Pretend to be a cunt
Then when people treat you like a cunt you can relax in the knowledge they only treat you like a cunt because you act like one.

Thusly you can sleep at night without wondering such damning questions such as 'Why does everbody hate me?'

And you'll never hang yourself.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 23:43, Reply)

TOP TIP: New b3ta dudes
Stop posting messages in Talk complaining about how you don't understand the rules.

Butch up, bend over and post.
(mingeswingers, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 20:32, Reply)

Another Cinema tip
*Only for people who like popcorn*

If you have a cinema where popcorn is self service. Go and take a bag of sweets e.g. minstrels, get an empty popcorn box, start putting popcorn in it, drop the bag of sweets in the popcorn box, keep filling it up to the top.

Pay for the popcorn with bag of sweets inside. Go into your film and eat the popcorn until you reveal your bag of sweets.

I used to do this every week until the Odeon moved the popcorn behind the till.
(Kierz, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 10:09, Reply)

Musicians
If you're trying to learn the bassline from a song but are finding it hard to hear under vocals/guitar/etc, put the song on fairly loud in an upstairs room, put the speakers on the floor, and go and listen from downstairs.

Similarly, I always find it easier to pick out guitar parts obscured by other parts by playing the song and leaving the room (with the door left open). Somehow guitar always seems to carry through rooms better than everything else.

And another one, sometimes playing the song on headphones and removing one headphone will help (as long as the song is in stereo, natch).
(SJH, Sat 16 Feb 2008, 16:41, Reply)

Like sneezing?
Using thumb and forefinger, pull out a small clump of nose hairs. Just grit yer teeth and do it.
A good cluster of sneezes is practically guaranteed, especially if you stare at a bright light just after you've torn out the hairs.
It's the gift that just keeps giving!

(Not recommended if you dislike sneezing/suspect you may follow through)
( Sea Tramp the thinking woman's 8 Ace, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 15:56, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When in the Arctic
Don't use a stainless steel flask unless it's covered/wrapped with something, otherwise your hand sticks to it when you remove your gloves and pick it up.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 12:02, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Glass rods get grumpy when you use oxy-acetylene on them.
A propane torch works better as it burns cooler and won't cause your glass rods to shatter from heating too fast.

Similarly, when melting glass rods you don't really want to use a scrap of leftover ceramic tile as a work surface if you're being dumb enough to use oxy-acetylene, as it will pop apart violently and sent extremely hot bits in directions you don't want.

Glass is very snarky stuff.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 14 Feb 2008, 20:00, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

100% successful, sure-fire, tried and tested cure for hiccups
Got hiccups? want rid of them? got 30 seconds to spare?

then this is for you!

1. take a deep breath. not so deep that you feel completely full of air, but pretty deep.

2. holding in the first breath take another. this will top up the first breath you have taken. at this point you will have altered your bad posture to accomodate more air.

3. holding all this in, take another breath. by this point you should be as full of air as you can possibly be and should almost be standing on tip toes as your body struggles to float away. (may not be true)

4. hold all this air in as long as possible. I usually manage about 10 seconds as you are so full it escapes.

5. breath out

6. enjoy not having hiccups

Provided you do this correctly your hiccups will have gone. I've done it probably 10 times without fail and have got at least 3 others to try it with a 100% success rate.

Enjoy. spread the love
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 14:25, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

its..
mayonnaise is white paint.or vice versa.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Tue 12 Feb 2008, 21:24, Reply)

oooo i have one...
If you're a girl and a guy breaks up with you
and you say you still want to be
friends......DONT GET YOUR FCUKING MATE TO
HARRASS HIM BY TEXTING HIM AT STUPID HOURS
DEMANDING YOU PROVE YOURSELF TO HER!!!!....
he just might change his mind.


of course this is aaaaall hyperthetical
(kristofski6992, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 17:31, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

As many know I've recently had 2 of my ribs cracked in a random street assault.
Here are some (unusually) serious tips I've learned for anyone who gets similarly disadvantaged on how to deal with the pain and repair period:

At first it doesn't seem too bad, but the pain gets worse before things get better. Co-codamol 30/500 tablets are great for pain relief but you will need to get them prescribed, as the nerves regenerate where your ribs are cracked they'll feel like a knife attack whenever you move, so you will need these or something similar, but follow the instructions EXACTLY and never take more than recommended nor mix with paracetamol, or you can face irreversible liver damage. Seriously.

