If you are invited to a 'London Underground Stations' fancy-dress party...
Do NOT go as 'Cockfosters'

Took me ages to get my dick back out of the can.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 20:34, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Sitting on your arse for 20 minutes until it goes numb
Makes it feel like someone else is being anally raped, in an alley in Manchester to pick a location entirely at random...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 18:26, Reply)

Before writing a post sit on your hand for twenty minutes.
It will feel like someone else is writing it for you.
When you look like a flouncing fail you can claim your account was hacked.

Cheers
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 14:15, Reply)

Before having a wank
sit on your hand and your cock for 20 minutes.

Hey presto, it feels like someone else, wanking someone else off!
( Peej, Sat 29 Oct 2011, 21:13, Reply)

Prove your individuality and total lack of respect for the establishment
by writing your smilies backwards (:
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 29 Oct 2011, 12:40, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Unhappy with takeaway chips being a bit soggy?
Simply pop them in the oven for a bit.

Cheers
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 29 Oct 2011, 10:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Want to kill yourself from alcohol poisoning in under half an hour?
Drink a shot everytime someone in Eastenders says the word "family"

Or just shoot yourself cos your head is about to explode at the shear shitness of watching it
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Sat 29 Oct 2011, 5:01, Reply)

create instant motion sickness
by attempting to play Monkey Ball with a hangover.

Also, Duke Nukem 3d, Metroid Prime Corruption, Mario Galaxy 2. Blarp.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 28 Oct 2011, 19:03, Reply)

Baffle and confuse The daily mail
By telling them gay immigrants with AIDS cure cancer.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 28 Oct 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Attempt to be down with the kids
by stating that you like, like, The Like...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 28 Oct 2011, 8:10, Reply)

If you ever find yourself legless
do the decent thing and hang yourself.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 28 Oct 2011, 3:23, Reply)

Impromptu escapologists!
Think inside the box.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 11:49, Reply)

Blind people!
Annoy smartarses by telling them your album's coming out next month.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 26 Oct 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Annoy cool people who wear their sunglasses indoors
by asking them when their album's coming out...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 25 Oct 2011, 17:42, Reply)

Prepare yourself
for the changing of the clocks this weekend by recalling the old saying 'spring forward, autumn back'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 25 Oct 2011, 12:14, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

makers of bagels
stick them all up your arse
(bunglist, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 8:13, Reply)

Make your own cheese by simply performing each of these actions on a milk:
Pasteurisation: Pasteurise the milk to destroy unwanted bacteria. To avoid damaging the subsequent curd, this is normally 66 OC held for 30 minutes. Cool to 21 OC.

Starter:Stir in the starter and leave the milk, covered in a warm place for about an hour so that it can acidify. Don’t leave it for much longer than this otherwise the cheese may be too dry and crumbly.

Rennet: Increase the temperature to 28 OC for goat or ewe’s milk, or to 30 OC for cow’s milk. Mix the rennet with two teaspoonfuls of previously boiled and cooled water and then stir it in. Give it another stir 5 minutes later to stop the cream collecting at the top. Cover the container and then leave the milk to set in a warm place.

Setting: (Coagulating): The curd is normally ready when it is firm to the touch, gives slightly and does not leave a milk stain on the back of the finger. Note that with vegetarian rennet, setting takes longer than with animal rennet. It also takes longer in a cooler environment.

Cutting the curd: This is where the curd is cut in order to release the liquid whey. Cut down into the curd, from top to bottom one way then cut it at right angles to form square columns. The curd is then loosened from around the walls of the pan. Unless a curd knife is available to make horizontal cuts, a palette knife can used to make diagonal cuts to break up the curd into pieces that are approximately pea-sized. Stir gently with the hand for a couple of minutes.

Scalding: Sometimes referred to as cooking, this is where the temperature of the curds and whey is raised slowly while occasional stirring of the curds takes place by hand. Gradually increase the temperature to 38 OC over the next 30-40 minutes.

Pitching: This is the process of giving the whey a final, circular stir so that it whirls round. The curds then gradually sink to the bottom and collect at a central point. Turn off the heat and leave the pan until all movement has ceased in the liquid.

Running the whey: Ladle out as much of the liquid whey as possible, then place a previously sterilised cloth over a stainless steel bucket or large basin and tip in the curds. Make the cloth into a bundle by winding one corner around the other three. This is called a Stilton knot. Place the bundle on a tray which is tilted at an angle to let the whey drain away. Leave for about 15 minutes.

