Workers in nuclear power plants
Always wear highly flexible underwear should you be exposed to a massive burst of radiation which may lead to an Amazing Colossal Man type incident, as this will preotect your modesty when you grow out of all your other clothes.
Nobody wants to see a 4ft long penis and bollocks the size of melons will not do you any favours.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 16 Feb 2011, 20:46, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Feel like criticising someone?
Lie on top of your shoes for half an hour before walking a mile in them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 16 Feb 2011, 13:57, Reply)

When all you've got is a hammer,
everything looks like it should be beaten to death with hammers.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 16 Feb 2011, 2:58, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Confused over which shoe goes on which foot?
Have a large L tatoo inked on your left foot and a large R tatoo inked on your right foot.

Have all your shoes marked to correspond with the letters on your feet.

It is essential that you have someone with the knowledge to tell the difference between the left and right shoes/feet to supervise these inkings and markings.
(barrycounty, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 18:40, Reply)

Prevent subordinates climbing the career ladder and showing you up for your incompetence
By making the system of promotion so convoluted, involved, complicated and full of beaurocracy that, despite your promises to get it done immediately, they actually die of old age before they can move upwards.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:56, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't try saving money on chewing gum by buying RAM instead
it's more expensive and you will break your teeth
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Save money on extra RAM for your laptop
By using a stick of chewing gum instead.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 16:25, Reply)

Going to Murder someone?
Always make sure you have planned it meticulously so that you'll definitely get away with it.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 15:49, Reply)

Just soaked a pedestrian by driving your 4x4 through a puddle?
Make sure you don't then stop at the garage 200 yards further up the road as your windscreen wipers may disappear while you are paying for your petrol.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Mon 14 Feb 2011, 12:31, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make Dana Barrett think she's your wife
By marrying her.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Make your wife
think she's Dana Barrett by hiding in the fridge and saying "Zuul" whenever she opens the door.

You may need a scarf and some gloves as it can get a bit chilly
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 8:59, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make your wife think she's schitzophrenic
by hiding speakers behind the fridge, set to play a recording of a voice saying "Kill them" every time she closes the door.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 13 Feb 2011, 12:22, Reply)

So your mic broke
Plug in your earphones as the mic and you're ready to go.
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Sun 13 Feb 2011, 10:10, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Subsequent Egyptian leaders
Boost tourism by reintroducing the title of Pharaoh and changing your name to Rameses
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 12 Feb 2011, 20:16, Reply)

Muslim women wearing burkas
Stick a letterbox sized photograph of your eyes on the back of your head to prevent your husband from perving at women who aren't made to wear a religious female slave costume.
(bunglist, Sat 12 Feb 2011, 16:07, Reply)

Avoid that 'yuletide feeling'
by moving to Iran.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 19:15, Reply)

Join a gym and go running every morning before work.
You'll feel great.

If you don't live in giant hot polluted city, you won't even have to join a gym.

Health warning: your ankles might hurt a bit after a couple of weeks.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 19:13, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid that "swimming against the tide" feeling
by swimming with the tide.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Get extra protein,
by stealing some peanuts and eating them.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 16:21, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make your wife
think she's schizophrenic with Tourette's syndrome by re-training her speech recognition software whilst she's out.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 16:04, Reply)

When cleaning your pipes out
offload onto the compost heap, it's protein-rich and the plants will love it.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 13:08, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

When cleaning out your wallet tip the cash onto your garden or into your compost. It's carbon-rich and your plants and vegetables will love it.

If you have a wood-burning Aga this contributes to multiple smugness: Aga + LOOK AT MY WAD.
(speedevil, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 12:40, Reply)

Compost
When cleaning out your fireplace tip the ash onto your garden or into your compost. It's carbon-rich and your plants and vegetables will love it.

If you have a wood-burning Aga this contributes to multiple smugness: Aga + recycling + grow your own veg.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 11:35, 11 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When working at your desktop PC, give your hands the impression you're actually working on a laptop
by folding up the little legs at the back of the keyboard whenever you have to type something.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 14:57, Reply)

Are you from a former Soviet republic in the Caucasus region?
and want to buy something on eBay from the UK?
Fuck off already and read the listing. Use Google Translate if you have to.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Entertain your ugliest child by telling them they were adopted.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:02, Reply)

give yourself
A rather sweaty arse by fabricating some underwear from an electric blanket and sit watching TV all evening.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 11:11, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Humans
make ideal dogs for gods
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 10:19, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid crashing your car by travelling by bicycle instead.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 9:56, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

eBay
is a great way to get shut of a load of old tat that you previously bought on eBay in the first place 5 years ago, except at an incredible loss.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 22:56, Reply)