During the first few weeks it's best to move as little as possible, and if you cough or, heaven forbid, sneeze, you will often hear a crack and it will hurt like hell and you can be floored for hours as things start to re-settle themselves, so here are some ways to help:

Simply holding your nose and gently massaging it will end the urge to sneeze, you can't always catch 'em in time, but this will stop one you feel coming on.

You must cough and take deep breathes as much as possible, like once every few hours, even tho every fibre of your being says not to, or you will get pneumonia as fluids collect in your lungs. Standing and getting a cushion or pillow and pressing it to the affected area as you do so helps loads. There is nothing anyone can do about the pain of doing this and I must admit I avoided it on my worst days, but a hug afterwards helps.

You may have to sleep sitting up to stop the 'weight on the heart' feeling that comes from laying down, make a 'ramp' from lots of pillows and cushions, but if you really have to lay on your side to get some good sleep, then a small cushion under the gap beneath the shoulder coupled with a rolled one to hold in the arms seemed to work well for me.

You occasionally get this awful feeling like something is putting pressure on your chest and you can't breath, try not to panic, this is normal, try to ride thru it, but if you really can't get a breathe, don't be afraid to get driven to A&E or call 999, better safe than sorry.

It takes 4-6 weeks for this to heal, just take it easy and no matter how bored or frustrated you get, try and stay in bed and do bugger all for the first couple of weeks. Stay off the pills and booze as much as you can to try and keep your body healthy, only use 'em if you really need 'em, night time is the worst, if you can't sleep, just rest and find something to entertain yourself and take cat naps when you can.

A hot water bottle on the area helps.

It's nearly been a month now for me and I'm just getting right again, my left arm and shoulder joint is still not right and is weaker than my right, and I still get pain if I do too much with it so I still have a way to go, but my ribs and lungs seem to be working OK now and everything seems to be steadily repairing.

So you need patience and time and pain relief, but it does repair eventually, just keep plodding on, and don't try too hard.

Hope that helps someone.
( ..wil, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 17:13, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

ADSL Faults
If you are having an issue with an ADSL connection try removing the power from your modem/router for 10 minutes before connecting it all back up again. This will fix at least 90% of problems, guarenteed.

Oh, and if you are unable to do the most simple computer-based tasks and generally have no clue as to the operation of your "slightly out-of-date" Windows 98 machine there is a group of similarly minded people you may be interested in joining, you can find their website and how to join them here
(KangerooFlapjack, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 9:29, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Potential ambulance service punters and relatives
1) Don't greet us with the words "you'll need a stretcher". If you're an accountant, would you expect me to come to your work and say "you'll need a calculator"? No...then fuck off.

2) If you call an ambulance, make some kind of effort to make yourself/your house visible. Turning on an outside light. Getting someone to stand outside to wave us down (see point 3). Giving the operator an idea of local landmarks. Saying "I'm in Newcastle"does NOT help....)

3) If you are aforementioned waving gimp. A simple sticking out of hand as if you were hailing a taxi will suffice. Performing actions that make you look like an epileptic mating with a windmill will not expedite our arrival. In fact we may just drive past for the hell of it.

4) If you got yourself upstairs, you can sure as fuckery get yourself downstairs.

5) Abdominal pain does not affect the motor function of the legs. You can still walk.

6) If I came and sat in your house, pissed on the floor, threw up on myself and fell asleep on a chair, you may be put out. So don't do it on my fucking ambulance.

7) Don't even fucking think about hitting me. I hit back. Harder. And I can kill you and leave no trace.

8) Unless there is a very good reason, you go to the A&E of my choice. Good reasons include a: it's a skive b: it's a fun drive c: it's about lunchtime and the canteen is good d: the nurses are all sluts and e: because I'm a vindictive bastard.

