Acidental spying
When I was at university, i lived in one of the old Edwardian style dormitories with the "dormer" windows on the third floor. One night when i was hanging up some fairy lights (Christmas lights to americans) i turned off my room light and steped up on a ladder and casually looked out towards my window by virtue of my high angle i was able to see out my mini blinds and into my gorgeous neighbors room. He was lying on his bed having a wank and i damn near fell off the ladder. I am ashamed to admit i did watch the show in it's entirety so to speak but i never again attempted to enjoy my discovery again mostly out of fear if i had a wank along with him i might slip and fall breaking my neck having my family forever wonder how i got into such a predicament. Well that and there was the remote chance he would look up from his angle and see me, seeing him. Talk about awkward.
(eastonm3, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 0:27, Reply)

Local woman in amateur porn shocker!
Having just moved back to the Old Country last week, I had a few friends over on Friday night for drinks. The conversation strayed, as it tends to, to raw filth.

At that point they revealed this website (NSFW!).

Half the fun is identifying the local places she's defiling. I mentioned her to my teacher mum, and apparently she's a parent at a colleagues' school. How the cock he gets through parents' nights with a straight face, I'll never know.

Anyone else have local porn celebs?
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 23:50, Reply)

Why does this room look familiar?
Back in my teenage days, my best friend confessed to routine nighttime stealth maneuvers to spy on the neighbor lass. She as 3 grades ahead of us, with a very nice figure -- she was stacked, basically.

I arranged to spend the night at his place, and we went out late to see the show. Commandos wish they could be so stealthy. Her place was through a small woods behind his house, and we approached from the rear. It was a Friday night, so we knew that she'd be home late from the game (no, she wasn't a cheerleader. Band. But knockers...). There was a convenient bush just outside her basement window, and there we waited, lurking in the shadows, unseen.

Eventually, she came home, the light in her room came on, and she gave us a nice show. Beautiful girl -- better than I'd imagined beneath her conservative clothing. Really a highlight of my puberty, and a treasure remembered fondly for years to come. Pun intended.

Flash forward 5 years, and my girlfriend has a summer job as an au pair. The little darlings are all tucked in, their parents are gone, and I've slipped in to visit. We're getting it on pretty heavy, when I realize -- this room looks familiar.

I can't quite place it, until I see notice the light fixture, a three-lamp modern monstrosity that is unforgettable. Yes, the lovely, well-endowed former occupant had moved away, the house had been sold, and now my girlfriend was living in the same room as her.

I checked outside before continuing, believe you me, but all was clear. I bought my girlfriend an odd gift the next day -- curtains. I told her I wanted to brighten up that depressing basement room.

I found out later that the curtains were more translucent than opaque, and had a poor fit around the edges. Yes, from my friend. Hope you enjoyed the show, Mark. You wanker!
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Sun 14 Oct 2007, 23:38, Reply)

19th century arcitects are pillocks
if they had designed my terraced house better, with more appropriately placed bathrooms I would not know that my neighbor trims his pubes.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 23:37, Reply)

mrs. Kite
When she lived with her mum, she had a bamboo screen type thing at her window...which became see-through with the light on (can you guess where this is going ?). So, being unaware of this she'd wander around getting changed etc in oblivion. After she moved out, the guy next door mentioned it to her mum. (note "AFTER" she moved out).
Dirty fucker
(mind, I would given half a chance)
(kitescreech still here, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 22:10, Reply)

Cornwall
Way back in the mists of time I was camping with some mates near Newquay in cornwall. We were staying in what's basically a farmers field, as Newquay is (as anyone who lives in Devon or Cornwall knows) is a chav-hole of pissed northerners, incredibly hardcore looking 'surfers' who mysteriously disappear as soon as it gets overhead, and ludicrously overpriced places to stay.

And breath.

Anyway, this campsite was super basic and a great place to stay. One morning, sun coming up, I climbed out of my tent and glanced over at the camper van parked next to us. A family, kids up already and playing around the van, laughing and giggling. The parents were in the van, still wrapped in a duvet, with the doors open.

It took me a good 20seconds to realise that they were shagging.

