The B3ta UK ManifestoWith the General Election nearly upon us, here's your chance to lay out your own manifesto for the UK. What would you do if you were in charge? Here's your chance to think big! (Or you can call for free hugs and chocolate biscuits. They're important too.)
(, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 17:23)
This question is now closed.
THE SKAGRAN MANIFESTOI am Dr Skagra and these are my policies - a 20-point plan to make this world I happen to be trapped on a better place. Most apply only to the United Kingdom but some (e.g. 1, 5 and 15) can be rolled out worldwide. And WILL be, if you VOTE SKAGRA!
1. I, Dr Skagra, to be made Supreme Commander of the planet Earth, its territories and satellites. All my commands to be obeyed immediately on pain of painful death. An enormous castle to be built somewhere nice by the sea for me to live within and rule from.
2. The televisual representation of that time-travelling tosspot ‘Doctor Who’ to be cancelled without hope of renewal. (I realise with some distaste that I share common ground with Ukip on this matter, however, I stand by this policy.)
3. The band Razorlight, their fans, friends, families and pets to be dropped into an active volcano.
4. The Fall to compose a new National Anthem for the UK.
5. The problem of immigration / migration / overpopulation and therefore hunger, poverty, inequality etc to be solved by the simple expedient of opening up the planet to alien invasion every five years. This would reduce the population of Earth as its inhabitants are either exterminated, converted, or carted offworld to alien slave camps. The following have registered expressions of interest in this scheme: the Daleks, Cybermen, Sontarans, Ice Warriors, Slitheen, Kraals, Terileptils, Nestenes, Drahvins, Sycorax, Zygons, Krotons, Axons, Dominators, Monoids, Krillitanes, Voords, and the Taran Wood Beasts.
6. The financial crisis, the credit crunch, the recession, the national debt. I would solve this simply by abolishing money. What you use in its place is up to you to sort out, but at least you wouldn’t have to worry about mortgages, loans, credit cards, pensions, and all that shite.
7. Royal Scot biscuits to be brought back.
8. Health. As a Time Lord, I am more or less immortal. I cannot die – not even in a fire – because we Time Lords have this thing called 'regeneration', a tumultuous biological upheaval that rearranges the cells in our body, renewing and rejuvenating, giving us a body and a new personality, often wildly different to the preceding ones. And at the end of our regeneration cycle we can get given a new one if we moan enough to the High Council. You, my poor sweeties, do not have this luxury, and live astonishingly brief mayfly lives, subject to the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. I would therefore enter into an agreement with the Sisterhood of Karn to make the Elixir of Life available on the NHS, to cure all your ills and ailments, even cancer, Ebola and AIDS.
9. Education. All teachers to be allowed to discipline their pupils in any way they see fit without fear of accusation of being a peadoe. ('Nonce alert! Nonce alert!' - there, I've saved you valuable time).
10. People who lick their fingers noisily during or after eating to be dropped into oubliettes.
11. Transport. All private motor vehicles to be banned unless required by need (e.g. disability). Cycling to be made compulsory (except for those unable due to disability, old age or infirmity). I will not touch the trains because I believe you stupid pudding-brained apes deserve some suffering in your lives, however, I will make it legal for you to brutally slaughter anyone who makes undue noise in a quiet carriage.
12. Defence. See Policy no. 5.
13.
14. Slavery to be reintroduced on a lottery basis. The National Lottery is to be retooled and rebranded for this purpose. Instead of financial prizes, there will be two sets of 1000 ‘winning’ numbers each week. The losing thousand will be forced to work for the winning thousand for a period of 18 months. There will also be a ‘bonus ball’ option where ten lucky winners will be allowed to track down and murder ten unlucky losers without fear of prosecution.
15. All religion to be abolished. There’s no such thing as God, and it is extremely embarrassing for you lot that belief still persists well into the 21st century. Anyone who still clings to their religion will be executed so that they can enjoy the glory of the ‘afterlife’ they so fervently believe in.
16. A certain Antipodean gentleman who I shall not very obliquely refer to as ‘Thief Pleasantresidence’ to be allowed back onto B3ta.
17. Nigel Blackwell to be made Poet Laureate.
18. Bullying of gingers to be made punishable by death, and all ginger-haired people
19. The environment. You stupid cunts have done such a fantastic job of fucking up your own planet that there is nothing that can be done to save Earth from certain doom. Recycle all you want, but you’ve got less than a hundred years, maybe a hundred and fifty, two hundred max. I therefore propose relocation of key individuals to another planet, probably Florana. These individuals will be chosen by myself. The rest of you can remain here to perish.
20. Free pickled onions for all.
So VOTE SKAGRA sweetiesze! Actually it doesn’t matter if you do or not, because I can always raise an army of giant cybernetic octo-badgers or something to subjugate you all. Either way I win!
LAIGH8TERSZ!