9) Did I mention that if you do succeed in assaulting me, my friends the police will make sure you get nicked. And hurt. And will causally remark to some of their sources inside that you are a kiddie fidler.

10) Grannies pay attention: if you have chest pain, don't wait until the morning to call because "you didn't want to be a bother." Trust me, be a bother (this is probably the most serious point - if you have chest pain, call 999/911 for fuck's sake!)

11) If you've been drinking, don't lie about the amount. We're not fucking cretins.

12) If you've taken drugs, tell me. I can guess. And so can the purple elephant. Trust me, the majority of us have experienced unofficial medication in the past, so we know when we are being lied to.

13) Girls: if your mate is lying on the ground vomiting after downing 15 shots of sambuca, do not tell us her drink has been spiked. Your friend looks like something the japanese would kill for research. It would take something that would normally be used for anaesthetising bull elephants to bring her down, and nobody, not even a raving pervert, would shag it.

14) Being above the 5th floor in a block of flats is a capital offence.

15) If your first words to us are "you took your time" then they may also be your last.

16) Living in the middle of nowhere has its advantages. It also means that it may take a bit of time to get to you. We drive vans, not the starship enterprise.

17) If you are a scrote, and you are cold and fancy going to the A&E for a bit of food and a cup of tea...tell me. Don't lie and say you have chest pain.

18) We can spot a fake fit 5 miles off.

19) If you have a very sick baby, an ambulance crew will appear behind you by magic.

20) We do care, but the job does get to you. So please take the cynicism, sick humour and bad fucking temper with a pinch of salt. Especially if you call me out at 5 minutes before shift end.
Thanks to bwts.org with some of this stuff. Believe me, it's all true...
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 12 Feb 2008, 6:03, 14 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Dry mouth?
Go somewhere foggy and breathe REALLY heavily for a while.

Alternatively;

Fast for 2 days then stand outside your favourite restaurant until someone receives your favourite dish.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 17:18, Reply)

Trying to polish a turd?
Bake it dry in a domestic oven, then apply several coats of varnish. Simple.
( Smallbrainfield, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 12:36, Reply)

Freedom of religion is useful, but...
When you get to be the Archbishop of Canterbury, don't say that the adoption of sharia law in England is unavoidable.
(not here, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 1:42, Reply)

Optivita
Don't eat this the night before a long car journey with the chance of traffic jams.
DAMHIKT.
It wasn't pretty
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 9 Feb 2008, 16:33, Reply)

Internet dating
OK, here's a set of tips for women on internet dating, based on actual personal experience.

When setting up the profile:

Make sure your actual age is the age listed. Guys may not be real smart, but nothing KILLS (in a serious, terminate with extreme prejudice, U.S. vs. Abu Musab Al Zarqawi kind of way as seen at www.break.com/index/baddayzarq.html) a first date quicker than finding out your date is both OLDER and LESS HONEST than initially thought.

If your friends look JUST LIKE YOU, (a frighteningly common occurence in L.A.), don't put multiple group photos of them with you in your profile, as we hate having to guess which one you are.

No shots of you drinking. Definitely not 3 or more shots of you drinking.

The date itself:

Do not announce, after your date has already made plans to meet for glorious burritos and guacamole that he has been craving all day, that you do not eat after 7pm and would therefore prefer to find a Starbucks, Satan's own portal into the earthly realm. (Yes, that's why there are so many of them.)

If you are a hardcore christian, do not make a date with an atheist thinking that you will be extra clever and convert him. Most of us non-believers aren't going to be obnoxious about it, but we ARE members of the fastest growing belief system, and given that we have logic and common sense on our side, we're more likely to convert you than vice-versa.

Especially do not do both of the above on the same date. Doing so gives your date fond thoughts of the Romans and their pet lions.

If we meet in a restaurant that's at a normal room temperature, then please take off your winter coat. Especially if the coat or a similar garment has been in all of your profile photos. You don't have to disrobe completely, but it's odd if you're bundled up while eating. (Unless of course, you're covering up a body so guivering with smoldering passion that you need it on as a reminder to keep yourself from ravishing your date right then and there. Note to self: Call this one back.)

