Elephants - avoid getting butter on your paws by not hiding in fridges.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 19 Jun 2013, 8:55, Reply)

Do lots of research, then tell everyone Global Warming is going to wreck the planet.
When the planet doesn't warm up, start calling it climate change.
(username failed moderation, Wed 19 Jun 2013, 8:52, Reply)

Elephants - Don't get into a Mini (two in the front two in the back)
You'll end up in Wales.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 18 Jun 2013, 15:25, Reply)

Convince people you are honest by
starting every reply with, "To be honest"
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 18 Jun 2013, 15:23, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Can't be arsed to address climate change?
Simply hold a never-ending series of annual meetings and summits where you refuse to commit to anything, all the while stroking your chins and agreeing that Yes, Something Really Should Be Done. You'll be dead by the time this comes to a head and it's only your kids who'll have to clean it all up, fuck 'em.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 17 Jun 2013, 22:34, 6 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Make People Think That You Are Attacking Your Wife
By grabbing her by the throat!
( Vambo, Mon 17 Jun 2013, 22:15, Reply)

Make your neighbours think that your lawnmower is broken...
...by standing looking at it in the garden while scratching your head. Every now and then try the switch and swear very loudly at it.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 16 Jun 2013, 11:28, Reply)

Make people think that you were a drummer in Spinal Tap
by choking on someone else's vomit, or dying in an inexplicable gardening accident.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 15 Jun 2013, 8:20, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Stop all those young girls going to the police
by putting them under your patio.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 11:29, Reply)

Dads.............
Avoid getting done for soliciting a woman for prostitution. This will remove the need for your son to be given the nickname 'kirby' throughout all of his high school career.
(Appleseed Is getting married 24/05/2014. All invited., Fri 14 Jun 2013, 11:19, Reply)

Spice up your sex life by playing 'Rodeo sex'
Simply do your girlfriend/wife from behind, give it a few mins and then call her by another bird's name. See how long you can stay on for. The longer you do, the more points you score.
(Appleseed Is getting married 24/05/2014. All invited., Fri 14 Jun 2013, 11:09, Reply)

Managers! Impress your Staff!!!
by knowing what you are fucking doing!
( Vambo, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 9:07, 6 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Avoid losing your job
by not sitting on b3ta all day
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 14:05, Reply)

Avoid having to deal with annoying digital rights management issues
by pirating all of your music and software.
( Muns, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 12:42, Reply)

Impress your manager
by whining about having so much work to do.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 10:13, Reply)

Demonstrate to people how serious you are
by starting every conversation with "I'm not being funny but..."
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 19:04, Reply)

When someone asks what time it is
glance at your watch and say, "It's either six-fifteen, or Micky has a hard-on." Guaranteed they'll ask somebody else.
( Sweeplovesfisting Take all your footballs home and burst them., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 7:21, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Convert all your MP3s to FLAC
and enjoy your music in full lossless quality.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 11 Jun 2013, 11:27, 4 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Don't put peas up your nose.

( 4Q just lurking, Mon 10 Jun 2013, 22:13, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

I don't need to pretend, I just

(username failed moderation, Mon 10 Jun 2013, 15:23, Reply)

Pretend that you can't submit a Top Tip properly,

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 10 Jun 2013, 0:44, Reply)

Play a real life game of Guess Who
by asking your wife if she has a beard before pushing her over.
(Eukanuba, Sun 9 Jun 2013, 13:38, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Break that awkward silence while riding in a lift...
...with flatulence.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sat 8 Jun 2013, 10:30, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Comfort your wife that she hasn't wasted her life being a paranoid misery
by going out on the piss all the time and sleeping around
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 18:59, Reply)

Stack everything in your fridge in size order,
starting with the heaviest at the bottom. To prevent it being too top heavy and falling over in the event of an earthquake.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 9:53, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Fellas,
have sex with your wife really badly, so she wont ask you to do it again.

Oh hang on, or do I mean the washing up...? I forget now.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 9:52, Reply)

Make people think you're a 1960s rock star
by choking to death on your own vomit.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 6 Jun 2013, 11:31, 4 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Fancy a fun night out but can't afford to?
Become a member of parliament and chuck it all in on expenses.

Also works for flat screen TVs.
(username failed moderation, Thu 6 Jun 2013, 9:05, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Fancy a fun night out but can't afford to?
Stay in instead.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 4 Jun 2013, 0:22, Reply)

Have you and three of your friends been sent to prison...
...by a military court for a crime you didn't commit?

Promptly escape from the maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Then, still wanted by the government, survive as soldiers of fortune. If someone has a problem, if no one else can help, and if they can find you Maybe they can hire... you and your three friends!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Mon 3 Jun 2013, 23:30, Reply)