But here's the thing - instead of looking erotic, or tantalising, or sexy or rude, it just looked really natural and, well, fantastic. The sun was coming up, the colours of the day just brightening up, kids playing, dew on the grass and a crisp sunny day just beginning - it just looked so cool and natural and weirdly unremarkable that this couple were making love on a morning like this.

I just thought those kids were so lucky to have parents that were still in to each other like that, and it made my day.

If you think about it, for thousands of years families lived in one room dwellings - seeing your parents or relatives shagging must have been normal then..it's only cos we're all so weirdly secretive about it that makes it so voyeuristic inthe first place.
(inflateable, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 21:52, 2 replies)

Of Nancy.
Nancy is an acquaintance of mine. Standing at five foot nothing in her bare feet, long red hair and a cracking set of norks, she looks pretty great on paper.

However, the reality is not as nice. She frequently drinks too much. Many people who drink too much will throw up then crawl into bed.

Not Nance.

One evening, she came over unannounced. We had a few drinks, a few smokes and a pretty reasonable evening. I eventually fell asleep on the couch; Nancy passed out on the armchair opposite.

Around 4am I was woken by an sound. Running water. I looked opposite to see her, swaying with her eyes open. She looked catatonic- a face straight out of a George A. Romero movie.

And from between her legs dribbled a stream of piss, off the armchair cushion and into her shoe.

Naturally, I did the reasonable thing.

I quietly left the room and went to bed.

When I woke up the next morning, she was still sitting in the chair. According to her friends, that was far from an isolated incident.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 19:14, Reply)

Luvverly
I've just watched my two year old curl out the most amazing four-and-a-half-inch cable in his potty. He even managed to get a Mr Whippy effect flick at the end for artistic measure.

Surprisingly I don't feel soiled or dirty having witnessed this birth, but a certain sense of vicarious pride in his achievement. I can't wait for him to bring schoolgirls home with him!
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Sun 14 Oct 2007, 18:29, 1 reply)

My boyfriend, the unintentional flasher...
Back in the mists of time, I used to have a boyfriend, Mr Rakky. Lovely chap, but it was never going to work out. He was a relaxed, chilled, left wing hippy type, I’m a complete neurotic who used to work for an oil company; he liked real ale and outdoor holidays, I’m more a wine and art galleries girl. He was 5’6” and 8 stone soaking wet, I’m a strapping six footer. However, we got on brilliantly, and loved each other’s company, but the real thing that caused us problems were our nocturnal preferences. I don’t sleep well and can rarely stay in bed past six am without the help of alcohol or prescription sedatives. And that’s round about the time when he would be going to bed, for a lovely long 12-14 hours kip.

One spring, I’d had a row with my housemate and was looking for a new place to live. Mr Rakky kindly said I could stay at his, rent free, till I got myself sorted (we weren’t ready for the living together properly thing at that point). To get over the screwed up sleeping patterns thing, we fell into a routine; I would go study at the library or a friends house till 11pm, meet him for a beer (this was Scotland, where the pubs were open sensible hours..) then go home and listen to audio books till I fell asleep. After a couple of weeks it was clear that he was starting to sleep slightly more conventional hours and actually go to lectures etc.

One night he came to meet me from the library with a rather distressed look on his face. In the pub he was slightly nervy, unusual for him. Eventually after 3 pints of beer he finally told me what was wrong.

He’d fallen asleep the night before around 12 and had awoken to find me gone, as usual. He looked at the clock, half asleep to see it was only 10.30am, something of a new experience for him. He’d shambled out of bed, naked, resplendent with morning wood and had gone to the window, flung open the shutters and had one of those big “good morning world” stretches. And then heard a scream. When he looked down into the courtyard at the back of his building he saw not one, not two, but 20 very distressed five year olds looking up at him and pointing.

And a very, very angry primary school teacher.

He was nearly in tears by this point; I however, as the loving girlfriend, was crying with laughter.

A few things changed after that; he started sleeping in his pants and I bought him some net curtains, just in case.

