Anal
I have a wife who reads way too much Dan Savage and stipulates that if I'm going to get any rear-guard action she now reserves the right to 'peg' me in return. We tried it (yes, lots of lube, took our time etc. etc.) but it was ridiculously painful! I'm in awe of those petite ladies you see in pornos who can get their back doors bashed in by ten inches of thick man-meat and still do a good job of pretending to enjoy it.

So basically, no more bum sex. The house seems a cold and melancholy place without it. There are just memories now. Unfinished business indeed.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:04, 33 replies)

this
story is right on the very edge of 'too much info' . . .
( Not Pineapple anymore, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:07, closed)

You mean
POIDH?


Actually I would say it's far beyond 'too much info'
(yokelrobin THE NERD WHOSE HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY/FASHION, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:16, closed)

Do you
hear banjos?
( Not Pineapple anymore, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:26, closed)

Hey, hey, hey!
We're not twisted Appalachians and even though the wife does (well, did) squeal it's not at all pig-like!

I was hoping for a bit of sympathy or maybe a few tips. Thanks alot, B3tans! Hrrrumph.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:44, closed)

Perhaps
if your wife had stuck with just giving you a tip, we wouldn't be having this conversation.





I'll get my coat, shall I?
( Not Pineapple anymore, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:47, closed)

Alright here's a tip
get her pissed first
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:00, closed)

Okay well
I don't think Badger has a "TMI" section in the archive.
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:08, closed)

I'm willing to adapt.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:48, closed)

adapt take anal from Happybara
( broadsword now that's fresh, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:49, closed)

Protip
A lot of the porno ladies, especially of Eastern-euro origin, use local anaesthesia suppositories to help accomodate those marathon back-door barrages.
(Tont Tont Tont, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:32, closed)

Now that's one for the Top Tips page!
But even if I knew how to acquire such things there's no way the good wife would allow me to use one. She'd be terrified that the pain might come later. Thanks though.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:56, closed)

Did a bit of shit pop out when you pulled out? Bit of sweetcorn stuck in the japs eye?
More info please.
( broadsword now that's fresh, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:36, closed)

Don't be such a prude.
No sweetcorn episodes thankfully and my japseye is covered by a condom. Haven't you ever been involved in buggery? It's really not considered all that controversial these days.

And B3ta's qotw's of the week have included, off the top of my head, wanking disasters, farts, most digusting things seen... It's no place for the faint hearted, m'luv.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 13:01, closed)

OOOOOOOOOOooooooooohhhhhhhhhh
get you
( broadsword now that's fresh, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 13:40, closed)

Get you more like!
Your profile-page makes sodomy seem positively vanilla, dear.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 14:08, closed)

Don't think she is being prudish mate
She simply asked for more details..In this case whether you got corn on your cob.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 14:16, closed)

I think 'she' is a 'he'
and there's a distinct whiff of sarcasm in his tone. Still, Broadsword, if your question is indeed sincere, my apologies and no, no visible excrement, corn or other food-particles. Happy now?
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 14:20, closed)

Ah yes, the devils contraception
According to some ladies I know, it only hurts for the first few minutes and then becomes quite nice. You need to convince her of this. I have to say though in my experience, anytime I go near Mrs Arrows bot,which is rare, I splaff my load within about 4 secs.....fun while it lasts though!

Edit - As an aside I don't want to do it too much, I think Mrs Arrow is the one, so don't want her to have an ass like a cat flap in later life.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 13:47, closed)

The problem is that
She has pushed this ridiculous ultimatum on me whereby if I want anal sex anymore, and we've had plenty in the past, I must submit to a pegging. After one go at that I'm the one that needs convincing!

I suspect there may be some gamesmanship afoot and she's either being mischievous for reasons known only to herself or is possibly just weary of being cornholed.

