On the subject of my work
Probably the best spoiler I ever witness was for the benefit of a young 12yr old Ian (not real name). A young messer committed to a secure unit for constantly running away. The unit itself was secure in the sense that it was surrounded by a massive security fence and all the doors on the unit were locked.

Anyways young Ian had managed to snatch a set of keys but hampered by the fact he had to unlock every door had simple managed to make it as far as the visitor toilets and promptly locked himself in there. Being a visitor's toilets it was tailored for both sexes. Being a messer young Ian had a habit of putting things in his mouth for attention.

Having managed to kick the door in Ian was removed to the sitting room were someone spotted a string hanging from twixt young Ians lips....

The male staff were removed from the room but we all gathered at the window to see one of the girls kneel beside Ian and calmly explain the facts of life. Upon hearing this most vivid of spoilers Ian vomited.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 11 Jun 2013, 14:50, 4 replies)

I once saw...
...an anniversary DVD box set of the original Planet of the Apes, which had the semi-submerged ruins of the Statue of Liberty ON THE FUCKING COVER.

I have no idea whether or not their entire marketing department were persuaded to commit ritual suicide, but I can only hope.
(Joy Division Oven Gloves Death to false metal, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 14:03, 2 replies)

I thought I'd contribute an actual story, rather than just listing movie spoilers
One time I was working in the desert and a call came through on the 2-way that the surveyors had managed to get themselves bogged up passed the axle in mud trying to drive across a salt lake to an island. There had been some rains a few weeks previous, so they'd misread the dry cracked crust, that hid deep sticking mud underneath. They must have thought their momentum would take them to the island and given it some welly, but had only managed to reach halfway.
Now the thing at the time was to give a carton of beer to each man of the vehicle that rescued you, so there was a bit of a rush to get out there and claim the prize. The drillers, skiivers that they were, got there first, but managed to get their own shitty Hi-lux just as badly bogged trying to get close enough. So now it was two was two cartons per man, and half the exploration camp was gearing up like It's a Mad, Mad, Mad world.
I and my fieldies got their first, and surveyed the situation. We had two 50m extra long snatch straps, but they were at least 200m out into the lake. The only way was the hard way. The only trees in the viscinity were some scrubby specimens on the island. So we formed a group and denuded the whole area. The rest digged the sucking mud until the tire were free, hard yakka when the mercury was over 40. We then wedged as much vegetation as we could, as well as rubber mats and even parts of the roo-jack under the half-deflated tyres, and created a running-board track of wood along the wheel ruts all the way back to safety. It took a good few hours of sweat.
When we were ready we daisy chained the snatch straps, and then did the delicate buisness of pulling them out. To much torque early on and the strap can snap, sometimes whiplashing back. Every vehicle has to give just the right amount of power in co-ordination, and build once they start moving. We got them out this time. Just as well as the rains came heavy a few days later and we could have lost two vehicles. The free piss at the wet mess that night went down without touching the sides. Later we were told that the island was a sacred site and off limits, so we wouln't have been able to drill their anyway.
I never said it'd have anything to do with the topic.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 11 Jun 2013, 22:50, 3 replies)

Terminator anti spoiler
I am 14 years old.....terminator is on the TV, back in the day of VHS tapes.

I beg and plead to my mother to let me stay up and watch Arnie go sick on Sarah Connors ass (would deffo pay to actually see that) alas she says no and sends me to bed but promises she will tape it.

I wake up the next day the anticipation of watching the end of terminator is killing me.

I put the tape in I watch it. It's epic. Eyeball removed using a scalpel, bombs made using what looks like plasticine, the works I am fucking loving it.

I turn 18 many years later, I get around to watching terminator 2 judgement day (probably the best sequel ever made apart from aliens) I am struggling with the film cos I don't know who this long haired squeaky voiced cunt called John Connor is supposed to be. I realise eventually he's the dykes son, Kyles son.....,

I decide many years later I want to watch terminator and it gets to the scene in the motel......the scene my mum used THE FUCKING VHS TO PAUSE IT THROUGH THE SEX SCENE I thought that John Connor was like the messiah (a very naughty boy) a virgin conception. Argued for fucking years that that's what the whole film is about only to ring out later that Sarah Connor fucked a tramp that got sent back in time with no fucking weapons cos apparently you can't send metal back.......but you can send a whole fucking metal machine back.

