Sneaky punter comes in my pub trying to fuck up my shit
I used to live in a pub with my parents and worked behind the bar. One day I got a call from a pub up the road saying there was an young lad walking towards my pub (giving a full description) and he was going to try and fleece me out of some money. They went on to explain that he tries to pay with a £20 note, taking the £20 back then gives you the exact amount, then tries to pay with a tenner and as you pass his change over to him he tries to pay with a fiver, in the confusion he essentially makes off with the money you’ve taken out of the till for the change from the original £20. Confused? I was but it’s cunning.

Anyway, the little bugger struts into my pub not knowing I’m forewarned and more to the point forearmed. He orders a pint of lager and tries to pay with the £20, I smile and turn to the till, he then tries to pay with the change, then he pulls out the £10 saying he needs the extra change for the cig machine and eventually moves to the clincher move where he tries to pay with the fiver. At this point I snatch all of the money from him a punch him square on the nose. Poetry. He stands there confused as hell, his nose redder than Roy Hattersley’s, and I get to shout something I had never said before or since “get the fuck out my pub”.

One of the best days of my life. I’m a modern day fucking Sherlock Holmes. Case closed.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:13, 78 replies)

Did you then rub the money all over your naked body, while all the girls in the pub stripped and took it in turns to sit on your face?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:19, closed)

He spent the confiscated twenty on petrol for his Accord.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:26, closed)

It was an MG Metro at the time.....
...it was the 90's
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:33, closed)

What does the MG stand for?
Mega Gay?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:34, closed)

Almost.......almost.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Austin_Metro
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:36, closed)

As I recall, lots of Sherlock Holmes stories feature him having everything explained to him by someone at the pub up the road
and end with him punching the villain on the nose
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:22, closed)

Perhaps it's something to do with an addiction to intravenous drugs, or sharing a flat with another man

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:40, closed)

Actually, that would have made them much more fun to read.
"Once you have elminated the impossible, whatever left, however improbable...ah...just sock the bounder on the hooter'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:20, closed)

There is one short story where he takes a riding crop to a bloke,
but the bloke bolts out the door before Holmes can belt him one.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 20:33, closed)

Only
because he is too busy shooting up
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 9:58, closed)

So basically
you're saying you assault and rob your customers?
(username failed moderation, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:25, closed)

he should stop being a publican and become a politician

(TitanLX, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:29, closed)

Is he a customer if he's not spending anything?
Is a shoplifter a customer?
A Burglar a houseguest?
A rapist an ex?
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:34, closed)

Stop making excuses
you violent tealeaf.
(username failed moderation, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:37, closed)

If it's any consolation I spent the loot....
...on beer in my own pub. That's called quantitative easing.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:39, closed)

Er,
I'm trying to work out what that means. I think you just ripped the space-time continuum.

Another black mark, you're having a good day.
(username failed moderation, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:42, closed)

I read it as such.
Man comes in and orders drink, has his money taken from him and is punched in the face, based on hearsay.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:46, closed)

I'd never punch based on Heresay
Now Steps.....that's a different matter.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:51, closed)

So did you or did you not punch someone completely unprovoked and then steal their money?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:54, closed)

Hmmm, band name puns not working. Will switch to direct mode.
If you've ever had your wages docked because the till has been short then you'd know what I'm talking about. Essentially he was trying to rob me of my wages.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:59, closed)

Yes, you have said that already.
But was punching him really necessary?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:00, closed)

...wasn't it you who hulked out and punched some myopic internet lothario at a 'b4sh', after he'd had a ride on your swamp donkey?
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 21:04, closed)

Oh LOL.
Is that true? The silence suggests so.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 14 Oct 2011, 10:53, closed)

You're coming across a violent, state-educated pleb.
Did you really think you deserved your wages?
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 0:01, closed)

State educated with a Masters and dammed proud of it Tory boy.

( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 14:16, closed)

A Masters in what, burglary? Smashing car windows? Small-minded bigotry?
Don't think you can somehow become educated and worthy by brown-nosing your way through academia, sonny Jim.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 21:54, closed)

so you are boasting that you're a worse person than they are????
whatever floats your boat I guess.
( RocketSurgeon is pretending he's still young, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:29, closed)

Cor and you shagged Jenny's Mum !!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:30, closed)

Winning

( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:32, closed)

You're definately winning at the game of qotw

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:33, closed)

and you Rory
are losing it
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:38, closed)

Careful Rory, Andy's played the Legless Gambit here.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:44, closed)

predictably
cheers
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:45, closed)

I think you'll find Benedict Cumberbatch is a modern day Sherlock Holmes.
And you sir, are no Benedict Cumberbatch.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:45, closed)

Bernard Cuminhispants?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:46, closed)

Now THAT is a qotw name.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:47, closed)

I'd like
To redeem Emvees points without getting punched please.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:47, closed)

I'd have gone straight to the police if I was that guy, that's fucking horrific, you broke his nose and took his money.
Seriously, that's scary that you would do that, you could have just, you know, not fallen for the con and bared him from your pub, but instead you violently assaulted someone and stole money from them.

