Safety first
Want to avoid getting run-over whilst crossing the road?

simply steal an owl egg and raise the baby owl to hoot once when it sees a car approaching and twice when it is clear to cross.

Then, fashion a klu klux klan-style hood out of leather and super glue the owls feet to the top of it. Make sure you put this on whenever you leave the house.

VOILA - you are now safe from becoming just another motoring statistic.
(Digstar fu#king loves biscuits, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 19:17, Reply)

Don't try self crucifixion
The last nail is a right bugger to get in
( Want Bartender Time gentlemen please.., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 18:56, Reply)

Don't piss on electric fires

( Want Bartender Time gentlemen please.., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 18:56, Reply)

Genuine Top Tip
I used to work with a bloke who'd keep a bar of standard soap in the top of his tool-box. This was not for washing his hands.. This was for preventing the accumulation of dirt and grease under his fingernails as he worked.

Before starting the day, he'd sit and carefully scratch at the well-sorn grooves in the soap thus filling the under-fingernail-gap with solid soap.

At the end of the day's work, he'd wash his hands and wash the soap out.

His fingernails were always spotless...

Remeber that next time your'e about to scurry under the car, or to work in the garden: It works a treat, and a bar of soap with scratch marks in it is always a good conversation point.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 17:15, Reply)

may fave Viz one of all time.
"Avoid wasting time with petty and anoying arguments by immediately punching the person with whom you dissagree"
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 17:11, Reply)

I freely admit I saw this in Viz, but it's bloody funny anyway
When mailing faeces to Gareth Gates, avoid getting poo on your tongue by using self-sealing envelopes.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 16:34, Reply)

Eyes
.
"The only way to safely scratch your eye is with your elbow."

Yeah? - So why the fuck have I got two dislocated shoulders then you bastards?

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 16:26, Reply)

South Pole
If you're stranded at the South Pole, don't hunt Polar Bears.

Go for Penguins instead. if you can get the wrappers off you might live.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 16:22, Reply)

don't assume

that if your mates like pornography, and the English soccer team, that logically they'd also like your pornography about the English soccer team.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 11:04, Reply)

if you have to assassinate a former Russian Spy:
remember to carefully leave a trail of radioactive toxins across England, as if you kept the stuff in a leaky fucking carrier bag, just so the good ol' gullible british Bobby can follow it and feel useful.

If you like, make a trail the whole way to the fucking Kremlin then sit back and watch hilarious incompetence ensue.
(Papagato RackSpanner, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 10:55, Reply)

VIZ
(..include viz top tips here..)
(Dr Slurkie Slurkie, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 10:47, Reply)

my top tips
suffering from the runs after a heavy night drinking and unable to control your bowel? - fashion a nappie out of a plastic carrier bag to wear in the shower in case you have an accident. This will make you avoid having to stand in your own watery-based turd.

Some drunken old cock shouting at you for "stealing my chair"? - punch him in the cock.
(wayneofthedead Dale Winton was my dad, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 10:23, Reply)

women in a Nick Cave song

get away - he's mad and means to kill you!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 8:13, Reply)

accidentally scratched your mums french polished table?
oops! if it's a light scratch, get a walnut (shelled, obviously) and rub it over the scratch. Watch it disappear before your very eyes!
(dominocat opinions only valid until, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 6:55, Reply)

Listen to the cricket on the Internet....
...which is the only thing you can do when your dad is downstairs hogging* the telly, watching porn!

bastard!

* if that's a euphemism that I've not heard of, I didn't mean it and god I hope it's not happening!
(Guinness2702 Meh! Do I look like I care?, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 5:15, Reply)

Lying.
If you have done something really stupid, tell the person who is angry with you that you have cancer.
(Avacado Platypus, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 0:58, Reply)

Table Tennis Balls
Dented your table tennis ball? Simply place the ball in a pan of boiling water and the dent will "magically" disappear!
(IHaveTheRightToArmBears, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 0:55, Reply)

A few more...
Never accept a drink off someone who sniffs his fingers.
Don't trust anyone who doesn't drink.
Always assume President Bush is talking shit.
Always assume Tony Blair is lying.
Your cock is big enough. Ladies' snatchboxes are fucking cavernous.
Dont bother with fucking idiots.
People who want to be in charge should not be allowed to be.
Sanuff sed.
(davemission Drinking too much for a change again as usual., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 0:49, Reply)

Hiccup Remedy
Breath in until your lungs feel relatively full, then without breathing out in between take a further short breath in until they feel like they are going to burst . Hold this breath for as long as you can, then release slowly.