My mum is a spaz.

You are a spaz.

Tl:dr - I thought John Connor was Jesus.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 23:53, 9 replies)

I went for a job interview
I was sitting with all the other blokes waiting outside the office and I can just make out the interviewer talking to the first candidate, 'So, you think you would fit in with our organization?.. Is the salary inline with your expectations?.. Can you start next Monday?.. Welcome aboard.'

We all knew there was only one position.

I went in next and made up a bunch of really relevant experience, just to ruin this prick's day.

'Why didn't you put these on the application?' he asked, with a note of regret.

'I thought it would better to discuss it in person,' said I.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 18:01, Reply)

Spoiler for future unwritten James Bond movie!
Bond is tasked to apprehend a criminal mastermind; his investigation will take him through several exotic locations and he'll have sexual intercourse with one or more females along the way. After killing several henchmen he will find the villain and kill him too, but in a more unusual way. The world will be saved and Bond will not die at any point. You will leave the cinema, telling your friends "That was okay."
( The Silent Channel is getting his recommended 5-a-day, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 12:16, 3 replies)

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 6 Jun 2013, 20:18, 3 replies)

In direct contradiction to The Lone Groover, I have a real problem with spoilers
I hate knowing ANYTHING about a story I'm about to watch / read / whatever. Even a single, insignificant scene will bug me, as at some level I'll be constantly thinking about how the story will reach that scene.

I avoid trailers, jump on the remote before the "Next Week..." teasers, and get vein-throbbingly angry if people let slip anything. It boggles me that the film-makers spend so much time and effort crafting a careful build-up to a Big Reveal, then the studio blows it by putting out a trailer which gives it all away.

So, for example, by avoiding all trailers, I was probably the only person in the cinema for Terminator 2 who *didn't* know that Arnie was the good guy this time around - it was a genuine surprise. I like to think I enjoyed the film so much more than everyone else.

And what about shows which run clips from later in the same program??? I'm already watching it, you don't need to hook me, and in fact you've probably just reduced my reasons for staying with the show, since I now know what's coming.

Conversely, Mrs Moon Monkey wants to know everything - previews, sneak peeks, trailers, the lot. Sometimes I have to leave the room.

I'm quite tooth-grindingly angry now, having thought about spoilers for several minutes. I don't think I'll read this QOTW much this week...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 6 Jun 2013, 16:01, 11 replies)

we all die in the end

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 6 Jun 2013, 13:56, 5 replies)

I saw a car with a massive spoiler on it.
It had 'Bruce Willis is a ghost' across the side of it in big letters.

I'm sorry.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Thu 6 Jun 2013, 13:35, 4 replies)

"I 'spo I leer."
This is a true story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

I used to share a house with a bloke called Gerald.
Gerry was an IT consultant. This was a time when "IT consultant" meant more than just being a computer salesman or helpdesk monkey. He made bigger bucks than most of us in the house (students and till monkeys) and thus *generally* moved in different circles to us. Sometimes those circles intersected.
That's how Gerry met Thalia.

Thalia attended uni with one of us. She was a bit of a knock-around girl, a grownup "tomboy" if you will.
Anything us blokes were up for, Thalia was happy to join in on. Including the more unsavory past-times. To whit - one of my most endearing memories of Thalia was watching her eat sushi off the pudendum of a stripper on a buck's night at a local house of ill repute. Good times.
To say we were incestuous would be like suggesting that you might find Ursine faeces in a woodland habitat. Most of us had known each other thru high-school and then into uni. We all knew who was fucking who, when, where and why.

Anyhoo...
Gerry saw, then met Thalia and was besotted. Thalia had had her fair share of suitors but wasn't really ready to 'settle down'. That said she was a smart girl and could see the writing on the [cubicle] wall - she knew she needed to cool her heels one day and find a man who would be secure and reliable. Gerald managed to fit that bill rather snugly.
Gerry was somewhat of a gentleman - he wanted to "woo" Thalia & make her realise his potential as a mate thru more civilised means rather than 'wham, bang, thank you mam!'.

