Fishy Mimsy.. and absoloutly NOT for the reason you'd expect...
Despite having slept with terrible shags, potato-sack stylee lovers, people who raked my manhood with thier teeth, and those who's genital hygene can be likened to that of a corpse, this has to be the worst night of amourous missadventure in my life.

********************************************

I'm going to apoligise in advance, and suggest that if you're eating, skip this and come back later.

Ere we go.. are you sitting comfortably? good.

I live in Sweden...

... and have in the past mentioned Surströmming and the violent aroma. If you doubt my wisdom, go and play with youtube. You'll find all sorts of people being violated by putrid fish smells.

Now.. Midsummer in Sweden is one HELL of a party. I've been here for a good few years, and I can't remember a single Midsummer where people haven't got royally rat-arsed, or fallen over while dancing round the giant phallic symbol that we erect for the party: Rinsing your recently abused pallette of rotten fish with large quantities of Vodka and Akvavit can get you more drunk than you'd care to imagine.. but as for the frog-dance there is no excuse.

Anyway... there's lots of rampant alcohol fuelled shagging that goes on. This night I was going to become another statistic.

6am, and the missus and I have swayed home in the lazy and meandering way that the drunks have perfected over an eternity of liver-abuse... We were determined to nail each other to the bed when we get home. Now.. to be fair to her she was awesome in bed, it's just that this night was about to go wrong. Terribly terribly wrong.

We'd both been drikning for nearly 12 hours straight. We were both obscenely drunk... and I was having difficulty getting hard. I could hardly keep my body erect, let alone Mr Winky. Missus Humpty decided that - as sitting on my face was always a dead-cert for trouser-snake charming - she'd hoik her dress up, and ride my tongue.. This she did. Rather hard. I'm not only used to this, but a great fan to boot. My tongue worked away at her feverishly, her cute puckered barking-spider a bare few milimeters from my nose. I was in heaven, and riding my face like a drunken pro, so was she.

She was sat in the perfect position to tug away at any signs of life, and as she and I both neared the point of no return I - mouth full of mimsy - was forced to heave air through my nose at a colossal rate, much like a jet-fighter at full throttle just before take-off....

We both came.... and - as fate would have it - the orgasm ripping through her body caused her to grind down harder on my face.. and fart: forecefully injecting un-diluted rectal gasses into my air-hungry nose.

A FULLL force, and totally ripe, hot Surströmming fart (far worse than the initial burst of smell from the tin), CLEAN up my nostrils. The reaction was instant.. and completely unaware of her crime and mistaking my convulsions as throws of exstacy, Mrs Humpty ground down harder on my face as I gasped for air.. The enormity of my horror peaked as, in the full grip of natural bolidy rejection, I hoyed my stomach's content, including a large amount of undigested, rotten fish, straight up her pink mitten.

As the fetid herring now deeply stuck in my nostrils caused me to start a gagging fit that would go on to last an apparent eternity, She ran screaming to the bathroom with rotten fish, stomach acid and alcohol dribbling from her burning mimsy.

Oh how we laughed. (much much MUCH later)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 15 Jun 2007, 18:29, Reply)

Am I the only guy here
Who's loving this QOTW because I get to read loads of girls' answers about sex with guys with tiny cocks, and so feel immensely manly?

Click "I like this" if you're also suddenly feeling very proud of your manhood.
(Adamish Time of death, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 0:02, Reply)

