Chip Pans
If you work at a data center in Houston, remember not to leave your chip pan on while you go for a piss.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 3 Jun 2008, 14:33, Reply)

Tip request.
Does anyone know how to soundproof a wall? It seems the builders of the new apartment I moved into forgot to soundproof the wall between the bathrooms. Laddo next door, takes a shower for an hour at 11pm every night and another hour shower at 7am every morning. After his shower he will stand there and blow his nose about 3 times and then go for a shit.
He normally goes for a piss at about 3.30pm and 6.45pm. The other day he must have had a visitor or drank more than normal as there was an additional piss at 8.17pm which really annoyed me.
(Miggyman, Fri 30 May 2008, 22:09, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

ugly women...
become better looking simply by moving north.
(tugger blah fucking blah, Fri 30 May 2008, 19:10, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Gurgle
Do the hot water pipes in your home gurgle when you hit them with a heavy book?

The simple solution is to not hit them with a heavy book.
(Ktulu O'Ryleh float like a turd, sting like chlamydia, Wed 28 May 2008, 23:55, Reply)

Run out of teabags?
Place a spoonful of tealeaves into the envelope from an after eight dinner mint (eat the mint first), glue the top shut then perforate the sides 1000 times with a pin.
(Ktulu O'Ryleh float like a turd, sting like chlamydia, Wed 28 May 2008, 23:20, Reply)

Boil things quicker, save the world!
In a bit of a rush to boil your spuds?

Cover the pan.

Saves all the heat energy from being lost to the ether, thus reducing the boiling time, and cooks yer food using half the energy you've previously used.

Plus in today's modern fossil fuel anxiety culture, you're helping save us all from imminent doom. Sort of.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Wed 28 May 2008, 16:07, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Need to kill a fly?
Wait for it to land than clap a few inches above it. Flies jump right before they start flying, so as it jumps it ends up between your hands.

It's messy but it works.
(Belgaer is, Tue 27 May 2008, 0:38, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Don't like your monitor?
To get a new monitor, place a nail here [X] and hammer.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 26 May 2008, 12:56, Reply)

Party Poppers.
1, Carefully remove cardboard end
2, Remove all the stringy nice bits
3, Replace with tomato ketchup or you own choice of kitchen/bathroom delights.
4, Replace cardboard end
5, Complete this on an entire box, and let loose on unsuspecting partygoers
(spaceswitch is gonna gay ya, on, Sat 24 May 2008, 14:59, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

eBay business sellers
Terms and conditions are important in case of a dispute, but some of us would actually like to read something about the product being sold.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 24 May 2008, 10:11, Reply)

Online Selling
My old grandmother used to tell me that a "watched eBay sale gathers no bids"

Something like that, though I imagine the nearest she got to computers was watching William Hartnell on Dr Who.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 23 May 2008, 23:51, Reply)

Exams
Make your teenage kids more inclined to revise for their GCSEs by hiding their fucking PS3.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 23 May 2008, 23:49, Reply)

Annoy physicists
by graffiti-ing E=MC³ on their belongings.
(antonym, Fri 23 May 2008, 20:47, Reply)

Top Tips
Save yourself a good half hour by not writing about 7 admittedly repetitive but still better than half the shit on here Top Tips and then posting them only to return a day or so later and find that some total fucking spunk dentured retard has deleted the cunting lot, probably whilst they abused their own children, the fucking bubble faced wank-turbans.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Fri 23 May 2008, 16:58, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Your CEOs retirement
Don't get drunk, stand next to the CEO and strike up a conversation where he gets to ask you questions about golf.

You will inevitably respond like a cretin by saying something like 'Golf is wank, I do drinking instead.'
( Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Fri 23 May 2008, 16:19, Reply)

Bigoted racist colleagues
Upset your right-wing colleagues by responding with 'don't worry, I'm not offended' every time they speak.
( Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Fri 23 May 2008, 15:54, Reply)

Annoy your facebook friends
by constantly changing your status, marital/relationship status and religious views to completely nonsensical combinations.

Guaranteed to get reactions of 'what - you broke up?'
( Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Fri 23 May 2008, 15:52, Reply)

Annoy sarcastic people
by pretending to take everything they say at face value.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 21 May 2008, 13:05, Reply)

Double your petrol mileage
by putting half petrol and half water in the tank
(xwoody01, Mon 19 May 2008, 16:11, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Don't have anything to contribute to this weeks QOTW?
Try reading a fucking book, instead of moaning.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Mon 19 May 2008, 14:14, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Use B3ta to vent and air your problems about the opposite sex?
Dont! cause it might turn out the girl you really like has friends on B3ta who twig who you are and show her your threads..............Thus ensuring an awkward and unpleasant weekend of one angry conversation then the whole "do i, dont i, text/call" bollocks.

P.S this is not a thinly veiled attempt to gain back some credibility.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 May 2008, 13:59, 1 reply, 17 years ago)