Then one day Phillip 'arrived' on the scene in our little group. Much like Gerry, Phillip was on a career path rather than drinking and fucking his way to a tertiary education. Philip also knew Thalia outside of uni - apparently they had attended a local Rotary Youth Group together.
Gerry was incredibly jealous of Phillip and his friendship with Thalia and made that very clear with his behavior towards Phil. It seemed to give him the impetus to finally do something substantial about his his feelings towards Thalia.

They went on a number of wonderful, fascinating [expensive] dates which eventually culminated in them finally doing the dirty and dancing the horizontal tango. His happiness was only just eclipsed by our relief as Thalia gave us a 'blow by blow' at breaky the following morning after Gerry had gone to work. As you do. With your mates.

A couple of nights later while we were all at home sinking some piss, smoking some bongs, playing console games, watching the footy and generally hanging shit on each other, Phil sidled up to Gerry and unfortunately knowing Thalia and us better than he did Gerald, uttered the line -
"Just think, Thalia's fucked every bloke in the room now."
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 7:54, 30 replies)

J. G. Ballard spoiler.
The main character and narrator (based upon Ballard himself) stumbles across a new community, usually as a result of some kind of car or plane accident, which is gated in some way. Ballard is initially nervous of the new community but through some act of rebellion against normal society is accepted and, as his confidence grows, he becomes a messianic figure -- in the process he also shags the main female character[s] whilst having homoerotic thoughts about the main male character[s]. After this consummation of his relationship with the community he becomes disillusioned (though, in truth he always felt an outsider even when being near worshipped) and plans an escape. The escape starts in high drama and ends with a feeling the whole thing was a dream/hallucination.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 11 Jun 2013, 11:49, 11 replies)

B3ta ends with...
...a big fight.

Unfortunately all the /qotwers get killed early on in the cross-fire, and the situation gets steadily out of control until the whole world is drawn into the fight. Most corporations side with /links as they greatly appreciate the contribution to their viral marketing efforts, /board gets backing from liberal types who like their slant on the modern capitalist world, but ultimately all underestimated the power of /talk to enlist the gun nuts, Daily Mail readers and the like who ultimately end up triggering the nuclear holocaust.

Rob turns out to be a lizardperson who deliberately provoked this so that the aliens would be able to take over our planet. Which they do. With the assistance of both the cats and dogs, who were also acting to divide the earth into rival factions.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Mon 10 Jun 2013, 18:57, 4 replies)

Iain Banks being dead
:(
(McChinaman banned, Sun 9 Jun 2013, 21:23, 18 replies)

Soylent Green is actually purple, according to this guy I heard yelling it.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sun 9 Jun 2013, 20:18, Reply)

Tv 'next week' rubbesh
I hate when TV shows do the 'what's on next week' bit at the end, I really don't want to know.
So when me and AaRrDdvVaRrKK started watching Arrested Development we would reach for the controller and hit STOP as Ron Howard muttered about what was 'coming up in the next Arrested Development' with smug looks on our faces, being all clever and knowing HA! They won't spoil it for US! What do they think we are? Stupid?
It was only towards the end of the 3rd series that the battery had ran out on the doofer that as the clip from 'next week' played that we realised it wasn't spoilers and we had actually missed 50 episodes worth of extra funny bits, relating to the episode we had just watched.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Sun 9 Jun 2013, 18:09, Reply)

Viewers beware,
the trailer for Fast and Furious 6 contains spoilers.
(Haywood Manley, Sun 9 Jun 2013, 10:16, 5 replies)

Lois Lane in Memory Suck Shocker!
This is more me spoiling a major summer blockbuster for a packed house of cinema-goers.

Years back when I was a wee boy, I was absolutely mental for the Superman movies. The sight of Chris Reeve soaring through the air was spectacular to 9 year old me and with the impending release of Superman 2 on the horizon, I pleaded with my dad to take me to the cinema for the opening night. My whining like a wee bitch worked it's magic and plans were made to go into Glasgow City Centre that weekend to watch it at the old ABC. Result.

