So many things and I'm still at it... this one was a washing machine
Over the years there have been so many things, from silly petty fun like the newspapers at the chinese takeaway - which escalated each week until they caught me with about 15 papers stuffed into my bomber jacket! (I was of course very very drunk!)

On occasion something a little more determined, possibly even for profit or greed, given that I am still prone to such opportunism I'd best keep quiet about those.

Anyway, this take is about the time I stole a washing machine. I didn't mean to, it just happened to turn out that way...

I'd moved into a new home, and after a couple of months of using the launderette 15 mins down the road I'd got enough funds for a top class machine of my own. One of those Samsung direct drive, large drum silver ones that was new on the market.

They weren't too easy to get hold of so when I spotted an online retailer with a great price and promising delivery within 3 days I paid up nearly £700.

On day 3 I'd neither heard nor received anything so I picked up the phone to chase things up. "We don't have any stock of that item, it will be 6-8 weeks" I was informed by the nonchalant phone monkey.

This simply wouldn't do. 6-8 weeks!? Sod that, I'll shop elsewhere. (Apparantly they don't carry any stock and the item actually comes straight from the manufacturer). So I asked for a refund of my money so I could order elsewhere. "We need 5 days to issue a refund", "WHAT!?!" How could that be. I wasn't having that, I worked in online retail at the time and knew 2 important facts:
1 - The distance selling regulations say you must not draw payment, only secure the credit card charge, until you are ready to despatch the goods.
2 - It doesn't take 5 days to refund a card. Using either the PDQ or the online terminal you can cancel and reverse a charge immediately making the funds available to the card holder.

SO I dug my heels in and eventually spoke to a manager who agreed to refund my purchase straight away.

Happy with my victory we ended the call and I sat down with a sigh, where was I going to get my washing machine from now.

Then the phone rang... "Hello, this is Samsung domestic, we'd like to arrange the delivery of your washing machine. Is tomorrow morning any good for you?"..... "Errr, ok".

SO the following morning my shiny new machine arrived, I made tea and provided biscuits while they even plumbed it in for me. 8 years later I've never been billed for it. :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 10:58, 2 replies)

I used to like robbing top shelf wank mags, which were always of course very hetero*.
I also like lap dancing clubs. Strange kettle fish.


* apart from all that lesbianism, for men.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 10:53, 5 replies)

Something about Katie Price
Being an oxygen thief
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 10:30, Reply)

Another foody one
It seems accidental theft is pretty common so I don't quite feel as bad about wandering off from a roadside scran van without paying a few months ago.

Out on the bikes (motor) with a mate and we stopped at a regular sport for lunch, two cheeseburgers (could have been horse but pretty tasty in that way that only cheap greasy spoon food is) and the woman serving was stuck on the crossword. We stopped, we chatted, we helped (no I can't remember any of the clues) we said goodbye and toddled off. It wasn't until we stopped again further up the road we both realised neither of us had paid or been asked for any money. We resolved to go back and pay but she'd closed up and we haven't been back since.

Not the most exciting story but a confession was needed.
(fivetide, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 9:58, Reply)

every rap 'song' ever which has used a 'sample' of actual proper musician's talented songwriting and musicianship is an act of wholesale musical appropriation.
Typical thieving blacks.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 9:44, 8 replies)

Doing the double...
I was at Heathrow airport - sixteen, alone, and bored off my face waiting the endless hours and hours and hours before the inevitable tedium of sitting on a plane to see my parents 1/4 of the way round the world in Bangladesh.

"I know what will entertain me and get the adrenaline flowing!!" my stupid teenage mind thought, "A thieving spree!"

So setting out with my cunning ninja-like abilities, I nicked a magazine. A magazine! Just pick it up, walk round the shop for a bit - and out into the main lounge . . . NICKED!!!
So I tried it again - with another magazine. . . . STOLEN!
So I tried purloining a book to read on he plane . . . THIEVED!
So I went for a cassette (Born to Be Wild - a collection of rock "classics" I believe) . . . picked up two cassettes, pocketed one, and put the other back on the shelf - NO PROBLEM!

So I went for a walkman….

A yellow Sony splash-proof sports walkman.

I put it on the top of a freshly acquired trolley, put a (stolen) magazine over the top - and walked casually out.

