Bloomin 'eck, you've cured my back! I've had problems with that for nearly 30 years, thank you Jesus!"
Jesus smiles, then turns to the Asian, who looks terrified, turns and runs away knocking over tables and chairs. They all ask what's wrong, to which the Asian shouts,
"I'm not losing my Disability Allowance for no cunt!"
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 11:10, Reply)

Japanese Exchange Rates
Ken, a Japanase businessman takes a trip to New York for 2 weeks. He takes 200 yen with him. Unable to change it before he goes, he visits a buereau de change in the US.

"I wan change 100 yen to dolla please clerk san" asks Ken to the clerk.

"There you go, thats $80 back"

Ken bows and walks out, he survives a week in New York on the $80 he had, but still had 100 yen for the last week.

He returns to the buereau de change and asks to change the last 100 yen.

"There you go, thats $70 for you sir" says the clerk.

"What? Las' week I get 80 dolla for 100 yen, this week I get 70 dolla, why the hell that?!" fumes Ken.

"Fluctuations" replies the Clerk.

"Ya, well fluk you Americans too!"

...yeah
(chalky_bumface Looks to me like it's Rape O'Clock!, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 23:52, Reply)

Sorry, sorry
A Russian, a Mexican and a Texan are sitting on the edge of a cliff. The Russian has a bottle of vodka, the Mexican has a bottle of tequila, and the Texan has a six pack of beer.

The Russian stands up and throws the bottle of vodka over the cliff. When the others protest, he says "In mother Russia, we have plenty of vodka."

So the Mexican stands up and throws the bottle of tequila over the cliff. "In Mexico," he says, "we have plenty of tequila."

So the Texan stands up and throws the Mexican over the cliff. "In Texas, we have plenty..."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 21:55, Reply)

RAPE! dont ask for what you can take
(you lose the game, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 16:11, Reply)

Age old limerick.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He declared, rather crass
as he lubed up his ass,
"I've found a nice place I can tuck it."
(Text_Fish -- Humourcide., Wed 15 Mar 2006, 16:07, Reply)

Meh.
Q. Where's Michael Jackson going on his Holidays these year?
A. To Tampa with the kids.
(Text_Fish -- Humourcide., Wed 15 Mar 2006, 16:03, Reply)

Yes, another classic.
Q. What did the deaf, dumb and blind boy get for Christmas?
A. Cancer.
(Text_Fish -- Humourcide., Wed 15 Mar 2006, 16:00, Reply)

Old but still the best.
Q. Why did Hitler kill himself?
A. He saw the gas bill.
(Text_Fish -- Humourcide., Wed 15 Mar 2006, 15:59, Reply)

Probly bindun.
Q. What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
A. Being raped.

I told my parents this joke after returning home quite drunkenly from an afternoon session at the pub. I was laughing too hard to gauge their reaction, which is probably a good thing.
(Text_Fish -- Humourcide., Wed 15 Mar 2006, 15:56, Reply)

Why does paul mc'cartney's missus make such a furore about landmines?
When she's only got half the chance of stepping on one as everyone else?
(Darkpie 3.243F6A8885A308D31319, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 15:42, Reply)

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my granddad...
Not kicking and screaming like his passengers
(Darkpie 3.243F6A8885A308D31319, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 15:05, Reply)

What do you call a fat woman with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese
(Darkpie 3.243F6A8885A308D31319, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 15:03, Reply)

The Worlds 3 biggest lies
1. Of course I love you

2. The cheques in teh post

3. I promise not to cum in your mouth
(Darkpie 3.243F6A8885A308D31319, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 15:02, Reply)

...

whats the definition seal?

a spazz in a wet suit
(ThePony, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 14:23, Reply)

How does a blind parachutist know when to pull the cord?
The leash goes slack
( Weetobix, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 12:31, Reply)

SUNG WA!
An American tycoon is on a business trip to Japan. The night before he is due to play golf with a prominant Japanese businessman he decides to pick up a prostitute & take her back to his hotel room. To take his mind off the impending meeting he fucks her really long and hard, to which she starts screaming "SUNG WA! SUNG WA!" which he assumes is Japanese for "Amazing, Amazing".

The next day the golf game goes really well and on the 18th hole the Japanese businessman gets a hole in one. Seeking to impress his host, the American shouts out "SUNG WA! SUNG WA!". The Japanese businessman turns to the American with a confused look on his face and asks, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'"?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 11:02, Reply)

Income tax...
...that's a pretty sick joke right?
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 17:54, Reply)

.....
Q. Did you hear about the Muslim sex doll?

A. It blows itself up.
(Wrecked Tums, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 15:25, Reply)

I once found a 20 year old 1st Edition in my local library
It was entitled "Coping with Glaucoma"
( Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 14:08, Reply)

you feel guilty for laughing
A man and a little boy are walking deep into a scary forest at night. The little boy looks up at the man and says, "Golly gosh, this is really frightening, isn't it?"
The man looks back at the little boy and says, "You think this is scary now? Feel sorry for me - I'm going to have to walk back through this on my own!"
(you_always_felt_like_suede, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 13:01, Reply)

What's blue and fucks grannies?
Harold Shipman.

Why has Beadle got a little withered hand?
Cos he keeps stuffing it up your auntie's mutton tube.

What's worse than Peter Sutcliffe bathing your kids?
Katherine Jenkins getting fucked by a wolf.

Why can't Michael Barrymore have kids?
Cos he mangled his bulbous glans in your eleven year old sister's tight, illegal dirtbox.
(Leather Apron Bang Bang It's Thomas Hamilton, Mon 13 Mar 2006, 17:56, Reply)

Say this one instead of the cracker joke at christmas dinner....
What's sticky and smells of vinegar?

Nan's cunt.
(tugger blah fucking blah, Mon 13 Mar 2006, 5:08, Reply)

Sorry if it's been said....
but I really can't be fucking arsed to go through them all....

What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock?

You can't fuck a rock.
(tugger blah fucking blah, Mon 13 Mar 2006, 4:38, Reply)

Ikea
Now that gay marriage has become legal in the UK, Ikea has responded by exclusively releasing a new range of lesbian furniture in its British branches.

There's no screwing involved, and it's all tongue and groove.
(SJH, Sun 12 Mar 2006, 23:57, Reply)

Some mad old irish guy came up to me and told me this...
I hope to god this hasnt been posted before. Ill feel guilty then.

After the tsunami,God phoned Bin Laden up and said " beat that, fucker!"
(Miharu, Sat 11 Mar 2006, 21:44, Reply)