when you have a bad cold, drink decaffeinated coffee before you retire...
or you wont feel the benylin
( spitsticker is not working on, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 7:19, Reply)

Always remember to read the punchline of jokes written in Braille
or you won't feel the funny bit.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 15:27, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save energy by allowing politicians and corporations
to do your thinking for you.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 22:42, Reply)

Government ministers over 37 or so
Why not jack up tuition fees so students end up with a debt comparable to a mortgage even though your university education was free when you were students.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 12:31, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't let go of the singer of "Stand By Me" when he has an epileptic episode
You won't feel the Ben E fit.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 12:00, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Students
Why not throw a fucking fire extinguisher off a roof onto coppers?

That will show The Man!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Live in London? Tired of being unable to get an NHS dentist?
Move to Wandsworth, we've got tons of free places. Tons. Also enjoy the added benefit of extremely low council tax and always being able to get a seat on the tube at rush hour.

There is a small risk of being caught up in gang violence in the glamorous kebab shops of Tooting, but St George's Hospital is right there so you can't lose really.
(pandora peroxide thinks it's a blocker, master! on, Thu 11 Nov 2010, 16:54, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When peeling tapering large root veg such as carrots and parsnips
Hold the thin end and peel the wide end with strokes away from you, as the skin left at the thin end affords more grip.
THEN hold the peeled thick end in your palm to grip easily as, even peeled, the taper means you can stroke away to peel the thin end and still hold on to the bastard.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 11 Nov 2010, 14:32, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Gypsies:
Educate people on the true gypsy way of life, by stealing anything that isn't nailed down and leaving a filthy mess anywhere you go.
(bunglist, Thu 11 Nov 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Save money on going to the cinema
By having your own fucking imagination.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Nov 2010, 13:59, Reply)

Students: Save money on expensive tuition fees...
by getting a job as a tutor, then teach yourself and get paid for doing it.
(bunglist, Thu 11 Nov 2010, 13:56, Reply)

Save time reading The Big Issue...
...by throwing it straight in the bin.
(bunglist, Thu 11 Nov 2010, 13:47, Reply)

Be at a party held by the members of Abba, and observe how the songwriters "work the room"
Or you won't see the Benny flit.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Nov 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Houses
If your parents are trying to sell their kids, go golf and out play the.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Nov 2010, 10:51, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Parents
If your kids are trying to sell your house, they'll most likely do it when you're out playing golf.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Thu 11 Nov 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Kids
If your parents are selling the house, they'll be very busy with grown-up things, so why not go outside and play golf.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Nov 2010, 10:15, Reply)

When your parents are trying to sell their house, using a golf club on the carefully manicured front lawn and leaving massive divots everywhere is a good way to get you murdered you FUCKING LITTLE CUNTS!!!!!!
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 11 Nov 2010, 1:36, Reply)

Drivers: Don't bother indicating
No other fucker does, especially on roundabouts.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 10 Nov 2010, 21:44, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When the car behind is up your arse attempting to overtake,
Wear an insane, grinning Ronald Reagan mask (or similar) BACKWARDS, lean out of your window and give a him wave. He'll think you're a mentalist and keep his distance.
(Hudekin ( . )( . ) - cos i can't use photoshop.., Wed 10 Nov 2010, 18:49, Reply)

Gays:
Get fit girlies to lay on your penis for half an hour to see how fickle you are.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Nov 2010, 17:15, Reply)

Make people think you do actually have eyes in the back of your head
By having excessive facial hair and then shaving the back of your head. A false nose and lips adds to the effect.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Nov 2010, 17:07, Reply)

Organise a stall with Hans-Peter the German beer-festival organiser
Or you won't deal with Steiny Pete.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 10 Nov 2010, 16:15, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make people think you do actually have eyes in the back of your head
by walking around backwards.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 10 Nov 2010, 13:20, Reply)

Buying something expensive
and they're trying to get you buy an extended warranty? Tell them you don't need one and that the year's guarantee is a load of bollocks. An item has to work for a reasonable length of time. A new TV shouldn't die after 2 years for example.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Nov 2010, 12:40, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid having someone sticking your fucking iPhone up your arsehole
by switching off the "Sent from my iPhone" function every time you fucking use it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 10 Nov 2010, 9:53, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If considering buying a new car
wait 6 to 12 months from the launch so that initial bugs and issues are resolved in production, but before the accountants get at the engineering and look for ways to take cost out, i.e. cheapenifying bits and nicking frills and trinkets that used to come as standard. Remember, it only has to work faultlessly UNTIL THE WARRANTY EXPIRES.

You can also play this game with second hand cars, just do a bit of research and find out when the model was launched and then check its date of manufacture (but not date of first registration as it may have been sat in a car park for months before going to a dealer).
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 10 Nov 2010, 7:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Pretend to be Peter Kay
by memorising a list of things from 70s and 80s popular culture and then repeatedly asking people if they remember them and what were they all about.
For example:
"Do you remember leg warmers? What were they all about?"

Occasionally throw in 'what were we thinking'
"Do you remember roller discos? What were we thinking eh?"

Repeat for the entire list.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Nov 2010, 17:16, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fancy having a bigger forehead?
Simply staple a chicken breast to the top of your current forehead.

Season to your natural skin tone.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 9 Nov 2010, 16:27, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Sellotape your CORGI certificate to your face
To give off that "I've come to fix your central heating, Miss" vibe. This may lead to gratuitous sex involving but not limited to handjobs, oral, anal and the prospect of her sister joining in when she 'pops over' for a coffee complete with pearl necklace conclusion.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Nov 2010, 14:45, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Sellotape corgis to your face
To give off that "I've come dressed as mad royalty" vibe.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Tue 9 Nov 2010, 14:08, Reply)