Dad
as a cancer patient in a hospital in Holland writing on his colostomy bags "don't take the piss, take the shit instead".

Not sure if this qualifies as tasteless or tactless, but I'm pretty certain half the ward did not see the funny side.
( sutit only the crumbliest, flakiest posts, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 2:03, 1 reply)

Walking into
the bagel shop at the top of brick lane and asking, "do you do any ham ones?" As a regular customer it was not my finest moment.
( sutit only the crumbliest, flakiest posts, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 1:59, 4 replies)

I think it was about 2 years ago...
Me and a few friends went round to this girl's house. I wouldn't say she was a friend (she was a shit-stirring harpy), but I digress.

There was an advert or something on telly, one of these daft cans of spray paint that's meant to regrow hair, you know the sort.
I semi-drunkedly utter "Wouldn't it be bad, going bald?"

This girl turned around and glared at me.

Her mum was in the other room.

She has alopecia.

I don't go round there anymore.
( Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 1:47, Reply)

Many years ago in forestry school
we had to help to build a ropes course. For those not familiar, it's an obstacle course of sorts, involving a lot of steel cables. The one strung a foot above the ground was a tightrope walk, the one going from a platform at the top of a tree to a platform at the middle of another tree was a zip line that you slid down on a trolley, and so on. One of the obstacles was called the Pamper Pole, which consisted of a platform thirty feet above the ground about five feet from a trapeze that let you swing to another platform. The name was indicative of what sort of underwear you should have on, as it was a bowel-loosening experience.

So to construct the Pamper Pole they wanted to use as rot-proof wood as they could, which in this case was tamarack, a type of tree that only grows in swamps. They had plenty of trees to choose from, and had landed a forty foot log on the ground back in the marsh. The only hitch was that they couldn't get it out using machinery as the ground was too soft, so it had to be carried by hand a hundred yards through the woods to the road.

The tool used for this was called a Swedish hand logger, which consisted of a long wooden handle with two pivoting hooks in the middle. You set it on top of the log, kick the hooks into the wood, then two people lift. As there were two dozen of us in the class, it was feasible- but not easy.

All of us got set on the log, except for one guy standing to one side with the hand logger looking confused. Kathy, the teacher in charge (who bore a frightening resemblance to The Trunchbull in the movie "Matilda") looked around at us to figure out who was missing, then bellowed "POLLY!"

One of the few girls in our class stepped sheepishly from behind a tree. "But my back hurts."

"So does mine, but I'm here! Get over here and get on this log!"

"But it really hurts! I twisted it playing soccer yesterday!" she whined.

Kathy growled and set her hands on her logger, directly in front of me. We all bent and on the count of three lifted the log. Straining under the weight we staggered through the marsh, frequently hitting soft spots and going up to our knees in muck, but still carrying the log toward the road. Grunting and puffing we climbed the embankment, each of us carrying well over a hundred pounds of dead weight, and were shuffling it into position where the logging truck could get it when Polly came bouncing alongside us with a cigarette and asked, "Does anybody have a match?"

Never give me a line like that.

As soon as I answered Kathy exploded in laughter with the rest of the class, the log hit the ground with a crash and Polly chased me down the road chucking snowballs at me...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 1:19, 5 replies)

A friend of mine has a rather attractive mother, Sandra
I tend to not talk about that fact in front of him, but (in an extremely immature way) it's quite fun to speak to others about the fact he has a MILF. So far, all who have met her are in agreement, she's gorgeous.

So, this was a running joke, with the condition that we would never tell him, as that'd simply be a bit cruel. One night, we were all sat in a drunken state, and talk turns to "the one person you'd turn gay for", and one of the girls says "Sandra", and we all crack up laughing.

At this point, one lad who was on the outskirts of the group leans forward, and enquires about her. We proceed to spend a minute or so describing her in quite filthy detail (we were pissed, I'm not proud of that). Steadily, he's looking less and less impressed, so we decide to leave it be. An hour or so later, there's a knock at the door, and the lad in question gets up, bids us farewell, and opens the door. There's Sandra, looking spectacular, as ever.

And what does he say to her? "Hi Mum!"

Turns out my friend's younger brother had changed quite a lot in the years it had been since I'd seen him last.

Ah, fuck.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 1:16, Reply)

Don't tell anyone, but I think I might be grandmasterfluffles' ex.
Aw, shit.
:(
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:51, 1 reply)

Mom has never been the most tactful person.
I suspect she's where I get it from, the tendency to say rather blunt things that make people stop in shock as I hit them with an unexpected bit of honesty. But Mom takes it to a whole different level- where I give them a glass of water to the face, she hits them with a cast iron skillet.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not exactly lean and trim. I'm 5' 11" tall and weigh over 200 pounds (14.5 stone or thereabouts, for you English types). Most of my extra weight is in my belly, like most guys. But it's really not that bad- my waistband on my jeans is six inches greater than it was when I was 16.

