the following is a leaked transcript of a telephone conversation between two leading MPs whose names rhyme with "down" and "bananafacecameron"HEY YOU!
eh?
WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
what?
WHAT YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT JUNK?
what junk?
ALL THAT JUNK INSIDE THAT TRUNK
what trunk?
THAT TRUNK RIGHT THERE ON THE STAIR
um, do I know you?
THAT LITTLE TRUNK WITH CLOGS ON
look, just go away will you
CLOGS ON HIS JUNK
fuck off
DUE TO CONCERNS ABOUT THE QUALITY OF THIS POST, IT HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH AN EDDIE IZZARD SKETCH. THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR ANY INCONTINENCE THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED
Yes, so I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. Yes. I say that, and people go, “Oh, yeah, yeah!” No, I was, I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. ‘Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is. So it’s “running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there.” That's where it is!
I used to keep my makeup in a squirrel hole, up the tree. The squirrel would keep makeup on one side, and he'd keep nuts on the other side. And sometimes I'd get up that tree, and that squirrel would be covered in makeup! ( mimes squirrel putting on makeup ) "La la, la la… Oh! ( mimes squirrel eating ) What?! Fuck off!" He seemed to say. And squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, and occasionally, they stop and go ( gasps ), as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit."
Yeah. So that's very much like the army-- the running, jumping, climbing trees is, not the squirrel bit-- the trees bit. And I was! I loved the army stuff, which is the running, jumping, standing still, “Found you,” ah-ah, flag, “Look,” hat, you know. Bang! I liked all that stuff, the gun thing… I liked blowing up milk bottles. You know, kill the milk bottles. Boom! Explode milk bottles. Yes. It seems fun - there's this thing of power in you hands. There's all this National Rifle Association and everyone in America is - I mean, 13 year olds keep going out and they get hold of weapons from their grandfather's arsenal! "I'll borrow the Howitzer, the M16 machine gun, the Uzi…" What the fuck's the grandfather doing?! This kid down in Arkansas just helped himself to a ton of military weapons, and went and blew away his school!
And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that… ( imitates gunfire noises ) I think they should just try that, you know.
But yeah, shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay pigeons, they’re fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through ( fly-by noises ) They do nothing, they don't even eat flies! You know? Spiders eat flies, so they're all right, keep them, you know? Flies don't eat fuckall, so kill 'em! And clay pigeons - everyone shoots them in the air. Wait 'til they land! Then go up to the clay pigeon... ( shoots ) Much easier.
Yeah. So! I didn't join the army, as you might have noticed... Yeah, ‘cause there's not much makeup in the army, is there? No? They only have that night-time look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? And they look a mess! So you can't join, even though the American armed forces have a distinct policy of "don't ask, don't tell" towards the alternative sexualities. If you're a bloke wearing a lot of makeup, you know… I don't think they need to ask, really! And so you can't join, they go, "No, no, you can't.It's the wrong shade of lipstick for the Army, I'm afraid..." And they're missing a huge opportunity here, ‘cause we all know one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise, and so what could be more surprising than the 1st Battalion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne wing! The airborne wing parachuting into dangerous areas with fantastic makeup! And a fantastic gun! And the opposing forces going, "Fucking ‘ell, look at these guys! Look at that! They’ve got guns. They've got guns! Jesus, they've got guns!" Ah, bugger. I was so surprised! Were you surprised? I was surprised.
Anyway, so yes, sooo… Also, if you're a transvestite, you get lumped into that weirdo grouping, you know? When I was in New York, there was a guy in the Bronx whowas living in a cave…like you do, and he was coming out and shooting at geese and… ( chuckles ) a lot of weird things going on with this guy; and the police picked him up and they found a collection of women's shoes, and they thought, "Maybe he's a transvestite.” And if he is, he's a fucking weirdo transvestite! I'm much more in the executive transvestite area. Travel the world, yes, it's much more executive. Like J. Edgar Hoover, what a fuckhead he was! They found out when he died that he was a transvestite, and they go, "Well, that explains his weird behavior!" Yeah, fucking weirdo transvestite! ( pointing to himself )Executive transvestite. It's a lot wider community, more wide than you'd think…
(
VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:08,
archived)
oh let's not dredge that up, rr.bad times :(
dvd extra: alternate ending. hello how're you? haven't seen you here in a while
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manolith hooray for me, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:29,
archived)
I am fine thank you. Busy busy busy,Just passing through, though I shall on again properly soon I should imagine.
Hope all's good. Love to Sheila and the kids.
Yours,
RR
p.s. has that rash cleared up yet?
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RR I love you ... in a way, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:41,
archived)
cheery-byep.s no, it's gotten much worse. it spreads to anything i touch. ANYTHING.
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manolith hooray for me, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:43,
archived)
I BE NOT A PIRATE.i am well and VERY HAPPY today YEAH
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sleepybinky, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:48,
archived)
kHEY YOU!
eh?
WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
what?
WHAT YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT JUNK?
what junk?
ALL THAT JUNK INSIDE THAT TRUNK
what trunk?
THAT TRUNK RIGHT THERE ON THE STAIR
um, do I know you?
THAT LITTLE TRUNK WITH CLOGS ON
look, just go away will you
CLOGS ON HIS JUNK
fuck off
(
VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:19,
archived)
BiggarEDIT: Better.
