I wouldn't want to be attacked by this...

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 1 May 2008, 18:18, 2 replies)

I had a cat which was an utter cunt
Basically went with my ex to go and rescue a cat which sounded all nice when you're setting up home etc. We (well I) decided that it would be called Kato, and it would be like the Pink Panther movies with Clesaue etc, only without the bombs or actual pain. I would have been better off buying a Chinese sidekick from a gangter into human shipping in all fairness.

The people at the sanctury warned us about the beast when we saw him... though it was clear by the size of him he was no Kato, with a penchant for pigeon pies, so we decided we'd call him Sumo. He seemed really friendly, well until the fucker bit me. But I blamed myself, we were in his domain... he was scared and all that. Given that I've been brought up with animals (yeah, my name's actually Tarzan) - many rescued - we thought that he'd be fine with a bit of TLC.

He was one of the most attention seeking cats I've ever seen. He'd constantly made noise, came sat on you demanding petting and of course food. We took our time with him, slowly, but the biting continued whilst the ex was getting scratched. He'd come up and without warning attack. So there'd you be stroking him... and next thing he'd be purring etc and then he'd be hanging from you - the cunt. I've had animals which don;t like certain things or were scared of situation etc, but this was just plain sadism.

We split up after three months, of getting him, obviously not anything to do with him. But I certainly didn't want to keep hold of the biting bastard cat at such a time especially. Apparently it had to go after it tore her Dad's sack... perhaps he wasn't that bad!
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:58, 2 replies)

I am currently being attacked...
by Criminal Defendants. I have always thought of them as animals.



Damn you arraignment day!
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 1 May 2008, 17:50, Reply)

there was a time
when I saw a shark jump out of the water and eat a bloke hanging down from a helicopter. There might be photo's of it somewhere but I'm not sure.
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:42, 3 replies)

I was once having a post-shower nap
Naked, of course, and the dog came in and tried to bite my cock off. Aaand it thwacked off her nose and sent her scampering off.

Also, my laser-beam armed shark- inflatable though it is so not really an animal- near blinded me this morning by falling off the wall and getting the laser's "on" switch stuck on. Pointing 2" from my eyes when I woke up.

Clearly, animals- real or inflatable plastic- really don't like me!

Also, I feel I really need to learn to reword stories to be more interesting...
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:34, Reply)

Not trying to piss anyone off
Is it just me, or can everyone else see the irony inherent in 'someone' (no names mentioned) complaining about people chatting inanely a la myspace or youtube, then violently flaming everyone involved. Is that not also textbook myspace/bebo behaviour?

No?

Just me?


P.S I await the inevitable flaming
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:32, 7 replies)

I was once attacked
by an animal as well.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:31, Reply)

if the mods aren't happy
they should close the thread and start a new one. The reason why this is getting spammed is because it's a recycled thread and it's been going on for too long.
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:27, 4 replies)

Last (on topic) post?
Waking up to find 5.2kg of cat* sitting on your chest, meowing gently and licking your face. It's apparently his way of saying "Get up and feed me, or I'll keep doing this"

*Weighed for the purposes of science idle curiosity. It's very hard to weigh a cat on a bathroom scale
( le brian, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:27, 4 replies)

Jaws of Death!
Cripes! A week and a half away - I missed you lot!

Quick on-topic story:

I'm afraid of dogs, although thanks to the help of the father in law (who is a dog handler), I'm getting over that.

It stems from a visit to my Dad when I was a kid. We walked over to the park so I could mess around on the big wooden bridge and slide thing, while Dad could smoke himself in to an early grave.

However, this peaceful idyll was shattered by... TEENAGERS!

This was 1986, so chavs hadn't been invented yet, but they filled the classification. They also had a Rottweiler (sp?) with them. Which was not on the leash. Which ran after me.

I remember, to this day, seeing the jaws of this dog while looking out of the corner of my eye, remember the feeling as it lifted my legs from under me and knocked me to the ground.

I've never heard my Dad shout and swear so much, and I think his quick reactions saved me from being bitten, or worse.

True, the dog probably only wanted to play, but sheesh.

However, I think I'll be getting my own best friend one day... :)

EDIT - Or rather, I missed the well-written, funny or meaningful stories, and not the end-of-week sniping and arguing. Can't we all just get along? Or, even better, if you're bored there's a whole internet out there. Or even, you know, outside. Just a thought...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:20, 1 reply)

Potential animal attack

i don't like being in deep water at teh best of times. but now that they have found that HUGE squid I may never venture into the sea again!

