Also Friends Reunited...
A mate and I joined at school so we could rip it out of our teachers at the time should they be on there. We used 1986 as our leaving-school date, since it was the year of our births and easy to remember.

The joke has been on us because I keep getting emails from people claiming to know us. I just wonder how many people there are with my name.
(stiglfc And the big wheel keep on turnin', Thu 11 Sep 2008, 17:57, Reply)

My sister's ex hubby
Is a twunt of the highest order. He has a son of seventeen years, whom he sees for two weeks of the summer, and fills his brain with crap.
First off, he has paid a total of $10 in child support. You rock!
Then he spends his life making sound effects for video games. What a star!
Then you post on your profile:

"I'm also a self-styled RECLUSE who hates humanity because they are so fucking stupid, selfish, greedy, willfully ignorant, competitive and power-hungry. Therefore I choose to NOT associate with these fucking insane ego-maniacs who just keep BREEDING until there is no room left on this little blue planet.

Stupid fucking idiots keep pumping out children, thinking they have some NEED to keep the population growing geometrically over the current 6.6 BILLION??? (30 years ago, when I was a kid, it was 'only' 3.6 Billion and THAT was way too many people even back then!)

So tell me, do you think it's fucking NORMAL that we have to CLONE food just to feed everyone? Do you think it's NORMAL that we have to now build homes UPWARDS in skyscrapers because there is no more room horizontally? Because if you think getting a job 'NOW' is hard, how fucking insanely tough do you think it will be for your kids when there are even MORE people here???

TAKE the fucking hint you retards, STOP BREEDING IMMEDIATELY!"

Oh, and a 'self-styled recluse' is webspeak for 'can't hold a job for more than a day, so I live in my mum's basement. I'm forty years old'.


It's all there for his son to see. He must be so proud of his daddy.
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 17:53, Reply)

The bitterness is strong in this one
The biggest mistake I made was giving into curiosity and signing on with Friends Reunited under a false name to see if all of the cunts I went to school with had died long painful deaths. Unfortunately they hadn't.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 17:48, 2 replies)

An ex-colleague...
...discovered his mates facebook password, and every day changed his birthday to the current day, resulting in him being inundated with "Happy birthday mike" every day.
(gin'll fix it, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 17:47, 1 reply)

Facebook=cunts
Now after a particularly messy divorce, followed by two years of ignoring each other in the street I thought I knew where me and my ex stood (on opposite sides of the barriers throwing pointy objects at each other).

She even got the police involved when I behaved innapropriately towards her children (apparently smiling and waving were the wrong thing to do to children you had brought up as your own) and I was subsequently advised that it would be easier for all concerned if I just ignored them in the streets. This broke my heart.

Anyway, after two years of this the eldest of my ex-stepdaughter's invited me to be her friend on Facebook and wrote on my wall that she'd like to get back in contact but would need to keep this secret from her mum.

Unfortunately her mum read her Facebook updates, tracked down the comments and went balistic. To my dismay I saw this litttle girl's profile go from "is being shouted at by her mummy" to "is confused" and then I was taken off her friends list and have heard nothing since.

So, thank you Facebook and your update whoring, you cost me the chance of recovering a loved one.

Bastards.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 17:38, 6 replies)

The whole truth and nothing but
It was following a messy breakup, I was lonely vulnerable and emotional and had turned to drink and drugs and had run out of drugs (though that is never an excuse). I was whiling away the heavy comedown waiting to pass out and torturing myself by purusing the lovers lost (or might have beens) and the stellar careers of my former classmates on Friends Reunited (this was a few years back during the few seconds it had novelty value) - you know the type "working on the 45th floor of Canary Wharf" from the kid who had trouble in maths (always knew you were a banker - come on Osama!), "Happily married with beautiful kids" from the class minger (ahh - well deserved, hope they're yours). The best non pithy tagline was from a guy who had followed his dream and become a photpornographer for an adult magazine, and to prove it his profile pic showed him on a beach being chased by a bevvy of beauties Benny Hill style, but even this didn't cheer me up, so depressed I vowed never to touch FR again and went to bed - if only...

During the next week at work I began to get a few messages from people I hadn't heard from in years asking how I was - I ignored the first few being a wanker, but I received more cryptic messages, their tone concerned and the senders seemed to know way too much about me. Eventually my paranoia prompted me to reply with a WTF response. "Dude, check your FR profile!" was the reply so I did. It was a no holds barred story of all the failures in my life, the six year ruined relationship, the incomplete degree the descent into drink and drugs including the short spell at HMP. Nothing was overlooked. I read with horror and a dawning memory of being so annoyed by all the optimism, happy lives and down right lies on FR that it was time for some TRUTH - I believe I may have even found it cathartic at the time. Since then I have always been wary of the twin evils of drink and social networking - waay worse than drunk texting. I changed my profile to "Still alive" to allay any concerns to the contrary and left it at that.