The guilt I felt on the plane when I opened the box to get the walkman out was quite unpleasant. Until I started listening to my new rock tape! ROCK N ROLL!!

Time passed - it was a good walkman, and served we well for about a year - until my sister took a like to it. So my mum, ever one to try to keep everyone happy - offered to buy it from me for my sister for one of her birthday presents (technology being hard to come by in Bangladesh 20 years ago) - and I accepted.

Then after a few months I nicked it off my sister.

TL;DR - I nicked the same walkman twice.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 9:44, Reply)

Nine Inch Nails stole my song.
J. Cash
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 9:38, 10 replies)

OK, so you're standing in front of a judge, right?
"Did you or did you not steal it?"

"No, I didn't"

"But you wrote a full confession on B3ta. I have it here"

"Oh bollocks".

TL;DR. I have never stolen anything, ever.
(username failed moderation, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 9:08, 4 replies)

Ice Cream of the Future
Newly arrived in Australia, I went to a concert. They were selling "Dippin' Dots: Ice Cream of the Future" there. " Oh," I thought, "Australians and Americans alike share this stupid futuristic ice cream." Just as I was preparing to pay, a friend of the clerk walked up and began chatting with her. She soon grew so distracted, I was able to walk away without notice, and without paying.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 8:21, Reply)

Curse my slow witted honesty!
It would've been the perfect crime.

On Sep 11 2001, about an hour before it all kicked off in the States, I was working away at my ordinary little old desk job in Durham when the receptionist calls to tell me that my car is here.

Oh dear, thinks I. I descend the stairs to Reception panicking madly thinking I had forgotten a major client meeting. Only to find, a car dealership delivery chap. He addressed me by surname and handed me the keys to a brand new Discovery sitting in the car park.

It was for another chap, by the same surname, no relation, in the next building.

Instead of taking the keys with a smile and driving off to the south of France to fence a car worth two years salary, I sweetly said I didn't know anything about it and handed the keys back.

Shmuck.
(Que?, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 3:24, 1 reply)

Ok well considering it was my idea here's my story
Only twice have I been the victim of theft. Unless you count when my humour and soul was destroyed and stolen from me but that was when I met /talk recently.

However the more interesting story is when I actually stole something which again is twice on my lifetime each with devastating consequences.

I have a friend called Chris, I say friend he was a humanoid that lived 2 doors away from my mothers house when i was 16, he was a cunt, not just a cunt he was a special kind of cunt he was ginger, ginger with an older brother called Geoff who liked to spell his name as "Jeff". Geoff was the cooler of the bothers he wasn't ginger for a start he was also older and a bit of a spastic. When I say spastic I mean he was cooler than you and me he had a perm.

But he also had a car.

He used to prove his coolness by showing his six pack to his ginger brother and then making his ginger brother punch him in the six pack so he could then punch the ginger one in the middle squishy bit of his body...he did this for about 4 years every day, unless he was ill or getting his perm remade by an extra from "coming to America"

Anyway one day when "Jeff" was off having his perm "glowed" we stole his car. We stole it as far as it took for the road to kind of....straighten up....at which point we drive it into the wall ahead of us. Which was right outside of "Jeff's" house.

I will never forget what ginger Chris said to his brother while his pride and joy was parked in a wall,
"Am sorry sorry sorry Jeff honestly sorry, I thought the car curled as well"

If you read this "Jeff" you fucking spastic we stole your car and drove it into a wall cos you are a cunt
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 2:44, 4 replies)

Wooooo hang on
I am the needy spastic yet I got a QOTW you guys are fucked now
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 2:27, Reply)

Nicked
Whoot Whoot this is my first time back since I had my baby.

2 weeks ago I nicked an A3 sized piece of crinkly silver plastic sheet (its like the silver marathon runner's cape) from her play group. My child is now 12 weeks old and she loves it, I couldn't deny the tiny child shiny crinkly tummy time fun. She can now lie on tummy propping herself up on her arms.