Broken Heart-Broken Fingers
I was seeing a girl who was (shoot me) still living with a boyfriend. At the time I was still at my folks so bedroom frolics were by nature impromtu moments.
I had met this girl at a nightclub and we had gotten a wee bit amorous while I was walking her home. Luckily we lived in Hull (lots of little alleyways to duck into!) and on the way home she dragged me into a dark and secluded place for a wee bit of stinky finger fun.
She was a fairly big lass (Hi Gemma if you are looking in) and was wearing the tightest of tight jeans. I undid the top button of these and slid me hand due south and inside her pants. I located the man in the boat and give him a quick touch-up before moving further down to wetter climes. So there I am, in February, the snow settling on my shaved head, with my fingers deep inside a fat lass in Hull. "Does it get any better than this?" I thought. It Didn't
My thumb relocated the man in the boat, and she seemed to enjoy so i rubbed more vigorously. My partner in friggage then whispered romantically "Fuck me, I'm cumming" and her legs gave way.
I mean GAVE WAY.
She landed on her knees and the following happened to me:-
2 x broken fingers,
1 x dislocated wrist,
1 x broken radius,
1x broken ulna.
Luckily we were just around the corner from Hull Royal Infirmary, and holding my arm, I staggered there with this girl still rosy cheeked with the FFG (Freshly Fucked Glow).
The Nurse took one look at my hand and said "erm, Mr Airliebird....... would you like to wash your hand before we go any further?"

Now that beats any banjo string snapperage stories.... I didn't even get him out!!!
(airliebird Has now found Twiglets in Sydney!!!!!!! yay!, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 11:38, Reply)

Afterwards
New bird, first shag, post coital fag and chat.

Her: Did you enjoy that?
Me: Of course! lets do it again.
Her: I cant believe i used to do this for extra money at university
Me: Seriously?
Her: Yes but I havent done it for money for ages. and I wont be charging you this time!
Me: So you were a whore?
Her: Well i dont like that word.
Me: I think i'll leave.
Her: My boyfriend will kick your fucking head in if he finds out what we just did.
Me: Fucking hell. Could you make this dreamy night even more perfect?.
Her: I stabbed a guy once. Not that deep. He was OK in the end.
Me: I have to go now.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:47, Reply)

Here goes....
So, I'm at uni, been seeing this guy for a week or so, and for the first time we head back to his room together. We kiss, we pet, he grabs a condom, strips while facing away from me, and then (like a magician revealing a fine trick) spins round to face me, johnny on, ready to go. My first introduction to his manhood.

It was miniscule. I mean, really, really. It was like a cocktail sausage wearing a see-through tent. It was smaller than my little finger, and I have ridiculously small hands (not quite Beadle, but close). He crawled towards me, and the condom just slid off his erect manhood like a baby snake shedding skin. He put it back on, and it just wouldn't stay, and inside me a mounting horror merged with a rapidly declining libido. But, we've come this far, and I felt bad for him all ready to go, and me tying my legs together, and I must admit there was more than a smattering of pity at his Honey I Shrank My Appendage, so I thought I'd just give him a blow job. Consolation prize. I threw away the condom, and got down to work.

You know how JD in scrubs has his own personal monologue running? Well, I have my own. Normally, it's fairly mundane and non-offensive, but as I grappled with distinctly less than a mouthful of willy, the little voice in my head piped up.

"This is what being a paedophile must feel like."

That was it. I couldn't continue. I practically spat his dick out and ran out the door. Poor sod.

B3ta first post! Sorry it's a bit epic.
(itsnotmehonest, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 13:15, Reply)

on holiday in Portugal
it wasn't very nice
(Madeleine McCann, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 19:38, Reply)

Pokemon
When I was at uni, I was seeing a really nice lad, and because it was my first proper relationship there was all the usual exploratory sex and giggling and it was good.
We (for shame) were really into Pokemon at the time, regularly having big Poke-parties in halls and being silly and generally having fun - and it was good.
Then, one night, said boyfriend took me gently in his arms in his uni-standard single bed and made love to me in his usual lovely, tender style. I actually thought at one point, I love this boy: I may marry him. That was definitely good.
Until moments later, as he shuddered into climax; my legs gripped round his ears, he screamed: "Pikaaaa.... CHOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that was not good.
(Miss Hobart, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 14:05, Reply)

Oh, I've been waiting for this one...
I was very tempted to go for a far longer version of this story, but I'll abridge it for reasons of... well, who cares, you'll enjoy it more if it's shorter.

