Auditor Nightmare
I once spent two years working as an auditor and trainee accountant (until the mind numbing excitement got the better of me). Anyway, two weeks into the job, I am sitting in the office waiting to be assigned work, and one of the more senior women comes up to me with an "important job".

She proceeds to direct me to four photocopier boxes containing a 6000 page list of policy holders of a client we were auditing. She tells me that as part of the audit process I am required to check the total of the report by adding it up manually. She then sods off.

Cut to two weeks later, having spent eight working days adding it up by hand, and diligently recording every six minutes spent doing so on my time sheet, I am finished, and surprise suprise, the computer generated total is correct.

Cut to two further weeks later...woman who assigned me the job comes up, furious that I have blown her budget by charging 32 hours time to it. She then explains that the request to add the report up was a "joke". I subsequently get disciplinary warning from senior management for "deliberately sabotaging" the project.

Thanks a million.
(Mandrill, Mon 28 May 2007, 1:45, Reply)

...
My dad went away for a week so I invited some friends round for an all night drinking and DVD session. One of my oldest friends rings me up around 10PM and says "I'm at a club at the moment but can I come round about midnight?"
Being the charitable old soul I am I agree, but midnight comes around and there's no sign. At 2AM I get a phone call; "Yo can I come around now? Just one thing... these two girls I work with are with me... can they come round too?".
So I'm in a long term relationship with a girl who, while beautiful, funny and smart, has some - to put it kindly - abandonment and trust issues. I know that if she discovers I had two drunk chicks in my house, even though I had no intention of doing anything untoward, there would be hell to pay. So I argue with my gimp of a friend for about 15 minutes yet in the end I back down and let him come around. The fucker turns up with these two barely standing drunk tarts, proceeds to puke up in my sink, initiates a game of strip poker with them then stumbles off into the night leaving his two associates on my settee in various states of conciousness. Thankfully a couple of my better mates gave them both lifts home (one subsequently got lost taking her home, drove out into the sticks and ended up getting accused of attempting to sexually assault her... a double whammy 'thats the thanks I got' story...)

Flash forward to the next morning... my bitch sister - whom I very much hate and very much intentionally kept awake the night before with loud music and laughter - is spoiling to tell my girfriend that I had a wild fling (total bullshit) with these two chicks, so I pre-emptive strike her and describe the night before to my lovely missus.

As expected she flies off the handle, gives me an earbashing and tells me in not so many words to fuck off. I ring my friend to say "thanks for that one mate"

His response? Via text message: "U shudn't have tld ur girlfriend but I'm not takin da blame for dis one its not my fault."

Anyway I made up with me lady but suprisingly I've not seen that mate around too much recently... the tosser
(bitchman contains mild peril, Sun 27 May 2007, 23:55, Reply)

the thanks i got
To many to mention !!!!!!!!!
(shug, Sun 27 May 2007, 21:13, Reply)

Co-Workers
While doing my normal work duties during a normal day at the office, I was asked by a fellow co-worker to please help her with some account mailings that needed to get in the mail by the end of the business day. Being the normally kind hearted person who hates to see others wallow in piles of work, I agreed to help her with her mailing project. She brought me part of the project which consisted of company checks and an accounting sheet which had to be folded and sealed in the proper envelopes, postage being printed on each envelope and copies of the checks and accounting sheets that needed to be stapled together.

I set all my duties to the side put my nose to the grind-stone and completed most of the project when she came bounding down from her office, logged out on the time clock and left for the day, an hour early.

I found out after she left that she did NONE of the project, had instead given it all to me, screwed off the entire day and on top of it all left early, while I was still doing her project.
(BlueChickenNoodles, Sun 27 May 2007, 17:44, Reply)

The Fraudster
I lived in a hostel in another country for a few months a few years ago and befriended - among many others - an English camp guy with the gift of the gab. We hit it off straight away and when my contract was up, vowed to keep in touch.