Length? Six years. And I never let him forget it, usually by shouting, “Show her your cock” every time a small child walked past.
Happy days...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 18:19, Reply)

Regents Park
Hot sunny day, weekend, went cycling in the park. Stopped for a breather and read the paper. Many people nearby enjoying picnics, frisbees, kites, etc etc. Noticed about 20 feet away a couple getting friendly. Her on her back, his hand down her jeans, getting faster and faster. After she finished, they got up, kissed and walked away cool as you like. Didn't even wipe his hand!

First post. Cool.
(hirsute, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 18:16, Reply)

Oh, and there's this one too...
This was also during the Basingstoke years. I can't believe I forgot this one, too!!!

I shared a house with 3 other people, two lads and one lass. One of the lads is now a very good mate of mine, the other two, well...

They were cunts of the highest order. Really rude, ignorant, and untidy. What made it worse though, was that they ended up getting it together, having it off constantly - and noisily. Now, I wouldn't have minded that really - but what really got on mine and my mate's tits was the girls insistance on playing fucking 'Out Of Reach' by Gabrielle every time she was getting a bit of Afternoon Delight. Or Night Delight. Or Morning Delight for that matter. That and the knocking noise that her paramour's headboard would make on the wall seperating his room for the living room, meaning my evening Hollyoaks ogling session was frequently interrupted.

So, I needed to have revenge. Now, the girl was from a very posh family, her dad was 'new money', mum was from landed gentry and the girl made sure you knew about it. Even better, the family was staunch Catholic, so if they found out about the girls pre-marital indiscretion, she'd be buggered - in the figurative sense, though I got the impression that she liked it the literal way anyhow.

One night, my revenge came - it was even better that I didn't even have to think it through.

'Out Of Reach' is playing, the headboard's knocking and I'm having my Elize Du Toit (Izzy with the big norks off Hollyoaks) daydream ruined, when the phone rings.

It's her mum. 'Is V******* in?'

'Yes', I reply. 'Just a second'.

Without a thought, I walk to J**'s (the boy) room, put the phone near the doorway, so that mum can get a good listen of her lovely princess getting a good rogering, kick the door open, get a full view of the girl's knockers as she's on top, say

'Phone - it's your mum'

Throw the phone in her general direction, walk back into the living room to resume my TV viewing, all the while listening to the furious row that V******* is having with her mum about what exactly was going on.

I moved out a month later, which was a shame, because that month was the best I'd had in the house.

Last I heard, he dumped her after her dad had been round to their flat with a few of his colleagues with moves towards a shotgun wedding.

I always get a warm feeling everytime I remember that now...

I am a bad, bad man!
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 18:09, Reply)

my sick room mate
i was at college a few years back and after a night n the sauce had, brought a young girl back to my digs, and being the only two in the bluidding she decided to suck me off in th communial lounge..

after about ten minutes, i get tapped on the shoulder by my room mate,

he'd been stood there five minutes, watching everything.... the dirty betch

he then had the balls to ask for a threesome
(tweedleDUMB Giving Up Smoking, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 18:04, 1 reply)

I forgot about this...
One year, me and my good friend Ian went to see Primal Scream at the Sheffield Octagon. Now, all sorts of people like Primal Scream, and there were various hippies, goths, ravers, indie kids, etc in the place watching Bobby and friends rattle through Evil Heat and XTRMNTR and the like - one minute you'd have the moshers going mental to 'Accelerator', the next the hippies would be swooning to 'I'm Gonna Cry Myself Blind', and so on...

In the middle of 'Shoot Speed/Kill Light' two rather amorous ravers - who were quite clearly on something stronger than bottles of Budweiser - decided that constantly necking right through the gig wasn't enough, and just got down to making the beast with two backs. Right in the middle of the crowd, about 4 rows back from the stage.

Well what can you do? Such blatant exhibitionism is admirable, so the 1000-odd people in the venue just stood, watched, and applauded.

Even Mani snuck a quick ogle in.

Bobby wasn't impressed, mind... I think his words were 'If yous all wanted to pay £15 quid to watch that then yous should all 'av fucked off to a brothel'.