Anyway... I met someone through friends who was only ever in my vicinity during holidays as she went to uni elsewhere. We made it rather obvious that we liked each other, but never amounted to anything in the time we were given.
Still, we kept in contact over MSN, and she often confided in me with her troubles... and confusions.

During Easter, while she was home again, we went out for a night and ended up back at my place with a little wine in us. The mood was a little strange, but a few episodes of Family Guy later and we were having awkward, quiet sex with the lights off, until she asked me to stop.

"Sorry," I said, falling off her. "Is there something wrong?"

She paused for pretty much ever with the most confusion I've ever seen evident in a person. And then, without looking at me, she finally spoke...

"Yeah," she sighed. "I'm definitely gay."
(Sparkytus is obviously not a golfer, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 21:17, Reply)

Poo tits
Received the following email from a friend a while back. I don't think he'll mind me reposting it here...

A friend of a friend (if only it were merely an urban legend as this would suggest), was going out with a lady. The evening progressed in a manner befitting two free and single individuals and they ended up back at her house, with the intention of becoming more than usually aquainted with each other.

Before commencing their lovemaking, the female of the pairing produced a plastic sheet to put over the bed. The reason given that they were using her parents' bed, and washing the sheets afterwards (as is only polite) would leave said parents in no doubt as to what had occurred.

So, plastic-sheeted, they continued. During the process, the male was surprised to feel a silk handkerchief being inserted into what had previously only been an "out" hole. This caused him some surprise, but what with all of the carnal ecstasy he was experiencing, he decided to let it go. Events progressed and the point of no return was reached, at which precise moment, the silk handkerchief was whipped free from its warm and rectal prison.

It is a quirk of physiology that his particular combination of orgasmic pleasure and handkerchief-related stimulation causes the contents of the lower colon to sense the same freedom as the handkerchief was now enjoying, and contractions occur to facilitate its rapid escape.

At this point, our male quasi-hero was rather upset, he stayed relatively motionless, eyes closed in panic. He could only think of two possibilities. Either his companion would be disgusted, ruining any chance of more carnal delight for some while, or she would be highly amused, and he would be ridiculed.

Bracing himself, he opened his eyes to find his bedfellow lightly massaging the newly-released contents of his bowels into her mammary areas.

That, in case you are still reading, is the legend of poo-tits.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 21:01, Reply)

When I was younger, still living with my parents and cycling everywhere from lack of driving license,
I set off from a pub, rather worse for the pathetically predictable student style binge drinking, on my bike.
Somewhere on the journey home I decided a wank was in order. Soon enough I found myself shit faced, cycling through the city with my cock out as I pumped away at it trying to stir some sort of sensation in my booze-numbed member.
Eventually I managed to reach the vinegar strokes. As I was reaching my house in fact. And so it was that I sprayed an almost perfectly horizontal line of spunk down the side of my dad's Ford Fiesta. Which, effectively, means I have fucked my own dad.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 20:17, Reply)

Sportsmans Double
Went out last week, much giggle juice. Pulled this older woman in this dodgy club (yeah I know,but she was in great shape for 48! im 33) Drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the Sportsman's Double: a mother and daughter three some!! I said no (bit freaked out I had to say but I was downing the beer by this stage.
We drank a bit more,then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her house, papping myself but intrigued! She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs. Mum..you awake?'

I thankyou...
(Nicksterrr, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:57, Reply)

Not me but a mate
My mate Ben was at his older sisters party when he pulled one of her mates. They decided to take a walk into the park behind.

They get a bit amorous and end up going for it next to a canal.

Job done my mate rolls off this bird and she stands up. Being the cunt that my mate is he decides to do one of the worst post coitus acts I've ever heard of.

As she's pulling up her knickers he kicks her straight in the arse and laughs as she falls head first down a dirt bank and into the canal.