I have not been back there since and am a lot happier now :o)
(jmaxi returned again on, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 17:26, 1 reply)

it started on a networking site,
and has pretty much ended on one too. I've yet to work out where I made the mistake though...

About 5 years ago, at the bottom of a bottle of vodka, my flatmate signed me up to faceparty. It’s full of dreadful people, and I soon deleted my profile. However, in the days whilst the fascination was still sucking me in, I had stumbled upon the most wonderfully eloquent and enchanting person.

Over 9 months of email and msn banter, I believed that I had found my soul mate.

And in the flesh, he was even more captivating.

A further 3 years on an emotional rollercoaster taught us that we did not work in a girlfriend-boyfriend type way; I loved him to the ends of the earth, but knew he could not be trusted and consequently our relationship was untenable. So we broke up.

We managed to find our way back to a near perfect friendship; I had a confidante and companion who helped me though some tough times. Until his girlfriend (or fiancée, as I was recently informed) banned him from any contact with me. I don’t really understand why, since I was not any threat to what they have. I had realised long ago that we work best as friends and nothing more.

I still get the occasional email; there is never any text, merely a link to something or a picture. Momentarily the lost, broken part of my soul that is wondering around looking for him feels comforted.

OK, and I admit that once every couple of months I look at his facebook page, too. But I feel like I have no place to be there and guiltily start checking to see if anyone is watching me...
( kitsune-tsuki tankeløst hode får lettest sove, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 17:22, 3 replies)

Not me, but family.
My Brother in Law has written on his Facebook profile that he is an uber-rich property developer, who has now moved up to buying large properties, gaining planning approval, and selling on for a huge profit. Some of his friends have written on his wall 'Wow, you really showed those teachers in school who said you would amount to nothing! Well done!' etc etc.

He did a runner from his flat Up North because he can't afford his rent. He's had to join the Navy to pay for food.

Hope his friends never find out, it would spoil the illusion.
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 17:21, Reply)

Dating sites give you a chance to show your true self
My mate (I use that term loosely; I've got him hospitalised before) has a video of himself spraying a very moist turd over his flatmate's bedroom, giggling like a school girl at his achievement and proceeding to kick the newly formed puddle up the walls.

He's still single on match.com and is seeking one of those 6 month free offers for not getting laid with the site's help. I wonder why...
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 11 Sep 2008, 17:18, 2 replies)

Joining Facebook in the first place.
Now I can't kill my account. They keep your info for ever and ever and ever....
( Ysol ab abl blap, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:57, 1 reply)

Crap show, great sketch
shit site (facebook) but this is spot on:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrlSkU0TFLs
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:46, Reply)

what is social networking?
I'm on no such sites. But then I have no friends.
(frankspencer, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:46, 4 replies)

I'm being Facebook stalked
By the weird kid from school.

This guy, Adam, never spoke to him there. He recently popped up on Farcebook.

And I noticed him posting odd, badly-spelt, slightly sinister messages on people's pictures along the lines of:

"hi howr u ur lookin gd its been ages snce skool wot r u doing lets meet up".

Then came the bulletins:

"thrs new vids of me hitting my pnch bag on yootube heres the links its well gd"

Then came the late night IM contacts

"hi how r u"

"Er, hi? Do I know you?"

"yeah we went2 school"

"Oh, right. Did we have any friends in common?"

"we shd meet up i really want to"

"Sorry, mate, I've moved away."

"i can come visit"

"I have to go now..."

BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK!

He's recently tried adding me again...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:42, Reply)

Sick? Really?
A few months ago one of our sales reps telephoned in on a Monday morning to say that she was feeling ill after a weekend down south to visit her dad and wouldn't be in for the next few days. She came in a few days later with tales of how bad she had been with this mysterious disease that had ruined her weekend and made her totally bedridden.

I would have proably believed her if I wasn't on her Facebook friends list and had seen that she changed her status on Sunday night to "is really nervous about her second job interview tomorrow".
(mon bison powered by magnets, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:37, Reply)

Perfect, I can tell you all a lovely story about how I was screwed out of a job because of facebook.
I was busy, slogging away at my old job. And was called into a meeting room by my manager. Nothing strange there, figured it would be some kind of review.

