Central crushing chest pain radiating into your arm and neck and associated with sweating and breathlessness?
Take 2 paracetamol and drink plenty of fluids, there's a lot of it about at this time of year.
( Woo Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 16 Jan 2015, 10:32, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Getting fit for the new year? Taken up a new sport?
3 week old sprouts make excellent squash balls.
(username failed moderation, Wed 14 Jan 2015, 9:15, Reply)

Christmas is over
you can fucking shut up about sprouts now.
(username failed moderation, Fri 9 Jan 2015, 15:45, Reply)

Ensure people know you support a political cause by updating your Facebook status.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 Jan 2015, 10:08, Reply)

if you cant afford a decent t.v. just watch your shit one through binoculars
it makes everything look like imax
( R2Dtard LIFT the Epstein FUCKS Immediately!, Mon 5 Jan 2015, 16:53, Reply)

Voyeurs,
Before masturbating, sit on your hand AND your knob, so it feels like you're watching someone wank someone else off.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 5 Jan 2015, 9:28, Reply)

No spray, no lay
No splash, no gash
No Armani, no punani

freshen up, up, up
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sun 4 Jan 2015, 14:55, Reply)

surprise London Transport staff...
by cutting the chip out of your oyster card and fitting it in a wizard's wand. They get on the tube dressed as any fictitious wizard of your choice
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Sun 4 Jan 2015, 12:44, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Save money on expensive Top Tips
by reusing ones from a previous newsletter
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 4 Jan 2015, 10:16, Reply)

Save money on expensive 'oysters' by eating a used condom from an egg shell.

(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 4 Jan 2015, 0:32, Reply)

Save money on expensive 'oyster mushrooms' by stir-frying discarded posties' rubber bands instead.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 2 Jan 2015, 21:39, Reply)

See yesterday's weather
Can't remember when it rained yesterday? You can check on the BBC weather site. Type in "?day=-1" at the end of the URL.

It should look like this:
www.bbc.co.uk/weather/2643743?day=-1
(WiggZ, Tue 30 Dec 2014, 0:08, Reply)

stay about from my bin lorry

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 23 Dec 2014, 22:11, Reply)

Convince your children you hate
them by making them eat sprouts.

Or fucking cabbages*


*not 'fucking' cabbages. Not in front of the kids, anyway. And I'm talking about food, not people in wheelchairs.

Fuck off.
(username failed moderation, Mon 22 Dec 2014, 13:36, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

You know I love you so baby please don't go.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 22 Dec 2014, 10:59, Reply)

Convince tables they've shrunk
by putting babies on cabbages or something
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 21 Dec 2014, 17:31, Reply)

Convince cabbages that they've shrunk...
...By putting them on a metre wide plate in front of a fat man dressed as a baby.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 21 Dec 2014, 8:33, Reply)

convince children that they've shrunk
by serving them dinner on a metre wide plate with cabbages in place of sprouts
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 20 Dec 2014, 16:41, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

convince children that you're magic
by telling them that sprouts are actually cabbages that you've shrunk
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 19 Dec 2014, 18:48, Reply)

Baby please don't go down to New Orleans.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Dec 2014, 10:18, Reply)

Baby please don't go.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 17 Dec 2014, 14:04, Reply)

Don't go.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 17 Dec 2014, 11:24, Reply)

Don't go chasing waterfalls.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 16 Dec 2014, 12:52, Reply)

Just get your cock out
you will be surprised at what happens.
( $$ ✅, Tue 16 Dec 2014, 9:59, Reply)

Raise the roof, because it's all on fire.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 12 Dec 2014, 15:07, Reply)

You got to freshen up, freshen up for the ladies

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 11 Dec 2014, 19:29, Reply)

Don't keep your anus next to the deep muscle,
or something
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 10 Dec 2014, 14:13, Reply)