Classy guy.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 6:19, Reply)

This was actually some of the best sex ever, for a while.
Basically, being 15, I had to leave iTunes on to cover the noise when my (older) girlfriend came round. We were just getting into things when Master of Puppets, by Metallica, came on. Awesome! I thought, being a big metalhead at the time.

However, if you listen to that song you'll notice the fucking aceness of the second guitar solo. So did I, and I stopped thrusting to air-guitar for the full 30-35 seconds of it.

To her credit, she waited patiently for the solo to finish, and we continued without a hitch. But looking back...well, what the fuck was I thinking of?
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 20:01, Reply)

The funniest sex I ever had
was with an ex about 4 years ago. I'd been cooking/eating whilst she was getting increasingly drunk on the sofa watching TV under a duvet at her parents.

After I'd eaten I sat and watched whatever wank film was on with her, who by this stage was pretty drunk, when her parents returned and sat down opposite us.

At this point my ex decided that it was a good idea to try and wank me off under the duvet. To be fair she was quite subtle. Until I tried to return the favour when within 2 minutes she started to moan and writhe quite a bit.

I had a bit of a smug grin at this point, all hail me and my mighty fingers.

It wasn't until she hissed in my ear that I realised why she was reacting in such a way.

"You haven't washed your hands"

I'd be cooking with fresh chilis.

She had a burning cunt.

How I laughed.
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Urban myth?
Not sure if this is true as it's a mate of a mate story, plus it may not have been the lady's worst sex ever but I'd wager it's competitive.

A mate told me about a mate of his shagging some lady he'd picked up on a night out. Apparently both were partly clothed and he was shagging her from behind in the time honoured doggy style when the following incident occurred.

In the throes of passion, the lady says to him, "I want to see your face". So, does he do the gentlemanly thing and relocate her into a suitable position her so that her wish may be granted? No, no he doesn't.

Instead he carries on humping away and without missing a thrust, reaches down into the back pocket of his jeans and produces for her....

...his bus pass.

Nice.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 12:39, Reply)

Man on Rope love
In my younger days, the lady i was with convinced me because her mate sharon said so, it would be fun to stick the end of a fat bit of rope up me bum, then pull it out at the moment of climax.

This she did, and i promptly shat myself.......... good times
( two_hats_shakir is going break dancing after his tea, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 13:34, Reply)

Two of Mrs M de L's former work colleagues get it on...
.....

Fat Margaret called at Annie’s house one sultry August nyghte.
Quoth she: “I need some pleasurynge, because I feel uptyghte.”
So Annie toke her by the hande and lede her through the door;
And with a frenzyed urgencye, their knyckers hit the floor.
She toke off Margaret’s blowse and saw her tittes were quyte a size,
And ran her digits over Margaret’s cellulitick thyghes.
“Oh, Annie!” she beganne to moane; her legges were opened wide,
So Ann explored her hairy snatche and slipped her thumbe inside.
She toyed with Margaret’s clytorysse and flicked its swollen tippe,
And severall moments later Margaret’s boxe beganne to dryppe.
Then Annie graspt a carrot, which she thought would do the jobbe;
Impressive of dimensioun, it was lyke a donkey’s knobbe.
She smothered it in butter and at once beganne to pumpe
Its warty shaft betwixt the cheekes of Margaret’s willinge rumpe.
She thrust away with vigour; Maggie’s arse was gettinge loose,
And soone the bitche was coming and was howlinge lyke a moose.
Now Annie turned most suddenlye; she heard a panting sounde.
Their congresse had alerted Annie’s large Alsatian hounde.
His eyes were exophthalmick and his tongue was lollinge out,
And from beneath his fur emerged a sticky, dribblinge spout.
He gazed upon his mistresse and he leapt upon her backe,
To poke his canid membre up her scrawny, fœtid cracke.
Then Mags became excited at the sounde of Annie’s moanes,
And wrapt her lyppes around the dogge’s hirsute, perspiring stones.
She sucked at them voraciously to bringe him off apace;
He fyred his loade up Annie’s twat and shat in Margaret’s face.
The dogge retired to reste awhile on Annie’s Persian rugges,
While she was left to lick the shit from Maggie’s steaminge dugges.
Without ado, she let escape a moste prodigious queefe,
And half a quarte of puppye sauce ranne from her drapes of beefe.
Then, standinge in the doorway, they saw Annie’s husband Pat,
Who said, enthusiastically, “I lyke the loke of that.”
They asked, “Hast thou been watchinge us?” and he replied, “Of course!
And after what I’ve seen tonyght, I’ll cancell our divource.”