Stacking or cheddaring (Texturing):Untie the bundle and the curds will be seen to have formed into a mass. Cut this into four slices and place one on top of the other then cover with the cloth. After about fifteen minutes place the outer slices of the curd on the inside of the stack, and vice versa. Repeat this process several times until the curd resembles the texture of cooked breast of chicken when it is broken open.

Milling: This is the process of cutting the curd into pea-sized pieces. Traditionally a curd mill was used for this, but it is easy to do it by hand.

Salting: Sprinkle 10g salt onto the milled curds. rolling them gently without breaking them further.

Moulding: This is the process of lining the cheese mould from the press with previously boiled cheesecloth and adding the curd until the mould is full. The corner of the cloth is then folded over the top of the cheese and it is ready for pressing.

Pressing: Once in the mould the curds have a wooden ‘follower’ placed on top so that when the mould is put into the press there is a surface on which to exert an even pressure.

Pressing cheese is essentially a process of compacting the curds while extracting the liquid whey. For the first hour, apply a light pressure so that the fats are not lost with the whey then increase it to the maximum and leave until the following day.

Next day, remove the cheese from the press, replace the cloth with a clean one and put the cheese back in the mould, upside down, and press for another 24 hours.

Drying: Remove the cheese from the press and cloth and dip it in hot water (66 OC) for one minute in order to consolidate and smooth the surface. Place it in a protected area at a temperature of 18-21 OC and leave it to dry for a day or two until a rind begins to form.

Sealing: Once the rind has formed the cheese can be sealed to prevent it becoming unduly desiccated while it is maturing. Large cheeses are sometimes bandaged but it is much easier to use cheese wax that is available from specialist suppliers.

Using a water bath, heat the wax in a pan and stir it to ensure that it is melting evenly.

Do not leave the pan unattended in case of fire! Dip the cheese into the liquid wax and coat thoroughly. It sets quickly, so rotate the cheese so that the area where your fingers are touching can also be coated. If preferred, you can paint on the wax with a paintbrush but this will probably need two coats.

Maturing: The last stage is often the all-important one. A cheese, which is tasteless and bland when freshly made, is full of flavour and body after its proper ripening period.

Leave to mature in a cool, dry place at 8 – 11 OC where it should be turned daily for the first three weeks, then on alternate days after that. For a large mild cheese, ripening should take place for at least three months. A longer period of ripening produces a more mature cheese. Smaller cheeses are usually ready after a month.
(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Mon 24 Oct 2011, 23:10, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When drying your hands
under one of those super powerful hand dryers, the old fashioned type, by bringing the heels of your palms close together, your hands will make an amusing farting noise
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 24 Oct 2011, 15:00, Reply)

Need something to do at the weekend?
Hire a chain saw and cut down a load of trees. It's brilliant!
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 24 Oct 2011, 10:04, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Asda own brand Iron Brew tastes as good as branded Irn Bru.
And it's a bit cheaper.
(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Mon 24 Oct 2011, 9:52, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

lawyers and solicitors is your bussiness failing ? does every one want to see you go under ?
then why not become vagrants and ciderladys and improve your standing in the local comunity ?
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sun 23 Oct 2011, 19:59, Reply)

Flashers!
Avoid legal action by only ever exposing yourself to homeless people. They probably won't be too bothered.
( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sun 23 Oct 2011, 19:46, Reply)

Pretend you're on the Great British Bake-Off by making disparaging comments about the produce in Gregg's.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 23 Oct 2011, 17:42, Reply)

Dyson Air blades are not good places to put your foreskin in.
If you get it just right you can make a screaming noise
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sun 23 Oct 2011, 12:37, Reply)

Lie on top your cat until it goes numb. Then it will feel as if you are stroking someone elses cat.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 23 Oct 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Lie on top of a porn mag until it goes numb. Then it will feel as if someone else is wanking themself off and you can go and have a cup of tea.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 23 Oct 2011, 11:30, Reply)

If you get your knuckles just right in one of those Dyson Airblades, you can make a whistling noise.

(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Sun 23 Oct 2011, 7:52, Reply)

in this flu season prevent some one from sneezeing all over you by supergooing there nose shut

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 22 Oct 2011, 22:12, Reply)