I returned to London and my old job working in a pub. A year later, he contacts me and we soon become firm friends again, hanging out with my little gang of mates in the area. It seemed as though he had fallen on hard times and we all did what we could for him. We found him a place to live with a friend of ours and I stored all his stuff in my flat, as well as buying him drinks until he got another job after being screwed over by his bitch landlady.

Anyway, drunk one night, he told us he got arrested the previous year for stealing his mate's boyfriend's credit card and going on a spending spree in revenge for some unspecified act. He'd learned his lesson though, and all was OK. Er, no it wasn't.

He stole from our friend, went through all her stuff, cut up her travel card to replace her face with his, lied incessantly and became a drunken nuisance at my pub, constantly undermining my authority with the staff.

We confronted him and he fucked off, having figured he'd done the same to the previous landlady. After hours of listening to his problems and months of being a generous mate, this was all we got.

Prize git.

And to boot, he wouldn't steal off me cos he thought I was too scummy.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Sun 27 May 2007, 17:21, Reply)

Bindun?

I helped clean up the wreckage after 9/11, and all I got was this bloody t-shirt.
(ratthingbazzterd, Sun 27 May 2007, 17:20, Reply)

I found a way to
hack into the whole system of our place of work

using the 7-zip archive i could delete or move anything i wanted

went and told the technitons about this

"yeah probably" was the only responce I got, not even a thanks!

Miserable bastards! As i had saved them hours of reprogramming if it had gone into the wrong hands...

I was chuckling to myself as i deleted bits of the operating system and messed with the network
( Drunken Vet, Sun 27 May 2007, 16:38, Reply)

It was June 18th 2004, I stopped by the Budgens on the way
to the office, picked up a copy of the telegraph, some fruity polos and a bottle of wind screen washer fluid. As I came into Cheltenham I was proceeded by a black Vauxhall, the driver a blonde 20-something wasn't paying attention to what she was doing and hit the brakes too late to avoid hitting (and running over) a 50-something tramp. I didn't know any of this until after I had run over him as well. I (being the kind-hearted man I am) actually got out of the car to see how he was, he was alive! With minor injuries! Turned out the first car killed him - my car jump started his heart again, bringing him back to life!

I was prosecuted and spent 6 months in jail, the tramp claimed damages and now lives in a better house than I do.

_{Apologies for length}
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Sun 27 May 2007, 15:07, Reply)

I volunteered to help out
with some Tourettes sufferers.

You should have heard the way they talked to me!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 27 May 2007, 2:03, Reply)

I lent this girl my phone so she could have a chat with her mum.
Except her mum was, in fact, one of her mates. On a different network.

So that's £3 of credit I won't see again. I said, look, you can buy me a drink and we'll call it even, but she said "What the fuck, I thought you were on T-Mobile?"

"No, I'm on Virgin."

"Well you should get on T-Mobile then, EVERYBODY is on T-Mobile. GOSH!"

"But all the people I ever call or text are on Virgin."

"Yeah, but all the people I want to call are on T-Mobile."

"Well, you can buy some credit and fuck off, then, can't you?"

And she won't even buy me a drink!
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sat 26 May 2007, 22:59, Reply)

my sister's boyfriend
Spent ages persuading my sister to go out with him, then kept quite when he screwed some other girl, which i thought was quite nice. so what did i get in return? he runs off with my fucking girlfriend of 2 years

anyway this was last week so im still about resentful...
(PetertheGreat, Sat 26 May 2007, 22:54, Reply)

college
I pretty much once did my friend's I.T. homework for her, then she wasted all the credit on my mobile arguing with her boyfriend.

Cnut.

