All's Fair In Love And War
actually that was pretty useful hazzah!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 17:20, Reply)

which way is Cavan
was once told when asking directions in Clones in Monaghan "Sure now, first of all you'll not be wanting to start from here"
(alwaysallways, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 16:58, Reply)

Drumjunkie13
Ahem.

www.b3ta.com/questions/old_people_talk_bollocks/post6721/
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 21 Oct 2006, 16:28, Reply)

East is North
When I (a white girl) dated a First Nations guy (American Indian to you stateside) at age 15, my father sat down with me for a chat and imparted the only advice he ever gave to me in my life. Followed by about 20 minutes of grade-A old-school Masonic racism, he finished with, "Stick to your own kind."

So I married two white guys in a row. My fault entirely for my bad judgement in choosing these particular gents, but no matter. On the bright side, the therapy was a complete success and the debts will all be paid off in January, 2011, so then maybe I'll get my credit rating back and be able to get a car.

Now that I am happily married for years to a Pakistani man, people are still helpfully telling me why it'll never work.

Conclusion: The only reason people give advice is because they want you to fail, as they have done. Then they can tell their friends, "You see? I told you."
(socialised_medicine quietly returns to Saskatchewan for Lurkfest 2007, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 16:17, Reply)

someone is handing out bad advice
to criminals in Australia. Some of them have the cunning idea of responding to being accused of having done various things by saying they don't remember, because they were so out of it on drugs at the time.

Astonishingly, this seems not to result in them being let off.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 15:12, Reply)

My dad once told me where the clitoris was
in one of those achingly embarrassing father-son conversations.

Turns out he was actually wrong.
( expf, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 14:42, Reply)

Misinterpreturd
Our family motto's allegedly "Touch no' the cat but a glove". We thought this was obvious and fairly useless until one day, soon after our family's tom had been switched to a tinned food diet. Mum picked him up for a cuddle and got a series of little chocolate "kisses" deposited along on her arm. If only opera gloves came in latex!
(bezoar, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 14:40, Reply)

some idiot told me

that we were at war with Eastasia. I believed it for ages. Turned out we'd always been at war with Eurasia! Tuh.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 14:24, Reply)

My Gran
is now dead.

On one of the last times I saw her, when she was in good (ie "batty") health, just as I was about to leave, she held my arm and whispered as ernestly as you like "Watch out for the Wogs, love, they'll get you."

Thanks to her advice, they didn't.
(Drumjunkie13 dosen't exist, especially at, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 14:11, Reply)

i recently got asked directions to Fratton Park
football ground, being the moron i am - i gave her directions to Fratton Train station.

But i do have an excuse - i was tired, hungry and forgot where i was!

/low blood sugar blog!
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 14:07, Reply)

just reminded me...
On a particularly shit bottle of red wine:

"Goes perfectly with a ham and cheese toastie"
(littlemsbroccoli, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 13:47, Reply)

my Uncle Len told me

that there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord.

But you don't really care for music, do you.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 13:34, Reply)

Take a year out
I heard this from various different well-meaning sources. It would help me grow as a person and gain an understanding and perspective of my place in the world.

So off I went to Hartlepool to 'find myself'. Well the first bit worked cos I was in Hartlepool so I did, effectively, find myself.

But once I got a job and found a place to live I was a bit stuck for ideas so I started doing improv comedy on the street. Peice of piss. All I did was stand there and recite the jokes you get on Penguin biscuits. "What happened to the frog when it broke down? It got TOAD away!!!!"

Aftera few weeks of this kind of thing I was spotted by Jermaine Pennant and given my own show on BBC2. It was a quiz panel show about snot. 'Have I Got Snot For You' it was called and we had classy guests. One week, we had celebrated paedophile Sidney Cook on. He was brilliant.
(Andrew Avetoom, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 12:06, Reply)

Ultra
Have you seen THAT one as well? What did your mother tell you about Peeping Toms?
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 11:44, Reply)

Chickenwire -
It was Dane Bowers, not Yorke.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 9:52, Reply)

"Don't...
put anything in yer ear smaller than yer elbow !"
Spent years tring to fit even my elbow in until the day came when I started trying to put other body parts into girls.
(fuckstockings will never go to trial, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 9:38, Reply)

back in junior high....
I caught my finger in my locker once which caused my friend to say, "If it hurts, don't do it."......... my immediate thought was...... um...... thanks?
(Sebowe Aphex says I have a killer pout, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 8:31, Reply)

Mothers
I wish I'd taken my Mum's advice about not starring in a porn video with Dwight Yorke.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 8:19, Reply)

it runs in the family..
My batty aunt has just been committed to a mnetal hospital due to her unrelenting looniness. I was speaking to my (also pretty batty) mother today and at the end of the conversation she said 'try not to go mad, will you darling?'.

No guarantees there, sadly.
(mookroolz, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 8:05, Reply)

"If you don't move, they can't see you"
How the fuck do you know Crichton, they've been dead for years.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 7:55, Reply)

Choices
My friend once passed on a piece of advice from her mother: 'Make good choices'. I don't think it's ever come in useful.
(echomikeromeo, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 7:03, Reply)

Here in New York, I told some Scouse tourists,
"To get to the Guggenheim, take the 1 train to 50th Street and then walk east to Fifth Avenue."

Too bad the Guggenheim is on 88th Street - nowhere near the 1 train, and nowhere near 50th Street.

I SWEAR it was an accident. I had the Guggenheim confused with the Museum of Modern Art. Forgive me, Scousers.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 6:29, Reply)

My great-uncle is mad.
He once told me, "If you act crazy enough, people will leave you alone."

I can tell you from my own experience, it ain't working.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 6:26, Reply)

Learn to type
Best prospects for a female in high school, as I was advised at the time, was to have "something to fall back on" whilst pursuing my utterly ridiculous and impractical ambition to be an artist, so I was urged in the strongest possible terms to promise to learn to type so I could at least be useful in an office setting (girl clothes, high heels, yeah right).

I got the idiotic typing class out of the way, flunked out of my last year at high school and never got around to finishing, and went on to earn a living for many years as a graphic artist. Never had to answer phones or type or file or anything.

Through some bizarre trick of neurobiology, I developed the ability to type more than 110 words per minute without practicing or even trying very hard. People are utterly fascinated, but apart from helping me get through the work day a little faster (I'm now a technical writer), the advice, and the resultant skill, has been pretty much useless.
(IdjitMittenz I log in once per decade., Sat 21 Oct 2006, 4:09, Reply)

Lying cunt.
www.bash.org/?192153

It doesn't work.
( Bob Todd whee, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 1:53, Reply)

I still have a scar.
"DUCK!"
(gypsychk, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 1:32, Reply)

Not sure where it's from...
..but my personal fav. is 'Don't wipe your arse with sandpaper'.

I don't know where I got it from or when, but it's now a standard joke when leaving a restaurant:

Mrs. Coopsweb: Are we leaving a tip?
Me: Yep, tell them not to wipe......


Sorry
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 1:24, Reply)

damn her
I was once told by a girl that her life's rule was "Nothing up the bum, not even a thumb".

I went home and wanked instead.
(A Good Egg, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 1:00, Reply)

Tell God your problems and all will be better.
what a crock of shit. anything 'god' was a total lie. but life goes on, it's not so bad. god is subtractable, but there are better ways of understanding the world.
( Koogas, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 0:41, Reply)

Remember, many a mickle makes a muckle
?
(Turangalila, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 0:31, Reply)