Suprise reaction!
I have 2 sons, when the youngest was a baby, I thought I would play a trick on his brother.

Getting a clean nappy, and putting some (if memory serves me correctly) nuttella into it, I walked into the front room asking my wife (who was in on it) what she had given the baby for lunch. She said I do not remember, work it out for yourself....

So sticking a finger into the nappy and having a taste, I was about to declare the result when my older son retched and puked so violently it now reminds me of the WI woman on Little Britain.... it was loud and continuous.

The 'suprise' was on us, we were expecting an 'ew dad, that was gross', not something resembling the Exorcist! We were genuinely worried that he would turn himself inside out!

tl;dr Young children can be incredibly sick when you pretend to eat baby shit!
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Sat 6 Apr 2013, 9:03, 3 replies)

Gaylene Krumins
Known as "Bent Fabric" in memory of a one-hit wonder pianist of the sixties was generally regarded as a nice girl but slightly dim. She was given to a tad too much make-up, hanging out with the junior chamber of commerce crowd, tootling around town in an iridescent purple Austin-Healey with chrome wheels and practical jokes.

She painted the inside of her toilet a very, very pale blue. The surprise came when you switched the light on. 200 watts.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Sat 6 Apr 2013, 5:39, 2 replies)

What were you hoping for?
Was at parents' house over holidays, a non-smoking environment. Couldn't sleep, so stepped out for a smoke on the back porch about one o'clock in the morning. Got a bit chilly so I decided to stand in the doorway to finish the butt.

Kids use the backyard as a shortcut and I see a couple guys walking into the yard as I stomp my ciggy just outside the door. They veer toward the back of the house, slow down, then sneak up on the porch. One walks up to the door - I recognize him as one of the neighbors from around the corner, about 14 years old maybe. As he reaches for the door - now just ajar - I flick on the porch light, open the door wide and yell in what I thought sounded like a combination of Salvador Dali and James Earl Jones, "What were you hoping for?!"

The next thing I saw was the kid jumping off the porch to my left while his buddy all but fell over the railing behind him. The only things missing from that home-breaking were cartoon noises for the would-be bandits' escape.
(curlyfries eats curly fries, Sat 6 Apr 2013, 2:06, Reply)

Hairy Tits!
A few years ago, I was with a new gf and we'd got naked together for the first time. It was cold, so we were making each others acquaintance under a lot of blankets. It was very dark under the blankets.
I put my mouth to her nipple and found that it was spectacularly hairy. Not just a few unkempt straggly hairs, although that would have been unpleasant enough, but really bushy. And kind of greasy, too.
I may have paused, just momentarily, but I managed to contain my surprise and carry on. Thoughts flashed through my traumatised mind, along the lines of 'I hope I don't puke. I don't want to upset her, it's not her fault. She has trusted me with the knowledge of this hideous burden, what kind of bastard would I be to reject her now?'.
I moved my head a little and all the nipple hair slid out of my mouth as though it had come to life.
That's when I realised that I'd been sensuously nibbling her nipple while using the end of one of my stinking dreadlocks as some kind of improvised protective barrier.
Of course, this all happened years ago when fucklocks were totally cool.
Length? Well I only had a few at the back of my head, but they were well over a foot long!
( 4Q just lurking, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 23:25, 6 replies)

My (now ex) girlfriend was surprised when she came back to her flat
to find me lying out of my arse...no, sorry, the other one: fucking a Norwegian fisherman up the arse, over her sofa.

Chinny fucking reck-on, as we used to say.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 17:00, 12 replies)

A bit of a dull one.
I was just driving home from work, just now, and I went through the drive-through at MacDonalds for a junk food fix. As I was waiting for the stupid MILF in front of me, driving a large 4WD, to finish complaining loudly to the till monkey at the window about the quality of the deep fried apple pies, an old memory resurfaced.

Not really a "surprise" story as such, but still, something a bit poignant.

My last share house (again, many years ago) was rather crowded. About 7 of us lived in a 4 bedroom house, next to a busy road. One of the girls was a bit of a party chick, a bit rough around the edges despite coming from a "new money" family and having a very expensive education. Foulest mouth I've ever heard, lots of random sexual partners and completely selfish. Apart from that, she wasn't bad company, despite the faint whiff of stale semen and cigarette breath.

Anyway, one Saturday night, she's all dolled up to go to a posh 21st party. Some bloke called Andrew. As she told us many times while troweling on makeup, it was a select affair, rich family, invite only, only old private school chums allowed. She catches a taxi, all excited with the prospect of rubbing shoulders, and other bits, with some of Brisbane's most eligible batchelors.

Within a couple of hours, she's returned home, in a rather subdued mood.

We are all sitting on the sofa / floor / spare milk crate watching telly, a little surprised to see her return so soon.

