
Got a great tip? Share it with us. You know, stuff like "Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger firmly between your nose and your upper lip."
( , Wed 29 Nov 2006, 16:33)
Tell Us Your Story »

( , Sun 10 Jun 2012, 21:30, Reply)

( , Sun 10 Jun 2012, 2:22, Reply)

Entertain the owners by having loud arguments on the 'phone with your girlfriend each day. Make sure they're absolutely clear about what's going on between you both by then moaning about it afterwards.
( , Sat 9 Jun 2012, 11:13, Reply)

Ensure the owners are most definitely up and about before you arrive, by giving them absolutely laughable start time estimations for the next day,
( , Sat 9 Jun 2012, 10:22, Reply)

Wondering what to buy Dad for Father's Day? Trust me; He won't want a 'World's Best Dad' mug, an 'iDad' t-shirt, an 'Olly Fucking Murs' Funniest Football Goofs' DVD, a 'Dad Rocks!' compilation CD full of the sort of miserable shit Jeremy Clarkson likes, a Lynx gift-set, a Toblerone with some kind of half-arsed dad-based renaming, or a book of sporting anecdotes/Nick Knowles' memoirs/Where's The Stig.
Give him a bottle of scotch and an afternoon's peace with the laptop and he'll be delighted.
( , Fri 8 Jun 2012, 22:24, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Put the coppers into check by telling them they should be out catching proper criminals.
Unless you are a proper criminal.
( , Fri 8 Jun 2012, 15:25, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

By throwing rocks at them when they come to put out the car that you've torched.
( , Thu 7 Jun 2012, 17:21, Reply)

but always put newspaper down first to collect the resulting mess.
( , Thu 7 Jun 2012, 14:52, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Put the coppers into check by informing them that, as a taxpayer, you pay their wages.
( , Wed 6 Jun 2012, 13:42, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

By setting fire to your lounge and jumping out of your bedroom window.
( , Sun 3 Jun 2012, 13:44, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Lukaku in the last minute of extra time. Put a monkey on it. Monster monster monster monster!
( , Sun 3 Jun 2012, 3:52, Reply)

by only sleeping with men.
*edit* this doesnt work if you are a woman....
( , Sat 2 Jun 2012, 14:40, Reply)

by shoving an iPhone up your arse and ringing yourself off your landline
( , Sat 2 Jun 2012, 14:40, Reply)

by shoving it right up your fucking arsehole.
( , Sat 2 Jun 2012, 13:59, Reply)

by not making your kids just so damn sexy.
( , Fri 1 Jun 2012, 18:00, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

With a bucket of 300 degree chip fat, makes the clowns much more entertaining at the circus.
( , Fri 1 Jun 2012, 17:59, Reply)

to wipe off the 'M's' of M&Ms and put them in a bowl of skittles for hilarious results.
*may not contain hilarious results*
( , Fri 1 Jun 2012, 16:58, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Upset that your family have moved away and no longer write to you? Simply contact your local newspaper to complain that
a) You were fined for parking your car on the inadequately-signed double-yellow lines in front of the fire station for a mere three days
b) Disgraceful lefty jobsworths have told you that you can't decorate your council house with a 50ft Union Jack emblazoned with the words 'Foreigners Fuck Off'
c) You're refusing to pay your TV licence until the evil BBC ban the vile gay propaganda being pushed on our precious angels by Big Cook Little Cook
Then simply check the 'Comments' section when your story appears online. Hey presto! You'll find dozens of people taking the time to write to you.
( , Fri 1 Jun 2012, 14:44, Reply)

by talking about yourself in the third person, and refering to yourself as 'the Hoff'.
( , Fri 1 Jun 2012, 12:31, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

by talking about yourself in the third person, and refering to yourself as 'the rob' or 'the fred' or what have you.....
( , Fri 1 Jun 2012, 12:18, Reply)

by NOT trying to stick your cock in your wifes arse while drunk, and saying 'but your sister likes it'
Even if it was meant as a joke.
( , Fri 1 Jun 2012, 10:41, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

by holding a ryvita to your ear.
( , Fri 1 Jun 2012, 10:38, Reply)

( , Thu 31 May 2012, 22:20, Reply)

If you cark it this weekend, we can give you the street party send-off that such a solemn event deserves.
( , Thu 31 May 2012, 22:18, Reply)

By simply adding sleigh bells. Then re-release the track as a 'new' track in an audacious attemp to test people's credulity.
( , Thu 31 May 2012, 11:55, Reply)

by telling everyone that you're really down to earth, honest, and that you dance to the beat of your own drum, and by constantly informing them that you are who you are and that others can like it or lump it.
( , Wed 30 May 2012, 9:55, 8 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Teach your kids to play "The 1% Monopoly": steal all the money before the game even starts, make up new rules that victimise poor players, and pepper spray your kids when they complain.
( , Wed 30 May 2012, 4:50, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Stop fucking mouthbreathing in my fucking ear while I'm trying to fix your fucking computer. Having a slack-jawed non-comprehending fucking imbecile watching my every fucking mouse click over my shoulder doesn't make me work faster and just fucking confuses you. Try fucking off and getting a fucking coffee until I'm fucking finished. Otherwise next time I'll go to b3ta and post Top Tips rather than coming to your desk.
( , Wed 30 May 2012, 4:48, Reply)

( , Wed 30 May 2012, 4:44, Reply)
Tell Us Your Story »