.....
(Mathurin de l'Esprance felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 14:28, Reply)

In some dodgy nightclub in Swansea one night....
...was dragged into the toilets by some bird, plonks me down on the toilet seat and she gets down on her knees. She gets me lad ready, then aptly PULLS HER TEETH OUT and starts sucking me off.

Don't drink there anymore.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:25, Reply)

Eve...
When I was a student, there was a house in which 7 girls lived. I had great sex with 2 of them and disastrous experiences with 2 of them. I hasten to add that this was in my first year, and I was still not terribly experienced or indeed competent.

One night I had turned up there, pissed, with my mate. I was covered in mud, following doing a runner from a cab, and was trying to impress. About midnight Eve came home. I'd never met her before, but was impressed by her general appearance. An argument started, and she punched me in the face. I picked her up, ran the bath, and dumped her in it. We grappled for a bit and ended up kissing and fondling before legging it off to bed.

It was a shocking performance. It lasted barely minutes, and was amateurish in the extreme. The crowning moment was a loud fanny fart... "That wasn't me!" I said, crassly. I topped this a moment later when I let rip with a loud beer fart and said "That was!"
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sat 16 Jun 2007, 22:39, Reply)

eyes
A friend of mine was having sex with a girl one time, and she suddenly poked her fingers in his eyes!!!

Mind you he's a rapist.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 16:40, Reply)

My ex-girlfriend.
Easily the craziest girl in the world.

Easily.

She was the definition of Bunny-boiler.

But quite the goer in the bedroom. Her mum was out and we were getting down to it one day when she looked me straight in the eye and said:

"I want you to rape me"

I spluttered "w-what?" to which she replied

"Fucking rape me. Chase me round the house and rape me"

So there I was, I had to chase this girl around the house, both of us with our bits flapping around. When I caught her I had to put my hands around her neck and say things like "Shut up bitch or I'll cut you!"

This is ALOT less arousing than it sounds.

Particularly when she said "Oh no please stop!! Please let me go!!" and started sobbing.

I immediatly stopped thrusting and said "Oh my god are you okay? I'm not hurting you or anything am I?"

"No" She replied "I'm just getting into character..."



.
( KernKraft Gosh, there isn't much noise outside today, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 17:59, Reply)

Perhaps not the worse, but definitely the weirdest....
I'm quite a normal bloke when it comes to the naughties, and thought that as I reached my (cough) mid-30s I'd probably seen and done all that I ever would do.

Wrong.

Away on my team's annual trip to Lancashire last year, me and my room-mate copped off with a couple of ladies from the local boozer.

Incidentally, mine was an absolute corker - only 19 years old, with pneumatic breasts and a washboard stomach. A first year law student no less. Crikey!

We invite the girls back to our hotel room for 'drinks'. Upon arrival, my one wastes no time and promptly strips off and climbs into my bed. Slightly stunned, I follow suit - leaving my mate and his lady somewhat lost for words. They eventually strip off and climb into his bed, which is just 18 inches from my own.