*laughs at sketch*
Also I am laughing at Eddie Izzard talking sign language to monkeys.
*gesticulates* I WANT A FUCKING BANANA
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The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:09,
archived)
It isI wish I had an outdoorsy job. But only when it's nice like today. If it's cold I want an indoorsy job.
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SuperMatt, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:11,
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it is, gmos. it is.it makes me wish i wasn't doing a 12 hour shift
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manolith hooray for me, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:12,
archived)
I didn't like that bit when it rained blood and huge dead black birds.(
Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:23,
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It's not racist if they're dead.(
Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:30,
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If you have lots of them in your area it's a great prank to cover your friend's car roof in breaded chickenthey'll make a terrible mess of it
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glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:43,
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slightly uncomfortable with this post right now(
glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:44,
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No, that was you making something up. You're a liar.Hey! Everyone! He's a liar....fucking liar.
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Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:10,
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i'm upset now, dg.why would he lie on the internet? what could he possibly stand to gain?
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manolith hooray for me, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:16,
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I've got no idea :(I feel like...I dunno, like Jesus doesn't exist or something, you knowwhatImean?
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Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:17,
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i think we'll pull through thisbut it will take time. as a precaution, i'm cancelling the 'everything is ok' picnic :(
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manolith hooray for me, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:18,
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sensible*sigh* i just wish these things weren't necessary
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manolith hooray for me, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:32,
archived)
I know. I don't even have any food. I'll have to just eat dust bunnies. It's too dangerous to venture out.(
Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:33,
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if you've taken your computer with you under the bed, you can order pizza(
manolith hooray for me, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:41,
archived)
Sorry to butt inbut cheers for my randomburn Paul. Got it last week, some class tracks on it.
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Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:42,
archived)
no problem!i've still only received one!
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manolith hooray for me, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:44,
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YOU!www.b3ta.com/links/Dramatic_Pug
Have you seen this yet?
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Mrs Sp@m, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:36,
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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE(
Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:37,
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ahahathat's pretty good. shoddy camera work though.
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manolith hooray for me, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:42,
archived)
This is the best post on b3ta everI give it 9 Theobans out of 10
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Theoban What of it, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:11,
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you know what, you could delete this thread and no one would care(
Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:11,
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Oh hai Frank.*high fives*
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Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:12,
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lololbzzz etcnot long now
*fives*
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Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:13,
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Woo!How is your shiny new pootah?
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Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:16,
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I'm bored of it, I might smash it up(
Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:17,
archived)
Cool, use a lump hammer.(
Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:22,
archived)
Flange(
VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:18,
archived)
THE BEST KIND(
Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:17,
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MORNING SHOUTY :) HOW ARE YOU?I WANT TO BLOW A RASPBERRY ON YOUR UNDER-BOOB.
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Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:19,
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I AM OKAY THANKSA BIT HUNGRY
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Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:22,
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Funny that.I was thinks along the same lines.
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Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:12,
archived)
on it's own number 9only kidding b3ta bingo will resume on the 13th of may(i mean june), please feel free to gaz for a bingo card nearer the time, eyes down from 8pm, good luck, top prizes
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mongychops, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:13,
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next year?remind me nearer the time eh?
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Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:14,
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oops, i went a bit mad there i meant the 13th of june, 2 weeks time(
mongychops, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:15,
archived)
What prizes?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!!???!?!!!?!?!!??!?!!?!??!?!!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!??I could do with the prize of more exclamation & question marks, as I appear to have used all mine up...
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Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:16,
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well vlad won this weeks bingo but strangely didn't want his prize so someone will get that, top prize(
mongychops, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:17,
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aw man, I hope it's a bum punch...I want to win :((
Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:24,
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i feel the flaw in me giving prizes out is that nobody wants me to have their home address, this bemuses me some what, i'm a nice person(
mongychops, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:26,
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You can leave it on some steps at Piccadilly and I'll slink past and gobble at it with glee(
Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:31,
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i can't do that, it's a nail bombonly joking, great prizes
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mongychops, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:34,
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don't tell me you will be away from your pc on saturday the 13th of june at 8pm and will miss the bingo?say it aint so
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mongychops, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:19,
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I will be here, I have no life.But it is a long way away:(
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Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:22,
archived)
i can only run it every 2 weeks, that is the flaw in b3ta dull thread bingo, but it makes it even more exciting, or not, no offencegreat bingo
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mongychops, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:25,
archived)
Cool, cool.I shall make a note of it in my diary.
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Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:26,
archived)
i'm hoping for a larger uptake this time and someone to moan and whinge about it more(
mongychops, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:28,
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I'm trying to make Noit join in.I don't see how anyone could moan about it, apart from not getting their numbers.
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Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:30,
archived)
someone is bound to feel it is beneath them and from their high ground belittle the playersDruid nearly did but he just managed to stop himself taking the internet too srrs intime
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mongychops, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:31,
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*frowns*but i don't like it!
*stamps foot*
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manolith hooray for me, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:31,
archived)
it really is the end of forum life as we know itviva the bingo revolution
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mongychops, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:35,
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What convinced you that was even slightly amusing?(
Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:21,
archived)
my brainbut I concede that it has lied to me in the past
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VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:27,
archived)
I'd suggested finding a massive knife and plunging it into said brain.Teach it a lesson.
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Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 10:44,
archived)
