After leaving a pub lock in at the early hour of midnight
Myself and a friend were strolling home when we walked past the one house in the road with its downstairs lights still on, a brief glance confirmed that there was in fact a tall black gentleman pleasuring himself to whatever was being displayed on his tv screen in the lounge. here is the snapshot I took at the time, its completely SFW but it just illustrates how totally bleeding obvious he was being. We thought about knocking on the window to scare him but shat it when we pondered the possibility of him chasing and then bumming us.
( hypnochimp, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 20:03, 1 reply)

My mate mike
Once decided to tell me that he was watching some blue on the telly and started pulling his pud. During the act he heard a strange noise but thought nothing of it. Then he heard squeaking, he looked over to see a windowcleaner blindly cleaning the window. Apparently they both finished and went on their seperate ways.

Length? It got to his bedroom window.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 20:00, Reply)

Oh gods......well lesbians actually.
2 foot away hidden voyeurism
Yet another one from the archives.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 19:50, Reply)

Pee family
As I mentioned in a previous question, I used to be a supervisor in student accommodation at Bunglingham university. One advantage of this was that, if we were doing the job for several years, we got accommodation free over the summer.

Now, between A-level results and freshers’ week, we used to get families coming along to the site to check out potential accommodation. One fine, late August afternoon, I was at my desk, writing and intermittently gazing out of the window, watching one such family: Mum, Dad and rather attractive blonde daughter.

The block of flats opposite my window, just across the lawn, was next to the bike sheds, and there was an alley between them, which was secluded. The family was clearly unaware that there was anyone living on the site at all: I’m sure of this because I happened to look up just in time to see the rather attractive daughter pulling down her jeans, leaning against the wall of the flats for support, and taking a pee.

Some people would pay money for that kind of show. It’s not my thing, though, and were the story to end there, I would probably feel a bit bad about having watched for longer than I ought.

But there was more: behind the daughter, the mother was doing the same thing. And behind the mother, the father.

I admire close families… but mass micturation?

*shudders*

Length? No idea. Blonde daughter’s head obscured the view.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 19:45, Reply)

Terminator!
There was a time when I was doing the "dogging a workmate" game for a few months. Regularly I'd end up at hers after a hard days coding (we were a small software/website company) and pretending nothing was happening while all the time thinking about the debauched acts you wanted to perform on the c# girl that night. Thus, the sexitime was, to be fair, some of the best, roughest, and loudest I've ever had.
Anyway, turns out her neighbours had regularly complained to her after I'd gone about the rythmic thumping, screamings, crashings and general carnage that went about during such events. Almost each time in fact. In fairness, I could understand, but it put me off about 0% setting about the job each time.
Anyway, as we knew this guy used to listen, we thought we'd give him something to listen too....being the most random finishing phrase I could possibly come up with, while, er finishing up. Actually, when I say 'we', I mean 'me' to be honest, but I digress.

Such gems would include:
"I AM THE TERMINATORRRRRRR!" In the loudest, lowest, gruffest, ejaculation-distorted voice I could conjour up.

The geekiest was perhaps a rough recital of FTP commands:
"150 Connecting!, 331 Logged In! GAAAAH JEEESUS!!..............200 Upload complete!".

Try doing that when peaking the mountain AND timing it right.
( slippery doctore, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 19:33, Reply)

Deathmatch Voyeurism
Used to be a member of Clan Nasgul on the game "Star Trek Elite Forces". If you're unfamiliar with this it was a Quake 3 powered Star Trek deathmatch clone, and a good one at that. We were pretty good too, most of us within the top 100 players in the world on it, so hey ho :)

One of the main players of the clan was happily gunning down everyone on a "Capture The Flag" match, when he suddenly stopped running. We just thought it was lag, but then he started again and typed in on the public channel "Ummmmmm.....lol"

A few of us were wondering what was going on, but carried on blasting away when his messages start popping up.

"Not gooooing ttto be pllaaayyyyinggg goold at the mo, damn wife!"

Then we got "This is akward....arrgh llllool"

It then ended with "Soz guys, I gotta go, the wife's sucking my cock a bit too well at the mo" then he signed off.

Apparently she'd been at his cock for a good 10 minutes before he'd been stopping and starting. He was top of the frag board too until that point :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 19:31, Reply)

The girl next door
...was a rather fit lass, who'd had 15 minutes of fame in a TV ad that you'd remember if I told you what it was, which I won't. Anyway at that time I was unemployed, and spent a lot of time at my computer -- which was by the window in my bedroom, at the back of the house, overlooking our garden. And hers.

It was summer, and she got into the habit of sunbathing in her garden. Topless, wearing the tinest of bikini bottoms.

Oh my.

I can honestly say those were some of the happiest days of my life.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 19:28, 1 reply)

shortcut
I used to jump a back fence instead of walking the extra mile around the neighborhood. I hopped up the wall and almost fell over backwards when I saw the neighbor pounding the snot out of his lovely wife. The large un curtained sliding glass door left nothing to the imagination. I only watched for a few seconds. Afterall, I still had to live next door to these people.
(janetdoggy, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 19:17, Reply)

Nursey
On Friday nights I would go round to my friend's house, where we would drink beer and watch the nurse in the house opposite getting rogered quite royally by her boyfriend on the living room floor.

