Has your life lost any sense of meaning, and you're thinking of ending it all?
Man the fuck up.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 8 May 2013, 15:53, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

If you think you thought you saw me try
Then I suggest that every whisper of every waking hour, you choose your confessions - like a hurt, lost, and blinded fool.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 8 May 2013, 15:47, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Show the world you don't give a fuck
by driving your convertible sports car with the roof up when it's sunny and warm.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Wed 8 May 2013, 14:52, Reply)

Max Clifford
Avoid the PR disaster that a long drawn out trial will cause you by taking your own life.
( Muns, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:39, Reply)

Persuade everyone that you were a successful entertainer in the seventies
by fabricating yourself a history of child fucking.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:29, Reply)

Dogs,
Make people aware of the fact you are a Yorkshire Terrier, by being a yappy little shit.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:15, Reply)

Yorkshiremen,
Make people aware of the fact you are from Yorkshire, without going to the trouble of constantly telling them that you are from Yorkshire, by speaking with that funny accent they do up there.
(username failed moderation, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:11, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Liven up your sex life
by inviting strangers off the street to take turns on your wife while you wank in the cupboard.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:09, Reply)

Is there a row going on down near Slough?
If so, it might be advisable to sup up your beer and collect your fags.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 May 2013, 16:50, Reply)

Sew up the waist and cuffs of a pair of gents zip fly trousers
to make an unusual and spacious purse.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 7 May 2013, 14:39, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

No decent programming with which to fill your weekly schedules?
Simply convince a never-ending procession of vacuous nothings that five minutes' ridiculing by the likes of Simon Cowell will make them rich and famous.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 7 May 2013, 11:32, Reply)

Lie on top of yourself for half an hour and it will feel like you're watching porn.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 May 2013, 10:38, Reply)

Local authorities! Do you have a problem with speeding motorists?
Put up temporary traffic lights on any straight bit of main road that's longer than about 50 yards, preferably near junctions with busy A-roads or the motorway. Make sure each lane gets 4-5 uninterrupted minutes on green, that way long queues will form on the other lane and congestion will spill over into adjacent streets.

A few sets of lights in strategic places will bring down the average speed of traffic in your town to under 5 mph in daylight hours.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 5 May 2013, 15:59, Reply)

Make your woman think....
...she is having an early morning cuntmunch from Barry White by filling her cod socket with sulfur hexafluoride while she sleeps.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Sun 5 May 2013, 1:32, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

No Job? No Money? Female?
Then why not have a baby????
( Vambo, Sat 4 May 2013, 22:19, Reply)

A coffin lined with Toblerone would make a delicious medieval torture device.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 3 May 2013, 15:40, Reply)

To separate out the nuts, raisins and chocolate from a bar of Cadburys Fruit and Nut
Simply fire it at an angle into a Toblerone.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 3 May 2013, 14:34, Reply)

Conservatives: Worried about the embarrasment of losing a metric shipload of councillors in local elections, due to public dissatisfaction with your being a bunch of amoral incompetent feckwits?
Why not breach long-established parliamentary convention, and invoke an old and obscure piece of legislation in order to simply ignore the results of the democratic process? It's worked well for you before.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 3 May 2013, 13:59, Reply)

Enjoy 'free' carling lager
by putting bottles of cold piss into a sodastream.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 3 May 2013, 13:44, Reply)

Yorkshiremen,
Make people aware of the fact you are from Yorkshire, by constantly telling them that you are from Yorkshire.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 3 May 2013, 13:43, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Lie on top of your wife for half an hour
to make it feel like your sleeping with someone elses wife.

Or, in the alternative, unintentionally asphyxiate her.

(Edit: Actually, that would genuinely work, although it would be a case of sleeping with someone elses wife without consent. Especially if she starts shouting "Get off of me, it's hurting, why are you doing this?" etc.)
( Muns, Fri 3 May 2013, 12:56, Reply)

Lie on top of your bed for half an hour to make it feel like you're sleeping at someone else's.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 May 2013, 12:23, Reply)

Compensate for your lack of social skills and crushing loneliness
by having the last word in any internet conversation.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 3 May 2013, 11:43, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

ful evry1 in2 fnkn yr stupd or yung by nt typin propa

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 3 May 2013, 10:53, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Speed up the process of inserting tampons
By loading them into a Nerf gun and 'shooting up'.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 2 May 2013, 14:48, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

AB disappeared from about your bins?
Probably not time to rejoice: you may be a tedious bore!!!
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 2 May 2013, 4:53, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Lie on top of your penis for half an hour to make it feel like you're pleasuring somebody else.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 1 May 2013, 15:55, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Cat died?
Probably not time to rejoice:
Quantum mechanics may be breaking down and it could be the end of the universe.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 1 May 2013, 14:34, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Pretend you are a ginger
By staying indoors if the sun comes out.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 1 May 2013, 14:24, Reply)

Properly maintained, your right hand makes an inexpensive and considerate "woman".

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 1 May 2013, 10:10, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)