The follow up:

Do not call or text your date to explain what a fantastic time you had, only to refuse to return his follow-up call. If you're done, DON'T CALL. (Guys, if she doesn't return the second call, give up.)

Do not send an e-mail with an itemized series of paragraphs as to why your date is a bad person and why things would never work out between the two of you after the FIRST DATE.


But none of you b3ta ladies would ever do such things, so this post is wholly pointless.

(That said, should any of you ladies fancy a fairly tall and enormously fat man with a dubious sense of humor who's trying to overcome his inability to remain employed for more than a few months at a time, you know how to reach me. Don't all reach for the keyboard at once.)
(not here, Sat 9 Feb 2008, 13:36, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

The Motorboat
I have a tip for the young woman with ample bosoms (Chakaflange) who posted about the odd young man who buried his face between them and made a noise she could "only describe as "BRRRRRRBLLLBBB-BLLLLBBBLLRRRRRRRR!""

In America, that act, while not usually done in a non-consensual manner, is referred to as a "motorboat", in that the sound made is the same sound small children use to imitate motorboats.
(not here, Sat 9 Feb 2008, 12:49, Reply)

apo-dap
if eating bran flakes for breakfast, replace the milk with orange juice and sprinkle on some rasins.

trust me

just trust me
(apo-dap, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 17:10, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

When breaking up with your significant other..
Do it by text.It saves you having to listen to them cry/whine/beg etc
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 14:58, Reply)

more of a request for tips
I have a sure-fire cure for hiccups; none of this 15 sips of water bollocks, all you need is yourself.

however, I'm so convinced that it is the perfect technique that I don't want to reveal it to just anyone.

anyone got any ideas of how I can make money from it?

so far the method has a 100% success rate from about 5 people (as long as they can properly follow instructions)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 11:47, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Hangover from hell?
Try drinking Dandelion and Burdock pop. Its the nectar of the gods when it comes to clearing up those pesky morning after problems.
(TC, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 11:30, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This kinda comes under the category of stealing but...
Buy your CDs / DVDs from any high-street shop (one that doesn't use the extra plastic security cases),
take the media out of the shop & put it in your car / hand it to the missus,
Take the empty bag & reciept back into the shop,
Browse a while before taking the same media to the till to get a refund!
The beauty of this one is that securty don't bat an eye because you're plainly taking it to the till and the alarms don't go off because you haven't tried to take it out of the shop.
( BubaMan 3 conspiracy nuts walk into a bar... Coincidence?, Tue 5 Feb 2008, 21:58, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Free Cinema
I used to do this one as a kid but it still stands up today...

If you are going to the cinema in groups of 3 or more, buy just 2 tickets, go in with one of your party, then take both ticket stubs out & hand one to another in your party.
Repeat as necessary.

*feels no guilt for passing this one on as cinema tickets are £6 these days*
( BubaMan 3 conspiracy nuts walk into a bar... Coincidence?, Tue 5 Feb 2008, 21:50, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Never under any circumstances...
... Play leapfrog with a unicorn.
(The Beardy Weirdy "A day without a buzz is a day that never wuzz", Tue 5 Feb 2008, 15:53, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Hiccyups
Absolutely amazing this one, worked for me perfectly.

When gripped by those dreadful hiccups that seem to control your whole body and just won't go away, take 15 VERY SMALL sips of water, (only works with water) and they vanish! I was astonished!

Certainly beats trying to hold your breath and annoyingly hiccuping half way through :(
(dragondracus, Tue 5 Feb 2008, 13:58, Reply)

campers/festival-goers!
paint your tent pegs with luminous paint to avoid tripping over them in the dark! ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 3 Feb 2008, 17:37, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Are you an unpleasant, thoughtless and selfish cunt who is seeking a new job?
Then why not join many like minded folks at Virgin Media. Not only will you fit in immediately you'll be able to impose your general shittyness on many members of the general public.
( dan j the filthy bastard, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 22:15, Reply)