My housemate Jeremy asks her "so, was it a good party Fi? You're home early...alone...sober...everything alright?"

Fi looked a bit distant, a bit shell-shocked. "Not really, everyone pretty much left straight after Andrew got completely blind, and thought it would be a hilarious party trick to jerk off the family dog".




Fucking Classic. Still makes me laugh.
( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 16:41, 6 replies)

The noisy ghost.(roasted pea)

Two of my flatmates were playing a bit of Final fantasy on the PS2 when the first heard it.

Footsteps, loud ones. Someone was clomping around the house, when there was no one else in. They went out into the hall, only to have them stop.

Resuming gaming, they heard them again like someone was climbing the stairs.

a check of the house was done and it was assumed it was the neighbors. "stop that bloody noise" one shouted. Only for the footsteps to get louder and by the sounds of it closer to their room. Only to stop suddenly when they reached the door.

Convinced the house was haunted they were now visibly shaking. Given that the house was over 100 years old this was a real possibility to them.

Finally they opened the cupboard under the stairs while the footsteps got louder. They inched forward into the darkness and approached the hole in the floor that gave access to the drafty and low ceilinged basement.

"is...is anyone there??" said flatmate D poking his head tentatively through the hole peering into the darkness.

YEAAHHHHHGH DIE MOTHERFUCKERS I screamed as I leapt out of the hole brandishing the pool cue I had been using to knock on the underside of the floorboards.


length?
fear shriveled I assume, but a little bit of wee came out.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 15:43, 7 replies)

Simple and no fuss
One that had some great success back when I lived with my parents was to sit outside the bathroom when the landing light was off, and just wait for my father to have his piss then go to bed.

After leaving the bathroom, he would turn off the bathroom light then out of the silent darkness would come a quiet "boo".

Surprisingly effective.
( clockworkrat has nice pants, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 15:40, Reply)

*Something about the Sept 11th 2001 New York World Trade Center attacks*

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:53, 5 replies)

Surprisingly good effort on their part
It's been years since I worked in a supermarket but this still stands out. I hated working on checkouts but even a decade on it still gives me good QOTW answers. case in point...

Being the only supermarket in a five mile radius that didn't use electronic tagging of any kind, meant that the local lumpen-proletariat were drawn to us like the forces of darkness are drawn to Mordor. Barely a shift went by without some gimlet eyed scrote fleeing the premises with an armful of loot.

This didn't surprise me as we had what I assumed was the most ineffectual security team in the world. Two security guards who I'll name as Skinny Lazy guy and Fat Lazy guy. FLG spent most of his shift drooling over the customers cake laden shopping. what marked him out as the most dedicated of salad dodgers, aside from his girth, was his refusal to walk. Preferring to do his rounds ( a 50m round trip) in one of the electric shopmobility carts we provided for the infirm. SLG, despite weighing 9st wringing wet didn't move at all, preferring to remain motionless behind the lottery kiosk.

So it came as quite a shock when a young hoodie came running towards the main exit clutching an illicit bottle of vodka that SLG sprang into action. Having never seen SLG move more than his eyebrows before we soon found out that that he had a swift turn of pace. Cutting off the shoplifter, and running rings around him forcing him away from the entrance and down past the tills. SLG stops chasing at this point and just watches as this guy runs towards the other exit, thinking he is home free. only he has to get past FLG first. FLG looked like he wasn't even aware of what was happening, just sitting on his little cart and watching the jaffa cakes go by. Shoplifter is barrelling towards the doors, prize in hands when,

THAR SHE BLOWS, THE GREAT BEAST AWAKENS

in the blink of an eye FLG is not only out of his cart but sitting on top of the young miscreant. 50lbs of hired muscle, and I assume an additional 200lbs of hired flab is now sitting crossleged like an Indian chief on the shoplifter. The legs jutting out from the great buttocks of justice begin to kick and scream but he shall not pass. The kicks turn to twitches then stillness, the screams turn to pleas then silence, and so they remained locked in place until the police arrived.

two PCs show up after around 15mins, and FLG gets back on his cart. The coppers don't even needs handcuffs as the shoplifter goes quietly complete with 1000 yard stare.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:48, 6 replies)

David Icke was right
One Sunday, after a heavy Saturday night, I decided that a long soak in the bath was about all I could cope with. Gratefully I lowered myself into the water and let the steam add to my already foggy vision.

My knees were two islands poking above the surface. Gradually I became aware that they looked somehow different. Struggling to focus, I was slightly disturbed to see strange scale-like patches on them. Lifting my legs out of the water, my panic rising, I saw that the scales extended over my legs. And my arms. And in fact my entire body.

Overnight, I seemed to have spontaneously turned into a lizard.

