Not so much 'boats' but....lilos
I went to Kavos with three mates and round the pool we managed to collect 6-7 lilos and place them across the width of it. This made an amusing 'bridge' and everyone was all having a laugh running across it.
All of a sudden, the coach with the all the fresh holidaymakers on rolls up and a bunch of what were literally, Stoke City football hooligans, jump off. You could see the pool from the road and a couple of them threw their cases to one side, stripped down to their boxers and ran over to the pool cheering and shouting. The lilos had just been put back in place and the first guy went to run across them, slipped on the very first one and flew backwards cracking his head open and knocking himself out. We had to dive in and literally drag him out, blood was squirting out of easily a 6 inch gash in his skull. Eventually we got him off to the doctors who patched him up and he was back at the hotel the next day. He had the biggest bandage you have ever seen round his head, covering up 27 stiches. For the rest of the two weeks in Kavos, he couldnt drink, go out in the sun or go to sleep without someone checking on him to make sure he didnt slip into a coma. Couldnt play football, rent a moped or have sex with one of the very willing ladies there.
He actually turned out to be the nicest bloke out of the 12 or so lads he was with but maybe because he wasnt drunk!
(Queef In a Jar, Wed 7 Nov 2012, 16:43, 2 replies)

This one time...
...I took my grandad off on a cruise around the Bahamas for his 70th birthday.

Honestly, it was an utter disaster.
We stopped off in the capital for a few drinks and ended up getting into a row with some locals, the boat's skipper got pissed up one night and tried to steal from him and as for the chef?
Well that cunt not only did he eat my evening meal but he threw away my breakfast as well.
Worst trip I ever went on, I wanted to go home.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 7 Nov 2012, 14:37, 5 replies)

I went on a banana boat once
it wasn't very big :|
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 7 Nov 2012, 13:27, 2 replies)

Reefer Madness
A mate of mine had bought himself a little RIB and was keen to try it out, so we tripped off to a nearby bay where there was a little slipway and a set of pontoons. We got the RIB launched and tied it to the pontoon for loading up.

The pontoon was generally used for landing prawn catches and the like, so it was well used by proper sea-savvy types. One of the fishermen there wandered up and admired the boat for a bit, then said "When you're going out, don't go straight out, because there's a reef there".

"Okey doke" we say, "Thanks for the tip".

In due course, we get everything ready, climb aboard, start the big outboard, and my mate steers us out to sea by heading straight for the entrance to the bay; in the process sailing over the reef and knocking the propellor clean off. After a moment where we tried to work out what the hell had happened - accompanied by a mixture of disdain and hilarity from the fishermen on the pontoon - we shouted across and asked if someone could tow us back.

"Ye daft bastards" opined the guy who'd warned us about the reef.

But he climbed into his boat to go and tow us back, and started her up. We couldn't hear what he was saying to the other people there but there was plenty of shaking of heads and raucous laughter, and we sat drifting out to sea feeling really, really stupid.

Mind you, we felt an awful lot better when he untied from the pontoon and sailed straight over the reef, knocking *both* of his propellers off.
(richardm, Wed 7 Nov 2012, 12:09, Reply)

i went to Bath last week

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 7 Nov 2012, 9:04, Reply)

i had a bath last week

( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Wed 7 Nov 2012, 7:11, Reply)

Being cajoled into going out on a pal's home made sailboat
it worked really well going downwind but would give you a negative headway if you tried to sail upwind. By 3AM I was wet, tired, cold and hungry. My pal didn't appreciate being called a twat while he was in the water propelling the boat back to the launch with a flutter kick.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 7 Nov 2012, 4:15, Reply)

How to be rich, properly.


(To clarify, I am not advocating the right way is to ride Richard Branson.)
(speedevil, Tue 6 Nov 2012, 23:20, 5 replies)

Torpe-doh!
In 1940, my Grandad was conscripted into the Army, to be trained up as a gunner for an artillery regiment, by through some odd process, was transferred to Navy control as they were short of people to man guns on ships and then on to the Merchant Navy to man an ancient pop gun as part of a unit called the DEMS (an odd situation that meant he was entitled to three flags on his coffin).
One night while out in the Atlantic, he was on watch looking for submaries, ships, anything that might present a threat, when he saw a streak in the water some distance out. The alarm is rung, the gun swivels and the barrel is depressed (poor thing) and a foot hovers over the fire pedal. The distance closes, almost into firing range. Ships are too close either side to take violent evasive manouevers, so he prepares to shoot...
At which point, the track takes a sharp turn and jumps out of the water to reveal a porpoise that nearly got itself turned into jam.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 6 Nov 2012, 19:59, Reply)

Hare Krishnas
I rowed to an island of Hare Krishnas on a boat made from old coffins.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Tue 6 Nov 2012, 15:24, Reply)