Every week, same time, doggy style.

It was cheaper and more entertaining than going to the pub, and we agreed that their ignorance of the concept of 'pulling the curtains' doesn't make us bad people.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 19:13, Reply)

One very drunk night in kalamaki
I couldn't remember the face, only the shape; and it was large!
Getting busy on a sun bed on the each, when a round of applause and cheers erupted from a balcony on high! Looking up, there were 4 lads sitting there having an end of night drink.

To say it put me of my stroke was an understatement, as I was having difficulty concentrating anyway. So up I got, tucked him away, and mumbled something that can only have be translated by an deaf Inuit with a hair lip!

I was later seen climbing from balcony to balcony on the third floor of our hotel trying to get into our room cos I'd been locked out!
( firstinch returns after about 10yrs, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 19:06, Reply)

The Shame...
I was at one of the Glastonbury Festivals with my boyfriend, my Brother and a Girl friend, she was just a friend not attached to any of us in the biblical sense. It was one of the first 'wet' festivals, it was great but very muddy. Anyway, after a very long and wet evening we walked back to the tent, the tent was a straight four man tent, no dividers, very small, we all were a bit merry and we had a bit of a laugh with the glow in the dark things, taking the caps off and swirling them around and making star bursts across the inside of the tent, eventually we decided it was time to turn off the lights and try to get some sleep. My boyfriend was obviously feeling very horny and he kept touching me and whispering in my ear, I replied, in a very stern whisper, that we were not in the tent alone and that surely he could manage without for just one weekend but he went on and on... he said it was ok and they were both asleep...to cut a long story short he eventually talked me into having sex, he even promised to not move much and to be as quiet as a mouse. Well we had barely climaxed and replaced our clothes when my brother piped up..."so is it time for a cup of tea now?" shortly followed by our friend saying "yes please, and how about a few biscuits I'm starving" Honestly I was completely mortified... my brother had been lying less than 6" away listening to me having sex and now my boyfriend was brewing tea for everyone as if nothing had happened..... if ever there was a better excuse for *coat then I would like to see it.
( Lula too poor to pay attention, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 19:04, Reply)

In a night club....
...talking to the manager while looking over a balcony onto the main dance floor. Some random couple are going hell for leather for it in a dark corner of the floor while everyone else is dancing away quite oblivious.

"Christ look at 'em two Gordon!" says I, dipping me bottle of cheap alcohol piss in thier general direction.
"I'm not having that........no immediate threat to the other customers though" says he, as he grabs a bottle, smiles and pulls up a stool. After they were done, he quiertly strolls over to a doorman and whispers some instructions to eject them from the club.

No point ruining a perfectly good moment, obviously.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 19:04, Reply)

I don't watch.
I DO.
(abignumber, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:58, Reply)

Tickets Please...
On my way home one night, a few years ago, I jumped on the train, had a chat with the guard, and then went and sat in one of the snug little compartments. A few minutes later, the guard very quietly opened the door of the compartment and made the internationally recognised hand gesture for 'quick, follow me very quietly'.

On walking up the corridor, we found the first class compartment dark, with all the curtains drawn. Very loudly the guard announces "tickets please" and slides the door back. There's a young lady, shirt hitched around her waist, while her other half is doing his best....

Do they stop at the interruption? Maybe get all embarrassed and apologize for their actions? Do they hell. He stops for a second, gives us a cheeky grin and merrily gets on with the job in hand - with two railway employees watching, amazed at the bare-faced cheek.


She seemed to quite enjoy the length btw.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:57, 1 reply)

I posted this 'un before
Enjoy a bit of pub voyeurism if you must

Ahhhh, those were the days.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:55, Reply)

Bloody window cleaners
Some months ago, I had the house to myself for a week. So I invited the girlfriend round.

Anyway, we were lying across the sofa in the living room, getting busy. There is a large window looking into the back yard, but no one can see us as the back yard has a tall fence all the way around it (with the exception of a gate), so I left the curtains open.

I hear a knock on the window and start getting paranoid. I remember that I've heard similar knocks before, which turn out to be the wind or something, so I continue.

The doorbell rings. "Fuck that, I'm busy", i think to myself and refuse to answer the door.

I checked the post later in the day and saw the "your windows have been cleaned" slip lying amongst a small pile of letters and newspapers.


Oh dear.
Haven't told her yet though.
(Grim Jimm makes loud noises at myspace.com/corpsewalking, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:54, Reply)

First page!
Saw you (yes, YOU) in a mag, kissing a man!

/obscure Minor Threat reference
(SurferRosa causing the lamentation of the womenfolk since, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:53, Reply)

We must have all been...
Just around the cusp of 16 years of age. Our more advanced chums had discovered the benefit of sexy activities. We hadn't.

We were at a mate's house. A few of us. A discreet and calm gathering was all it was, and yes we were on the pissed side of tiddly. Anyhow, our most advanced chum and his lady friend were quite patently getting it on in their single sleeping bag.

