That's not how you make coffee.
As an 18-year-old A-Levels drop out, I managed to get myself employment as an office junior at a small machinery retailer. My job was simple: input customer data, order stationery and make coffee. That was it. Problem was, I'd never actually made coffee before.

Thinking it was somewhat similar to hot chocolate, I put three teaspoons of coffee into the mug, added sugar, water and a splash of milk and delivered it to the boss, who had requested it.

About two minutes later, he came into my office and requested that I join him in the kitchen. He then went on to show me how to make coffee properly, talking me through it as if I were a retarded six-year old learning how to use the lavatory for the first time.

I never quite forgave him for being such a condescending prick, but I did get my own back on him by adding some "special extras" to his coffee on more than one occasion.
(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:31, 32 replies)

stationery
stationary means to be still. stationery is equipment for writing, etc. you can remember this by thinking that stationery is used for writing letters and both words have an "e" in them, while stationary doesn't :)
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:33, closed)

Fuck off Grammar Nazi
I haven't had my coffee.
(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:36, closed)

Well, tell the retarded 6 year old to get a move on.
(Raki, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:38, closed)

Melvin! Get me my coffee, he-bitch!

(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:40, closed)

is that the coffee you finally learnt to make properly?

(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:41, closed)

I can make coffee properly now.
My parental units didn't keep it in the house. They were tea drinkers, so I never learned to make it. I only started drinking coffee when I started uni, which was 2 years after I quit this job. It was the only way I was able to make it to 9am lectures.
(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:44, closed)

Happy now?

(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:37, closed)

What were
the special extras?
(viciousal, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:36, closed)

To name a few ..
Saliva, salt (which I'm surprised he didn't notice), snot, etc. I rinsed his cup in the toilet once.
(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:39, closed)

Bloody Hell
did the spoon stand up by itself with three teaspoons of coffee?

Skip the milk, though. Just how i like it. Black. like my women
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:38, closed)

If it did, then I would have thought that it was supposed to be like that.

(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:40, closed)

I like my coffee to be
compliant and tearful
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:04, closed)

I like my coffee to be drunk.

(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:15, closed)

I like mine
COVERED IN BEES
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:08, closed)

Nice!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:33, closed)

beautiful. deep down i think we all do

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 21:07, closed)

I had a similar experience at my first 'proper' job
but the outcome was far better...they never asked me to brew up again. I did warn them that I'd never made Tea or Coffee before, well I never drank the stuff back then so why the fuck should I know how to make it?
It was better for them anyway, it was in a DIY type shop, they could've ended up with all sorts of 'special extras'.
(RTFM May your god go with you, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 10:48, closed)

It never occurred to me to tell him I didn't know how to make coffee.
But I was a stupid teenager.
(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:04, closed)

what bits did you put in his coffee
spunk or spit?
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:14, closed)

Spit

(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:15, closed)

If you where are cute little office girl
that would have got him off.

spit in it more.
(waxdart hello., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:52, closed)

next time
Ask him if he wants one spit or two, that should save you having to make him a drink forever...
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 13:20, closed)

Someone at work once had to ask me how to make a cup of tea
Do I put the milk or the tea in first? Said he.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:27, closed)

Tea first, then milk
The other way is "common".
(Happy Little Cupcake desires macaroni pictures., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:40, closed)

The other way is "stupid"
surely the tea-bag is less effective at dispersing it's wonderful flavoury goodness in cold liquid than boilnig hot.

*theory might be wrong but in practice correct
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:54, closed)

really the tea should be made in a pot
and the milk put in the cup and then the correctly brewed tea added.

fucking peasants
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:09, closed)

We don't all live in Weatherfield though

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:19, closed)

I heard a different version of the 'tea first' v. 'milk first' debate.
The upper classes added milk to the cup first because their tea services were made of fine porcelain, and pouring a hot liquid directly into them could have cracked them. The lower classes, on the other hand, drank tea from sturdy mugs, so you could pour the tea in first without worrying.
( .Yeti., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:37, closed)

I thought it was the other way around?
The rich had expensive cups that didn't break when you poured the hot tea in (Proper porcelain from China), but the poor only had cheap earthenware that cracked unless you put the milk in first?
(Nightviolet, Mon 19 Jul 2010, 12:48, closed)

No
the other way is Scottish. The only people I know who put MIF are Jocks.

edit: to clarify, that means tea bag, then milk, then boiling water. In a mug.
(mersault, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:49, closed)

milk in AFTER the teabag comes out!!
my mrs thinks the milk goes in WITH the teabag still in the cup!!

that's just plain wrong!! adding milk to a sodden teabag is a waste of milk! you take the bag out, THEN add the milk whilst stirring!!

women.....
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:43, closed)

tea
I cant tell you how many strong discussions Ive had with people who HAVE to have their Tea made with Tea then Milk. To the point where they see what im doing, grab the cup - pour the milk away and start again on my behalf.

Funny thing is, when they arent watching, I make the brews with Milk Before tea, they dont notice the difference, if anything they compliment me on the tea.

Also - squeasing the tea bg makes for a bad cuppa.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:53, closed)

Really?
You think you make tea with a tea bag, and coffee by the teaspoon? Tea leaves in a pot, and coffee, ideally, with a proper moka. Once you can do that right, then you can start comparing the merits of milk in first/last.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 18:27, closed)