For those of you who aren't or are not yet the parent of a tiny child, this will mean nothing. For those who are or have been I think I am mother of a tiny genius. I'm not the slightest bit sorry for what I did. Fuck yeah, I'm going to be a Tiger Mum.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 23:58, 16 replies)

i once took
the piss
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 23:46, 4 replies)

Businesses across the globe....
....would like to point the finger at B3ta. The amount of company time stolen by this website is unbelievable....!
(Om Nom was fed with candy on, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 23:28, Reply)

Something edgy about stealing sutin.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 21:59, Reply)

Paddy the Just
In defiance of all conventional racial stereotypes, Paddy was an Australian, who found himself working for one of London's myriad "direct sales" companies in the mid-2000's. Despite being a direct colleague of mine, I never got to know him that well, although he gave me the basic lowdown on his background - spent the first 20 years of his life surfing (and had the body to match), didn't own a suit before he was hired as a salesman, found British terminology quaint and bizarre at the same time, and so on.

The shop ran according to the following principle: you went out into the field every day and knocked on doors to try to sell whichever charity was the flavour of the month. You also tried perpetually to recruit members for your team, in order to boost your income with the commission from their sales as well.

One evening Paddy came back to the office after a day in the field looking like he'd just had to sacrifice his first-born. In contrast to every other evening, he went straight into the back office, talked to no-one and stared into the middle distance. Polite enquiries as to his well-being were met with barely-contained enjoinders to get fucked. The full story was not to emerge until the following day.

Paddy had recruited a local chav who'd concealed his true colours during the interview process. The previous afternoon, Paddy and the rest of his crew had come across a team of builders having their tea break on the wall surrounding a building site, and Paddy, being the gregarious type, had struck up a conversation with them. After chatting for a while, they both went their separate ways and Paddy was mentally formulating his pep talk to boost his sales team for the rest of the afternoon. At this point, the chav sidled up to him and said "Hey, look: I nicked this phone off one of the blokes on the building site. Hardcore innit!". Paddy apparently lasted about an eighth of a second before grabbing the chav by the scruff of his neck, frogmarching him back to the building site and saying "This guy's got something to say to you." Forced the chav to return the phone on the spot, fired him on the spot, and spent the rest of the day being thoroughly disgusted with humanity. One of the few people with any morals in the office, to be honest.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 21:49, Reply)

Something about some Time Lord cunt
stealing a TARDIS.

Cunt that he is.

I bought mine, you know. Cost a fucking fortune. Shame the bastard isn't working though.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 21:39, 8 replies)

Have a pea. Turns out well, but started out with tea leafery...
I was out for a beer fuelled weekend of fun and frolics down in Newquay for a friend's stag night.

Now I'm a bit of a geek at times, and as such I don't really have a camera that fits handily into the pocket. As a result I had a bag with me that night. All good. The next morning I woke up to find... Gasp!... My bag was right next to me - Yes! I had managed to remember to pick up my bag at al the the bars, clubs and wherever the hell else I ended up that night.

Magic!

So I was rooting through it looking for something or other, when I found something a bit odd in the front pocket. A wallet.

A wallet I didn't recognise.

Someone else's wallet.

Fantastico. So I'd remembered by bag, w00t; but in the process I'd also become a tea-leaf. What the hell was I doing with someone else's wallet? I hunted through to see if there was some ID in there, but no. Cashcard (with a name I didn't recognise) but that was about it.

I asked around a couple of the guys rather sheepishly, wondering how the hell I was going to gexplain this one, and nobody recognised the name either.

It should be noted at this point that in typical boy fashion, we didn't really know each other's real names, it was always nosher, monkey and stuff like that.

AFter a few minutes getting more and more het-up about this whole thievery business, one of the guys I hadn't met before that weekend, came out of ihs tent bemoaning not only his hangover, but also his lack of wallet.

As soon as I saw him, it all came flooding back (well, trickling, anyway). I'd been at the bar next to him, him being rather more pissed than me, and I'd noticed him leave his wallet on the bar and walk off. So I picked it up and went to hand it back to him, but he was gone. So I did what every self-respecting good samaritan would do in the situation: put it in my bag and instantly forgot about it.

So I went, in one fell swoop, from being thieving bastard to saviour of the guy's wallet. I didn't really think anything of it, but he seemed to be way happy to be reunited with it.