When I broke my leg last year I spent three months on crutches, and insisted on going up and down stairs and getting out to exercise as much as possible. During that time I lost close to 30 pounds, and while there was still some to go, I felt pretty good that my jeans were fitting loosely on me.

The last time I went to visit my parents I had gained back about five to ten pounds. Mom looked at me and announced, "You look about eight months pregnant."

Thanks, Mom.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:51, 5 replies)

Another music one.
"That key signature isn't a bloody serving suggestion, you know!"
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:47, 1 reply)

The bassoon player to my left is incredibly tactful. I'm not.
Yesterday, he stuck his hand up and asked the conductor, "Can we play that section at a different speed, to see if it will work better?"

At the previous rehearsal, which he couldn't attend, I'd asked the same question. Difference was, I phrased it as, "Can you please tell the orchestra whether you'd prefer us to play in tune, or in time? I don't think you're going to be getting both."
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:45, 4 replies)

One of my friends walked into the sharp edge of a 'for sale' sign.
She gave herself a black eye and the rest of us a big scare. By the time we got on the bus she wasn't dizzy any more, but kept fussing about the eye (understandably.) Problem was, this was 2am and I become intensely logical after midnight, and she'd been repeating herself for four hours by this point.

"The most horrible thing," said she, "was the shock. If I had been expecting it, it would have been so much easier to deal with."

"Technically," said I, "If you'd been expecting it, you wouldn't have walked into the fucking thing in the first place, would you?"

I'm now banned from using the word 'technically'. Ever.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:42, 2 replies)

"This is my daughter the debutante, she came out last spring"
"Yikes, put her back in she's not done yet..."
(technocore, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:41, 2 replies)

When the missus first moved in with me
she had a bit of a scare. Her period was two weeks late.

To me this wasn't a scare at all- I had a vasectomy 17 years before that, and had it not been successful I certainly would have known it well before this. So I told her, "Don't worry, you're not pregnant."

"But are you sure? My period is absolutely regular. I'm never late."

"Trust me, you're not pregnant. The doctors tested me after the vasectomy, and then I had about ten years of unprotected sex with my wife. I'm shooting blanks."

"But I'm never late! How can you be so sure?"

"Look, I've been sexually active for a very long time since the vasectomy. If there were any chance of me getting someone pregnant it would have happened long ago."

"But are you sure? My period is always regular!"

By this point my patience was starting to wear thin. "Because you'd have better luck getting pregnant by an ear of corn. If you're pregnant, it's not by me."

The temperature dropped a full twenty degrees...

...and no, she still hasn't forgiven me for that one.

It turned out that her cycle had synchronized with that of my teenage daughter.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:30, 7 replies)

My mum's funeral.
The taste of roasted pea - dig it up when I cba.
We'd had the churchy bit (according to her wishes - liked to cover all her bases did my mummy) and then we all flew down the freeway behind the hearse to Pinnaroo - the local "stick-em-in-the-ground" spot. My besty Ron-as-in-Later (who has since chosen to do the mortal coil shuffle himself) was supposed to be 1 of the pall-bearers.
He managed to get lost. On a 10 min. freeway run. Behind the hearse and entourage.
After we waited for about 10 mim., shuffling our feet and the like I decided to pull the pin. I sequestered Ron's dad as fill in and told the bloke to get on with the burial uttering the immortal line -
"I know that mum wouldn't want to be late for her own funeral".
Lead balloon.
Ron turned up a couple of minutes later and at least he thought it was mildly funny.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:10, Reply)

Seems QsOTW are about Prince Phillip these days
Next week - should Greeks get the EU boot?
(roysin, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:03, 10 replies)

North Korean tactlessness
Last year when I visited North Korea, one of the stops was a couple of palaces out in the countryside, the International Friendship Exhibition. One is a large building that stores all the gifts from around the world that have been sent to Great Leader Comrade Kim Ilsung, and it included anything from train cars from the leaders of the Soviet Union to a basketball signed by Michael Jordan. The front door is massive and is guarded by two guards holding chrome-plated AK47s.

Once we got in, they checked our cameras in the front so we couldn't take pictures inside. We looked through, barely seeing a fraction of all the artefacts.

