Your Typical Internet Showdown
So a few years back I got into it with some jerk on Facebook. Puffed up little hard-man type, thought he was a player because he owned a BMW. Fuck knows why I even had him on my feed but there you go. He only ever did two things anyway: post pictures of himself posing next to that fucking car, or creep over women. Like, the second some girl changes her profile pic, he's there with some skeevy comment. He managed to do this without pissing off absolutely everyone beacause he knew how to toe the line between clumsy and enthusiastic and genuinely unpleasant.

Anyway, he'd been trying my patience for a while, when all of a sudden he started up on my wife. I didn't even know they were Facebook friends, but suddenly he's replying to her status updates with shit like "girl u so hot" and "babe u need a real man in ur life xoxoxo". I snapped and unloaded on him. Told him what I really thought, that he was a jumped up twat, a foolish little child-man and that having that fucking stupid car was no substitute for having a dick the size of a mouse turd. And get this, dickbrain gets all shitty with me, says he knows where I live and maybe he'll come round and teach me lesson, crap like that. He starts talking shit about my family and that's where I lost my sense of humour. No-one fucking threatens my family.

So I goaded him a bit further, got his blood running hot, and tricked him into giving me his address, on the basis that I would be round later that day for a good beating. I admit I said a few embarrasing things, I guess you could call it a meltdown, in deference to the topic, but that was all part of my plan. Obviously I didn't go. I'm not some fucking animal. I had a plan. I waited a little over a month, until I figured his tiny brain had forgotten the whole arrangement, then I packed some rope and my trusty hunting knife into my backpack and walked the 4 miles or so to his house, under cover of darkness.

When I got there, his car was in the driveway. I am man enough to admit it looked pretty impressive in real life. It looked strong, sleek and powerful. I eyed up the tyres as I opened my bag and brushed my fingers gently over the handle of my knife. My heart was pounding. I set my resolve in steel. It was now or never. I let out a ragged breath.

"Showtime," I thought to myself as I pulled my trousers down and thrust my engorged penis deep into the car's exhaust pipe. The metal and soot felt really good against my throbbing bellend as I shuddered and moaned, thrusting my triumphant manhood in and out of this beautiful machine. All of a sudden the door burst open and the jerkwad himself appeared at the door, a look of utter bewilderment on his face.

"What the fuck are you doing to my Beamer!?" he roared as I made sweet, sweet love to the car. "Your Beamer's name is Uncle Daddy and I'm fucking him up the back passage!!!" I screamed as I climaxed convulsively, overwhelmed by the sexual ecstasy of the greatest orgasm of my entire life. As he looked on in mute horror, I collapsed onto his driveway, utterly spent and satisfied.

And then I shat myself.
(Frank Snow, Sat 22 Jun 2013, 18:43, 10 replies)

Misquote
My friend 'Rob' (which actually is his name, I'm going for the double bluff) suffered an unfortunate sequence of events that led him to hint in his Facebook update that he was going to kill himself. His girlfriend had left him, his Crohn's disease was flaring like the sun, and worst of all he was a Proper Ginga. Born that way.
The hints of suicide started about 2AM, grew steadily more blatant, and around 5AM he swallowed a mixture of massive and legal drugs, and signed off with a quote. "Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish!"
Amidst the worried messages was this priceless gem:
"It's 'So long, and thanks for all the fish.' Get it right."
(searlichek, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 16:28, 6 replies)

The case of mistaken identity
Full story, with screenshots, in replies
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 16:46, 10 replies)

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS
Generally, a bike ride through the countryside puts me in a good, peaceable mood, able to shrug off all kinds of wuffkittery and keep smiling.

Which is clearly not true of this guy. (Originally posted on the Lonely Planet forums, but since taken down... fortunately someone took a PDF dump. Um, I could rephrase that.) It starts with "I'm looking for a cycling partner" and sort of descends into 9-11 conspiracy theories. "Cyclists did WTC", obviously.

(waiting for this week's QOTW to turn into the b3ta equivalent of Encyclopaedia Dramatica. Except more self-referential...)
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 15:05, 11 replies)

Pickled Onions
Some individuals are of the opinion that this is where it all went wrong for me:

www.b3ta.com/questions/allwentwrong/post1882876

They are incorrect.