Perhaps she doesn't want a cat-flap for an anus in later life either. If I had my way she'd be goatse by the time she reached the pearly gates! Hurrah! Unfortunately so would I - if I could find a way to enjoy being 'pegged'. Hurroo. Thanks Dan Savage.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 14:16, closed)

Haha!
I sense it is weary of being cornholed and she wants you to empathise. Having had a medical I can relate to your story of pain, it's fucking horrible!! Although I am sure gay guys would disagree. I would think of something to replace the brown void that will be left with no anal, maybe try a cock ring. However I think a poster above got it right, get her pissed and have a stab but just make sure you sleep on your back if you're successful ;)
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 14:55, closed)

Sleep in the guest room with the door locked
more like!
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:23, closed)

Filthy, Rich and Catflap?
A few years ago I was listening to a fairly popular US radio show (for I am a Brit abroad), "Love Line", with Adam Carrola (sp?) and Dr. Drew Pinsky. One of the callers was a young woman, a rep for a medical company, describing her day's work ferrying newly-FDA-approved arsehole transplants around, and watching the replacement surgery being performed.

I have rarely laughed so hard, or indeed been quite so horrified. Replacing a chocolate starfish with a synthetic alternative. What is the world coming to? And what manner of vigorous assault, and for how long, could bugger up (see what I did there?) a rectum to the extent that it needed replacement?

I could never quite get out of my mind the image of a shower cap with adjustable drawstring, and the recipient dialing in the "strength and resistance" when preparing for a night of unholy bum love.

And the cost. $7k (approx 2005 prices - I don't know if spare bumhole inflation has been rampaging over the last half-decade. I do know that I haven't ravaged one in that time...)
(IHaveComeAmongThee__Twice Tissues on the left. Self-esteem on the right., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 15:47, closed)

There we go...
Call it insurance! If it's the catflap issue she is worried about, promise her a new arsehole. Fairly cheap i think bearing in mind the other alternative.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 16:34, closed)

New arsehole?
Naaah, gonna be way too expensive. Just get the old one fitted with a drawstring.
(Rsoles, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 21:53, closed)

sometimes needed by
colorectal cancer victims,if i'm not mistaken
(grundig Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 0:48, closed)

I immediately thought of this:

alt-tasteless.blogspot.com/2007/09/long-joys-of-rimming.html

Couldn't find the original alt.tasteless post, but this has a special place in my heart. Enjoy!
(IHaveComeAmongThee__Twice Tissues on the left. Self-esteem on the right., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 20:51, closed)

there's a reason
why gays use poppers...
(Atomised teabagged your mum on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 17:00, closed)

Did you
whip it out a few times and get the wife to gobble it clean before popping it back in?

I'm just curious.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 6:28, closed)

The problem with anal is 'cos it's considered at the mo like wanking used to be, many do it but nobody ever admits to it or tells you how,
consequently most everyone gets it wrong the first time.

Look up enema bulbs, prostate stimulation, invest in some damn good lube and some latex gloves and have a go at spicing up your wank sessions with a lubed finger on your prostate and no fear of da poopy, you cannot relax and attempt to take in if you're constantly fearful of something plopping out. Oh and for a first timer, a totally smooth and tiny dildo is a must.

Also worth remembering the first time you enjoy being 'pegged' your wife will A: fucking hate it and B: have to take it, surely worth another try?

Yours: Aunty WiL.
( ..wil, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 8:52, closed)

Thanks for the tips, WiL
We did do our research and prep before-hand but at best it was an intense pleasure-pain thing that I could never see myself getting used to. It really, really hurts to begin with as well.

I think it's just her twisted way of getting out of bum-sex. However! Now that I know I can just get her a brand new anus for the price of a second-hand Focus, perhaps she will rethink her foolishness.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:32, closed)

I just pressed 'I like this' by accident so my b3ta friends are in for an interesting read...
well if it really, really hurts, you're doin it wrong someplace, but then again if ya don't really want it, it just will, I guess, kinda like tryin to get a smoker to quit when they don't wanna, doomed to failure no matter how much nicotine gum you throw at them!

Ah well, you can always go bi n get it from a man of experience! Go on tell her that, I dare ya! ;)
( ..wil, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 12:30, closed)

man up and take it ya bitch.

(waxdart hello., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:56, closed)

Yeah!
MTFU and take it like a slut! Actually, thanks guys. I do feel a lot better now and Tonto's pro-tip has given me a brill idea:

I won't mention locally anaesthetising suppositories to her but I'll have a look at the web and see if I can order some for myself. Then I'll pretend I'm loving it and WiL's A/B scenario comes into play.

Out of interest though, WiL, why do you think she'll hate it if I love it? Some sort of sudden horror at the reversal of traditional gender roles or fear that it might turn me gay?
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 12:29, closed)