If you have a retard in your local park.....
...don't throw bricks at him.

They may be retarded, but by fuck they'll remember.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 10:40, Reply)

From Ren and Stimpy
Don't whizz on the electric fence
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Mon 4 Dec 2006, 10:14, Reply)

hiccups
perfect cure:

offer someone who hiccups £10 if they can do another hiccup.

They won't be able to*

*if by some miracle they can, don't come running to me
(frogboy, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 10:11, Reply)

Single men:
Put your condoms between two business cards to avoid having an unsightly ring embossed into the leather of your wallet.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 9:28, Reply)

Hiccups Cured With Science!
Medical research (actually, just some Israeli doctor with a rectal tickling urge) shows that even prolonged bouts of hiccups can be cured by slow, rotatary, digital rectal massage.

Next time you get those annoying diaphragm spasms, just get your arsehole poked.
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 8:56, Reply)

I used to love these as a kid
Stick them in the freezer, they come out frozen and lully. Plus all those flavours too; the artificial colouring would turn your tongue a different colour too.


Oh, Top Tips.....
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 8:38, Reply)

Feel Like Frownng???
It Takes 42 (Or There Abouts) Muscles To Frown When Someone Upsets You But Only 4 To Reach Out And Slap The Mother Upside The Head
(BigG1986, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 3:49, Reply)

Beelieve it!
Ever wanted a small Bee as your pet?
Realised that it will probably fly away when you go out on walks?
Wondering how you will keep the pesky little critter under wraps?

Well I have a solution for you!
Capture one Bee and pop him/her into a jar that you can seal up, put said jar into the fridge for about 15 minutes so that bee can chill out and stop trying to fly away.
Take your Bee out of the fridge, open the jar and tie a small piece of sewing thread around the little stinging bastard and hey presto! Your Bee is on a leash so it can't bugger off and you can have fun being its master and flying it around!

(Please note: if you tie the thread too tight you might chop your bee in half, this would be sad, so watch out)

Thank you and goodnight!
(Rt Hon Quargflax, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 3:43, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

It's common sense!
Don't put anything in your ear smaller than your elbow!
This brings me onto my seconds point, the only thing common about common sense it that it’s not common!
Think about it.
(Rt Hon Quargflax, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 3:26, Reply)

Don't want to sit next to sick people in the waitng room?
Start coughing up a storm. Everyone will think you are sicker than them, and will keep their distance.
(Human, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 0:44, Reply)

Another vaguely dangerous recipe
Want to make that classic hammer-horror "smoking beaker" effect in your own home, but can't get dry ice anywhere?

Acquire a soda-stream bottle (the big ones) and put a marble against the valve stem. Put a double-layer of tight cloth around the whole valve area and press the cylinder down hard on the marble, against a tabletop or suchlike. The cylinder must be valve-down to do this. Solid carbon dioxide will accumulate rapidly in the material and can be forced out in a lump (carefully, it can give you a nasty freeze burn). Drop this lump into someone's drink for that chilly, drifting fog effect. nb - since it's only carbon dipoxide it's not harmful, but don't let them swallow the dry ice).

(mind your fingers, wear thick gloves).
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 0:38, Reply)

perfect chilli sauce
Take a pint bottle of tequilla. Drink about half of it. When you are well again, procure about 2 pint glasses of chillies of your liking - bird's eyes, scotch bonnets, habernos give the best economy. Open them up, leave the seeds in. Place them flat on a baking tray and roast very gently until they are dry. Hurl them in a blender (those with the little grinder attachment are best), and razz them to a powder. Then carefully add to the leftover tequilla. If you only have a regular blender, put the tequilla in it, then the peppers, and razz it to a paste. It should be fairly fluid afterwards.

Either way - be careful opening the blender. the dusts/vapours are fucking hostile.

Now you have your basic hot pepper sauce, add to it as it is used up. use whatever you have - commercial chilli powder or cayenne pepper, more rast pepppers, roast garlic, anything provided it is flavoursome and dry. Replenish fluid at the same time with any spirit of your choosing. Do not add anything with significant water in it, as this will allow it to go off. Keep the stopper or cap on when in storage.

Thereafter, just keep it going - mine's been going for several months now, and just tastes better and better. About a teaspoon will heat four curries nicely.

And don't let some drunken cunt swig from it, thinking it's still tequilla ... *shudders*
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 0:17, Reply)

My family solution to every ailment
Take a capful of pepto-bismol, take a hot bath, and go to sleep.

Cures EVERYTHING.
(I bape rabies Let's go get Chick-fi-A!, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 0:13, Reply)

Avoid people sitting next to you on the bus\train
maintain eye contact, smile and pat the seat next to you ;o)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 0:00, Reply)

Hangover cure
take a pint glass. To this add about 0.5g of vitamin C ( available from helath food shops). Also add 2 pro-plus tablets. Dissolve in a small amount of hot water. Mix in a large tablespoon of honey. Top up to 3/4 pint with coke. Drink with obvious relish* and feel better.