As soon as the door closed, my manager's happy voice turned sad.

"I'm very disappointed in you Dave"

At this point I'm thinking... "WTF?"

I was then handed an envelope containing an invitation to a disiplinary meeting, a print out of my facebook page, and a letter explaining... in no uncertain terms, that it is not O.K. to call the company you work for. "CUNTS"

The next week, the meeting.

I stated my case, they stated theirs. My union rep was nice and supporting. And I was dismissed.

So, thanks facebook. You steaming bunch of wankers.
( The Flaming Ibanez Awww, c'mon, Japanese girls do it!, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:34, 13 replies)

Chocolate Starfish
My flatmate made the mistake of leaving his facebook page open whilst busying himself with the preparation of dinner.

I asked if he'd finished with it and he confirmed that he had, so I closed it.

But only after changing his preference from women to men and altering his status to read something along the lines of "xxxxxx is ready to take your length up his chocolate tea towel holder"

It was a week or so until he checked it again, by which time he'd received a fair few messages asking about this most unsuspected revelation.
( Moey, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:30, 2 replies)

You do meet some interesting folk online
I did meet a really cool lady from Ohio (or somewhere similar). Unlike most net-dwellers she was actually extremely outdoors-y.

What with me being a librarian I do know a thing or two about researching societies, companies and whathave you, and this came in handy with her. She goes out fishing a lot, but what with fishing being a predominantly male pastime, she wanted to meet lady fisher..women. So off I go, searching for some kind of club for lady fisher...people. Sure enough, I find one called the Girl's American Fishing Society. I passed ont he details and she got in touch with them.

We lost touch for a while but about 4 months later she reappeared on my MSN. She couldn't thank me enough - the people were fantastic and she'd learnt all sorts of new fishing tips from her new friends. She even did a bit of work for them, working on their bi-annual newsletter. I was rather chuffed by this. So I'm telling this story to a friend of mine, to which is response was... "so?"

"So?" You cheeky git.

So she'll net, working G.A.F.S

Oh fuck off. In this world it's pun or be punned.
(GONEism, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:28, 5 replies)

Poses
And what's with what's commonly known as "the Myspace pose"? A message to all halfwits who do said pose.

The majority of people who go on social networking sites are looking to meet and get laid. All but a teeny tiny minority use these sites with a view to actually meeting someone face to face. You spend forever cocking your neck to look up at the camera and setting the camera to black and white and getting your emo fringe just so, so you look overso gorge for all the people who look at your profile. You do realise that if the picture has the desired effect and you gain the affections of some man/woman/boy/girl/glitter, you then have to keep that look up forever out of fear that seeing you in your true form will repel them?

Then you will damage your neck from keeping it like that, and then you'll have to take time off work/school and claim benefits on my bloody taxes.

You'd be better off finding an utterly crap picture of yourself. At least that way if someone likes you and meets you, they'll be pleasantly surprised.

I'm a cyber-aunt for the 21st century, me.
(GONEism, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:16, 4 replies)

has no one posted this yet?
www.facecunt.com/
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:11, 4 replies)

A guy in work
was remotely accessing his computer through a website called Logmein (not that bad a site, most probs better ones out there but hey ho). He was keeping an eye on some downloads when his pre-teen daughter starts using his computer in the house. She's got no idea by the way that her dad is in her office and is watching everything she is clicking on an typing by the way; she just thinks he's left his computer on to download. So she fires up MSN Messenger and starts chatting to one of her friends, all of which is being witnessed by dad in work.
After about 5 minutes of talking about bollocks, dad is a bit bored, so he decides to have a laugh. As his daughter is typing away merrily on MSN he starts typing gibberish on his own office keyboard and it adds a load of jumble onto the message she was about to send. She deletes all of this then types to her friend "I think my computer has a virus" then sends it. Her dad however, slowly types into the Messenger box "NO IT DOESN'T."
Apparently the screen went off in about 10 seconds flat and when he got home from work later that night he found her hiding in her bedroom, cowering under the duvet.
Now that's fucking parenting :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:09, 8 replies)

Zoosk ...
Enough said maybe - but a crazed desire to see how bad things could be led me to flirt with the woman whose profile picture was a cutesy teddy bear ...

... she sounded dirty and exotic (just back from living in Gibralter) and I hoped on the train one evening to meet her. I'll be on the platform waiting for you she said. 10mins out a text said - just me on the platform - you can't miss me ... I should have stayed on the train and just kept going!