The lights go off, nature takes its course, and we start to get down to business. However, the sound of my mate porking his (somewhat overweight) bedfellow was frankly putting me off my stroke. Try as I might (admittedly alcohol had probably also played a part) I just couldn't get the Little General to stand to attention.

Being the gentleman that I am (my mother would be so proud) I proceeded to satisfy my partner using a variety of methods, before we fall asleep.

Waking up the following morning, assuming that the evening's events were nothing more than a magnificent dream, I realised that it was all very very real. Now with the General fully up and saluting, and wishing to make amends for my previous failure, I grabbed my lady and dragged her off to the bathroom where I made up for lost time over the sink.

We return to Lancs in August. Click on 'I like this' if I should request a single room this time!
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:35, Reply)

TAZ220
.
Shagging the young daughter while the mum is in the room? Mate of mine did that.

We were walking over some fields one day when he stopped in a sheltered glen.

"This is where I lost my virginity" he said. "I shagged her doggy style, just there , while her mum looked on."

"Bloody hell" I said "What did her mum say"

"Baaaaa!!"

Well, it was the countryside.

Cheers

Legless

P.S. May not have actually happened and may well be an old joke...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:06, Reply)

Dripping Wet
When I was a younger man with greater stamina I was a young girl's first partner. Every time we had sex we had to stop some minutes in because she thought her bladder was going to explode. Being of only slightly more experience I reassured her that this pressure was the sign of a beautiful orgasm and she should go with it.

I had no idea matresses were so expensive
(bendyness shows you on the brick where he licked her, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:58, Reply)

the horror
Well, ashamed as I am to admit it i've had a number of nightmare encounters, though thankfully I can laugh a them in hindsight. In fact having foolishly submitted many of them in an email to get tickets for Graham Norton (I know) I was harrassed on the phone by their researchers for weeks trying to get me to come in and shame myself on national telly. NO fucking chance!

But since I like you all so much I'm going to divulge all.

I've had the mandatory banjo string snappage (left an attractive bloody smear on the wall as my remarkably still erect member dashed it's zorro like signature as I scrambled to the bathroom) Also gave her flatmate a shock as he returned unexpectedly and was greeted with a full frontal view of me butt nekkid and dabbing at my blood soaked cock with his towel.

On losing my virginity in the bathroom at a teenage house party I managed to twang the condom over the head of an irate dad coming to find his daughter. (being first time I didn't realise you had to ROLL it off)horffic memory, I still cringe.

One drunken night I used sweet and sour sauce as a makeshift lubricator without telling the girlfriend and had a shocked phone call from her the next day saying we had to go to the clinic because she just had a bath and was seeping orange from 'down there'. Was fun coming clean on that one.

On the grand occasion of my first ever threesome I managed to lose a BULLET up the fanny of one of the girls since she thought it would be dead erotic for me to try and stimulate her with it. (it was a blank ironically enough). After a few moments getting her to jump up and down to dislodge it the mood was well and truly lost.

and then finally, my most utterly humiliating sexual encounter, ended with me heading to casualty with what I can only describe as elephantitis of the penis.

to summarise (ish)...was at university going out with a fantastically numbile young lass who happened to be quite into her clubbing, preferably amphetamine enhanced. So I went out with her one night for speed/dance frenzy and ended up back at her place after. Now for those of you that have attempted chemically enhanced sex you will be aware that some drugs leave your member looking and feeling much like it's been soaked in a bowl of ice water for 24 hours, that is to say numb and utterly shrivelled.

My girlfriend however was very determined to have a shag and embarked upon a handjob that I couldn't feel and she, being off her nut, couldn't judge exactly how hard she was gripping or how long it went on for, and so ensued about an hour of vice grip tugging on my unfeeling member.

I don't remember when we gave up and passed out. What I do remember is waking up, going for a piss, and discovering that my penis looked like a ballon trick gone horribly wrong. It was swollen in precisely the wrong way, skin at breaking point, like it would pop if you stuck a pin in it. If you took one of those sausage shaped ballons, tied random loops of string around it then blew it up you would have something approaching the horror that was sitting in my pants at that time.