* unless you are allergic to anything here ^
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 23:59, Reply)

rusted bolts
If you have the Bolt That Will Not Undo, (ie in a cylinder head, pipe flange or similar) take the pressure off it by tightening the other bolts around it. Don't take them out first, it will make it worse. Also, if it really won't move, smack it down on the head hard with a hammer to drive its threads out of engagement with whatever it's in. If this doeesnt do it, nothing will.

Also - Use a ring spanner, or a true-hexagon socket. Open ended spanners and - worse - adjustables, will slip and remove two corners from a bolt head. Avoid.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 23:49, Reply)

etching copper: fast etch solution and brightener.
Forget ferric chloride, this is the right way to do it. Excellent for doing printed circuit boards or as a pretreatment for painting.

Degrease to a water-break free surface with an even mixture of acetone and isopropanol. Immediately immerse (or brush) with a mixture of 4 parts water, 1 part concentrated hydrochloric acid and 2 parts hydrogen peroxide. When the copper is etched as much as you need it (instantly, for painting purposes) remove the scaly deposits on it with dilute ammonia solution. Rinse well with water and dry with fresh acetone if you need to paint it, otherwise air-dry.

remember to follow basic H&S protocols for the reagents involved: if you don't know what they are you shouldn't be trying it. On the upside - this works a treat.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 23:41, Reply)

wear gloves.
you never realise how absorbent skin is until it shows you. I was handling copper sulphate and got some on my hands .. washed it off, so i thought .. washed my hands again before dinner with soap. Lo, teh soaps go a lovely blue colour and gel like paint onto my hands, having to be physicallyscraped off. The damn sulphate was still there. So whatever you're doing, if it involves poisonous fluids, solvents, paints, oils etc. wear gloves and keep the poisons where they belong. Thank you.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 23:34, Reply)

hands
when cooking with fish, after handling it dont wash your hands with hot water, this simply cooks the smell on to your hands.
cold water people.

i dont know wh i know this i dont like fish or cooking
(bryony*niamh kneecaps exist to be hit with clawhammers., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 22:09, Reply)

Think you've got bad breath?
Lick the back of your hand,wait thirty seconds and sniff it.If you have bad breath you'll be able to smell it.

P.s. Top tip on top tip: don't ever do this in public you'll look like a loon.
(WrongJon, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 21:47, Reply)

Commiting a murder in Midsommer?
once you have done in the first person, firstly dont leave crytpic clues at the scene of the crime then secondly leave the country. DONT try and kill everyone else in the village to cover your tracks
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 21:25, Reply)

Trying to get powdered Tragacanth to dissolve? its fucking hard isnt it?
First heat the solution you mean to put it in until boiling, then have it constantly stirring whilst still boiling. Add the powdered tragacanth pinch by pinch and it will dissovle.


OK its not something you'll need all the time, but I would have found this information really bloody helpfull last month
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 21:21, Reply)

Vinegar is great at removing stuck on chewing gum
however you do end up smelling like a tramps socks afterwards
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 21:11, Reply)

Going out on the piss but worried your beer goggles may end you up with a munter in the morning?
Have a good harty wank before going out to lessen alcohol fuelled, hormone driven urges
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 21:09, Reply)

Anti-hangover treatment
After coming home from a heavy night out, have a pint of water just before going to bed and keep a glass of water next to your bed for the morning. works a treat, especially for vodka hangovers
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 21:07, Reply)

Cant afford to take yourself and/or your kids to the zoo?
Take them to the Jobcentre instead for a cheap alternative
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 21:02, Reply)

equal opportunities
Want to ensure that your brand new (stunning) girlfriend doesnt think your needy?

Then spend ages thinking up nuggets of advice to pass onto a load of internet nerds you have never met, until you have only 15 minutes left to get to the 20-minute-walk-away tube station she is meeting you at.
(Digstar fu#king loves biscuits, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 19:39, Reply)

Curly hair
If you have curly hair and you don't want it to go frizzy...don't brush it...unless it's wet & you've just washed it...

See, I can do real tips too!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 19:35, Reply)

Fancy a drink and have no money?
Ladies, simply show your knickers...works everytime.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 19:33, Reply)

am i the only one this bothers?
Men, worried about personal hygenie?
Then dont ever wash your hands in public toilets.


Think about it, you flop your old man out, do the business, put him away.
Then whats the next thing you touch?

the tap.

just the same as all the other people who used said same tap.

ok after washing them they are probably pretty clean, but then what do you do?

turn the sodding tap off
THE SAME TAP WHICH EVERYONE ELSE TOUCHED DIRECTLY POST-OLD MAN HOLDAGE.
(Digstar fu#king loves biscuits, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 19:30, Reply)