just before you bed that slapper, always remember
you can run from a kid, but you can't run from a disease.
(Handel blah blah blah, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 15:23, Reply)

Need Johnnies
but don't want to pay for them? Go to your doctor or local family planning clinic and ask for some. They will give you lots for free, any time you ask.

Really.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 15:10, Reply)

If in doubt...
...give it a clout.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 15:04, Reply)

child abuse is not funny
it's hillarious
(branflakes, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 15:03, Reply)

run out of coathangers?
use a car aerial bent into the right shape instead.
(Handel blah blah blah, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 15:02, Reply)

Don't turn on the light if you can smell gas!
Keep a candle and some safety matches handy for use in such emergencies.
( Lord & Lady Pants, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:53, Reply)

Jiz
After a raunchy night with someone in bed, always check that your partner hasn't spat out your man goo into the glass of water next to the bed before you drink it all.

This happened to me, which was interesting.
( Actually i was skiving on, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:53, Reply)

top tip
mind the gap
(Handel blah blah blah, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:16, Reply)

top tip
mind how you go
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:15, Reply)

Avoid washing up
If grilling food or sometimes with ovening(?!) line the tray with tin foil - when finished just throw it away: voila, no washing up.

If possible, always cook things in the recepticle you are going to eat them out of or the packet they came in.

The only cooking utensils you need are the knife and fork you are going to eat with.

Use the same coffee cup over and over again. If you're putting boiling water in it, any germs will be killed.

Leave a teaspoon in the coffee jar to use each time. You don't need to stir the coffee if you slosh the water in with enough vigour. (Similar for sugar but might need more stirring - I don't know).
( Actually i was skiving on, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:14, Reply)

TOP TIP
Never piss into the wind you might get wet.

Never tell anyone about your habit of touching little boys.

Regards

IAMYOUNOTME
(iamyounotme I'm a window licking retard, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:07, Reply)

I once got my ear pierced, and it swelled up to the size of a grapefruit!

Bah. Here's a top tip. Don't open two QOTW up at the same time. It only confuses the bloody shit out of people.
( __, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:02, Reply)

Top Tips
Everest: 8,848m
Ben Nevis: 1,344m
Mont Blanc: 4,808m

*gets coat in shameful pun*
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:01, Reply)

Sage Sage Advice ( not mine )
What's at the end of a cat's tail?


A cat.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 13:58, Reply)

Never..
rape an ant.
(Dekionplexis - Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 13:31, Reply)

Live in Kingsdown (kent) & want to avoid an explosive death?
Avoid digging in the ditch at the back of the garden (next to the footpath) as that's where I buried the 20lbs of experimental plastic explosive I found in my grandfathers workshop after he died (he helped develop it in the 1960's - '70s).

...try explaining that the police during the current terrorism climate!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 12:56, Reply)

Fed up with having to scrape baked beans from the bottom of the tin?
When you get the shopping home, put the beans away upside-down. Then, when you want to heat some up, merely open the pull ring and hold over the saucepan (open side down). Count to five slowly, and the beans will miraculously fall into the pan with a very satisfying slurp/plop noise. Hold it there for a couple of seconds more, then check inside…da daaa! there won’t be a single bean left in the can – I promise you.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 12:31, Reply)

New to prison life?...
...when showering, use shower gel and avoid being the one who has to pick up the dropped bar of soap!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 12:17, Reply)

Having trouble putting on a new duvet cover by yourself?
Nab yourself a couple of bulldog clips from your nearest stationary cupboard and use them to keep the corners at the end in place!
( Walrus Man Think hippy thoughts, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 12:07, Reply)

I may have overlooked this....
but if it's not on here I'm shocked:

(watch out where the huskies go and...)
don't you eat that yellow snow

(bonus points for naming the artist)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 12:06, Reply)

Bedroom Tips
Bin Cosmo and read this ..
tweekerchick.blogspot.com/2006/11/so.html
( Far Out Slave last ate at, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 12:05, Reply)

Pest control
Got slugs in your garden?
Get some hedgehogs to eat them.
Got too many hedgehogs in your garden?
Get some mongoose to get rid of 'em.
Mongoose problem?
Create a flamethrower out of a deoderant can and a lighter. Aim for the ground.
If that goes awry, remember:
1) Use your bucket of safety water, oh,
2) btw, have a bucket of safety water just in case things go awry and
3) In case of injury, you don't know me, you can't prove anything.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 12:03, Reply)

To amuse and impress attractive bar ladies....
When ordering a large round of drinks, if you are asked if you want a tray say: "No thanks, I've got enough to carry as it is!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 11:55, Reply)

don't
cross the streams...
(Handel blah blah blah, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 11:44, Reply)

winning bets
when you next have hiccups, wait for some nonse to bet you a tenner you can't do another one, then cough, this usually makes you hiccup again.
( Far Out Slave last ate at, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 11:23, Reply)

Lady bumps
If carrying object in each hand (eg. laptop and brief case) always make sure your blouse/shirt/whatever is firmly buttoned. You can do nothing about it until it is too later..no good doing it up red faced minutes later after the entire Picadilly line has had a good look.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 11:22, Reply)

Idiots at the petrol station....
save about 10 minutes every time you go to fill up by realising that it doesn't matter which side of the bloody car the petrol cap is on because the people who make petrol pumps cunningly make the hose long enough to reach around to the other side.

On seconds thoughts, don't do this.

it will remove the pleasure I get every time I go to the petrol station and drive past the morons waiting for the pump on the correct side. and mean it takes me longer to get my fuel.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 11:17, Reply)

Don't open the front door....
it could be a murderer
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 11:09, Reply)

Hello?
Want to get through to a subhuman on a company phone instead of the robot?

Try pressing #,* or 0 many many times as this can overload the machine's software, so will result in an "input failure" message in the computer, leading to you getting connected to a troll helpdesk specialist.

See here for more tips.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 10:51, Reply)