*sun baths out of reach of hooked tentacles and bone snapping beaks*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:18, Reply)

I grew up with turtles in the back yard
Lots of little turtles that my dad would bring home.

Every spring the turtles would mate. Or rather, the male turtles would chase the female turtles for mating but would actually mate with anything that stood still long enough.

There was one incident where Speedy went after a shovel. I think he may have even smoked a cig after he finished.


(the turtle attacked a shovel)
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 1 May 2008, 17:17, 10 replies)

While on topic with flies...
me missus just emailed me from the house. She just opened a new tin of SMA baby powder for instant milk making and on top of the powder was a dead fly. Lots of protein for baby in each one.

Funnily enough she's just made a slight complaint to them, dunno what the outcome will be yet though.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:15, 1 reply)

Making up for lost time...
My tortoise is shedding her skin at the moment.
Tortises do this very differently to snakes, in that it happens bit by bit.

Sometimes these bits get stuck on, to you have to pull them off. I was doing this last night, near her back leg, and she decided to hose me down with liquid green shit.

Not impressed.
( Cawl, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:14, Reply)

Once upon a time
an ex of mine didn't get along well with one of my cats. They all liked each other for the first few years. But the love-fest began to wear thin when the younger of the 2 cats stuck his nose in the ex's bum during a bit of sexy-time.

The ex jumped out of bed screaming. Apparently he didn't like the attack of the cat nose.



(pearoast)


(happy now Humpty?)
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 1 May 2008, 17:13, 7 replies)

The blame for any inane posting
lies squarely with the mods who don't change the sodding question.

The image challenge changes regularly every Thursday morning, why not the QOTW?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:13, 6 replies)

oh..
..frig. stll no new qotw

this is an outrage...


last

hehehe
( Adolf Jitler is editor of Practical Shoelace Collector, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:11, Reply)

On topic
Midges have been known to dismantle me 1 blood cell at a time.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:06, Reply)

on topic
I got bit by a mosquito once. Bastard.
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:05, Reply)

Yes Humpty...we are immature
We realize and accept this about ourselves. And we are in therapy for this.


rising bum...that's funny.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 1 May 2008, 17:00, 20 replies)

What about attacking animals?
I found a toad in my garden who's front legs had been ripped off by a cat. It wasn't going anywhere, and was clearly going to die soon, by starvation if nothing else.

So I did what any self-respecting passerby would, and got my air rifle out and shot it in the head. Not content with just the x-axis, I did the y and z just to be sure.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 1 May 2008, 16:59, 3 replies)

flirting with badgers
Japan, the land of the rising bum.
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Thu 1 May 2008, 16:59, Reply)

Here
its nearly going home time - so BABY JEBUS CUNTING FUCK HURRY THE FUCK BUGGERY UP AND CHANGE!


*breathes*
(Nogin the Nog is the good one! Beware Nogbad the Bad!, Thu 1 May 2008, 16:58, Reply)

Seriously.
Go read the old QOTW's and look how their last pages went.

You lot have turned up relatively recently and are rendering the last few decent stories useless on a weekly basis because all you can do is whitter on inanely with fuck-all amusing to say. Noone apart from yourselves want to read it.

You're turning it into a frikking chat page.

Seriously Grow the fuck up, and go an play on MyFace or Beebo or whatever the fuck you imagination-free little twats play on.

.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 1 May 2008, 16:58, 4 replies)

Mr. Dog..
what the hell country are you in?

(you aren't the dog that is currently being held hostage and tortured, are you?)
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 1 May 2008, 16:58, Reply)

well
here is's nearly 1am. Beat THAT!
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Thu 1 May 2008, 16:57, Reply)

yup..
hair of the dog.....isn't it about that time anyway?

For you guys at least. Over here it is only a bit before 11am
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 1 May 2008, 16:56, Reply)

How is that going to work?
Everyone likes a hair of the dog...




/coat
(Nogin the Nog is the good one! Beware Nogbad the Bad!, Thu 1 May 2008, 16:55, Reply)

Pavlov's Frog's Dog has no nose!
...awful.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 1 May 2008, 16:55, 1 reply)

Start plucking hairs out of the tail..
that should get 'em
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 1 May 2008, 16:54, Reply)