Charming.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 17:49, Reply)

Manhattan loft...
..was where I stayed with friends using their spare room. Like all the other rooms in the place, mine had no blinds/curtains at the huge plate glass windows. I guessed this was because the occupants of neighbouring buildings were too NY busy/too NY blase to look in. I was back in my room drying off after an afternoon shower - full monty for several minutes; all my bits on display as I got round to dressing. Just as I zipped up, I glanced out to see about sixteen windows on three floors of the building opposite full of gawping men who immediately roared and applauded my reverse strip....!!

Unused to such acclaim I gave them a small bow at which their muffled cheers came again shaking the glass in my window... ooer.
I wasn't tempted to show off again, but there were more than a few of them who waved at me whenever I went into my room. Turns out they were a gay cable-tv channel...

modest to a tee but no apologies for length....
(Bergamot B , has not been to the office since, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 17:09, Reply)

Appreciative audience
I used to go out with a a bloke who had his own house while I was still living at home. Seeing as most of our mates lived at home too, we all used to hang out at his, which was fun but not conducive to getting much time alone.

One afternoon, we found ourselves alone and decided to take advantage of the situation. Upstairs, we go and get done to some serious lovin'. Unbeknownst to us, all of our friends had tuned up, let themselves in, made some tea and had a good giggle at us.


I was mortified to the very core of my soul.

However now I'm quite proud of the fact I've boffed to generous and loud applause. :D
(Medibot, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 17:07, Reply)

this couple seemed a bit pissed off (geddit?)
walking into town from school one lunch time, me and some mates decided to take a short cut round the back of a small housing estate and then join back onto the pavement outside Bromsgrove school. Just by the bromsgrove school gates we noticed a couple backed against a hedge next to the pavement, the woman squatting down taking a piss with her boyfriend standing over her...

It was at this point that I, being the least mature of our little group, decided to burst ut laughing at the couople, pointing as well. The guy turned around, cock in one hand, camera in t'other and started to shout. Needless to say we just stood there laughing harder until the guy and his "classy" girlfriend decided to pack up annd leave.

That gave us something to talk about at McDonalds.

length? must have been about 6 inches
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Sun 14 Oct 2007, 16:02, Reply)

I once saw Kevin Costner fuck over a whole load of people
5 pounds to go see waterworld you must be joking.
( Super piat I am the owl, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 15:48, Reply)

Animal Instincts
When I was a young 'un I would often sleep over my friend H's house on a friday night. She had a T.V in her room (which amazed little 10 year old me), and we would always, without fail, watch the piss poorly acted, less-sexy-than-a-slap-in-the-face-with-a-cold-raw-fish "Erotic Thriller" that used to grace Channel 5's late night weekend listings. (Mirror Images 2 and Animal Instincts being two "highlights").

Anyway. One such night, she was in her bed, I was on the floor and we were watching some harlot with bad tanlines writhe around and make noises like a buffalo when I glanced over at H. The image of a 10 year old girl with a body like a 5 year old boy riding her teddy's face while engaged in a staring match with Shannon Whirry's breasts will live with me forever.
(reducedfatLOLcat, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 15:33, Reply)

Posh ladies need to powder their noses too.
One balmy summer evening I was sauntering back from college to my abode. I'm guessing, through the hazy mists of recollection, that it must have been about 7pm on a friday, in Old Christchurch Road in Bournemouth.

Anyone au fait with the area will know exactly how busy this stretch of road is, especially at that time on a friday - it's all pubs, clubs, restaurants and other dens of alcoholic debasement.

Anyway, enough waffle. A young lady, dressed in her finest Ascot wear (polka dot dress, flouncy hat etc). Dropped to a squat 4 feet from a convienience store, hoiked up the skirt, deftly tugged aside the obligatory thong, wopped out the neatly tended ladygarden and jetted a big steaming piss onto the paving stones while otherwise happy pedestrians wandered around her faking obliviousness.

I personally couldn't help but stop and peer at the freely viewable dripping gusset monkey, before deciding that despite her being quite attractive, the act of taking a slash didn't do it for me.

