A few drops of tea tree oil
shaken up in half a bottle of "fragrance free" style shower gel makes a cheap but very effective and mild anti-bacterial face/body/hair wash. Seems to give it doubly good de-greasing powers, too.

/Edit... I should be slightly more clear on "a few"...4/5 drops max in half a bottle. It's damn powerful stuff.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 13:39, Reply)

remove uncertainty about 'who ate all the pies'
by setting up a CCTV camera outside your local branch of Greggs and reviewing the footage on a regular basis. For extra bonus points, play a game of'Jeremy Kyle Roulette' while you are watching by matching people on the screeen with the scumbags that appear on the odious little turd's TV show and placing them into imagined categories of human failure.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 1 Nov 2010, 9:11, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Keep accurate records
of ALL cartoon cavemens' body parts or you won't file the Barney foot.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 8:54, Reply)

Make sure you get working on that mass grave for your rabbits sooner rather than later,
or you won't fill the bunny pit.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sun 31 Oct 2010, 20:20, Reply)

avoid wasting money using expensive real pound coins
by using the fake pound coins you get given in change from town market stall holders instead. By passing them on it's 'Recycling in action' and so is keeping up your Green credentials.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 31 Oct 2010, 1:30, Reply)

make sure to gain lots of weight
Or you won't fail the bony fight
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 30 Oct 2010, 18:31, Reply)

In the youtube player
Use [option]+[number] to skip by percentages.

[option]+0 skips to 0% i.e, the start.

Windows : Alt key. I think. Ctrl (thanks weaselinajetengine)

Linux : Alt
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Sat 30 Oct 2010, 16:44, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Don't take lots of poppers just before choir practice
or you wont feel the Benedict.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 23:11, Reply)

Make sure
you know the intracasies of the sanctuary decree, or you won't fool Pope Boniface.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 19:54, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Don't anaesthetise your head before trying on a brimless cap
You won't feel the beanie fit.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 17:24, Reply)

Talking
If confused by www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-11642588, the correct answers are:

Mischevous
Sez
Et
Aitch
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 15:39, Reply)

Don't refuse an F1 driver the opportunity to become a Communist Leader in Cuba
Or you won't Fiedel Button.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 13:27, Reply)

Don't turn down
offers to play cricket for clothing labels or you won't field for Benetton
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 28 Oct 2010, 23:56, Reply)

At the fuel pump.
The nozzle comes on the end of a long tube; this will, incredibly, reach to your fuel tank even if it is on the opposite side of the car! Try it.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 28 Oct 2010, 18:57, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Don't insult a beautiful person at a funeral
Or you won't feel the bereft.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Oct 2010, 16:18, Reply)

Erm ... erm ... don't judge others, erm ...
Or they might judge YOU! Erm ...
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Oct 2010, 12:44, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Astronomers looking for habitable Earth-like exoplanets
Check absorption spectra for molecules of C8H8 as any fule kno, all planets with breatheable atmospheres and Earth-like gravity are littered with blue styrofoam boulders.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 27 Oct 2010, 10:35, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

TV celebrity Physicists,
Make the explaination of Quantum Tunnelling accessible to Sun readers by comparing how Road Runner can transverse a painting of a tunnel whilst Wile E. Coyote merely rebounds off the cliff wall. For increasing attention span, add a commentary on n-dimensional supersymmetry by Ashley, 23 from Basildon.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 27 Oct 2010, 10:10, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Stab vests make ideal portable chopping boards
for picnics when you have to slice up pork pies, cheese et cetera. Conversely, a chopping board may be used as an impromptu stab vest if sewn into the lining of a sleeveless bodywarmer jacket.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 27 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Don't waste money on expensive antibacterial washing up liquid
If, as we're told, there's more germs in your kitchen sink than in a toilet, simply wash your dishes in the crapper instead.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 27 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Green pigs
Don't live in elaborately constructed, easily destroyable structures made of wood, glass and bricks. Simply move to an underground bunker instead.
( krang, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 23:05, Reply)

Gardeners
Planted any trees in your garden this summer? Offset them against your carbon footprint by burning an old armchair.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 21:28, Reply)

Save €€€€€€€€€
The missus may like to see a colourful bowl of fruit proudly displayed on the kitchen table.

But you'll end up dumping it after 3/4 days.

Keep your fruit in the fridge, it will last weeks.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 15:49, Reply)

Become desensitised to horror films?
Play computer games of the horror genre instead. The interactivity means that it's you that has to be brave enough to peek around corners in your own time rather than just watching some character on the telly do it instead. Also, you're much closer to the screen.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 14:06, Reply)

Don't collect
old computer hardware, hard-drives and various leads etc. after upgrading your PC. You'll never use them and when you finally realise this, they'll be worthless.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 14:01, Reply)

Want to make ££££££ in your spare time with little or no effort?
Send me £10 to find out how TODAY!
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 13:03, Reply)

Mothers of young children
Try fucking looking before crossing the road, instead of using your child's pushchair as some kind of impromptu fucking red light.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 25 Oct 2010, 11:31, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Avoid insufflation of benzoylmethylecgonine whilst sober
You won't feel the benefit
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Referees
Surrounded by players baying at you to brandish your cards at a player?
Why not show them one of your cards?
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Mon 25 Oct 2010, 8:50, Reply)

Don't wear gloves indoors when picking up your dole.
You won't feel the benefit.
( Peej, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 6:52, 1 reply, 15 years ago)