If this happened how you said in my local, I personally would have shopped you into the police, I can't stand unnesersary voilance.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:49, closed)

Living in a pub is much like being in prison....
....you can't let the punters see a glimpse of a weakness, or, they'll all take the mickey. Granted, my actions were a little excessive, but to this day the story is retold by the remaining barstaff. If you've ever had your wages docked because the till has been short then you'd know what I'm talking about. Essentially he was trying to rob me of my wages.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:56, closed)

And what if he'd reported you for assault?
Why didn't you just tell him to fuck off?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:58, closed)

Are you a retard?
Man with bloody nose: Excuse me officer I was attempting to steal from this publican and he punched me on the nose.
Policeman: Are you a retard?
Me: Just call the pub up the road, he stole from them only minutes earlier.
Man with bloody nose: But he punched me?
Policeman: You're nicked.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:01, closed)

That is exactly how the law works, yes.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:03, closed)

Yes, because the man would tell the police he was trying to steal from you, wouldn't he?
Jesus.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:05, closed)

You would have both been taken in I'm afraid
And chances are you would have come off worse as there's no way you could've proven that he tried to scam you or the other pub. He, however, would have a pretty good case against you for assault. Soz.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:06, closed)

It would have been incredibly simple for the scammer to say it was an honest mistake and return the money to the first pub, and that'd be that.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:08, closed)

Quite
While our handsome hero relaxes in a cell nearby, he'll be off trying to scam another pub further down the road
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:09, closed)

I'm willing to bet that if he attempted something like this now the scammer type would most likely stab him up a bit.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:17, closed)

GIMME MAW CHANGE AWRILE CUTCHA!

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:21, closed)

& of course this fellow who was trying to rip you off
is going to be completely honest & straight-forward with the police.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 13 Oct 2011, 21:26, closed)

Nope - still no excuse.
I've worked in some pretty grimy shitholes, in some of London's many arseholes, and been warned similarly of people approaching to try this (it's a really old con). I just simply refused or instructed the staff to refuse them service - very simple. No need for this over-the-top reaction at all, and if one of my staff did this I'd fire them on the spot.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:05, closed)

As I said.....excessive I know......
...also, I was the landlords son, so technically un-sackable!
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:09, closed)

Had one of the other staff done this, would your parents have sacked them?
I think so.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:12, closed)

I'm starting to sniff bullshit here.
No one's unsackable - son or no.

Honda Accords aside, this story just makes you look like a violent, stupid, fight-hungry chav as opposed to the hardman Sherlock Holmes that's clearly intended.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:13, closed)

Mg Metro.

( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:26, closed)

Bloody nepotism!
Another one to add to the list.

Do you tease puppies in your spare time??
(username failed moderation, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:14, closed)

You did this on purpose, didn't you?
This is a clever ruse to get people's backs up?

You're not really a fucking dickhead, are you?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:10, closed)

Indeed I am.
Indeed I am
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 17:13, closed)

Well this gets my vote for the
FAIL ARCHIVE.

You fucking plum.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 18:39, closed)

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 18:40, closed)

this is the best bit of
the entire thread
(spleenspleenspleen coffeeflavouredsugarcoatednicotine, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 19:36, closed)

you have no idea how much this just made me laugh

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 19:42, closed)

Bastard.
It's not even 0500 - I'm not allowed to have the silly giggles now or I'll wake everyone up.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 13 Oct 2011, 21:29, closed)

unexpected office lol. getting looks from colleagues -dang!
( awayfromthenumbers, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 11:22, closed)

I don't see how any of this would work,
other than the bit where a man got punched in the face.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 19:33, closed)

Oddly I think it is a genuine scam
although I am basing this on the fact that there was a recent Viz story about "Elton John's Twenty Pound Note Scam" that worked in exactly the same way. I didn't understand it then either, mind.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 20:14, closed)

Essentially they try to confuse you....
...by handing you money, then taking it out of your hands, then swapping it for a smaller amount, then back, then giving you a larger note. It's pretty confusing but if you know it's coming you can keep an eye out.

The one thing I forgot to add is around 5 months later he walked into the pub again and I was sat in the bar discussing third world debt and the plight of big breasted. He tried to do it again but this time to my Mum but I noticed him in time. I stood right next to him and put my arm round him and gave him a little wink. He went whiter than Michael Jackson, appologised and left never to be seen again.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 21:02, closed)

Did your mum give him a cup of tea,
whilst you were distracting him?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 21:27, closed)

Yeah it's a real con
To my eternal shame, as a naive trusting lad of 16 working in the local Tesco, I once fell for this hook line and sinker. It was only after he'd gone and I'd replayed the events slowly back in my head that I realised I'd been fleeced.
( Zoroastermouse thinks therefore he am, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 17:04, closed)

Fucking horrible....
....wasn't it?
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 20:40, closed)

Yeah it really was
It's such a small thing, but I still feel a bit embarrassed thinking how I was totally outsmarted by a stranger all those years ago. The worst thing was, when I told my mates at school they informed me that Penn and Teller had explained the con in detail on their TV show a few nights before - so he wasn't even a criminal mastermind, he'd just watched a TV show! Fucker.
( Zoroastermouse thinks therefore he am, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 2:44, closed)

"One of the best days of my life"
Says a great deal about you.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 5:16, closed)

Reading through this shit a 5:55.....
....says a lot more about you Tiger.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 14:22, closed)

touche
excellent come-back
(justin(e), Fri 14 Oct 2011, 15:36, closed)

Not all people on b3ta live in England...
5.55am for you is 12.55pm for me!
(Heggy, Wed 19 Oct 2011, 16:39, closed)

I lost my job when that happened to me
Till was down £50 or something. As soon as he walked out I knew I'd been stuffed. I've spent several years trying to work out just what the fuck he did. The cunt.

*edit* and fair play to you for popping him on the beak. The cunt.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 18:20, closed)

Thank you.
I knew eventually, someone, somewhere would get it. Winning.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 19:12, closed)

Because you still had the twenty in your hand..
Why didnt you just give it back to him, and take the tenner instead?..
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 22:21, closed)

Hmm.
Technically shoudldn't have punched him but the little twat probably deserved it. Too soft in England. Not enough good honest kickings in the back of the van these days. Take the riots for instance, if Spain could afford riots they wouldn't put up with them. Tear gas and plastic bullets all the way. Try that fucking shit in China, whose human rights record is obviously exemplary.
(El Foxerino, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 10:52, closed)