THIS is where it really all went wrong for me:

www.b3ta.com/questions/allwentwrong/post1880321

Or maybe this:

www.b3ta.com/questions/mademelaugh/post1804846

Or maybe - no, certainly - this:

www.b3ta.com/questions/shopsandsupermarkets/post1614891

But it's OK because everything is all right now. Everything... all right. Now... Yes, it is. Or it will be, as soon as the other Dr S follows my instructions re. the pickled onions.

As we're on the subject, here is a poem about pickled onions, writteny-witteny by mee-wee. You lucky people!


Pickled onions!
I love their vinegary taste
I love to shove them in my face
I love them! They are fucking ace!
Pickled bastardin’ onions!

Pickled onions!
My Mum makes them every year
When Christmas time is drawing near
They taste GREAT with bottled beer!
Pickled shittin’ onions!

Pickled onions!
Once when sitting in a bar
Drinking beer with Andrew Marr
I wolfed down an entire jar!
Pickled bleedin’ onions!

Pickled onions!
They can cure a nasty cough
See how many you can scoff
Pickled eggs can fuck right off!
Pickled friggin’ onions!

Pickled onions!
Oh no! The lid is firmly stuck!
I can’t undo it! Bloody fuck!
I need my pickled tasty tuck!
Pickled bollockin’ onions!

Pickled onions!
I once dropped one on the floor
It rolled away under the door
My sister found it, BLOODY WHORE!
Pickled fuckin’ onions!

Pickled onions!
Oh, they’re Lush, ain’t they, eh?
They send my blues right away!
I’m gonna eat TWO jars today!
PICKLED CUNTIN’ ONIONS!

----------------
Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings, eat your heart out!

Dr S
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 21 Jun 2013, 23:10, 15 replies)

pretend girlfriend exposed
Honestly, 6 years later I am still cringing about this.

Over several years I spent more and more time writing long self promotional instructional posts on all areas of self improvement.

For one of these posts I decided to model the mindset of a girl at work that I had a crush on. She had previously been a successful rower at a very high level. I wrote a great motivational piece based on the things she had told me that had driven her.

Only I made the mistake of pretending in the post that she was my girlfriend (she had previously turned my advances down cold). I wrote line after line about our relationship, physical and mental.

Anyway. When I discovered facebook I made the foolish decision to post some of my greatest articles as 'notes'

When I walked into the office the next day every single face was grinning at me, apart from this girl who was sitting looking mortified.

Yeah, everyone had read the 'note' and since olympic rowers aren't very common they rightly assumed I was talking about her. Only she of course strongly objected to the idea that we had ever been intimate and made it clear that the very thought made her sick.

It was the most humiliating thing I have ever experienced
(zaidin, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 17:38, 10 replies)

As much as Misery McUglywife is doing his best to get the title this week...
Through online attention seeking, there can be only one winner of this coveted award:
b3ta.com/links/896088
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 24 Jun 2013, 13:00, 27 replies)

I think the second generation of interneters are doing it wrong. The problem with them is that they're all trying to be cool. And there is literally nothing worse than coolness. Say what you will about child molesters but at least when you get a group of them together on a forum they’re enthusiastic about their interest. It’s not all “well I only did it because I’m bored”, “yeah, sex with children is soooo over-rated”

Coolness has ruined proper internet spats. Now it’s just people trying to prove they care less about everything than everyone else. It’s little more than people slouched in a dimly lit room mumbling “whatever” at each other….or in our case “alright”. They dare not even use a capital letter in case they're accused of trying too hard.
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Fri 21 Jun 2013, 9:04, 16 replies)

Isn't this like strolling in to a weight watchers meeting and asking if anybody likes cake?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 17:23, 7 replies)

I saw quite an awesome real-life meltdown on Saturday night
Coming back through Archway on the night bus, I was with a couple of ladies on the back seat, chatting to a couple we had just met. We had pizza, which we shared with them. As the bus stopped and everyone had to get off, this screamingly camp guy started shouting something like "Well, I've learned one thing this journey, I hate American girls!" at us. So after we pointed out that there were no Americans present and the word he was probably looking for was "Canadian", he went into a complete spazz-out and started pushing my friend, screaming at the top of his lungs, crying and spitting in her face. Which would probably have been a bit frightening if he hadn't been camper than the Volkswagen Type 2.