Fear and comedown induced paranoia dictated that I fling some clothes on and walk the 5 miles to the nearest hospital, peeking into my pants every few steps to check that it hadn't burst like an overcooked sausage.

I arive at casualty and after some agonised waiting I get my turn with a queue of people behind me. The nurse asks for my name and what my complaint was. Dying with shame but utterly convinced I had a ticking cock bomb in my undercrackers I mumbled that it was a bit personal and with a quizical look she ushered me to a private room. At this point the whispers started amongst the nurses.

In my little private room a nice middle aged lady came in and asked me what exactly was wrong. Still screwed on speed my brilliant response was "my penis is swollen".

There was an thoroughly unpleasant silence and then she asked me to elaborate. I told her most of the story but desperately tried to avoid any drugs related incrimination. She gave me a starnge look as if thoroughly convinced that I was actually some horrible pervert and had injured myself in some deviant form of onanism. She asked me to remove my trouser and pants and 'pop up onto the bed' which I dutifully did. She barely stiffled a laugh, poked it with a little wooden stick thing, then left the room assuring me a doctor would be along shortly. If she had had a camera she almost certainly would have used it.

It was at this point the hospital gossip went into overdrive as I had no less than FIVE different nurses pop into the room to assure me the doctor 'would be along soon' all the while staring at my sorry state.

Finally the doctor came in took a cursory glance, told me it was just abrasion swelling and that I should go home, wait for it to go down and then "check I could still get an erection".

Cunt.

The he asked me if he could bring in his students because he was 'sure they would find this most interesting'

NO FUCKING WAY!!!! was my polite response. Then made my inevitable walk of shame out of the room, through the wating room and out to the street.

The most gutting thing was that I went home, had a fitful nights sleep imagining exploding penises or living the rest of my life unable to get wood. The next morning, hardly daring to peek into my pants, I discovered all was back to normal. I nearly cried with relief.

Then it dawned on me that had I stayed at home I could have avoided the whole sorry experience.

Having said all that, I am actually a fantastic shag. Honestly.

Length?

*sobs*
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 20:27, Reply)

IT Geek
I was doing an IT course at uni, and had met a friend of a friend who was a reet horny devil.

We ended up fooling around on her bed, me laying back hands behind head as she played the pink oboe, when out the corner of her eye I spot her computer monitor...

I squint a bit to see what it says, and its some windows error (cant remember exactly) but I think to myself, "I can fix that from here if I can reach her keyboard"...

She looks up to find me twisting for the keyboard and bites down hard...

THAT REALLY HURT!!!

WTF did you do that for??

You were trying to fix my computer whilst I was sucking you off!!

I was trying to fully utilise the time we had together (lecture in an hour)


didnt last much long after that...
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:11, Reply)

The first girlfriend I had after coming to university...
On reflection, she was perfect. Very attractive, massive chebs, nymphomaniac...

I ended up breaking up with her because I was infatuated with an idiotic American (not nearly as attractive) and we didn't speak for a while.

Then, one day, she calls me up.

"I've broken up with (abusive boyfriend whose name I forget)... fancy a coffee?"

We met in town, she came straight back to mine and before I knew it she was all over me like a cheap suit.

So we ended up in bed. She was hot, I was crap.

We both finish off, and we're spooning in my single bed.

Then she starts crying about the ex. I'm naked, my turgid cock still throbbing, and I'm spooning a girl who's crying about someone else.

I can laugh about it now, but I every time I think of that poor, emotionally vunerable girl still wish I'd taken the opportunity and done her up the arse.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 21:47, Reply)

OK.
Girlfriend and I. Both living with our parents. Only opportunity for nookie in the car when one of us drove the other back home. Happily there was a moor about halfway between our houses and it was perfectly quiet, but not - you know - SCARY quiet.