Meh. Turned out alright, but scared the crap out of me at the time!
(Benjimawoo, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 21:19, Reply)

my dad used to travel a lot with work
and once, when our telly remote had broken he found himself in a hotel with exactly the same telly, but the remote worked fine. Not wanting to steal it only for them to inventory the room after he left and charge him for the missing remote, he phoned down to reception to complain that it was already missing.
A dude pops up with a 'replacement', which the old man swiftly pops into his suitcase.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 21:12, 1 reply)

my dad used to travel a lot with work
and for a while as a kid i had a pair of headphones with
'property of british airways, do not remove' printed on them
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 21:09, Reply)

Before I own up, is this website admissible in a court of law?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 19:45, 1 reply)

Passive stealing
Happened to me twice now.

First time was in a pretentious sandwich shop on Liverpool Street in London, when I used to work in the City. My colleague/mate basically ate out every day, so when he suggested we go to the new sandwich place across the road I took him up on his offer. Tiny, pokey place in an alley between two office buildings. He and I spent the entire time we were in there talking about something job-related and I think the people preparing the sandwiches must have been eavesdropping, because as we left the shop with our ciabattas they completely forgot to charge us.

Second time was at an open-air market in France, at a roast chicken stall operated by a completely overworked husband-and-wife team who were besieged with customers baying for roast chicken and potatoes cooked in chicken fat. Each member of the team apparently thought the other one was collecting the money from the patrons, with the result that free chicken and potatoes were handed out to about 150 people over the course of half an hour. I never saw them on that market again.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 19:13, Reply)

I bought a pulled pork wrap & a flat white from Costa yesterday
It came to £6.25, so I gave the girl a £10 note.

She gave me £6.25 change and I SAID NOTHING.
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 18:58, 12 replies)

This happened in a one pound shop or 99p, I forget. I was looking at buying cell batteries for
watches and such-like. A gentleman approached me and said that he would quite happily nick the item for me and to meet him outside and give him .50p for the items. I suspect the man might have been a drug addict. Words did not fail me, I said that I would prefer Mach 3 blades from Boots and I would give him half the value.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 18:50, 5 replies)

Eclipse signs trophy hunt - Plymouth Herald article
TROPHY-hunters have been bagging Eclipse signposts across Plymouth and Devon in a bid to take home a sou­venir of the celestial event.
Fourteen of the 50 signs erected on Devon roads to warn drivers of traffic prob­lems have been pinched —including some that disap­peared before the August 11 event itself.
Two signs put up in Ply­mouth, one at Roborough roundabout and the other at Brixton Tor, have already been swiped.
Devon County Council originally planned to reuse the rectangular black-and-white roadsigns by changing the lettering.
But officers are now set to recover the signs over the weekend — if there are any left.
Graham Atkins, Eclipse Project Officer for Devon County Council, said: “We have witnessed some amaz­ing things in the past few days, including the extraor­dinary phenomenon of the Eclipse itself, but this has to be one of the most bizarre stories of the whole event.

Inexplicably
“Some of the signs began to disappear before Wednes­day — inexplicably, it is those signs publicising the radio frequencies that have proved most popular — 11 of those have vanished.”
One sign reads: “SOLAR ECLIPSE. Travel Informa­tion. Traffic may be busier than normal. Please be patient. Drive with care. Be TRAVELWISE.” The second sign says: “SOLAR ECLIPSE. Travel Information. Tune to (rele­vant frequency). Be TRAV­ELWISE.”
Mr Atkins attributed their theft to novelty value.
He said: “Thankfully, the loss of the signs didn’t cause problems, and it is the only blip in an otherwise very suc­cessful operation. We would rather not lose anymore.”
Each sign cost £95 and were dotted around the county to warn visitors to expect heavy traffic.

This was mostly me.
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 17:59, 7 replies)

Your jobs and your women.
Suck it up, whitey.
(comedy bully grrrr, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 17:42, 3 replies)

Probably a repost
I once stole some toilet paper from The Foreign & Commonwealth office in that there London.
It was that crap shiny paper stuff but each sheet was printed with
'Property of Foreign & Commonwealth office' or something like that
So it would have been rather rude not to really.

Once stood by the meat counter in a supermarket and a man walked up, put an open bag on the floor and proceeded to calmly fill it with joints of beef, then with a wink at me standing there gaping open mouthed, just nonchalantly walked out of the shop.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 17:26, 1 reply)