Anyway, after he'd bawled incoherently at us for a while, stamping his little feet and getting himself into a right tizzy, we got bored and wandered off to grab a beer from the 24 hour offie for the walk home. We passed him on the way back, where he had his phone out, animatedly relating the incident to someone who was evidently delighted to hear his hysterical whining at 2am.

It was at this point that I was sorely tempted to ask if he'd ever posted online under the username "Rory Lyon".
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 25 Jun 2013, 11:55, 24 replies)

Happy Slapping currently being looked at right now
Is a Facebook link to the vid. Some ugly 16 year old girl thought it would be a laugh to slap a 60+ old guy and have the video stuck on a public page on Facebook this afternoon. Of all the fucking stupid things to do; she and the surrounding crowd have been named and shamed and she's literally just been nicked.

Never understood filming happy slapping; it's assault with free evidence for court.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 24 Jun 2013, 18:44, 9 replies)

Bloke's a cunt
But the Fail Archive is a goldmine of internet shittery.

www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=10973
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Mon 24 Jun 2013, 3:18, 11 replies)

Guy I used to work with
Some guy I used to work with posted a lot of fairly annoying, offencive comments on Facebook. Now I'm fine with people being able to speak freely, free speech after all if how good ideas spread and bad ones die out.
The problem was his posts were poorly reasoned. He had a rant about how people who who donated to comic relife were stupid as if "little Tuktuk" couldn't be taught not to shit in the water source then no money would fix that. This came from a video about to dirty water thousands of peoole drink. I pointed out not only humans shit and better education in hygene as well as water treatment would all save lives. He wouldn't hear it.
Later, he was at a speed awareness course after he got caught speeding. He wasn't happy about this and posted "I'm not sexist but of the 20 people in this room only 5 are men, shows you who the better drivers are." I decided this would be a good time to wind him up I considered pointing out statistical unreliability of such a small group but instead I went with. "So what you're saying is you drive like a girl?".
He took the bait, "How many girls do you know? And your mum dosen't count!" He raged as my coment quickly gathered likes. His female friends quickly started joining in, calling him a woman driver and even the odd "haha, well said mong!". This clearly annoyed him more. "I'm a good driver!" He protested "Then why were you at that course?" Asked one of his friends. "I was speeding, I'm still a good driver!" "But you said that women were bad drivers as there were more of them at the course!"
This continued for a while, I stopped reading it soon after but it was great seeing him so easily wound up.
(Mong goose, Sun 23 Jun 2013, 14:25, 1 reply)

The ARYANS are coming!
I was in a LinkedIn group which was otherwise worthy and businesslike except for one contributor in Singapore. Most of her posts were normal and to the point, but every once in a while she'd forget to take her medication and start huge long capslock rants about THE ARYANS! ARYANS! were monitoring our actions, ARYANS! had superior technology, ARYANS! were posing as human beings. This was a bit much considering most of us in the group were white middle-class Europeans.

It took us a while to realise that she was ranting rather phonetically about ALIENS.

Amazingly she was never kicked out of the group, and would return to normal discussion a few days later as though nothing had happened.
( Bootsthealchemist is barred from the Masterchef Facebook page, Sun 23 Jun 2013, 8:29, 5 replies)

Welcome to rape island...
I used to be involved in The Venus Project. For those who don't know it's a project in Florida founded by architect and inventor Jacque Fresco advocating the automation of production to it's fullest extent this including management of the worlds resources. Obviously within all this is a change in the ethos and values of society allowing us to follow our dreams and not have to worry about were our items come from as people will be more socially conscious and so forth.

I was essentially a moderator on their facebook page answering queries and deleting inappropriate or irrelevant comments. Enter the crazy lady. I was asked about the end were people could have anything they wished for. I said that if people were raised in a caring, loving and safe society that thought values that would serve society and ultimately humanity and processes were streamlined then, essentially, a lot more would be possible.

"How about an Island for rapists?". Not, in any sense, the average question I would be asked to which I replied "Ya what now?". "An island for rapists were people who wanted to get raped could go an visit, like a resort"... Right.

"Well, ideally the environs that create rapists would be eliminated in such a society. If the problem was genetic or biological then a medically advanced society would probably research means in which to treat the people effected". Job done.

