When I'm fixing your computer,
and have explained the problem to you, fixed it, possibly told you what you should have done differently or, if it was simply The Will of Windows, how to avoid it or fix it yourself easily next time, I don't need you to explain what you previously thought you could do to fix it, or why you thought what you thought would fix it, or any permutation of your logical thought processes which started with what you had for breakfast and led you to calling me.

I especially don't need you to explain these things *after* I have fixed your problem.

As a techie, I am quite comfortable with quiet whilst I think. In fact, I prefer it. You don't need to fill dead air. I will find it much easier to not fuck your computer up any more than it already is if you can stop your gums flapping for just two minutes.

* Does not apply to females in the 17-35 age bracket.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 28 May 2009, 10:21, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

This FTW.
I just wait until they're finished, stare at them for a about five seconds, then shrug and leave. It may make you seem like an ignorant c**t but it gets the message across.
(TheColonel, Thu 28 May 2009, 11:58, Reply)

Mr Oli
You have to excuse our non-techie ignorance. We non-techie types like to apply what most other rational humans like to call logic to a situation where we have no clue as to how to rectify a problem.

This is because we think that computers should make sense and after all how hard can it be when a slovenly bunch of slack jawed, non-suit wearing monkeys can correct a problem in 2 seconds.

So, pretty please, fix the fucking computer and humour us while you do so.

;-)
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 28 May 2009, 12:19, Reply)

Excuse me.....
.....but that's 'slack jawed, non-suit wearing monkeys' with an IQ considerably bigger than yours, thank you very much! :-)

Personally, I love it when they give me a 10 minute microscopically detailed breakdown of everything that happened and all the myriad things they tried before crawling sobbing to my door: I then press 1 thing (usually the power switch on the back, or the battery retaining clip on the bottom, or the floppy disk eject button, or swap the mouse and keyboard ps2 plugs etc), and walk away like a smug fucking genius while the owner of said hardware feels like the sort of retard dump dwelling lowlife that eats roadkill and smears excrement on the wall.

Lovely. Apologies for enormity of sentences and lack of paragraphs.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Fri 29 May 2009, 12:34, Reply)

*Clickity*
Nice response :-)

You win (My users don't)
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 19:40, Reply)

Fixed my mates PC once... cant remember what it was but it was running like a dead dog, so I uninstalled Norton and stuck on some other AV or something like that - the irrelevant details elude me just now.

Anyway, I hand it over to him and he sends an email to his GF. She was online and replied immediately. He was thrilled.

'Oooh, thank you, its so much faster now'

They still havent found his body.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 28 May 2009, 21:19, Reply)

This bloke used to ring me up when the software I worked on crashed
He'd tell me the error, I'd ask him what he was trying to do, then I'd say I'll look into it.

Then he'd start reading the bit that related to some area of memory:
"AQ37JN"
"No need to read all that out"
"BVYG66HGKJ4"
"Yes thankyou, I'll look into it"
"VK8J9HG4D"
"I'LL LOOK INTO IT, THANKYOU, GOODBYE!"

Every
Fucking
Time
.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 16:44, Reply)

HAHA
Love it. They always do this.

"Ok, hover over the little V in the corner by the clock and give me the last bit of the dotted number that appears...the bit AFTER the 88"
"Sure, 192..."
"Nono, just the last bit"
"OK, .168.88... Oh, it disappeared"
"Yeah, thought it might."

You utter, utter, UTTER ...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 19:39, Reply)