Now I tell her to do it herself, and she gets stroppy.
(Dracia flailed on, Sat 26 May 2007, 20:42, Reply)

GCSE Mock English
I didn't really like English lessons, nor did I really like the teacher, most of the lessons were spent staring into space listening to music and attempts to piss around as much as I could. It was quite obvious the teacher didn't really like me, when she marked my work i got shit marks because basically, I couldn't be arsed. The time came for the mocks and pretty much the first time I ever devoted my attention to the questions (I had nothing better to do for the 2 hours I was in the room). Ended up with a B. What did I get for exceeding the teachers estimations? A well done? Oh no, I got a bollocking for not letting her know that I was actually reasonable at the subject, and basically told that I should have worked harder so I wasn't a lost cause.

In before someone points out all the grammatical errors in the above.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sat 26 May 2007, 19:47, Reply)

...
i went to the airport with my little sister, my friend and our teacher, she was meant to be on holiday but came with us because she was being nice. the flight was delayed for 4 hours (they wouldnt give us food
(Abel wants to see if that new thing works, Sat 26 May 2007, 18:38, Reply)

Damned scroungers
We have these two people living in our house. We took them in when they had nothing, they were literally penniless, and made them feel like part of the family. We feed them, but they don't offer to muck in or even do the dishes. They mess up the house, and have to be coerced into clearing up after themselves. Neither of them have jobs, we pay for everything they need.

The other night, one of them had drunk so much he even pissed in his own bed!

You know I'd tell them to go back where they came from, but I don't think they'd fit up through my wife's vagina any more.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Sat 26 May 2007, 17:26, Reply)

.
She wouldn't swallow.



What a bitch.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Sat 26 May 2007, 16:38, Reply)

I screwed someone once
but I feel an evil sort of joy about it.

I bought a playstation 2 (with 10 games, including some new and expensive ones) from a colleague a few years back. He was 30, lived with his parents and didn't spend any money on rent or food, and instead bought several game consoles, elaborate phones, handheld stuff, the latest games, etc. He was always boasting about his material wealth (probably filling up the social and romantic voids in his life).

He was getting bored with his PS2 and decided to sell it to me for 50 euro and a pack of smokes. Sounded like a perfect deal (at least 2 of the games he was going to supply were 70 euros EACH!)

Later that evening we were drinking some beers after work in a bar, and we got pretty wasted (that's what you get for skipping diner and going straight to the bar). I went to the bathroom and when I returned the bag with the PS2 was gone, and my collegue was looking like a smug bastard (as usual). He told me he had sold HIS(? No, MY) Playstation to the barkeeper and then handed me 70 euro as compensation.

I'm not a violent drunk, so I proceeded to yell at him. How did he dare sell something I had just bought off him earlier that day?! I put the 70 euro in my pocket and hoped this was just some joke he was playing... The damn barkeep just played along... Two hours passed, but since he was buying, I decided to hang around. And ofcourse the PS2 must have been somewhere in this building...

At the end of the evening he handed me back the bag with the Playstation and games he had hid, laughing aloud at my sillyness and anger. He hadn't sold it to anyone and gave me 70 of his own euros earlier that evening.

The next morning I had a terrible hangover, but I was happy as I counted my winnings: 70 euros cash in my pocket + a PS2 with 10 games. And free drinks! And all I ever paid was 50 euro and a pack of sigarets.

He never asked me about the money (he probably thinks the cab driver overcharged him or something, because he was completely wasted).

Evil? Or smart. You decide.
(Carbon-based Life Form Wake up, Cthulhu!, Sat 26 May 2007, 14:27, Reply)

pile of bleeding bricks
I bought a house and in the back garden was a few hundred driveway bricks in a stack. The vender asked if he could leave them. Sure I say, thinking it would be nice of me to not make him move tonnes of bricks.

Then he says, ok, what about 15p a brick then?

I retort, you had better start moving the fucking things then sunshine, or I will start charging you rent for the fuckers.

Funny that, he never came back for them. What a cunt!. I still get his herbal viagra offers in the post. Should I forward them onto his church group? hehehe
(i AM that masked man Book him Tonto, Sat 26 May 2007, 14:10, Reply)

Don't help people
They make you feel like shite and don' thank you when they are mended...yet I still do it!