Supermodelz, lulz

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 6 Nov 2012, 14:35, 20 replies)

I have never been on a Plane, Never mind a boat...
But my grandpa was in the Navy (Merchant I think) and so are one or two of my cousins, Does that count?
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Tue 6 Nov 2012, 13:39, 3 replies)

Performed on a floating stage once.
The writhing of the gut-lashed boards under our feet and the slick, grimy cowling erupting in burst boils of bilious sunlight made our petrochemical blood churn in our designer veins, as we rolled and thrashed in chiaroscuro waltzes, our muscles scorched, giving a charity gala concert to a bunch of toffs at Henley.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 6 Nov 2012, 11:42, 2 replies)

I used to go to a caravan site on the west coast when I was younger.
One of my friends had a rowing boat and we would often look out across the loch to some of the islands and think how cool it would be to go there. So one morning we decided to go for it, after all, the islands weren't that far away.
Yeah, only a couple of miles. Of a sea loch. Near the mouth going to the Atlantic.

The fishermen that picked us up were very nice about it all. Our parents, were not.

tl;dr? I DUN A SILLY IN A BOAT WHEN I WAZ LITTLE
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 6 Nov 2012, 10:42, 11 replies)

Like many of us, I remember where I was when the Herald of Free Enterprise sank.
Nuts deep in a rather fetching young lady who'd worn some lovely cream coloured silky stuff just for my delectation, I only half heard the news story as I searched for her secret keel or something.

Maritime anecdotes don't get any better than this, not in my head anyway. Fuck boats.

.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 6 Nov 2012, 2:40, 19 replies)

Worked on these for 2 years.
youtu.be/aNSijSLUcPc

They were built a massive steaming turds of WWII metal. Nothings changed. Leak like sieves, poison you with fumes, need 5 fucking bilge pumps just to stay afloat, turning circle of a unicyclist on on bungee rope, no power steering and just looking at a gradient makes them go to pieces.

Oh and this happened...

youtu.be/DI-v3nCPfaI
( rjmrjm, Tue 6 Nov 2012, 0:14, 3 replies)

Menai straits
Doing a day skipper course out of Conwy in a Very old Victoria 32, instructor Dave (I've got a metal plate in my 'ead, make sure I take my tablets) decided we should practice 'man overboard' retrieval.
A fender (not Rhodes) was attached to a bit of blue (floating) rope and a bucket then chucked overboard.
The blue rope (sheet) was of the non floating, but prop fouling variety.
We now have 1 crap instructor and 5 novices wandering around Anglesey with a blue rope wrapped round our propellor.
The tides round there are a bit interesting and Madame of my family explained if we didn't get this sorted in the next hour this boat will be an interesting shore ornament.
Skipper Dave (metal plate in 'ead) had to call Conwy school of yachting boss, and ask him to come and get us...
He then stopped his offshore racing stint (on a Sigma 32 if anyone cares) with proper high paying yotties, and come and rescue us. He did, all was fine, until, we went in that pub below the Menai bridge and the owner of the rival school of yotting walked in with a fender, a bit of blue rope (non floating) and a bucket, then asked in a less than subtle style 'Anyone Lost A Man Overboard?'
(barty, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 23:20, 4 replies)

I once caught a ferry from aberdeen to bergen
there was storm in the north sea, before it got dark it looked like the waves were mountains. I spent my time happily bouncing off the corridor walls making my way between the bar and my luxury plastic seat, stepping over and in vomit, trying not to spill too much heineken
Around midnight I had the bright idea of opening the outside door to look at the storm. As soon as I undid the bolt the door flew open like a toilet door kicked by an incontinent rhinocerous, and horizontal rain, howling wind and seaspray knocked me backwards and soaked the everyone in the room, including some who'd abandoned their own designated luxury plastic seat and had taken to sleeping on the floor. It took four men to get the doors closed again. I swapped out my drenched clothes for my only backpack alternative, which was a pair of shorts and t-shirt. This was how I arrived in Norway at 4 am. In darkness. In the snow.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 21:37, Reply)

I once made a parody of a QOTW answer.
It was nothing like the original.
(Elephant Balderdash attempting to bottle the absurd, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 21:02, Reply)

I once sucked a massive pile of sweets and it was nothing like a yacht.
It was more like a bank note depicting a tearful supermodel.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 20:23, 2 replies)

I once owned a yacht and it was nothing like tearing money up
It was more like getting sucked off by supermodels on a massive pile of sweets.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 20:09, 4 replies)

I once stood in the shower and tore up some bank notes.
It's nothing like being on a yacht.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 19:20, Reply)

Owning a yacht
is like standing in the shower tearing up £50 notes.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 19:17, 2 replies)

We needed a bigger boat.
This was it...