Length? About 5 inches before the splash, and then a good 6 feet in a snaky line to the gutter.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Sun 14 Oct 2007, 14:44, 1 reply)

Forced voyeurism.
I indulged in a spot of rumpy-pumpy in a hostel dorm not so long back, and she wasn't overly quiet. The other 19 people in the (quite small) dorm managed to get away with sleeping with their headphones on, but I don't think the poor sod in the bottom bunk beneath us had any.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 14:36, Reply)

Years ago
When I was in the scaffolding business, we had a job at a bed and breakfast. We'd been told not to come before
breakfast time, but being builders, with no concept of time, we started climbing up about 7.30ish am. My mate was first, stopped, and pointed in the window; a bloke was giving his (missus?) one from behind. After a few giggles, my other mate banged on the window, and waved. Well, talk about World war 3; he barged forward, and pulled the curtains to, about 2 minutes later, the owner came running out, screaming at the top of her voice. Basically told us to fuck off, and she'd be onto our employers to complain. So we went to a cafe, and ate tons till the pub opened. Still funny even now.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Sun 14 Oct 2007, 14:34, Reply)

Wanker.
When I was younger(14) me and a mate(Ryan) 'went halves' on a Suzuki TS125 to muck about on the fields etc.
One sunday we decide to go on a local factory estate for some time trials round the block.
About half hour in Ryan comes round to finish his lap. He pulls up and says that someone is crouched down between two of the factory buildings, near an open window and he is looking, 'shifty'.
We have a smoke and decide whether or not to confront him and ask what the fuck are you up to you thieving bastard.
After a few 'passes' with Ryan on the back of the bike and myself driving we pull up next him and he is now sat on the floor leaning against the alley wall below the propped open window.
I look down on him, square in the eyes and ask him,'what the fuck do you think your up to?'
To which he replies,'having a wank'
'you fucking what? you cheeky fucker'
'having a wank'
At this point I look down, and yes he is, indeed, having a wank.
That was the first and thankfully last time I have seen a man pulling his pud in the flesh.
I was so flustered I spouted something like, 'well, i hope you enjoy it' and got the fuck out of there.



Length?
Bigger than mine.
I was only 14
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 13:45, Reply)

Mindbleach
Ex-flatmate

Dancing. Naked. Wearing only a Santa-hat and his "glove of love".

Didn't sleep for a week

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 13:44, 1 reply)

My dad lives on a quiet, tiny little Yorkshire street.
It houses about 20 bungalows, each housing residents over 60. My dad's uncle, Jack (and his wife), live over the road, and next to Jack, lives Mary, a small, bespectacled seventy-something.

Next door to Mary, on the corner, lived Eric, aged eighty. Eric had been in an old people's home for a few weeks when his nephew Chris started coming over to use the house as a 'lovenest'. Though he was married with two kids, the family was in Oz, and he was here, in Blighty, with his male friend Richard.

Mary knew nothing of the depth of Chris' friendship with Richard until she was drawing the curtains one night. Chris and Richard were sitting watching the TV. Naked. Mary keeps watching and they stand up and start kissing. And touching.

Reciting this story the next day to my Uncle and Aunt, she cried "Oh it was awful! Two grown men! It was such a shame..." she trailed off.

"A shame?" said my aunt.

"Yes! I was in such shock I forgot to ring you and borrow your binoculars!"
(Northern Lovely, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 13:15, Reply)

one time i saw some girl proper fingering her minge so i watched and then invited my friends around and we all watched and drank beer and tuck drugs and it was class.
(Vadge is new to all this, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 12:48, 4 replies)

I once walked in on
Ron Jeremy, with his pants on, having a cup of tea!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 10:43, Reply)

Happy days at the imperial
A mate of mine ran a pub/hotel a few years back and in return for working behind the bar I got free board and lodging.

Anyway me and him started knocking of these two birds and they would regularly stop by the pub for an after hours couple of beers and obligatory shagging. One night my mate takes his missus upstairs after hours and I'm left alone with this bird, where upon I proceed to go at her like a dog with two cocks. Mid coitus , I see my mate come to the bar to get some lemonade for his exasperated floozy - me I carry on regardless and the bint is obviously enjoying herself so much as she doesn't notice him just a few feet away. Its only as he gets to the door that I decide to bid him a goodnight, which is then when my bird discovers he has seen what we have been doing.

Ever fucked a girl mid shitfit? Very challenging I can tell you :o)
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 9:00, 1 reply)