We kept calling out "The Lada Dealers have done it again!"
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:45, Reply)

Aaah, yes...
I lived in an apartment building that had two floors with eight apartments. The four on one side faced the parking lot, and the other four had a view across an expanse of lawn to a roww of evergreens that screened us from the back of a shopping center. My apartment was on the second floor, facing out over the lawn. All of the apartments had balconies, about eight feet deep by sixteen feet long.

My balcony, since it faced north, was quite sheltered even during storms, so I had a fair bit of furniture out there- a table, a small loveseat and two battered old wooden rockers. (I nicknamed them Mick and Keith, by the way.) I had plants on the table, but also had smallish candle lanterns all over the place out there- four along the edge of the roof, four on the railing below them, and a hanging set of candle holders. At night, with all of the candles lit, it was a very cozy and romantic little spot.

One night I had a woman over for the weekend, and after cooking dinner for her I took her out to the porch to sit since it was such a nice night out. I settled her in a rocker and started putting tea lights in all the lanterns and lighting them, starting at the far end of the porch. I chatted with her as I worked until I was up to the last couple of lanterns. As I finished lighting the last one I turned as she put her hands on my hips to turn me and slid down my shorts.

I stood with one hand on the railing to keep my balance as she worked on me, and as she was getting me closer to the vinegar strokes I heard a gasp and a metallic jingle. I looked down in time to see one of the gay guys from downstairs scrabbling around in the grass for his keys, then running inside in obvious distress.

It wasn't until a couple of years later that I mentioned this to the woman in question. (She's still a good friend, even though we didn't work as a couple.) She was silent for a moment, then burst into a startlingly raucous laugh...

I really miss that porch.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:38, Reply)

Events Occur in Squeal Time
Throughout my life, I have seen the odd nudey magazine at a young age, and even oggled the odd Page 3 model whilst going through puberty. But my first experience of actual hardcore porn happened at aged 14.

It was 2002. I had recently become obsessed with a brand new drama called 24. I absolutely loved the tense drama and the whole twists and turns the plot took. I was hooked. I talked about it with my friends, even waited with baited breath for the DVDs.

However..

There was this one time I went to a house party. Typical teenage house party with sex, drugs and loud music. Eventually, I stumbled home and decided I wasn't tired. I decided I'd check out to see what was on the TV. Flipping through the channels, I caught what I thought was a '24' catch-up on BBC2. Xander Berkely (who plays George Mason on the show) was on the couch with some woman, chatting. "Brilliant" I thought, "I'll just watch a load of tense American drama before I go off to bed!".

Xander Berkely carried on chatting to this girl. I started to get uneasy, for I didn't remember this ever happening in the television show that I knew and loved. Suddenly, Xander dived underneath the girls skirt, took off her panties and started giving her a spout of cunnilingus.

What. The. Fucking. Fuck.

Suddenly, my Dad walks in to a scene with me, slack-jawed, watching a porno on Channel 5.

Good old Channel 5. Once I found out they did porn, there was no other channel I loved more.
(__, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:35, Reply)

they tried to voyeur me.. bastards.
recently bought a car, a used one, that being a subaru I proclaimed "has a bulletproof engine".

oh no, i was sadly deluded.

After a 200 mile round trip, the motor starts producing a loud clacking sound whilst travelling at speed on the motorway.

I quickly pull over, stop, try to start it again but it isnt happening. its dead.

So we call the RAC and say "its knackered, we need a tow home".

They turn up in a van, make a vague attempt to look at it, only to say "its knackered".

great, thanks for that.

SO as its only a van, all they can do is tow us off the motorway onto a side road and leave us at a layby.

and this is where the fun starts.

The layby is a nationally famous dogging spot.

So me and mrs fridge are sitting in a car with steamed up windows in a very popular dogging spot.

The first few taps on the window with suggestive looks by some sweating freak were amusing I guess.

The first few random people getting in other random cars and seeing the vehicle rock from side to side. amusing.

BUT .. it took the RAC 5 hours to get a proper truck to take us home, and 5 hours of random gurning perverts hoping we were going to be prime fwap material left me feeling dirty and abused.

we both felt raped by voyeurs.
( pregnantfridge, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:34, Reply)

At a mates 21st birthday party a good few years ago....
As at all good house parties, the beer was flowing, the house was being trashed and everyone was getting pretty wasted. I started to feel in need of a place to crash out, and wandered up to my mate John's room.

Upon entering the room I discovered a couple going at it hammer and tongs. Sneaking out without being seen I went downstairs and announced to John in a loud voice that "people were fucking in his bed".

All of the males at the party then went up to have a look. Except John who ran outside to puke up. The shagging stopped (well I would be put off by 10 blokes watching) and everyone wandered off dispointed.

Until later on when the bloke (who was French) pulled the covers off so we could ogle his bird after she'd passed out.

Good times.....don't ask about length, I wasn't looking at that!
(LargeDoner, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:28, Reply)

I
walked in on a girl pleasuring herself at a party. She asked me to take part. i declined. she looked like a fat asian man with long hair.

more later

EDIT: first post! i love myself
(papa bouba slap your face, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 18:23, 1 reply)