Educated youth
Back in the 90s, walking out of a lecture at uni behind two pwincesses.

Pwincess number 1 "I watched Titanic last night, it was so sad. The boat sank and they all drowned."

Pwincess number 2 "OMG! I'm not watching that then, I hate unhappy endings. Why did they have to make it such a downer?"
(joolsy, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 21:05, 1 reply)

wonder what shes up to now
uni, first year, few of us in a pub talking about our home towns

with quite some pride she pipes up with "on a clear day I can actually see the eiffel tower from my house"

she lived in lancashire, just south of blackpool

the fact that i'd grown up in dover and was pretty sure that the eiffel tower can't be seen from there, didn't seem to sway her opinion
(iggypoop, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 20:45, 1 reply)

My own ignorance
After watching an open university ad on telly where a woman had the caption of "Doctor in Law" under her.
I turned to my wife and said "Doctor-in-law. I don't get it. Does that mean her hubby is a doctor so she's his doctor-in-law, y'know like a mother-in-law?"
My wife still laughs at this years later.

ps I suggested this a qotw months ago.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 20:26, Reply)

Leaving a Michigan restaurant, one sunny late October afternoon
an elderly couple, admiring the weather.
Him: "Thank god for this global warming"

Me: "....."
( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 20:08, Reply)

One liners I've heard from various people...
"Denmark is the capital of Germany."
"Are albinos black people gone wrong?"
"The Japanese are hi-teh because they have a hive mind."
"hot water freezes faster than cold water"
"Yeah, dunno where who robbed my car, probably some Iraqis from Greece or summat!"
"Don't buy anything from nestle; they kill babies in Africa"
(DaftenDirekt, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 19:49, 10 replies)

Pakistan.
There are two types of workplaces.

Workplaces where you start and are thrown into the deep end before you have even taken your coat off and workplaces where you seem to be on a never ending cycle of training programmes and workshops and other such bullshit. My work place is the second kind and due to my wonderful promotion from junior understudy window-licking dogsbody, to full trainee window-licker. I have had the great pleasure of working closely with Lisa for the last 6 weeks. Lisa is one of several dedicated training officers at my place of work, despite being just 21, barely literate and so shockingly woeful at life. She is charged with teaching all junior staff all aspects of their job.

Now to her credit she knows the ins and outs of every company process and knows the the answer to every FAQ any trainee can have about any aspect of the job. But this is because she has been there since she was about 12 when they kicked her out of school for bringing down the grade averages. This means she is fine for explaining the theory of things, but as soon as real life becomes involved she is useless.

Over the last few weeks she has.

Suggested a company we work with could be sued for passing on a client to us who they had listed as Nigerian when they were infact British.

Warned me against calling Slovakian people Slovakian, as they are Slovaks and they may be offended by this. Though she did stop shot of saying I will be sued.

Shown me countless slides, PowerPoint and handouts littered with the most basic and glaring spelling errors.

And of course my favourite. Forcefully insisting that Pakistan is not a country, just part of India.

Normally I would try to make anyone who said something so stupid feel like the mental midget they are. I would love to say 'Oh, so what damages could one expect to get when being called the wrong nationality?' However the only thing greater than this woman's ignorance is her arrogance and she really does not take kindly to being corrected, as it exposes her complete retardation to anything not found in a company handbook. Instead I have to sit back and think how fun it would be to wrap her in an Indian flag and send her on a moral building mission to the Pakistani side of Kashmir.
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 19:48, 5 replies)

My dad used to run a pub...
Stories of colossal ignorance abound, but this one sticks in my mind:

Mark, one of the regulars was chatting to my dad, and asked him for some advice. He'd just started going out with a black girl, and the relationship was moving towards the point where they wanted to spend some time alone in private.

"The trouble is" he told my dad "My dad will go MAD if I take a black girl home, he's funny like that" (Mark and his dad, as you may realise, were white)

"Well go to her house then" suggested my dad.

Mark spluttered over his pint and exclaimed "I can't do that, coon's houses stink!!"

