Turn gay women straight
By putting a fish up your bum.
(PR1CKBOT IS ONLINE, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 11:50, Reply)

Don't buy toaster bags
Cos the bread is sideways when the cheese in the middle melts then it all slides out and into the bottom of the bag. Useless fucking invention!
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 6:49, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Turn gay men straight
By shitting in a woman's cunt.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Thu 3 Nov 2011, 23:15, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make yourself like a crap 20 year old dot matrix printer.
By making silly noises and using a fine-tipped marker to produce text from tiny dots.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 16:45, Reply)

They say laughter is infectious.
Share the fun. Make other motorists happy when they stop for you to pass through a narrow gap. Instead of flashing your lights or giving a wave, just look at them and laugh.
(username failed moderation, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 15:38, Reply)

Make your inkjet printouts
look like a knackered 20 year old dot matrix printer by using the cheapest ink cartridges you can find on ebay
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 14:05, Reply)

Stop dogs shitting on your lawn
by hanging a UV light over your door, smearing your face with semen, and leaping out from the bushes naked, with an erection every time a dog walks near.

That's how I stopped them*.





*up to 100% true
(Discocat is bringing sexy back, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 13:42, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Stop dogs shitting on your lawn by mining it,
then selling the ore and buying a fence with the money.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 10:46, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Sit on your keyboard for 20 minutes
Then it will look like someone else, probably fluffybunnykiller, wrote your post.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 10:38, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Using one of those metal keyring loop things
This: www.beads4less.co.uk/acatalog/SD8S033.jpg attach it to your trouser fly zip pull, then pull up as normal, attach the keyring round your waist band button and close as normal.
Your zip will never embarrasingly come down again.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 9:47, Reply)

If enjoying a Friday night of beer based fun
Bottle all your piss throughout the evening and put it in the fridge before you go to bed.
Then the following evening you have 8 glorious pints of ice cold 'carling' lager for free.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 9:34, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Stop dogs and cats from shitting on your lawn by mineing it

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 16:45, Reply)

PAEDOS PAEDOS NEVER TOUCH THEY CAN BUM YOU VERY MUCH

(PR1CKBOT IS ONLINE, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 14:38, Reply)

Elephants have massive fannies. You can fit your head up them.

(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 14:30, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Sit on your dog for 20 minutes so it goes numb. Then it will feel like someone elses dog is sucking you off.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 14:22, Reply)

When making music, use different notes to add variety.

(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 13:57, Reply)

Don't have light coloured carpets.

(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 13:56, Reply)

Prevent dogs from shitting on your lawn
by mixing a daily dose of Immodium in with their Winalot.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 13:53, Reply)

"Remember, remember the 5th of November"
by circling the date on your calendar or noting it in your diary...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 2 Nov 2011, 12:38, Reply)

Stop dogs from shitting on your lawn by concreting over your lawn.

(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 12:25, Reply)

This one time we didn't have any ice cube trays and we wanted ice cubes so i filled some sandwich bags with water, tied them shut and bunged them in the freezer.
Smashed them with a hammer. Worked alright I suppose. Not really a "top" tip. More just a "tip" really. Mind you, these days you can buy bags of ice cubes from the co-op for a couple of quid. That's a better tip:
If you need ice cubes but you don't have an ice cube tray, you can buy ice cubes from the co-op for a couple of quid.
(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Taking down the details of a dull business meeting?
Sit on your minutes for 20 wanks and it'll feel like someone else's cock. Or something.
(costas, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 0:26, Reply)

save your self the energy and bother of thinking of new or funny/intersting top tippery
by rehashing some one else's turgid efforts
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 1 Nov 2011, 19:48, Reply)

save money on buying expensive elephants
by dropping chocolate buttons on your front lawn and telling the bloaters at slimfast/weightwatchers/rosemaryconnely etc you lost your choccys in the grass
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 1 Nov 2011, 19:45, Reply)

Save money on expensive flower presses from Hobbycraft;
hire an elephant and let it loose in a garden center.
Something like that.
(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Tue 1 Nov 2011, 13:01, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Point out to mothers dressed as witches
accompanying their kids 'Trick or Treating', that practising witches should ideally be 'skyclad'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 31 Oct 2011, 19:11, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Pretend you are gay to encourage men to have anal sex with you.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 17:55, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Pretend you are a gay
to allow you to watch women friends getting undressed.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:05, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Prevent homicidal thoughts about the state of the nation
by not watching X factor
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 22:03, Reply)