This should flatten out your diaphragm and stop it from jumping which is what causes the hiccups in the first place.
( shovelboy This is bad - Two minutes to Belgium, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 0:36, Reply)

Har de har...
Yeah... I got a great tip...Tastes a bit salty though...AND it looks a bit like a cod's head...Yes I know- fucking grow up.*sighs*
(davemission Drinking too much for a change again as usual., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 0:22, Reply)

Umm...
Ice AND a slice? Not me! What a waste of valuable quaffing time. Do what Mrs Mission does and freeze ickle bits of lemonny goodness within the icey cubes prior to a piss- up. They are so much of a talking point, that no-body minds that the gin is, in fact, the cheapest fucking rubbish that Lidl's sells. Having said that, the bottled pils lager stuff from there is fucking immense. Move over Wifebeater!
(davemission Drinking too much for a change again as usual., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 0:01, Reply)

Keep tabs on your kids!*
Read b3ta!





*and nephew
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 22:35, Reply)

For tender, fragrant chicken breasts/legs/wings:
Marinate the meat in lemon juice for at least an hour. For delicious roast chicken: stick half an unwaxed lemon up its chuff (I also add half an onion, a large sprig of fresh thyme, two cloves of garlic, two chillis) and then coat the whole thing in olive oil, fresh ground black pepper, large crystal rock salt & ground herbs.

Yum
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 20:09, Reply)

.
To remove permenant marker, wipe with alcohol (vodka works best)

Keep fresh coffee in the freezer, keeps it's flavour longer

Need bubble wrap? Just nick it from the bananas in your local supermarket
(Laxly, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 19:58, Reply)

To clean smelly Neoprene products
Clean them in a solution of listerene and water.
( Logiconor ) (, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 19:15, Reply)

Up the choco alley everytime.
If you want to convice a woman to partake in anal sex with you and she will only take it up the normal'un. Take her in the 'doggy' position then lamp her over the back of the head with a heavy object.
No more objections.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 18:17, Reply)

Getting away with murder...
As an add on to Jonny Fatman's impecable advice on killing someone I thought I would add this tip.

Get about one pound, half a kilo, of tobacco and soak it in water for a few days until the water looks like the tea of the devil. Lift out the tobacco and strain hard into the "tea".

Put the container of water in either and oven on its LOWEST setting or leave it in a warm place to dry out. You will be left witha small amount of thick liquid like dark honey. This is almost pure nicotine. The stuff that gives you the buzz from ciggies.

Using a pippette or eye dropper, place about 5-8 drops into a cup of coffee for your victim and watch them keel over in a few minutes from heart failure.

This would work especially well if your victim smoked and drank heavily as the Doctors would simply assume natural death. Even if they did decide to test for toxins the raised levels of nicotine would most likely be attributed to the smoking over the years.

Not that I would do this of course. It's just a thought...
(71 hour Ahmed wasn't working at, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 16:24, Reply)

more culinary tips
- the fastest way to peel a lump of ginger is with a teaspoon (just scrape away with the end of the spoon and it'll all come off easily rather than losing half the lump by using a knife).

- fastest way to peel garlic is to put a clove under a flat blade, hit the blade with the base of your palm, chop the bottom off and the skin should pull straight off.

- whole punnet of cherry tomatoes + balsamic vinegar + salt + olive oil + roast in oven for an hour or so = easiest way to make you look like a genius in the kitchen. goes with everything pretty much.

- if you pay less than £5 for a chicken, it'll taste like shit (or nothing).
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 15:59, Reply)