Don't keep
your Anusol next to the Deep Heat muscle rub.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Dec 2014, 12:29, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

If your wife/girlfriend
asks if you fancy a 3-bird roast for Christmas, don't get your hopes up.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Dec 2014, 12:28, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Get carbon-neutral status by
burning a tyre every time you plant a tree.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Dec 2014, 12:26, Reply)

Be more efficient at work
by drinking in the morning fag break rather than lunch, saving valuable minutes/hours/days
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 4 Dec 2014, 12:10, Reply)

Have you got a female boss?
Spray your bollocks grey and place them on her desk, whacking them in front of her. This 'Newton's cradle' will definetely get you a pay rise in these frugal economic times.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 4 Dec 2014, 12:08, Reply)

instead of going to work all week and spending 2/5 of your pay on the weekend,
take tuesday and wednesday off, and then relax on the weekend
(softporn 70's sink fixer, Thu 4 Dec 2014, 8:09, Reply)

Middle aged men...
...Make people think that you've just been to the toilet, by using a cotton bud to dab a drop or water onto the front of your trousers...
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 4 Dec 2014, 0:37, Reply)

Delight your neighbours by turning your house into a giant advent calendar. Paint your windows black with white numbers on and hide festive pictures behind each one.
Then each day your neighbours can throw a brick through the corresponding window to reveal the picture.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 3 Dec 2014, 18:24, Reply)

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
It may have been given dry oats, or required to exercise vigorously without water, therefore making it irritable and likely to bite your face.
(username failed moderation, Wed 3 Dec 2014, 13:11, Reply)

You can lead a horse to water
but if you want to make it drink you need to feed it dry oats for several hours beforehand, or give him a good workout. Simple really.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 2 Dec 2014, 10:18, Reply)

If you insist on
hearing something straight from the horse's mouth - don't bother unless you can speak horse
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 30 Nov 2014, 14:08, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Continue
looking for a lost item after you've found it - then it won't be in the last place you look.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 30 Nov 2014, 14:03, Reply)

Get carbon-neutral status by
connecting your wanking arm to a dynamo that powers your smartphone when watching porn on it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 23 Nov 2014, 16:18, Reply)

If you get caught outside your female neighbours house in possession of a pair of binoculars,
Simply explain you are merely checking if she is using Aunt Bessies roast potatoes or Yorkshire puddings.
To make it more convincing, do it wearing womens clothes.
Old womans clothes...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 22 Nov 2014, 1:17, Reply)

Look really manly and have the ladies love you,
by growing a beard and then wearing leggings.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 18 Nov 2014, 12:08, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Can't afford expensive Chinese luxuries like Birds Nest Soup?
Instead of milk, pour hot water onto your Shredded Wheat.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 13 Nov 2014, 20:35, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Should a gypsy granny turn up on your doorstep trying to sell you wooden clothes pegs
smack her around the face with your tumble dryer as some sort of subtle hint about the merits of the mechanisation of laundry.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 12 Nov 2014, 3:08, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

If you can't remember what the skies were like when you were young:
Try visiting Watford, Watford, Watford.
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 13:16, Reply)

My top tip is to
top up your tip top tap with tip top.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Thu 6 Nov 2014, 18:34, Reply)

Having trouble getting decent coverage out of your emulsion?
Put some dogshit in it.

I can cover about 47 sqm of my hall carpet with about 50g of the stuff, using a shoe, so a good alsation sized turd will easily stretch to a 3 bedroom house.
(username failed moderation, Wed 29 Oct 2014, 17:22, Reply)

Having trouble getting decent coverage out of your emulsion?
Simply cry like a toddler at the miserable futility of it all you fucking clown
( pemulis, Wed 29 Oct 2014, 10:36, Reply)

Work stress? Sexual frustration? Carrying the weight of the world on you shoulders?
The low cost and hassle free solution is to kill your wife and children and then hang yourself.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 28 Oct 2014, 22:10, Reply)

Accroches-toi a ton reve.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 19 Oct 2014, 17:57, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Cheers.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 14 Oct 2014, 19:37, Reply)

Do you do one of those funny little sighs after you laugh?
stop it it's fucking irritating
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 13 Oct 2014, 15:58, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Bored?
Simply toss yourself off!
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 13 Oct 2014, 15:57, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Beef getting stale and past its use by date?
Simply toss it away.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 12 Oct 2014, 22:54, 1 reply, 10 years ago)