Next, we headed to a smaller palace which housed Dear Leader Comrade Kim Jongil's gifts. The guide told us it was significantly smaller than the first palace, and didn't have quite as many gifts. I remarked "And I bet a lot of the rooms are still empty."

Anyway, I meant it as "He's still alive, so presumably he needs there to be room for more gifts," but it came off more as "Because he sucks worse than his dad." Anyway, the guides brushed it off, and I escaped without finding out if the chrome-plated AK47s shoot chrome-plated bullets.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:02, 6 replies)

At my mother-in-law's funeral
my wife called me 'tactless'. Well, I think she did...

I couldn't hear properly over my iPod.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 0:01, 4 replies)

got nothing to say here really
I probably wanked in my cousin's hair once or something

suck my chunks, I drive a Ferrari
(yeah right bollocks bollocks, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 23:53, 2 replies)

I was in Portugal abducting a child
when I looked up to see Kate and Gerry McCann coming out of a restaurant.

Boy was my face red.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 23:30, 1 reply)

My pet peeve
is when someone answers the QOTW 3 years too late.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 3 Nov 2011, 23:25, 2 replies)

foot in mouth
many years ago, i was visiting a friend in her crappy bedsit. one of her neighbours was a girl i hadn't seen for a while, who was a good friend of my sister.
she seemed a bit despondent, so i brought up the subject of her forthcoming second wedding anhniversary. "it's in 2 days, isn't it?" i asked.
"yes," she replied, seeming a little distant.
"still going through the honeymoon phase, are you?"
"it'll always be the honeymoon phase for us" she said, still sounding a bit weird.
due to the frantic look on my mate's face, i decided to end the conversation and make a cuppa. my friend quickly followed me into the kitchen.
"what the hell are you doing?" she asked. "don't you know her husband drowned last week?"
i didn't know, but that didn't stop me from feeling like a total cunt :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 23:24, 8 replies)

My mum
told me that she had been going to have a back street abortion when she got pregnant with me. She chickened out because of all the scary stories. And that she was on the pill when I was conceived...

She told me this when I was 10
(teasus likes tea, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 23:12, Reply)

Taboo
We had invited a relatively new senior employee and his wife round for dinner (with the boss if you will) but was told by my missus to avoid the topic of babies as she was aware that they had in the past had several miscarriages and a still birth so clearly it would be an understandably sensitive subject. Unfortunately my brain and my mouth must have had some sort of argument and weren't talking to each other which is how a couple of hours later I managed to crowbar the sentence "You don't want to go to [local] hospital if you can avoid it, most things that go in tend to come out dead!" into the post dessert repartee.

I couldn't even get my coat seeing as it was our house.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 3 Nov 2011, 23:10, 2 replies)

At uni with a couple of friends, discussing our preferred snack food.
Cheese on toast comes up. Everyone loves cheese on toast. Consensus is reached, everyone is happy.

"It's even better with a slice of ham," says I (it's true, and the French will back me up on this). Stony silence, and some withering glares come my way.

They were both vegetarian. And Jewish.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 23:09, 9 replies)

Granddad wasn't rascist, just absent minded.
I do hope it's not heredity.

just getting in there before someone else will
( Pig Bodine., Thu 3 Nov 2011, 22:49, 5 replies)

Medical genius.
When I was a fresher, and for a time during my second year, one of the people with whom I lived had a remarkable knack for saying phenomenally stupid things. I'll call her J here.

The grandmother of another of my co-habitees was about to be admitted into hospital to have some extremity removed: a heavy smoker, her circulation had given up the ghost, and various bits had become necrotic. This was apparently not the first time it had happened; the grandmother had already lost a couple of toes to gangrene. This time it was - oh, for the sake of the story, let's say that it was to be the remainder of a foot that was to be removed. And yet grandmama kept on smoking; and the prospect was that the doctors would have to keep lopping bits away.

J digested this information for a moment, and had a brainwave.
"They should cut her hands off next time instead. That'll stop her."
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 22:49, 1 reply)

3rd
haha

bronze mother Fuckers. finally a meddle position.

Oh, and as a follow on from the last post on the last question.

I SAID LITERAL TRANSLATION!

proper answer to follow
(OTT, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 22:46, 5 replies)

2nd!
That's the best you know, as per the rhyme.

My wife was once asked by a female friend if she read in bed. When she asked for clarification on the question the "lady" indicated that she actually meant during sex, pointing to her boyfriend she informed us that she sometimes "just read a magazine and let him get on with it".


*Edited to add something relevant to the QOTW
(repooc, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 22:43, Reply)

First!
At last. Also, sorry.* I saw the new question had opened, and couldn't help myself.


*Not actually sorry.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 22:41, 7 replies)