Pretend you can time travel to Victorian England
By putting a small boy up your chimney, and stabbing him in the feet with pins.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 16 May 2011, 19:30, Reply)

Get a seat to yourself on the bus or train
By urinating over the adjoining seats secretly through your trousers.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 16 May 2011, 19:29, Reply)

Save money on expensive hair products by shaving your head.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 May 2011, 16:25, Reply)

Wash small pets..
On a low heat setting in the dishwasher. Look for the dishwasher safe mark on the underside of the pet to make sure it's ok before washing.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:46, Reply)

Ever need a bit of wet on your fingers for opening annoying plastic bags/bin bags...
...but don't want to lick em cos you know where your finger has just been?

Simply tap the underside of the kitchen/bathroom tap (faucet if you're a Merkin) and a little dribble will come out, just enough to sort it.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:46, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Accumulated a large number of tour shirts from 80's/90's iconic bands?
Want to wear them again or see if they're worth anything? Shame you followed the prevailing fashion for neck slashing & sleeve removal, you twat.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Mon 16 May 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Become known as a "larger than life character"
by holding forthright opinions and expressing them loudly.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 May 2011, 8:00, Reply)

Become known as a local "character"
by having one half of a very loud conversation with yourself wherever you go, whilst busily and visibly fumbling with your balls.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sun 15 May 2011, 23:53, Reply)

empty dishwashers by doing the bottom rack first
that way if you have an upturned beaker or cup base hollow full of murky misty water in the top rack you don't scatter its contents all over the clean dry items in the rack below.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 15 May 2011, 22:03, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pretend you can go back in time by
driving everywhere backwards.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 May 2011, 15:33, Reply)

Another method
is to bury a car with a load of massive magnets on the back seat.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 May 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Annoy metal detector wielding
early evening beach combers looking for lost coins and jewellery on the beach (particularly where people pay for donkey rides) by scattering a huge sack of iron filings about and raking it into the sand.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 May 2011, 13:01, Reply)

Make people think you are Noel Edmonds
By being a cunt and growing a stupid beard.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:38, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save money on beading
If you need beading to lay a lino floor for example, save money by buying a length of dowling from B&Q and, using their free cutting service, ask them to cut it into quarters, lengthways.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:37, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Advertise rappers to pirates by saying "Kelly!" whenever they say "Arrrr!"

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 May 2011, 11:16, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Cheese
Like grated finely cheese but find that it gunks up the grater? Stick the cheese in the freezer for a couple of hours before grating and you'll be able to grate it as finely as you like.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 12 May 2011, 21:17, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Encourage People to Vote
...by dispensing a free lollipop when they put their voting slip into the ballot box.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 12 May 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Snooker balls covered in glue and rolled in iron filings make ideal "bollocks" for male sex robots.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 11 May 2011, 14:03, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Poo frozen, then shaved into a spike with a flick knife makes an ideal weapon to attack your twat of a neighbour when he repeatedly keeps his music on too loud.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 10 May 2011, 19:03, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Enliven in-law relation weddings you're forced to go to by getting spannered on Jim Bean before you turn up. Increase the amusement by throwing shoes at random guests on the dancefloor and calling everyone a 'bell-end'. And as we know, cocktail sausages in your nostrils will never be not funny.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 10 May 2011, 19:00, Reply)

When passing by a stack of magazines put out for recycling
which may or may not contain porn, save time and avoid being late for work by cracking one out there and then so as to not be in the mood for porn in the first place.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 10 May 2011, 11:18, Reply)

Environmental Tip
When putting boxes of magazines out for recycling, save passers-by from wasting ten minutes and ending up late for work by clearly marking each box 'PORN' or 'NOT PORN'.
(costas, Tue 10 May 2011, 0:41, Reply)

Make people think you're a dog
by eating vomit & thoroughly tonguing your own bollocks.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Mon 9 May 2011, 19:23, Reply)

Make people think you're a cat by
Occassionally starting suddenly at the slightest noise, and climbing and getting stuck in trees.

For extra lols, dissect mice poorly, and leave them on your own door step.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 9 May 2011, 16:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Local Radio DJs!
Stuck for a way to fill an hour? Why not pick a copy of 'Now That's What I Call Music' at random, play ten songs from it and ask the listeners to guess the year? I bet no fucker's ever thought of that.

Ooh, hang on, even better; Why not fill the gaps between the songs by reading out news headlines from the year in question? Just pick them from Wikipedia, and make sure you don't read them beforehand to ensure it sounds suitably jarring. "It was the year that police in Hull were on the hunt for a serial rapist, a nurse was found brutally murdered in Dagenham, fifty children died in Britain's worst ever orphanage fire and Black Lace were riding high in the charts with Agadoo. But what was the year?" and so forth.
(costas, Sat 7 May 2011, 20:54, Reply)

People shopping in Tesco
Avoid being misled by the shelf labelled "Teen Chart" as it contains books about gay vampires rather than maps of where to find the local jailbait.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 6 May 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Using one of those syringes
that are used to administer Calpol medicine to babies, it's possible to collect all of your semen at the point of ejaculation without any going astray.
This has the added benefit of being able to measure how much came out. However, be careful not to stumble with it in your hand, as you may inadvertantly give yourself a facial.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 5 May 2011, 16:29, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Need a tug?
But got no tissues/towel/socks/pets around? Simple. Pinch your foreskin closed with the thumb and forefinger (of your other hand) before you ejaculate and voila - entrapped spunk.
(Blunt Logic, Thu 5 May 2011, 10:40, 23 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Annoy simpletons
by voting Yes to AV.


controversial

Edit: I'll tell you what, don't fucking bother then.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 5 May 2011, 10:37, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fool people into thinking you're mad by walking down the street topless
and shouting "BLAP!" at random intervals and passers-by.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 4 May 2011, 12:15, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)