Classy...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 19:33, 3 replies)

lost in translation
my other half and I used to work for a translation agency which was a sort of forgotten-about backwater office belonging to a well-known multinational corporation (the big red X company)

she heard this exchange one day between two senior managers (the thick one having worked in the translation industry for some years)

"Can we get this translated into Mumbai?"
"Into what? Mumbai?"
"Yes - do we know anyone who speaks it?"
"Umm - Mumbai isn't a language - it's a city in India"
"Oh...well - can we get it translated into Indian?"
"..."

the manager in question has since been promoted at least twice
( Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 19:24, 1 reply)

I was in Ghana,
sitting in front of my host's TV one evening, watching Peter Jackson's rather shit remake of King Kong with about 10 other members of his family (kids, cousins, grandparents, you get the picture) on NTV, an illegal TV channel that continuously showed Hollywood blockbusters with "For Reviewing purposes only" messages appearing every 20 minutes or so at the bottom. It was only ever on intermittently as they apparently played a constant game of cat and mouse with the police!

The young kids especially were actually severely disturbed by it because Nollywood's CGI isn't quite up to Hollywood level, but that's not really why I'm writing this.

John, my host's 25 year old brother, eventually turns to me during the dinosaur chase scene:

"Hey Mo..." imagine a rather sheepish-looking skinny Ghanaian pointing at the antics on screen. "Is it true?"



I hasten to add that my time there was the best of my life, and that this guy really wasn't stupid. He just genuinely didn't know.
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 19:14, 1 reply)

slang
One time on the phone to a friend down south I asked her what she had been up to she said 'Oh not much, just having jam on the lawn'... turns out she's heard some one using the slang 'jamming at yard' and knew it meant being at home not doing much...

Same friend, dear of her, was at work when her bored boss asked her to go to the D.I.Y. store across the road to get a new bubble for his spirit level.
I didnt think anyone would fall for this but there we go...
(Emily Salvage, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 19:00, 1 reply)

a cousin of mine
was taking me for a ride in her car, having just passed her driving test. driving along, we were discussing how annoying the traffic lights had been so far(we'd hit red lights all the way). "box junctions aren't so bad," she says, "at least you can stop in a box junction."
eh?
this is the same person who has had me gripping the dashboard in terror, as she barrels down the motorway at 75mph, one hand on the wheel, her head and her other hand in the glove compartment, looking for her favourite c.d.
we're going to the lake district tomorrow. if i don't post any more, you'll know why.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 18:42, 8 replies)

Logo confusion
Was asked the other day how long Audi have sponsered the Olympics for...
(Emily Salvage, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 18:31, 1 reply)

I'm told that I write pretty well,
but, tragically, I don't know whether it's true or not, because I never learned to read.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 18:22, Reply)

Wizard of geography
I was working in the International Dept - we handled all the business outside of the US. Accounting lady comes down the hall and hands me an overdue invoice. It's from a company in New Mexico. I pointed this out. She says, "Well, New Mexico is a foreign country, isn't it?" Stunned, I just nodded politely and told her we'd take care of it...
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 18:09, 1 reply)

Yanking my chain
Even after all these years, I am still aghast at the question I was asked by an earnest Minnesotan lady contemplating her first trip to London: she wanted to know whether we had flushing toilets in England. I considered several promising lines of sarcasm before realising that this could easily get out of hand (and I had to bear in mind that she was a friend of my mother's....not exactly politic) so I simply pointed out that yes, we'd had them for longer than the United States had been in existence.
(Leda74, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 17:42, 2 replies)

Why is it so hard to win playing slot machines in a casino?
Is it hard to win because the odds are stacked against you? Surprisingly, the answer is no, according to a friend. The odds of becoming a millionaire are actually in your favor, but there are hidden mysteries about the game you may not appreciate.

For every slot machine on the casino floor, there is a doppelganger slot machine hidden above in the ceiling, connected to your machine and manned by a casino employee, whose minimum-wage job depends on fighting every one of your ninja spins. It's hard to beat that kind of system!

I like this explanation because it makes it appear like every casino operates like something out of Terry Gilliam's "Brazil".
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 17:35, 2 replies)

i surrond myself with morons
Im a solicitor. You would think the people i work with have some sense.

Friend (who is actually qualified to practice - christ save us)is applying for jobs. sees a job and wants me to check her application letter.