When I got home I defriended her, uninstalled zoosk and tried to forget.

I can't even say she had nice hair :-(
(Biff..., Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:07, 4 replies)

Little brother
When he comes to stay he spends the entire day chatting on GuySpace, FaceFook and S&M or whatever they're called. Irritates me to the point of demanding for him to step away from the computer. Then we have half an hour of him asking "what shall we do?", "want to do this?", "want to do that?", etc. Then I demand that he returns to the computer.

Is that a gaffe? I dunno.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:07, Reply)

The Stig, below, has got me thinking...
I've not done it much, but I have sent a couple of gazzes that I subsequently regretted.

OK - I admit that they were invariably in response to something posted on b3ta, which is a public forum, and so one on which anything ought to be up for grabs. But, all the same, there's been a couple of times when keeping schtum would've been a better idea.

If you're one of the people to have received a sub-par gaz from me... apologies. My clicking finger is sometimes a bit quick.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:03, 10 replies)

Years ago...
I made the mistake of joining MSN messenger (does that count? well, anyway) and talking to retarded Americans at 3am.

Why? I was on a downer at the time and getting seriously depressed and not having many friends of my own thought this would cheer me up along with the vast quantities of alcohol I was consuming.

How wrong I was. One guy insisted I should come over and marry him (I was training to be an engineer at the time so a Green Card wasn't a problem). All the girls were just really bitchy.

The reason I gave it up? Well apart from pulling myself together, I got fed up of people correcting me on my spelling when I typed words such as 'realise' and 'colour'.
Get stuffed. I don't whine on about 'gray' and how to pronounce 'paedophile' which I suspect half of them were.
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 16:00, 7 replies)

My B3ta gaffe and other apocryphal tales.
I cocked up royally when I first came here! After posting a few stories on here I started looking at few profiles to get a flavour of the people here. I then found a profile of a girl who liked anime. So I gazzed her, we chatted a little, then I went too far and said "So tell me a little about yourself". It was only after I hit the "sent" button, that I thought, "Hang on, that's a little OVER friendly!". She never replied back! So, if you reading this "Bats", I'm really sorry about my gaffe! I'm a total tool! Just a newbie being a newbie! ^_^

I haven't made or seen any faux pas on Facebook, but (as someone else mentioned) I've seen tons on Friends Reunited. It's amazing how many people left school, thick as a pound of tripe, and made millions!

One other gem I saw was a girl at my school who was "working at her dream job.". The job in question? Team leader at McDonalds! For the record, it's a job and nothing to be ashamed of, but I'm having a little trouble believing that while other children were growing up dreaming of being a racing driver or an astronaut, you were dreaming about flipping burgers and frying chips.....
(The Stig, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 15:56, 2 replies)

following on from mrgribbles post below
people who change their status so that the whole fucking world knows how miserable they are.

no one gives a shit.

I don't understand how facebook has turned so many people I thought were ok into fucking emos.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 15:48, 4 replies)

does B3ta count?
long time ago the question of the week had something to do with oddball classmates or something, I had some odd classmates so i answered the QotW..

within the week that followed all 3 of the people i'd mentioned had apparently googled their name and been linked to my answer, only 1 of the 3 i still had some form of cantact with and he was fine about it but the other 2 managed to track me down through friends of friends to tell me they don't much like me slagging them off online...
(That Random Guy, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 15:47, Reply)

The worst gaffe
Not me, but seemingly 99% of Facebook users accidentally, three times a day, highlight the fact that they are a complete fucking narcissistic retard.

I'm referring to status updates:

"Dave is drinking tea"

Great, go Dave!

"Flo is tying her shoelaces"

Amazing!!

"Bob has found some fluff in his bellybutton"

Woopdeedoo!

Grrr.
( rofl harris, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 15:44, 2 replies)

Sorry mate!
Agnostic Antichrist added me as a friend on his myspace page. I tootled off and had a look to see what sort of chap he was. We met last Friday and he's a bloody decent bloke. This is despite his 1 and only blog from 07/10/05 regarding a lost love. It ends like this:

It's so upsetting, i listened to Green Day - Wake Me Up When September ends for an hour and a half because it was the only song that suited my mood.

God i'm depressed.



( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 15:41, 6 replies)

Mankini
not much too bad, just many pictures of me wearing nothing but a mankini on my 30th birthday which were seen by my parents in law, and several of their friends.

its just a good job i have a fantastic ass really (come on its the oly bit of me thats any good!)
(pogo_it, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 15:35, 1 reply)