Masturbating in the train?
Best to do it in the toilet otherwise you might upset people
( pemulis, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:11, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Confuse the world,
by being homosexual drunken bakers and refusing to make cakes for anybody.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 20 May 2015, 18:19, Reply)

Enjoy all the fun of the fair
by staying in and drinking a litre of cheap sherry.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 20 May 2015, 10:58, Reply)

Convince people you are a sex offender,
By going to the train station with binoculars and a notepad.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 20 May 2015, 10:58, Reply)

Want your missus to be back earlier than planned?
simply type 'youporn' into google.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 17 May 2015, 14:37, Reply)

Here's a tip, fuck off.

( $$ ✅, Wed 13 May 2015, 13:28, Reply)

Convince people you are the leader of a political party
by resigning before lunchtime
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 8 May 2015, 20:02, Reply)

Labour.
Get into power, by not being quite so shit.
( Muns, Fri 8 May 2015, 14:34, 2 replies, latest was 7 years ago)

Hear that, Mr Clegg?
The coalition is like prison. If you bend over, you'll get fucked.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 8 May 2015, 6:11, Reply)

Vote tangledupinblue

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 6 May 2015, 20:45, Reply)

Government Security Agencies: Organise a 'Prophet Mohammad Cartoonathon',
And the nutcases will come to you without you having to look for them.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 5 May 2015, 16:13, Reply)

Wrongfoot GCHQ snoops listening on your illicit phone drug deals
by referring to Special K as 'Ketamine' and having nothing on you when you bust you in the cereal aisle of Tesco. Imagine their embarrassment!
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 29 Apr 2015, 19:51, Reply)

Refugees!
Don't forget to pack your life jackets!
( pemulis, Tue 21 Apr 2015, 18:18, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

If, for a reason that at the time seemed a perfectly logical dare,
DONT stand on something to enable you to put your penis into a Dyson Airblade hand dryer, as it feels like its ripping the skin off and is still tender the following day.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 18 Apr 2015, 10:55, Reply)

Hot Balls
Try an ice cube !
(fire_exit, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 22:56, Reply)

Just had a really smelly shit? Light a match.
Your toilet will now smell of both horrible poo and burnt matches.
( krang, Sat 11 Apr 2015, 23:03, Reply)

Add a dash of Worcestershire Sauce to your Bloody Mary
to hide the abhorrent flavours of all the other ingredients.
( krang, Sat 11 Apr 2015, 23:01, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

If you're feeling tired
try sleeping for a while. If it's not a convenient place or time to sleep, a little sit down might do the trick.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 10 Apr 2015, 14:30, Reply)

If you have any toilet cleaner left over
it makes a perfectly good cola
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 8 Apr 2015, 22:13, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

If you have any leftover cola that's gone flat, it makes a perfectly good toilet cleaner

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 7 Apr 2015, 11:59, Reply)

Pretend you're a black stand up comedian
By laughing at how stupid white people are.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 6 Apr 2015, 15:02, Reply)

Lefties
watch all tv via a mirror and everyone looks normal
(bottle_cap, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 22:35, 1 reply, 11 years ago)