During the week when I was in the shop I saw a Superman 2 comic on the shelf, it was basically the movie condensed into a drawn comic-strip and I read it there and then. Now I knew the whole plot and couldn't wait to see it played out on the big screen. I couldn't fucking wait because back then, to me, there was nothing else that mattered as much.

Friday finally drags along and the long walk to town doesn't bother me, the waiting in the queue to get in for 2 hours doesn't either because I'm going to see the movie and life is good. Finally, after what seems like a year we are in! This is it.

Trailers? Fuck sake. Who cares about other movies when you have Superman?

At last the WB symbol dominates the screen and when the theme tune blasts around the theatre I was nearly in tears of joy.

Of course the movie zips by and we are nearly at the ending and there is a certain pivotal plot point where Lois Lane, having known that Clark Kent was Superman for most of the movie, is about to have her recent memory erased by ways of a big smacker from The Man of Steel. The packed hall is hushed and I suddenly think it would be a good idea to show how smart and clever I am thus proving myself to my dad.

"DAD!! THIS IS WHERE SUPERMAN KISSES HER AND SUCKS HER MEMORY AWAY!!"

All eyes on us.

There are mutterings of 'Fuck sake!', loud tuts and folk all looking at my poor dad. We sat for the remainder of the film which must have been the most uncomfortable 20 odd minutes of his life. I, of course, am oblivious to everything.

I got dragged home that night as I received a few super-smacks and learned a whole bunch of new swear words.
(Helmut McBucket invites you to pull his finger on, Thu 6 Jun 2013, 21:05, 2 replies)

French Kiss
This lightweight but enjoyable - there, I said it - Ryan/Kline vehicle came out in the mid nineties and I saw a trailer for it in which the voiceover was largely as in the link but it ended: "there's just one thing he didn't tell her... he isn't French."

Somehow, years later, I ended up watching it at somebody's house and, since it had been chosen in advance by somebody's girlfriend and nobody knew anything about the plot that wasn't on the box, I thought myself very smart for being in the know about such a major plot point. Not being a total penis, I didn't blurt out anything during the film but I did spend a lot of it making mental notes of things I would comment on later. "Yeah," I planned to observe in an urbane fashion. "A real Frenchman wouldn't have stolen a Citroen. It's unpatriotic. Big giveaway." Anyway, the movie wore on, Meg met Kevin, they pratted about through a series of mildly racist escapades, he stole a Citroen and they fell in love, and I began to think, hang on pineapplecharm my old chum, we're an hour into a 90 minute film and the big reveal from the trailer hasn't happened yet. What did they do, give away the big surprise ending in the trailer?! And what a crap ending - surely if he isn't French the audience, at least, should know early on so we can have lots of dramatic tension surrounding Kline's increasing difficulty with keeping his deception quiet! When are we going to see him wincing at the taste of stinky cheese, or refusing a cigarette? When is Ryan's character going to notice that he quite likes her shaved underarms and doesn't chew raw garlic while swilling red wine on long car journeys?

It was probably at the moment when he was showing around the vineyard he inherited that I realised I must have seen an early trailer, one of those mythical things that comes out before a critical test screening where people fill out cards with damning opinions that send a film back into the editing suite for drastic reshaping. I was lied to by a false spoiler! How in God's name was I supposed to look all sophisticated in front of my friends now? I'd sat through a stupid rom com for nothing!

I have never quite forgiven Kevin Kline for not not being French.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Thu 6 Jun 2013, 18:18, Reply)

If you don't want to know the scores, please...

go fuck your own face! Cos you haven't got a cat in hells chance of managing to find the remote, change the channel or make yourself both deaf and blind in the split second before the BBC News bell-end takes an unestimable amount of pleasure in ruining it for you.
(Band of Rain, Thu 6 Jun 2013, 14:35, 9 replies)

Star Wars ...
Like many others, I loved Star Wars when I was a kid. It was the epitome of awesomeness. Massive space ships, laser guns, daring do, telekinesis and a well tough Princess.

My two girls now love the kiddies version Star Wars: the Clone Wars. The squillion dollar an episode kid safe TV series prequel. They're nuts for it. I walked into the lounge room yesterday to find the eldest having a fit on the floor with her little sister standing over her casting lightning from her fingertips. I didn't know whether to call the ambulance or the priest.

