rats suddenly vanished from your garden?
Probably not time to rejoice: you may have an infestation of cats!!!
(username failed moderation, Mon 22 Apr 2013, 11:51, Reply)

Whisper into your sleeping childrens ear 'Now then now then, how's about that then?'
To make them have nightmares about creepy old men.
(username failed moderation, Mon 22 Apr 2013, 11:50, Reply)

Snails Suddenly Vanished from your Garden?
Probably not time to rejoice: you may have an infestation of rats!!!
( Vambo, Sat 20 Apr 2013, 23:18, 9 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Pretend your phone doesn't work, by being on O2 and having the audacity to make outgoing calls indoors on a Saturday or Sunday, in an area with "good coverage indoors and outdoors".
You'll be able to hear incoming calls perfectly, but if you want to call someone you'll have to try calling them ten times, of which nine will fail.

If you do manage to get connected, you'll have to scream at the top of your voice in words of one syllable and repeat yourself at least three times for the person at the other end to understand you.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 20 Apr 2013, 22:43, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Whisper into your sleeping girlfriends ear 'didnt they do well, didnt they do well'
To make her have dreams of Bruce Forsyth.
Similar results can be achieved with mavis off of coronation street/Les Dennis, and 'come on down!'/Leslie Crowther.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 20 Apr 2013, 14:55, Reply)

Make your iPhone battery last longer
By not getting it out all the fucking time.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 19 Apr 2013, 18:09, Reply)

Pretend you just bought a new Iphone
by taking your old Iphone, filing a bit off the corners, and setting fire to £500.
(username failed moderation, Fri 19 Apr 2013, 16:50, Reply)

The Weather Girls.
With the average male weighing in at 12 stone, and accelerating toward the ground at terminal velocity of roughly 125 MPH.
I would seek immediate shelter under a solid structure and not, singing hallelujah or thanking your god in the event that it does start raining men.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 19 Apr 2013, 9:06, Reply)

Be praised by your local authority for slimming your bin, by simply dumping all your rubbish somewhere else.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 12:02, Reply)

A cigarette filter, a length of cotton and a modified Barbie doll filled with red food colouring
combine to make an excellent teaching aid for young girls entering womanhood. A 4mm drill bit, when making the modifications, ensures a snug fit.
( Muns, Fri 12 Apr 2013, 13:32, Reply)

Pretend you dont have the internet
by joining talk talk
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 12 Apr 2013, 11:37, Reply)

Put some parsley on your cheese on toast
So women think you can cook.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 12 Apr 2013, 11:36, Reply)

Everybody likes a good stretch
after they've been sitting down for a long time. However, have your stretch before getting up and going through to the kitchen so your kids don't ask "Mum, why's Dad walking like a robot?"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 12 Apr 2013, 9:25, Reply)

Make people think you're Rik from The Young Ones
By spitting the name "Thatcher" every time you use it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 15:44, Reply)

Don't keep coins in your ashtray.
If you have concerns about theft, remove any valuables from your car before handing the keys to a third party.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 9:41, Reply)

Pretend you just took your
car to a hand wash and vacuum place, by removing all the coins from the ashtray, and giving them to a Romanian person, removing and throwing away half the stuff in your boot, and pouring a mixture of bleach and cheap shitty air freshener into the vents on the dashboard.
(username failed moderation, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 15:14, Reply)

Parents:
ensure lifelong popularity with your child by referring to 70s TV classic Chorlton and the Wheelies as 'Chorlton and the Wee-wees'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 9:49, Reply)

make a mask out of a vertically mounted tissue box
then enjoy the whole world in portrait hipster vision.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 18:03, Reply)

Pretend to be a tramp
by asking a stranger to loan you 10 pence, on the assumption you are going to buy a cup of tea with it.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 18:01, Reply)

HOMOSEXUALS
Help disguise your affliction by deep frying your quiche.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 17:58, Reply)

Save time having to clean your toilet regularly.
Piss in the sink and leave the tap on.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 1:00, Reply)

Recreate that Luxury Hotel experience at home
by stocking your fridge with small cans of Heineken, fun-size Cokes, vodka miniatures and mini Toblerones, and then being scared to touch any of them.
(costas, Sat 6 Apr 2013, 22:57, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

WOMEN
Lose those last few troublesome pounds when dieting, by eating some bad meat.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 10:31, Reply)

Warn a smug person that he is unwise to bring clever words to a battle of wits
as you never turn up unarmed, and are going to clobber him with a sword instead.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 4 Apr 2013, 20:23, Reply)

Paint your index finger brown. People will believe you're a b3ta mod.

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 4 Apr 2013, 12:30, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Cheer yourself up
by being Hitler on a day out.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Apr 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Eggs.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 4 Apr 2013, 11:01, Reply)

Cheer yourself up
By going to Hull for a day out.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 3 Apr 2013, 14:46, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Ibuleve gel
Rubbed on the penis before sex, to 'make it last longer' doesn't work.
If anything I thought it made the whole thing worse.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 3 Apr 2013, 14:45, Reply)