"blah blah blah...I have friends in both Oxford and Cambridge and like both cities..blah blah"

me "whats this got to do with the job?"
her "its where the firm is...Oxbridge...its the name given to OXford and Cambridge"
me "no, its Uxbridge"
her "no, when Oxford and Cambridge are talked of together its Oxbridge"
Christ, I should have just let her leave
(sarcasminasuit, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 17:35, 1 reply)

Whilst at college
A woman I somewhat knew was telling me why she returned to college after her divorce. Apparently two women at the box factory (yes, seriously) where she worked were trying to figure out whether the world was more than 100 years old.

If I recall right, they figured it out by one recalling something her grandmother said about having her own grandmother.

The woman I somewhat knew told me that she knew she had to get out of there and fast, and college seemed the most likely way.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 17:25, 3 replies)

How to improve a joke.
I've been in the working world for about 10 years now, but only one person stands out as being, as I politely put it, too fucking stupid to live. Her name was Kirsty, and she looked like the long-lost daughter of Madmadame Mimm from Sword in the Stone. Oh, and she was quite portly to boot. Usually, she kept her gob shut. That was fine by me, as she was also lazy, histrionic and generally shit at her job. It's fair to say that the hand of cards life dealt her were probably not the best. So there you have the description of this singularly unfortunate individual. And I had to sit next to her. A worse version of my own personal hell to this day eludes me.

And so, to alleviate the sheer mind-numbing boredom and idiocy, and maybe try and make her feel better and give her a laugh, I tried the oldest joke in the book on her. The old "Y'hear about that actress who was stabbed? What was her name, that one who was in Legally Blonde- Reese..." and hope that she would respond "Witherspoon". Which she duly did. However, it wasn't to end there. Just as I was about to deliver the punchline, it started. "Really? REALLY? Reese Witherspoon was stabbed? Oh my God, the poor woman!"

There was nothing for it. The whole office, until now absorbed in their own work, were all trying to suppress giggles. Tears were streaming down my face. It couldn't get any worse. And then suddenly, it did. "It's not funny to laugh at people who've been stabbed!" Well that was it for me, I lost it. Totally lost it. Never had such a good belly laugh in my life, actually. Poor, poor Kirsty. She didn't know what was going on. Until she was disabused of her notion by the one member of the office who was able to talk between giggles, guffaws and grinning. Which would have been fine, but it took us 10 minutes to actually return Kirsty to the planes of reality. Poor girl. Poor, poor girl.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 17:22, 21 replies)

The newsroom idiot
She was one of those people that appear in every workplace/classroom/family/group of people. She took a pride in her ignorance and fought people on it, no matter how much she was proven wrong.

Scheffie (named for a schefflera plant by her mother, who received one right after giving birth and thought the name was pretty, so while under the influence of meds, she presciently named her only child after vegetable life) made herself a lightning rod for ridicule. It seemed sometimes that she spouted off simply because she wanted attention.

But she topped herself with an obviously serious question one day. Coming into the newsroom and sitting down to type a story, she suddenly looked up and asked of no-one in particular:

"Did the Germans fight in World War II"?

The gaping silence in the newsroom was finally broken by her asking, "well"? and the editor starting a beratement with, "Are you kidding me"?

Apparently, her newssource was a storyteller (liar), so she didn't believe him. As she fought as to why this wasn't a stupid question, the editor continued berating her, asking her if she paid attention in history in high school. Her excuse was that her father was into history, and she didn't like him, so she avoided it. So he asked if she paid attention during movies or television shows. He'd often berated her in biting sentences, but this time he couldn't just shake his head sadly and go on. He had to really tear into her.

Finally, she sulked into silence and got to work on the article, and I hoped that was the end of it.

No, she decided to come into work the next day, Sunday, when it was her day off. I was the only person in the newsroom who'd also been there Saturday, thus I was the only one who knew about the incident. Well, I was until she decided to share it with everyone to show how horribly she'd been treated.

She carried on and on about it to the whole newsroom, which was pretty much ignoring her. That bothered her more. So she got louder about it.

It finally came to an end when I decided to stop the misery and took a encyclopedia (pre-'net days) off the reference shefl, open to World War II and slam the open article on her desk.

Yes, this was a woman charged with making the public informed.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 17:15, 2 replies)

You know that some people believe...
...that the world is billions of years old, we are just one of many galaxy's floating in a seemingly infinite saddle shaped universe, and that time is actually relevant to gravitational fields. They also believe that there are these mythical beasts called 'dinosaurs' that roamed the earth. They base this all on silly things like facts and scientific proof, really.... beggars belief....