Another life lesson learned and still time for lunch.
(shellziimoo89, Sat 26 May 2007, 13:25, Reply)

serves him right!
i was with my ex for 12 years. despite this, i'd never let him move in with me as i love my personal space.
one night, about 1a.m, i got a phonecall off him. he sounded very upset and asked if he could come round. of course, i said yes. fool.
when he arrived, there was a huge gash above his eye and he was covered in blood. apparently, one of his so-called "friends" had decided to pay him a visit. this guy was a thief and a weed-hog who took my ex for granted as a soft touch. when my ex told him to go away, he did. he went straight to the indian restaurant at the top of the street and told the crazy guy that works there that my ex had been shagging his 15-year-old sister. this was not true.
crazy guy turns up at my ex's place 5 minutes later and attacks him with a machete! my ex is a pacifist(total fucking wimpy wet) and refused to phone the police or go to the hospital in case they called the cops.
well, i let him move in with me. for 5 months i put up with that lazy good-for-nothing shit eating me out of house and home, running up my phone bill, smoking all my weed and alienating my friends. the sod never gave me so much as a penny, citing huge bills as the reason for his skinflintness.
one monday morning, i woke up to find him gone. this was unusual because the lazy sod didn't normally get up until after lunch. i tried phoning him, but his mobile was off.
three days later, again at about 1 a.m, he comes sauntering in and tells me he's been shagging some trucker's bird in Leeds! he met her online and had been saving his money to go see her!
needless to say, i kicked the living shit out of him and threw him out right then.
that's the thanks i get for being a good girlfriend.

i did kind of get some payback. he came round 2 months later, not to apologise, but for sympathy. the woman he'd shagged in Leeds had given him genital warts! he thought i'd feel sorry for him! i laughed my arse off, called him cauliflower cock and chucked him out again.
obviously, i told all my friends about his affliction. and his mother.

no apologies for length, 12 years is longer.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 26 May 2007, 12:48, Reply)

trashbat,

QUOTE:
"I doubt that there are many brothels called Mount Zion"

there was one, but it went broke. The clients would never agree to withdraw.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 26 May 2007, 12:46, Reply)

I mean, you know
You stand shoulder to shoulder by someone when they are attacked, you support them going to war in defiance of international law, and even commit a few troops of your own to make it look like an international effort, you risk unpopularity at home by obeying said friend's orders without question, you even look the other way when said friend's ally attacks a neighbouring country, while your own personal ratings plummet at home...

And all I asked in return were a few concessions on climate change.

Bastard.

Tony Blair
(lolwhites, Sat 26 May 2007, 11:14, Reply)

Flake
Rachelswipe shares her story of embarrassment and gives a few of us some childish tittilations and thats the thanks you give her?


I can see this question getting very boring indeed come tuesday afternoon..
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Sat 26 May 2007, 10:42, Reply)

Money money money
I'm too fucking generous, but don't go getting any ideas as I've been screwed over so many times I think I've finally learned not to trust any one. Especially one of you dodgy bastards.

Cunt 1:

I had one housemate who was broke, paying maintenance to his ex-wife, working a crap job to make ends meet and short on the rent one month. Being the nice guy I am, I loaned him £100 (rent was cheap back then) and he promised to pay it back before the next month.

He spent the whole lot on dope, moved out two weeks later with no notice, owing two months' rent and leaving myself and the rest of the household with an increased rent until we could get a replacement.

Cunt 2:

A group of us were going to see Rocky Horror at the theatre and a couple of younger members of our little social circle couldn't afford the tickets until "pay day". I paid for five (two groups - one of three, one of two).

The group of two were just continually skint, though I did end up getting a BJ from the lady of the couple some months later. The group of three became a group of two when one of them dropped out, but right up till now (5 years on) still haven't had enough spare cash to pay me back. Which is horse shit.

So that's another £100.

And why I don't trust anyone any more. So sorry, no. You can't borrow anything. It's nothing personal but I can't afford it!

