Climb Mount Everest
for that "On Top Of The World" feeling.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Cyclists...
Consider the possibility that the large smelly Land Rover (driven by yours truly) that is situated in a left filter lane and is indicating that is turning left, might actually be turning left.

A suitable response to such visual information is positioning yourself in the lane that is clearly marked for road users going straight ahead.

Positioning yourself on the inside of my vehicle and loudly complaining earns you no brownie points and will lead me to question your parents marital status, now fuck off!
( Vambo, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 22:03, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Dress unfashionably and express badly informed opinions loudly in public
to enjoy the nostalgia of being bullied at school.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 17:32, Reply)

Send your nan a bunch of flowers today.
She'll love them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 10:54, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Female singers
Stick to the fucking tune!

Whenever that advert set to "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star" comes on, it makes me want to put my foot through my television set. And the one with "Your Song" isn't much better.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 8:41, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

TV Tip
Sky TV! You know how excited you get when you show episodes of your latest US import "Just days after the States"? Well, imagine for a second if you made a few TV shows yourself. Then you'd be able to show them BEFORE they got shown in 'The States'! How cool would that be?!

N.B. Obviously this doesn't include horseshit like Huey Morgan's Pets Win Prizes and that one with the dance-school full of cunts. I'd keep quiet about those if I were you.
(costas, Wed 17 Nov 2010, 23:29, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make sure your car doesn't work
by not having the timing belt checked after 80k miles.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 17 Nov 2010, 23:25, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Asda Groceries dot com
raise my hopes and fool me into thinking one of the many companies I'm applying for jobs at have sent me correspondence requesting my services by e-mailing me 4 times daily with your fantastic free delivery service over christmas. You can really hit me with a double whammy by not replying to any application I've sent you because things have become so desperate I'm considering stacking shelves for you at half the hourly rate I used to get as an elecfuckingtrician
(sonofstuj is exactly who you think he is, Wed 17 Nov 2010, 18:34, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make sure your car headlights don't work
by smashing them in with a hammer.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 17 Nov 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Tramps.
Avoid being 'moved on' by investing in a tiny union jack and moving your sleeping bag to The Mall for the next 6mths.
( barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 17 Nov 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Mums
Despite what television adverts might imply, feeding your children over-processed frozen shit is not heroic.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 17 Nov 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Life
fool people into thinking you don't have one by posting 16 top tips in a row. ;)
(SkoaL, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 17:09, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

A courgette down the trousers
makes you look frighteningly well-endowed. However, if you keep courgettes in the fridge make sure you warm it up before putting it into your trousers in case your wife bursts out laughing as you skip about in shock.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:57, Reply)

blokes
fool women into thinking you're gay by groping their knockers and then acting nonchalant.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:52, Reply)

BBC executives
Cheer up old people by commissioning a new TV show called "The Last of the Summer Wine: The Next Generation"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Save money on your water bill when showering
by setting yourself on fire and waiting until someone comes and hoses you down.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Restaurant owners
Make people less paranoid after shouting at the waiter by adding "may contain spunk" under each item listed on the menu.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:48, Reply)

With an ear-trumpet
about a yard across, it's possible to hear carrots screaming when they are pulled from the ground.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Pissing
in a sleeping tramp's mouth is a surefire way of getting him to shout at you unintelligibly.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:45, Reply)

If you take
the motor and counterweight from a mobile phone's vibrate function and attach it to a fishing-fly, you can make stylish sex-toys for wasps.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Annoy skiers
by going up the mountain at night with a blowtorch and melt all the snow.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:37, Reply)

Organisers of the 2012 olympics
Try to raise interest in the games by introducing the sport of 5-a-side boxing.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:36, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Trick people
into thinking you fought in the Battle of the Somme by covering a shoebox with foil and lollysticks and telling people it's a time machine. Make your ruse more convincing by contracting trenchfoot.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:32, Reply)

Drown sharks
by fitting a Venetian Blind mechanism and draw-chord to their gills.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:29, Reply)

Easy going people.
Become bitter and twisted by reading the Daily Mail regularly.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:26, Reply)

Lost a testicle due to cancer?
Get a prosthetic testicle implanted, and if you can talk him round, ask the surgeon to add another four. That way you can be known as pentabollock.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:26, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Sport
People who have lost their feet to diabetes, freak agricultural accidents or treading on mines.

Don't feel left out in sport by inventing a game called "Stumpball"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:22, Reply)

Careful when logging oxymorons
or you won't file the boney fat.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:18, Reply)

Sacs of Cash
Thinking of making easy money by filming a friend getting hoofed in the knackers and sending the footage to a popular camcorder-calamity TV show? First, watch an average episode and ask yourself why it seems to consists of;
a) Clips from America and Japan
b) Clips from Britain which have a date-stamp in the corner, from which the year has been blurred out
c) About two cameraphone clips which appear to have actually been filmed in Britain in the last three years

Feel free to ignore this advice if you just need an excuse to boot your friend in the happy-sack, however.
(costas, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 14:10, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)