We all know that the earth was created in 7 days by bearded guy in hat 15,000 years ago. And that his son, another beardy git, was nailed to some 2' x 4' to save us all from a life of sin.
(Carpet Scoot writing you from the god fearing US state of NC, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 17:14, 11 replies)

Bathory's post about cat-nose velvet reminds me...
...that I once persuaded one of my younger brothers that his favourite cereal at the time, cornflakes, were created from his favourite animal at the time, elephants. All ground up and shredded and toasted. Genuine tears resulted. Granted, he was 7 or 8 at the time, so it doesn't really count as 'staggering ignorance on his part' so much as 'elder brother dickery', but it was still funny dammit. Especially since he still doesn't eat cornflakes at the age of twenty-something. Anyway the name has the word corn in it, so there. He should have worked it out.
Unfortunately, latter day stories of his ignorance are thin on the ground, all three of my parents' foul spawn having grown up to be intelligent, witty and well-adjusted.
For certain values of the terms 'intelligent', 'witty', and 'well-adjusted'.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 17:05, Reply)

Popped into my local for a pint. Bought said pint with a £20 note from the barmaid I'd never seen before and received... £2.70 in change.
"Sorry, but you haven't given me enough change."
"It says £2.70 on the till."
"That's how much it COST."
"It says £2.70 on the till."
Nice Mr Landlord hustles over to sort it out - his face indicates this is not her first mathematical screw up today - I get my change. As I wander away to drink my pint I hear:
"Enough's enough love, I'll pay you for 2 hours but you're out. I thought you were at Uni - how did you even get there?!"
"I take the bus mostly."
(scunnydelight, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 16:58, 1 reply)

First year uni
Lecture on the Communist Manifesto.

Girl in my halls refused to go. After all, why should she have to learn about two guys who put a massive wall round half of Europe?

Not who were to blame for it. Who actually did it.

This was Oxbridge.
(bolshevette, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 16:50, 7 replies)

My much-mentioned Mum
Alliterative titles aside, Mum for her sins, is a nurse. And a nurse with a mouth that occasionally gets her into trouble. Usually she can get away with it. This time, not so much. There was a certain politician who was staying on her ward. A rather prominent politician, in fact. Who told Mum he was having trouble looking for the call button. Mum's response of "What are you- blind?" didn't have the usual response she usually gets. When the politician simply said "Yes", Mum suddenly realised who she'd verbally bitch-slapped.

David Blunkett.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 16:39, Reply)

Riding my bike at night...
I noticed my front light was a little off.
Looking down to adjust it, I rode into a blind man crossing the road.
Boy, did his guide dog look silly.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 16:32, Reply)

I really want to contribute to this
But I'm not sure I understand the question.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Wedding fun.
I used to work for a caterer while in high school. At one point in every wedding, the wait staff would leave the kitchen and line up by the kitchen doors so as to give the chefs room to set their gig up.

So there stand about four each of waitresses, coffee girls and busboys, along the wall and at attention as the wedding party entered. The bride was stunning, not just because she was a bride. She was fucking hot, and we noticed. And some commented.

And one busboy said out loud, but not loud enough for anyone but the staffline to hear, "I bet she gets laid tonight."

And the whole line turned towards him and gave him the look that one gives when dealing with the mentally underprivleged suddenly having an insight into the obvious.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Ahhhh, my girlfriend
She's not stupid, but every now and then will come out with the odd statement. She blames it on being Kenyan, and completely unaware of us Western savages, I'm not convinced.

We were on the tube, "Look, Baker Street, that's where Sherlock Holmes lived" she says. "Yep, 221b" says I, "There's a statue of him somewhere there too". "You think he was really that good a detective?" she asks me. "Err, He wasn't real you know", I say, realising I've just crushed something she held most dear. "Oh".

Somewhere in Stratford, "They've gone to a lot of trouble for this Shakespeare, he isn't even real" she says. "He is you know", I tell her. Later that evening she phoned her dad and told him too, "Yeah dad, Shakespeare was real".

By the time Robin Hood came round I was seriously considering letting her keep thinking he was real, but I conceeded and told her about him too.

I'm trying to anticipate which real person vs. fictional character will come next.
(ShiftyBastard won the World Cup on World Soccer Champs 2010!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 16:16, 1 reply)