"We're playing Siths Mummy!"

The eldest recently came down with the flu. Doctor took a snot swab which came back 'unknown influenza variant'. I was well impressed and bored my suffering child with the petty consolation that scientists were busy at this very minute creating a vaccine for this new strain to be included in the flu shot next year. You're welcome.

She looked alarmed and asked me if flu shots were made from people's boogers. That was a tough one to answer, so I fell back on the oldest parental trick in the book; distraction.

"How about we rent out the first/last/original three Star Wars films on DVD. You haven't seen those yet." Now over the episodes of Clone Wars, I had filled the girls in with a fair bit of the backstory/future events of the Lore of Lucas.

So I curled up on the couch with my poorly firstborn, looking forward to sharing a nostalgic piece of epic childhood fun.

Oh. Dear. God. It was fucking awful. Once the scales of childhood fall from your eyes, the pre-CGI special effects made from models and animatronics look so cheap and tawdry compared to IDL's latest offering.

The lines were shit. Carrie Fisher was stoned. Mark Hamill was a squealy shite and even Harrison Ford in tights failed to impress.

So instead of the magical nerd love moment, we sat there in awkward silence. I asked my daughter afterwards what her favourite part was.

"When Luke got his hand chopped off."
(Que?, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 4:54, 7 replies)

Just growing up spoils things sometimes...
One of mini-mes mates, from a teeny tiny human who could listen to music LOVED Bob Marley.
His parents were the hippy sort and let him listen every chance he could, at home, in the car, wherever the little rugrat wanted to listen or bop along to Bob, he could.
He adored the music, demanded it every day, wanted to be Bob Marley, play music like Bob Marley, he sang all the songs he could JUST LIKE Bob Marley, he even dreamed of Bob.
It was only, one day when he was about 5, his mum heard him weeping upstairs that she ran to him and scooped him in her arms to find out what was wrong…he sobbed about how sad he was, his life was completely over …because he suddenly realised, in his child like innocent way, that he couldn’t ever BE Bob Marley, because it finally dawned on him that he was quite possibly, the whitest boy alive...
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 23:40, 1 reply)

Apparently
entropy will always triumph.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 11 Jun 2013, 19:35, 1 reply)

I remember one time
When our head of department had been to a senior managers' meeting and had learnt something to do with the future of the company. After dropping a load of hints at our team meeting he said, "I've not let the cat out of the bag have I?"

So I said, "Well, not quite, but we can see you've got a bag, and from the looks of it, there's a cat in there trying to get out."
(K.W.A. Knickers With Attitude, Tue 11 Jun 2013, 16:29, 11 replies)

Gandalf
asked my brother while he was reading lord of the rings 'have you got to the bit where gandalf comes back yet'. oops.

'don't gandalf it' has since become the phrase we use when talking about anything with a chance of spoilers.

urban myth/friend of friend/probably already been posted one; 'he did it' in permanent marker on a poster for 'the usual suspects' outside the cinema.
(pastry, Tue 11 Jun 2013, 15:25, 5 replies)

Nelson Mandela dies at the end.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 11 Jun 2013, 10:03, 2 replies)

I went to the theatre, and was having a look at the program before the play started.
It turns out there wasn't any actor hired to play Godot. Well, I wasn't going to waste my time watching that, so I took a shit in the lobby and went home.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 10 Jun 2013, 11:54, 1 reply)

Wedding lists.
Not only do I know exactly what presents we're getting but I also get to see what cheap bastards my friends and family are.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 14:34, 6 replies)

terminator 2 pirate vhs lols
I popped round to visit a mate , back in the days of vhs tapes. He and a bunch of guys were all stoned and watching a knock-off tape of terminator 2. They were all totally caught up in it.
I considered spoiling it for them in some way but I didn't have to because just as it was getting to the point where it seemed like the bad terminator was about to get everybody, the tape ran out and the TV suddenly switched to Lenny Henry trying too hard and failing to be funny. The look of shock and horror on their faces was delightful and I laughed at them for some time...
(teasus likes tea, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 3:43, Reply)