Some RAF chaps (including yours truly) were detached to Royal Navy assault carrier HMS Intrepid for the journey from Aden to Sharjah in the Persian Gulf. The ship was loaded up but was not due to sail until the following day. While on deck "guarding" our choppers I noticed some off duty matelots sitting near the back of the ship with lines in their hands (no rods). The "lines", fairly thin rope,with a steel trace and a very large hook. Their bait was scrounged from leftover meat in the kitchen.
To be honest, with such crude tackle, I wasn't expecting much. Hours went by and nothing happened when suddenly one of the sailors felt something pulling. His mates let go of their lines, which were all tied to the rail. They all joined in and helped him pull on the rope.
Now came the surprise. Someone on the bridge must have seen the struggle and lowered the motorised boom at the back of the ship. The fish was pulled into the landing craft bay, which was empty of craft and the boom was then raised. For the first time we were able to see the fish. It was a medium sized shark, not a man eater by any means but scary enough for me to avoid.
The next bit made my day. The fishermen pulled knives from their belts , put them between their teeth and dived into the bay, pirate style. They all returned with various bits of shark, some of which was cooked for them by the Chinese kitchen staff, the other bits were used for bait. Later in the mess they told me this was a regular occurrence.
HMS Intrepid was scrapped some years ago, as was I.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 5 Nov 2012, 18:11, Reply)

I love a boating holiday, me.
Where else is it encouraged, practically compulsory, to get sozzled on real ales and then take charge of a 60' long vehicle?

Also, you get to dress up.


( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 17:59, 15 replies)

Something edgy about the Marchioness/Herald of Free Enterprise

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 17:45, Reply)

pushing the boat out
On a narrowboating holiday, my so was pushing the boat out from the bank and as the boat went out he passed to point where he should have let go. In slow motion we all watched as he seemed to stretch out with his feet on the bank and his hands gripping the side of the boat, then fell in face first.

He felt quite put out at our laughter so at the next believable opportunity I 'accidentally' did the same thing. Actually it was quite fun... And as it was planned, the (now ex - hurrah!) wife happened to have the camera to hand and videoed the whole thing.
(teasus likes tea, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 16:49, 2 replies)

recently went to bruges
on one of those mini cruises. it was all a bit last-minute, as a holiday to spain had fallen through. still, i'd never been to belgium, so i was looking forward to it.
i think we'll skip straight past the atrocious coach driver who turned up late, gave us no information whatsoever and let 5 elderly passengers(his dad being one of them) start getting pissed the second they got on the coach and start with the ship. i've been on cross-channel ferries many times, so i knew pretty much what to expect regarding dining rooms/bars/shops, etc.
what i wasn't expecting was the cabins. seriously, i thought they'd put me in the broom closet by mistake. those things are too small for even an experienced cat-swinger! i decided there and then that the less time i spent in my matchbox, i mean cabin, the better.
the ship itself was rather nice, the food was good and plentiful, although curiously lacking in taste. the shops were not as expensive as the ones on the channes ferries and the bars were extremely reasonable. this resulted in me getting rather twatted on tequila slammers in the lounge bar and almost heaving all over the deck. whilst waiting for my queasy stomach to calm down, i looked out over the still, moonlit sea. it was so quiet and peaceful. then, about 10 feet from the ship, i saw a curved dorsal fin. i'm pretty sure it was either a dolphin or a tequila-based hallucination.
bruges is delightful, quaint and picturesque and smelling of chocolate. i loved it there. sadly, i didn't get to see nearly enough before we had to leave.
now, i'd taken this trip with my parents as the whole thing was their idea. what wasn't their idea was an elderly couple, both with mobility problems, being given bunk beds to sleep in. the travel company hadn't mentioned bunk beds at all. being a gentleman(i.e, he got nagged into it), my dad took the top bunk.
he fell out.
the crew couldn't have been nicer. a doctor came almost immediately to make sure he was o.k, they were given a different cabin with both beds at a normal level, my dad was wheeled around by a steward until he managed to convince them he was fine and the captain sought us out to apologise and offer any help dad needed or wanted. really, you just couldn't fault them. the captain even apologised again as we were disembarking. apart from the cabin sizes, i'd definitely do it again.

tl;dr
went on a boat, got pissed, saw a dolphin, dad fell out of bed and the people were nice.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 16:00, Reply)

Speedboat
I’ll soon be taking a speedboat transfer to our luxury island resort in the Maldives.

Getting married has a few perks – even if they are short-lived and very expensive.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 15:00, 6 replies)

I've always thought it would be fun to have a remote-controlled truck with a remote-controlled helicopter on the back
which you would launch from said truck while it was going along, and fly the helicopter over to the boating pond and land it on your remote-controlled boat - preferably while that too was going along.

One day when they let me out of nonce-school I hope to achieve this.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 14:48, Reply)