A hurried trip to the doctor was naturally organised. After consulting various books, and conferring with equally puzzled colleagues, they decided that it was a form of guttate psoriasis. Thankfully this meant that it was harmless, but it did take several months to fade away. Luckily my girlfriend at the time was a nurse, so not fazed by strange body issues, nor by having to empty the bed of a snowdrift of scales each morning.

But it was certainly a surprise, and a great way to sober up quickly...

</pea>
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:31, Reply)

I was fucking this Norwegian guy up the arse...
...in Sainsburys, over the prostrate form of my (now) ex girlfriend while we were shopping for haddock. We were both dressed as iron-age priests at the time, I remember.

Anyway, the store manager comes running up and says to me: "SIR, PRISE yourself off that man, and get out of this shop ... now!"

My ex wakes up and says, "But...these aren't the druids you are looking for!"
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 13:54, 10 replies)

Surprise Peas.
Many year ago, when I first moved out of home and was living in a lovely debauched semi-derelict share house with 4 other like-minded motor bike riding blokes, I was cooking dinner in the squalid room that passed as a "kitchen".

It was a Friday night. I was slowly moving away from the home-based rent-free lifestyle of going out the pubs and clubs and pissing my money up against the wall to the rent-reality lifestyle of staying indoors and gettng trashed in front of a nice warm fire with some mates.

We even had a video player! So, we wern't at the mercy of the 2 telly channels available in Tasmania which switched off at midnight. As I recall, we had rented Arnie's "Commando" video for the billionth time.

So, there we were in the wee hours, Enormous Bruce had smoked his usual friday night ration of dope, I had downed many,many beers as dope used to make me do something called a "white out". Beer was my thing. Enormous Bruce was a chronic pot head.

We were both stumbling around the kitchen, clumsily rustling up some sausages and gravy with mash, crashing into each other, swearing at the stove and generally taking 5 times as long to produce a simple meal. But...we needed green vegetables too, 'cos, as we reasoned at the time, green vegetables ward off all kinds of ills, like lung cancer, and cirrhosis of the liver.

Enormous Bruce gazed into the threadbare larder, brushed aside the mouse poo, reached in and prodcued a packet of something called "Surprise Peas".

Oh cool, peas. I like peas and mash. And gravy with sausages. But what are these things? These were weird peas, like little freeze-dried iguana testicles, not nice juicy fresh peas.

"No, cunt", says Bruce. "Ya gotta boil the buggery out of these little cunts".

"Oh, righto cunt" I says. "Better fucken read the packet hadn't I".

I held the packet in both hands, held it close to my face and read the instructions, gently swaying to the movement of the kitchen, lips silently moving. "Boil in water, cunt" it said.

Yeah ok, sounds easy enough.

So I get a saucepan of water up to the boil, and I'm about to rip open the pack when Enormous Bruce shouts "STOP, CUNT, STOP".

"Whassa matter cunt?" I drool, packet of peas poised over the stove.

"Fuck man, these are Surprise Peas, you gotta do it right".

"Wha? Yeah ok cunt, you do it then"

Enormous Bruces lurches towards me, grabs the packet out of my hands, produces a razer sharp knife from his within his bike boot and surprisingy carefully, considering his state of body and mind, gently slits open the packet across the top.

I lean closer to watch, frowning, slightly puzzled with this delicate operation.

Enormous Bruce slowly turns to look me directly in the eye, his countenance is deapan, calm. He slowly return his gaze to the packet, peers inside, narrows his eyes into a mask of hate and whispers in a low evil voice "surprise, peas", then tips the lot into the boiling water, cackling madly.



I don't think I have ever laughed so hard for so long at something so fucking stupid. I almost wet myself. We recovered sufficiently to pick ourselves up off the floor and enjoy a slightly burnt late night dinner, accompanied by a badly blurred version of one of Arnie's most wooden performances.

Sadly, I vomited most of it out the upstairs window sometime later, including the peas.


( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 13:17, 13 replies)

An' when you were born, we said "Great Heavens! A boy without a winkie! 'Tis a miracle!"

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 11:50, 8 replies)

The chicken dance
Some years ago, I met a Californian girl who was travelling the world. She had met a friend of mine overseas, and he'd invited her to stay with him in the UK for a while, a few weeks later. She turned out to be a good laugh, and I was sad when she had to head back to the States.

A day or two before she left, however, out of the blue I was offered work in San Francisco. Which, as it turned out, was the same area she was from. And so a plan was hatched: once there I found out where she lived, and set off to surprise her. After convincing her house-mate that I wasn't a mad axe-wielding stalker - I think the British accent helped there - I discovered that she was in a local bar with a group of friends. So I went there, walked up behind her, swung into her eye-line and said a cheery "Hello!"

