Escape was physically easy; socially impossible
Our family got together at my parents' house for Easter. In the afternoon we played a game of hide and seek with my brother's three young children. When it was my turn to hide, I hid in a cupboard in the bathroom - big enough to be an airing cupboard, but without a hot water tank in. The cupboard's full of shelves, so at first glance there doesn't appear to be space for an adult to fit. There's quite a gap under the bottom shelf though, and having moved a few things around I found I could just fit in.

Before long my eldest niece opened the cupboard to look for me there. She clearly didn't think it was a possible hiding place as she closed the door again almost straight away. I just managed not to laugh.

After about five minutes I could hear lots of people hunting round the house. Clearly the three girls had run out of ideas and had drafted in some adult help.

My brother-in-law Mark came into the bathroom, opened the cupboard door and closed it again, satisfied that I wasn't in there. Then he locked the bathroom door.

No, I thought, oh no, no, no, no, no! He was only checking the coast was clear before he...

Should I say something now, I wondered, before it's too late?

No - this is a great hiding place. I can manage to stay quiet for a couple of minutes.

I hope he's not going to sit down.

By time I could tell that he had sat down, of course it was far too late to reveal myself. There was nothing left to do but wait it out. Everything seemed suddenly very quiet: I'd have to remain completely still. And not laugh.

Mark had eaten something that didn't agree with him. He was there for quite some time.

I hope no one thinks to ring my mobile phone, I thought. Perhaps I can put it on silent? No - it's too cramped in here to move without rustling this polythene bag I'm leaning on. That would be enough to give myself away. But if someone does ring it...

The door handle rattled. 'Is that Mark in there?' asked one of the girls.

'Yes.'

'Is Uncle Tim in there with you?'

I had to bite my hand to keep from cracking up.

'No.'

'Promise?'

'Yes.'

My shoulders were shaking with silent laughter. Oh, I mustn't make a noise now! Somehow, somehow, I've got to last at least until he's pulled his trousers up!

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, I heard the toilet flush.

The door handle rattled again. 'It's me,' said Debbie (my sister, Mark's wife), 'are you OK?' Mark let her in.

'I'll just check Tim isn't in here,' she said and opened the cupboard door.

'Are you sure you're OK?' she said as she closed it again.

Mark began to describe his unfortunate digestive symptoms.

'Wait a moment!' said Debbie, opening the door again, 'That looked like a knee! It is! He is in here!'

Mark stood there wide-eyed and red-faced.

'Hello,' I said, clambering out.
( teedyay, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 22:44, 22 replies)

I can't believe I read all of that and there wasn't a single wank involved :(

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 22:46, closed)

I could edit one in if you like.
Who would you like to be the perpetrator?
( teedyay, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 23:25, closed)

Two of the young children.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 8:13, closed)

Waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute - is this bait for another nonce argument?
* resists *
( teedyay, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 13:23, closed)

I dunno, man.
I mean ... I'm interpreting this story to be you having a big old wank in a cupboard getting off on a relative's poo stench. Bringing noncery into it doesn't seem like a huge step.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 16:21, closed)

Debbie.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 10:19, closed)

Oh my
Awkward Overload!

Great story :)
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Wed 5 Mar 2014, 23:12, closed)

This is puerile and silly.
I have clicked accordingly.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 0:34, closed)

I'd

click

this

but

there's

far

too

many

line

breaks
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 7:09, closed)

for once, just for once
be nice??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 10:08, closed)

He might be nice if he had anything worth living for
Sadly, his life is a wasteland of disappointment
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 16:31, closed)

I'll take line breaks, over a text wall, any day.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 10:17, closed)

I liked this.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 8:03, closed)

It's a shame that this might not have time to get the votes.
It should win.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 9:11, closed)

Considering the rest of the shite that has been posted this week I think it's still in with a chance

(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 13:34, closed)

Fair point.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 13:42, closed)

Ah come on.
Creepy McLiftPerv is a clear winner. In the absence of Liebert Marshmallow.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 14:36, closed)

Brilliant.

( Pig Bodine., Thu 6 Mar 2014, 11:41, closed)

If this doesn't win they need to shut down qotw.
It's pretty much the only actual story.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 15:06, closed)

If this doesn't win
It's pretty much the only actual story.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 15:22, closed)

Smiling and Cringing in equal measures!
*click*
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 15:39, closed)

This is excellent.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 12 Mar 2014, 11:45, closed)