No apologies for length. You bitches always say it's girth that matters anyway.
(Mosh Worldwide traveller and random mentalist, Sat 26 May 2007, 7:40, Reply)

Oui, I am the clever tricky charity weasel
Also, doing volunteer charity work selling used clothing for a good cause... One day, someone donated a batch of new clothes with tags still on. Oo! Nice! Fancy!

One lady was interested in them. I told her they were new. She told me I was a liar, threw them at me and said to another customer, "She tried to tell me they were new." Both looked at me like I et a baby.

And that's the etc. etc.
(socialised_medicine quietly returns to Saskatchewan for Lurkfest 2007, Sat 26 May 2007, 5:41, Reply)

Yet another story about my psychotic ex
When I moved to Holland a couple of years ago I had problems getting broadband sorted out, so I was stuck with dial-up for the first few weeks. I told my Dutch ex that we were paying by the minute, so not to stay connected for hours on end during the day while I was out at work.

When the first phone bill arrived it was for 850 euros (for a sodding land line), almost all of it for dial-up Internet and calls to her mother's mobile during peak hours, so I was a tad pissed off; especially as she didn't have any money to pay me any of it back because she claimed she was unable to work. Anyway, I managed to arrange with the phone company to pay it off in two installments.

A few weeks later I'd taken the day off work to take her and her mother to see her 14-year-old sister, who was locked up in a kind of Dutch young offenders' centre in a place called Breda. Can't remember exactly what she'd done to be in there, but there was a visiting day coming up and her mother couldn't afford to get there and these visiting days were pretty few and far between, so I had offered to hire a car for the day to drive them both there to see her.

I still had to pay the second installment of the phone bill, so I told my ex that I was just nipping to the post office round the corner to pay it and then we could go and pick her mother up. Went to the cash point, queued up in the post office (still feeling quite pissed off when I started thinking what I could have bought with the 450 euros I had in my hand), paid the bill and then just as I was rounding the corner in front of the flat again I saw her storming up and down the street in a fury, her face glowing crimson with rage.

She started screaming at me that I'd been gone over an hour (according to my watch it was 12 minutes since she'd last seen me), and suggested that I'd been "fucking the girls" in a place further up the street that she thought was a brothel because she once saw girls standing outside in short skirts (I believe it was actually a youth hostel or something, I doubt that there are many brothels called Mount Zion). That was the only reason why she was angry, because she thought I'd been getting up to no good with these imaginary whores. Said she'd looked in the post office and I wasn't there. Apparently the receipt with the time and date on it wasn't proof enough that I was.

The screaming continued back inside the flat, where she smashed some of the Ikea dining chairs that I had just bought with the money my Nan left me in her will, and then grabbed a carving knife and pressed the point against my chest! In front of her other sister, who was 10 and started going hysterical. I was shitting bricks.

So I paid her mammoth phone bill, took a day off and hired a car to take them all to Breda as a favour, and there she was threatening to stab me in the heart. A simple "thank you" would have sufficed.
(trashbat, Fri 25 May 2007, 22:53, Reply)

Merde
I spent several months pursuing a very nice bloke with whom I shared a mutual love of french cinema with. A common topic of conversation was based around the amazing film Amelie and how it'd be totally amazing to fall in love like the two main characters in the film do,(even if Amelie does seem to be a bit of a stalker.)

For those who havn't seen the film, there is one scene where Amelie dresses up as Zorro and photographs herself in a photobooth, with a time and place for the object of her desire to meet her.

So, having a zorro costume (naturally) I though what better way of asking him out? I promptly went down to the local station and whacked my costume on and took the photos. I sent them in the post that day and waited.

Two days later, he sent them back. With a very polite note explaining that he didn't fancy meeting me for a drink and actually didn't like the film much anyway.

Lovely.
(thants, Fri 25 May 2007, 19:28, Reply)

rachelswipe
It's "arse", dear, unless you're one of those damned colonials.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Fri 25 May 2007, 18:59, Reply)