my trunk
It's an old wooden trunk of the kind taken to sea by sailors of yore. I keep it at the foot of my bed and it's stashed with a lifetime of curios and valuable items. Here are some of them:

1) Charlie Chaplin's comedy rolling pin. As used by the master in his music hall days in London before he went to Hollywood to make his fortune. He'd mime rolling out a huge piece of pastry so big that it covered the entire audience - an act so funny that in 1906 14 people actually died laughing.

2) A diamond ring with a stone as big as a door knob - about 250 carats. I found this at the bottom of a well that some skinheads had thrown me down back in the 80s, As they laughed and jeered at me from a distant aperture, I became instantly rich beyond my wildest dreams.

3) A carved mahogany dildo made by the Hut-Tut-At-Ut tribe in Malawi. It was used to break in virgins during the Utubu ceremony and my particular dildo has 114 scratches on it, representing hymens stretched. A German offered me £2000 for it, but it's a rare item I won't part with.

4) John Lennon's bogie - flicked from the balcony of the Odeon in central Liverpool in 1956. My mother, then a teenager, said it landed in her hair during a matinee and she went upstairs to kick John in the bollocks until the police were called. The joke was on him him, because Christies have valued the bogey at £14,000.

5) A Disney rarity featuring Mickey Mouse humping Minnie up the arse dressed in a Nazi uniform. It was drawn by Walt himself after he'd spent an evening sniffing strong solvents while depressed. He then posted the illustration at random...to my grandmother. For years, she used it as a dart board, but missed it with every dart on account of being a blind paraplegic.

6) The sword of Alexander the Great. Stolen by my Uncle Bert from a museum in Turkey, the sword is jewel encrusted and features the scratches and nicks of a hundred illustrious historical battles. I sometimes get it out and imagine that I, too, have conquered the known world.

7) The thorn of crowns - yes THAT one. The very one worn by Jesus of Nazareth. Nobody know how it came into out family in an unmarked parcel from Palestine, but it has been authenticated by a local priest and whenever I take it out the trunk I hear heavenly choruses. It has the ability to heal the sick and confers eternal life on all who acknowledge its power.

8) The missing pieces of film from the Zapruder tape filmed in Dallas on the exact day when JFK was shot. I found it inside a book called "Me and my Vulva" in a sex shop in Hamburg. The missing frames show that shots emanated from a gun shop at the precise moment Mr 'Blind' John Squinter was testing a rifle.

9) A portal that allows one to travel through the time-space continuum at will, visiting innumerable worlds and periods. Only last week I went to one of those planets Shatner used to go to, where all the people are hot women in satin bodysuits.

10) A bottle opener once used by Barry McSpaxworth, an old schoolmate of mine who was able to suck his own knob. He left it to me in his will when he choked on his boner one New Year.
(frankspencer, Mon 12 May 2008, 17:11, 15 replies)

click
clicky click
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 12 May 2008, 17:13, closed)

*clicks hard*
Good work Frank, nice to have you back on form.
( Cawl, Mon 12 May 2008, 17:13, closed)

*much clickiness*
Genius - nicely done sir!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Mon 12 May 2008, 17:15, closed)

brilliant
Is it true that the thorn of crowns are simular to one of those "orgasmatron head massagers".

I dont know if its true, but, a mate from the pub said that the crown of thorns were given to Jesus to massage his scalp and completely relieve all pain and stresses of his crucifiction
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Mon 12 May 2008, 17:22, closed)

I'll tell you what this is, Frank
Quality. Well done, Sir.

*Click*
(Purple Jessop Jessoping Purple all over your father, Mon 12 May 2008, 17:47, closed)

Another frankspencer classic
*click*
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 12 May 2008, 18:00, closed)

*laugh*
May I be so bold as to compliment you on your ability to make me snort Vimto through my nose when similtaniously reading your posts and slating my thirst.
( girlinthehole, Mon 12 May 2008, 18:18, closed)

Brilliant..........
8) The missing pieces of film from the Zapruder tape filmed in Dallas on the exact day when JFK was shot. I found it inside a book called "Me and my Vulva" in a sex shop in Hamburg. The missing frames show that shots emanated from a gun shop at the precise moment Mr 'Blind' John Squinter was testing a rifle.

Funny as fuck..Top marks
(andycrass loves two hats on, Mon 12 May 2008, 18:59, closed)

Me and My Vulva
Ah, Frank, if only you knew that I was the author of that tome.
It was the heady days of the 1980s and I was Lunar Jane back then.

I wanted to locate a copy recently, but found myself reeling in fear of going into a pastiche of the 1980s Yellow Pages advert.

"It *is* very rare.. my name? Alberta Labia-Majoris."
(Vic Flange, Mon 12 May 2008, 19:55, closed)

Ah, frankspencer.
Always there to give an almost-believeable start to a post, followed by a series of ridiculous extra details... *click!*
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Mon 12 May 2008, 20:57, closed)

oh golly...
I almost believed it, until I got to the bogey... laughed my sizeable rump off....

clickety clack....
(Ryfelwr can't stop here... this is bat country, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:57, closed)

I am not sure
I don't think you are taking this as seriously as it is supposed to be!!! However, I laughed so you can have a click.......
(Pork2311, Tue 13 May 2008, 9:13, closed)

Hahaa!
My Spencer-spotting sense is developing. I correctly identified it as being a Frank-ism at point 1.
Still read it for the giggles though.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Tue 13 May 2008, 9:54, closed)

*click*
Number 5 ftw!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 13 May 2008, 10:17, closed)

Genius...
as always! *clickarama*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 13 May 2008, 15:01, closed)