Tell your friends about having sex with your gay black friend
to ensure everyone knows how you're completely liberal and not bigotted.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 14:15, Reply)

Tell black friends about your gay friends and vice versa
to ensure everyone knows how you're completely liberal and not bigotted.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 12:56, Reply)

Go on holiday to the sun
for that "burnt to a cinder in seconds" feeling.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 11:25, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you like the taste of gingernuts but don't like their hardness
Store them in a biscuit tin with some digestives, leave them for a week and then let your housemates eat the gingernuts. The digestives will taste just like gingernuts and you won't have to run the risk of breaking your teeth.
(mmm....beer, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 22:38, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The Sun is a big ball of flaming gasses that will burn you to a cinder in seconds
So it's best to go at night
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 16:26, Reply)

The Sun is a daily sh*t rag
You won't get a tan from it but page 3 does supply a daily dose of norkage.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 16:23, Reply)

The Sun is a big ball of flaming gasses that will burn you to a cinder in seconds.
Not a good holiday spot.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Remove your AGA chipset easier
by chiselling it out with a small screwdriver
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 16:03, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Facebook
If foreign/pretentious friends post non-English status updates, simply use this site and pick the right forrin. Hilarious.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 14:00, Reply)

Make remove hot dishes from your Aga easier
by covering your hands first using your John Lewis oven gloves.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 13:17, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Removing a hot dish from the microwave?
Try lifting it by means of the convenient glass tray upon which it's standing.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 12:46, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Avoid stress at work
By killing all the dickheads.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 12:40, Reply)

Never ignore a poo.

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 11:19, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Drink red wine and fiddle with your bird's lady carpet
whilst watching Hammer films and pretend she's Ingrid Pitt.


Edit: She only died three weeks ago. That passing went unnoticed. Google Images shows that she wasn't afraid to show a bit of flesh on camera either.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 10:52, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Hammer two large birds' carpets
Then dispose of them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 10:30, Reply)

Kill 2 birds with one hammer
and you'll need a larger carpet to dispose of them
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Can't be bothered with capital letters?
Just hope you never have to help your Uncle Jack off a horse.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 9:32, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Tired of that first miserable face you see upon exiting home first thing in the morn?
Scream like a loony, it will brighten up both your days.
(roysin, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 8:22, Reply)

kill 2 birds with one stone...
...and bury your victims rolled up in your red wine stained carpet.
(bunglist, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 8:12, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Disconcert your neighbours
by murdering and disposing of your wife/partner/flatmate.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 1:19, Reply)

Disconcert your neighbours more
by staging a loud argument, including sound effects of crockery smashing, a series of loud thumps punctuated by screams and then silence. Do this 2 hours before going into the garden to bury bags of stuff.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 1:18, Reply)

if you have no orginal story
star wars quotes seem to work quite well
(weaselinajetengine, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 21:33, Reply)

Buy red carpet. Job done.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:52, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Disconcert your neighbours by regularly
digging large holes in your back garden late at night, dropping in bin bags full of lumps into them and then burying them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Mix red wine and white wine with steel
to create stainless steel
( Peej, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 15:13, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Put wooden boards in your wine
to give it that carpety taste.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Do you find your carpet and/or wooden boards do not taste of wine?
Why not cover them in wine?
( Peej, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Do you find the wooden boards protecting your light carpet to be cold upon your feet?
Why not cover them with a nice warm carpet?
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 14:19, Reply)

Save money on wine
By covering your light carpet with wooden boards.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 14:07, Reply)

Mixing
red and white wine together in equal measures makes a very ineffective carpet cleaner.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 14:06, Reply)