One day, however, there were other people in our place. Bastards. Not to be deterred, and, frankly, with-horn, we drove on and found an MOD airbase all along one side of the longest straightest road I have ever seen. The usual spot was fairly secluded, but the base had a rough verge next to the road and I figured cars would be flying past far too fast for anyone to see what we were up to.

It was stressful to say the least. Cars shooting past made the car lurch sideways intermittently, and you could watch headlights appear on the horizon close together, slowly get further apart as the cars approached, then shoot by as the car rocked in the draft.

One set of lights did not get further apart. Indeed, that set of lights pulled in in front of us then turned off. We had both front seats folded back and I hopped like a salmon, trousers round my knees into the front seat.

In rather a panic I turned the headlights on. In the beam of my lights was a man in camouflage gear on one knee pointing a rifle through the windscreen. AS I SAW HIM there was a loud knocking on my window. I wound it down and another rifle poked through the window. I can smell it right now...

I bet they had a right laugh. I, on the other hand, thought I was going to die. Don't forget I am sat in the front seat of my Mum's Honda Fucking Jazz, on my bare arse, with my cock out. And, sitting bolt upright as the seat back was folded flat.

"Do you have any identification?" "Er, I have a Bristol and West Cashline card." "That'll do." ('That'll do'! As if terrorists can't get building society savings accounts) "It's in the back. Erm... [looks back]...can you pass me my wallet? It's in my coat."

Girlfriend, holding both tits under one forearm rummages through my pockets and passes me my pointless and embarassingly lame Cashline card.

"Right sir. As you are aware, there have been a lot of IRA threats on post offices recently, and we can't have people loitering by MOD property can we?" "I guess not." "We're going to let you go, but please - don't stop here again." Shit, I was going to be back tomorrow.

So that was it. Except I had to drive away from the base, down the hill, through Batheaston, down the dual carriageway, and about five miles further on on my bare arse, with my cock out, and the seat down, with my naked girlfriend shouting at me, until I could find somewhere to stop and get my pants up again.
( collapsibletank procreates, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 16:43, Reply)

Women..
1) I pulled a PE student once. She was fit, lythe and gymnastic. She also treated sex like a session at the gym. She would count the thrusts out loud, and shout "encouraging things" like, "is that all you've got", "another 10", "keep pumping, only another 5 to go". Apparently, thats what her ex liked. Weirdo.

2) At Uni, I pulled a 17 year old in The Raz. She was fit, up for it and ready to go. We nip into the ladies, she lifts up her skirt and in I go. Doggystyle is good, and we both reach a satisfactory conclusion about 5 minutes later. She jumps off, and disappears off to get her coat so we can go home to try some other things.

Trouble was, she was surfing the crimson tide, and the front of my jeans and my white t-shirt are now covered in blood. I have to walk out of the club looking as though I'd been shot in the groin. I got stopped by the police twice on the way home.

3) Last day of Year 12. Big party at Lara's. The whole 6th form is there, apart from Karen, the girl I've been after.

I proceed to celebrate the end of school education by drinking myself sideways. Lara's parties are famous for the amount of booze available, so by 1am I'm Boris Yeltzin on a bad day.

Trouble is, I've nowhere to sleep. SO the Hostess, Lara, offers to share her caravan with me. The obvious happens. Littel did I know how loud Lara was. Halfway through, Her mum walks in holding a torch and a knife, wondering what all the noise is about. I've got Lara on her back, holding her legs up in the air, going at her hammer and tongs and begging me to "f*ck her hard".

Needless to say, I wasn't invited back again.

The thing was, we went on a biology field trip later in Year 13, and repeated the same outcome. Trouble was it was in a very crowded Youth Hostel, and both of us had to ring home to tell our parents we were heard having sex. Lara's parents came and picked her up, mu dad said how proud he was of me...

Sorry for the length, I got excited...
(gjb006, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:58, Reply)