Now consider this from her point of view. She's back home, and her travels are probably already seeming rather dream-like and unreal. She'd met lots of people, but probably never expected to see any of them ever again. Seeing me in her local, just a few days after leaving me 9000 km behind, must have been a cognitive dissonance of the highest order.

She boggled in a most satisfactory way. In fact she started to run around in circles, flapping her arms like a demented chicken and screaming "Oh my god!!". Then she spent the next half hour alternately giggling and punching me for freaking her out.

We're still friends. Even though she says I sound like Jamie Oliver.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 11:12, 5 replies)

Back in my commuting days...
...I got on the train home (the 17:04 Silverlink from Euston to Birmingham, fact fans), got a seat, got a book out and fell asleep shortly afterwards.

So far so normal. Somewhat less usually though, when I woke up Otis Lee Crenshaw was sitting opposite me. Well, obviously it was Rich Hall, but he was dressed as OLC.

Silverlink trains being what they are, we slowly made our way towards the next stop, pausing occasionally for no apparent reason. After one particularly lengthy stop, Mr Hall caught my eye and asked "Are they always this slow?". I explained that they were indeed, and we chatted for a while. Turns out he was on his way to a gig in Birmingham and got the train as it was cheaper than driving. I suspect the British public transport system made its way into his act that night... I hope that I didn't though :)

tl;dr - I met Rich Hall. And if you liked that, wait until I tell you about the surprise I got when Dale Winton flirted with me!!*


*yes, really O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 10:19, 13 replies)

Imagine my astonishment when I was told that you're not allowed to post an image on /offtopic despite the board's code allowing you to do so.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 10:11, 27 replies)

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 9:33, 9 replies)

BOO!
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 9:28, Reply)

BBQ Bruce
A colleague told me that he’d once gone to a neighbour’s house for a BBQ.

When excusing himself to go to the toilet, his neighbour said “The bathroom door sticks, you’ve have to push it a little.”.
Sure enough, the door resisted, so in his words “I gave it a bit of a shove with my shoulder.”.

One broken lock and a rather surprised neighbour’s wife seated on the throne ensured he didn’t get invited back again.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 7:27, 2 replies)

Star Wars

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 7:13, 1 reply)

The gay shift has started!
SUPPLIES!
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 4 Apr 2013, 23:28, 4 replies)

My wife
is sleeping .. her head is on my shoulder ...

after I click "post this message" I'm going to scream "Our babies* are burning!!"

*we have none
(Biff..., Thu 4 Apr 2013, 22:38, 6 replies)

Used to work in a large Post Office sorting office. There was a post box built into an exterior wall, which was supposed to be emptied for the last time at about 9pm. - very handy for those 'The cheque's in the post!' situations.
During night duties we would watch this box and collect any mail that that fell into it so as to speed it on its way, at any hour.

How public-spirited, I hear you say! But this kindly act was not without a price. If the sharp-eyed postie spotted a punter standing beside the box in the gloom, fumbling with their letter, they'd dive over and grab it out of their hand, sometimes with a sinister cackle.

The poor letter-poster would leap back, usually with a loud swear or two, and the postie would punch the air in silent triumph. Gotcha!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 4 Apr 2013, 21:37, Reply)

Surprise!
You're dead!
(McChinaman banned, Thu 4 Apr 2013, 20:16, 4 replies)

Transparent Hedges
In 2006, I hired a workman whose ultimate ambition was to become a maker of back yard fountains. He talked me into allowing him to make his first fountain in my back yard.

When he finished, he realized there was a problem. The hedges bounding the yard made it hard for passersby (and potential customers) to see his fountain. Marketing is everything after all! So, without informing me first, he cut off all the foliage below eye-level, all around the yard, so everyone (including casual thieves looking for loose tools) could gaze with wonderment into the yard.

The workman figured the foliage would soon grow back. The trouble, of course, is that hedges will sprout new foliage only at the top and sides, and rarely at the bottom, so the gaping wounds were permanent.

Since 2006, new, weedy plants have sprung from the ground below the hedges, and slowly filled in the holes. For the purpose of privacy it took about four years to stop feeling so exposed.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 4 Apr 2013, 20:04, 4 replies)

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 4 Apr 2013, 19:14, 5 replies)

I was at university
and had a friend who was put in charge of the post. This meant that she had to stand in on office and sort letters into boxes. Said boxes were, as usual, in a wall of pigeonholes.

I borrowed a key from another friend, unlocked her letter box, then opened mine. When Elaine got in the right position I roared through one box while reaching through the other to grab at her shirt tail.

It was about a month before she forgave me.
( Wanderer, Thu 4 Apr 2013, 19:12, 2 replies)

Hallowe'en (slight repost)
I used to open the door to trick or treaters with this playing while wearing this costume. I actually made a child piss himself one year.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 4 Apr 2013, 18:56, 9 replies)