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Aardfternoon.
I don’t know all of you as well as I could. Some of you have been here for decades and I don’t know a thing about you. I’m sure that’s a good thing in some cases, but for those of you who aren’t total fucking pricks: what’s the first thing I should know about you?

Alt: no there is no alt, answer the question, damn you.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 12:49, archived)
My mother's maiden name is Halifa.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 12:51, archived)
Interesting.
Is Halifax/Halifa X derived from that, like Malcolm X?
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 12:53, archived)
Yes, exactly.
Coincidentally, my first pet's name was Malcolm and my first car was a Tesla Model X - I got it on my 21st birthday on 13/7/22.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:34, archived)
Your security questions have been saved

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:28, archived)
I forgot to mention
that the car was a gift from Geoffrey, my best friend since we were in St Saviour's Primary School, and that it's green (which is my favourite colour).
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:39, archived)
This is obviously all lies.
No-one likes green.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:46, archived)
alright Kermit's nephew, enough with the self-pity

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:47, archived)

bah
Bird of the day: Carolina Wren (Thryothorus ludovicianus)
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 15:01, archived)
I saw a superb fairy-wren in Australia once.
It was fabulous!
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 16:30, archived)
No, it was Superb
AI Overview
There are many delicious herbs that can be used in soups to enhance the flavor and aroma.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 16:39, archived)
HI I'M KERMIT

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 15:01, archived)
When you look at it constructively the Muppets were shit. I can explain my reasoning but I'm sure you already all agree. Thanks

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 15:46, archived)
American Vaudeville bollocks, never got the appeal

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 15:53, archived)
I mean more in their professional capabilities, but certainly chosen a very hard form of entertainment led to incompetence.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 16:01, archived)
mnah mnah

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 16:27, archived)
I once got punched by former miss world Ashwarya Rai

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 12:52, archived)
Did you deserve it?

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 12:54, archived)
sort of yeah
I accidentally got in her eyeline during a take
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:01, archived)
You irredeemable bastard.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:06, archived)

+spunk line
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:17, archived)

accidentally
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:36, archived)
How can she punch?!

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:07, archived)
'AWFUL!!'

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:15, archived)
I bet you had a good wank about that afterwards.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:24, archived)
So did I.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:24, archived)
I hope you did away with outmoded gender stereotypes and smacked her in the chops

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:36, archived)
My knickers are red and they have polka dots on.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 12:54, archived)
Thanks for that reminder and making me want to vomit directly into your eyeballs.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 12:55, archived)
Brace yourself

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 12:57, archived)
^ noob can't meme

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 12:56, archived)
'podka'

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:02, archived)
Damned auto correct

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:18, archived)
I talk a lot of shit

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:02, archived)
Well now I don’t know if that statement is true or just shit.
It’s like one of those paradoxes or sutin.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:07, archived)
The first guard only talks shit, the second only calls you a wanker.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:20, archived)
Bob Hoskins gave me the best advice I've ever had
"Garold*, never put your own money in a movie." We were talking about the film Secret Agent that he starred in, alongside Christian Bale, Robin Williams, Patrica Arquette, Gérard Depardieu and Jim Broadband. You'd think with a cast like that it'd be a great movie, a huge success. Bob thought so too so invested in it himself. With his own money. Which he regretted deeply.

*he didn't call me Garold, he used my actual, real name.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:09, archived)
Was this long enough ago that he was still known as Jim Dialup rather than Jim Broadband?

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:15, archived)
Dialup Danesh

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:33, archived)
Mike Dialup

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:49, archived)
Baud Adams

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:22, archived)
Modemis Roussos

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:40, archived)
BBS King

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:59, archived)
Telegraph Savalas

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 15:03, archived)
Fibre Woods

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 15:05, archived)
Misty in Routers

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 15:54, archived)
Bruce Wireless

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 16:44, archived)
Minnie Driver

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 16:45, archived)

vg
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 16:45, archived)
The Bluetooth Man Group

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 16:45, archived)
The Modem Lovers

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 16:46, archived)
i win, fuck you all

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 16:48, archived)
Jim Broadband

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:16, archived)
James sub-Broadband

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:18, archived)
Jim Baudbent

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:47, archived)
That I am an actual fucking prick.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:16, archived)
There’s always one.
Or more.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:17, archived)

Some of you have been here for decades and I don’t know a thing about you. I’m sure that’s a good thing in some cases, but for those of you who aren’t total fucking pricks: what’s the first thing I should know about you?

Alt: no there is no alt, answer the question, damn you.


And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:25, archived)
*notes that Aardvark was born on 16/07/1924*

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:36, archived)
Wouldn't it be 1914 if it was my eleventy-first birthday?

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:51, archived)
This is why my complex identity-theft scheme fell flat on its face.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:00, archived)
^Dildo Baggins

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:37, archived)
Why have i been excluded from this?

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:34, archived)
Don't tell anyone this: you're actually my favourite b3tan.
Don't tell anyone, because it's not true in any way.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:38, archived)
We all know the truth.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:13, archived)
No, I'm telling them.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:15, archived)
first of all, I'm a delight

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:35, archived)
+angel

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:37, archived)
Yes but what else?
I already knew that.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:39, archived)
i once slipped and skewered my cock on a railing spike after slipping whilst leaning over these railings trying to knock on my own promenade apartment window
my whole bodyweight was on the spike which was in my cock as i effectively planked trying not to fall into the cut out for the basement windows. my knob went black.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 17:55, archived)
Well that’s certainly a story.
I hope your knob’s the right colour now.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 19:30, archived)
Well, I'm fresh 'cause I'm the best
And I get wild when I'm riled
I never get passed by 'cause I'm fly
And I'ma put you on hold 'cause I'm bold
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 13:45, archived)
Ok but that's four things and now I have to write them all down.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:02, archived)
all you need to remember is "overshares"

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:10, archived)

it's best to know absolutely nothing about me, perhaps even less than that x
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:04, archived)
I find this unacceptable, so tell me all of your darkest secrets.

(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:08, archived)
absolutely not
*twitches*
(, Wed 16 Jul 2025, 14:28, archived)