"You can't treat rapists so the Island would be a safe place were they could rape people who wanted to be raped!". Sigh. "Yes you can, as I said rapists or other sexual deviants are usually a product of society or suffer from a psychiatric illness".

Somewhat incensed crazy lady CAPS LOCKED "AND HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW!!!!". I replied with "I treat sexual deviants...".

Ninj edit: made it a bit clearer. Certainly not going back through the weres/where's.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Fri 21 Jun 2013, 19:31, 37 replies)

um, no
the internet is good for a laugh, but for fuck's sake, people, don't take it so seriously, it's words on a screen!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 21 Jun 2013, 16:26, 26 replies)

Bill Maher once said :
“Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?”
(Mackeson_drinker, Fri 21 Jun 2013, 6:07, 2 replies)

Tracy on Facebook
www.funpic.hu/en/categories/computer-internet/33832_picture?mode=search&search=tracy&type=picture&all=1&position=0
(Alligator, Fri 21 Jun 2013, 1:12, 2 replies)

Ever said something you've regretted on the internet?
Me? Nope, never.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 15:24, 2 replies)

Some tales of the many idiots I am friends with on Facebook
I posted that I was organising an office sweepstake on the appointment of the new Pope. Guy I went to university with posted 'bad taste' as a comment. I asked 'Why?'. Got a PM from him and separately from his wife telling me I was being a hostile atheist and taking the piss out of a very important issue to the world's Catholics, which was news to me...

Also, I defriended someone I went to school with because she was racist and couldn't spell (She'd been very active on a page called something like 'Say NO too Mosqs in Great British Citys!!'. She tried to friend me back and I ignored it. I then got a private message calling me a snob who was quite probably 'a bumlord'.

Finally, I had someone ask me to remove a picture I'd posted from a party once because you could see their kid in the background. I thought it was a bit weird but I obeyed. She then asked me if I could make sure the photo had been destroyed. I replied that they were being a bit OTT and it was a digital photo anyway. She replied and said 'well send me the original digital photo!'. So I emailed it to her. Presumably she deleted it...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 15:18, 6 replies)

Fucking billionaire flouncing....
www.theregister.co.uk/2006/10/30/b3ta_sees_off_virgin/

I really can't be fucked digging the challenge out.

Additionally, I can't believe it was seven fucking years ago that this all happened. Fuck me!
( Muns, Mon 24 Jun 2013, 16:41, 7 replies)

Gallifrey Base
To make up for my earlier self-referentialititity, this place

gallifreybase.com/forum/

has regular meltdowns. Almost daily. Any time any news about Dr Who breaks, the inhabitants of GB throw their toys so far out of the pram they bounce back off the rubber walls and hit them in the face upon which they scream even louder, and then shit themselves, and then start flinging their shit at each other, until the mods come in and clean up the mess.

I am happy to say I no longer post there...

Dr S
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 24 Jun 2013, 16:04, 35 replies)

your all gay

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 Jun 2013, 13:44, 6 replies)

Since the last cryptic graph got deleted in a fit of pique, have another one.


See if you can work out what it represents! (I won't throw a tantrum if you make facetious answers, by the way.)
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 22 Jun 2013, 23:15, 80 replies)

The arse-froth that comes from this cunt
(McChinaman banned, Sat 22 Jun 2013, 12:07, 1 reply)

People who have been absolute cunts on the internet in the last five years?
**looks around**

No. No. Can't think of any. Sorry.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 23:55, 3 replies)

Vegas News 2004
Not strictly on topic but the comments meltdown when an article about the rehabilitation of Roy Horn of tiger mauling fame featured on a certain UK mailout was briefly amusing. Tina Cockwash rules.

Now only available in archives.

bit.ly/147vg00

Link shortened so as not to break the board. No horses, just tigers, promise.
( custardthehedgehog, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 19:47, 3 replies)

Coming in early this week for boos and hisses..
My friend's wife is a medical research consultant in the field of genetic disorders. She has developed a laser treatment which can vapourise chromosomes one at a time to get rid of any extra ones.
My friend wondered if her new treatment would be successful and he asked me, "So shall m'dear melt downs?"

/coat.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 20 Jun 2013, 19:36, Reply)

Firstly, this question isn't my favourite question. It's not even in my top ten.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 17:45, 6 replies)