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(, Sat 25 Apr 2015, 16:56, 19 replies)
Ban people going into politics straight from universityMP's should have at least ten or fifteen years of either being employed, being unemployed or being in business before they're allowed to run for office. The whole scene now seems to be clogged with people who have no idea what life is really like for the majority of people in this country. Anyway, students are twats. Fuckin' students.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 23:42, 4 replies)
THE INYOURENDO PARTY ALL-INCLUSIVE MANIFESTO: WITH THIS, OUR EYEBROW-RAISING COMPREHENSIVE MANIFESTO WILL ENSURE THAT WE GO DOWN IN THE ANALS OF HISTORYMUSIC
Orchestral wind sections will be given larger grants, owing to the delight of seeing people blow horns and purse their lips to other peoples' flutes.
Keyboardists must always clearly display tulips on their organs.
SPORT
Rugby will be played only by men with odd-shaped balls, and more hookers will be put into the game to make it more exciting. The man of the match will, at the end of each game, show his tackle.
Boxers are expected to take a good battering about the ring.
Anglers shall be expected to have clean flies, and generally favourable tackle.
Maggots are not allowed to be put in the mouth, as some fishermen do, and their poles are expected to be as long as possible.
Bullfights are to be introduced, providing the Matador can stick his weapon in the bull's ring without buckshot. Winners of all bullfights will get the horn.
LIFESTYLES
People will be able to come out more frequently.
People coming into money will be able to splash out as freely as they wish.
Everyone shall be given a free entry on the National Lottery, unless they are physically impaired in which case, they will receive a bonus ball.
People shall be expected to have presentable and regularly cleaned knobs and knockers, or their doors will be confiscated.
People shall be encouraged to attend more performances, unless they are goers already.
Wine glasses are to be prohibited. Instead, wine shall be drunk from hairy goblets or flutes.
Bald clams are no longer permissible.
Eating out is not allowed.
ANIMALS
The following animals are thought highly of by our party, and we shall eliminate outmoded pets as we put this proposition into place: pussies, beavers, and any form of horny beast. Parakeets are not allowed unless their peckers are more impressive than usual. Stabbing birds is agreed as fine, however stabbing sheep unacceptable outside of lonely shepherd circles. Stabbing pigs will be cracked down on severely.
UNIONS
They will be given larger packets at the end of each week to enhance their enjoyment of the weekend.
Members will be bloody well hung if they commit any anti-social behaviour like popping out for a fag or some crumpet.
Miners shall be given more shafts, cleaner shafts, and more lee-way for going down in lifts.
The width of the passage shall be increased to allow double or triple entry.
TRADESMEN
All tradesmen will be made to use "tradesman's entrances" when going to work.
Milkmen will always leave cream up the back-passage.
Candle-stick-makers will be encouraged to dip their wicks in as often as possible.
Butchers shall not slap their meat on the counter willy-nilly, they must be offered payment first. Also, the cleaver they use to slice ham, gammon and other swine or boar-related produce is to be re-named, the "pork-sword". All beef shall be kept behind curtains.
Woodsmiths and other men who handle their tools a lot will be allowed to screw and bang at all times of the day. All tools must be of a sensible length - for instance, how much drilling could you get done with a 2" tool?
RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS
At Christmas time, every one will receive the opportunity of pulling a fair few crackers, stuffing a bird or two and/or giving birth to the saviour of mankind.
At Easter, a census will count how much chicks have laid over the past year. Hot buns are favourable.
Porking will be severely punishable during periods. Especially those of Jewish celebration. Caps must be worn, and no participant may have more than three skins.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 0:31, 6 replies)
Global ManifestoForce everyone to randomly swap countries every 5 years. Hopefully it'll motivate us to stop fucking the place up for each other, and when numbnuts start chanting shit like "Britain First!" the natural response will be "Why?"
(
ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 13:01,
Reply)
sue perkins for pm(
The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 27 Apr 2015, 13:18,
6 replies)
scrap feeslegalise drugs
leave the EU
send the blacks back to their own country
scrap taxes
lower the age of consent to 3
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 13:13, 3 replies)
any person or organisation that owns 3 or more homes must pay a yearly tax of 0.5% of the value of those homes each yearyou can have one home, and one investment property or holiday home, but any more and you get taxed. this would reign in the buy-to-let purchases that distort the property market, and make society a little more equitable and nice.
I'd also ban short selling of stocks. there's no argument of wealth creation, it's just pure speculation. It used to be banned and should be again.
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cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 10:40,
34 replies)
Since it seemed appealing last time,here's my proposal from almost 4 years ago.
*cue military music*
PEOPLE OF B3TA!
Your ideas for fixing the world are well-meaning, but ultimately a naïve. The world will be improved by them in certain cosmetic respects, but the big problems will remain unaddressed.
What the world needs is a genuine vision. Something that will shake it to the core, raze it to the ground, and start again.
A radical change. Epoch-making. Tectonic.
We must rebuild the world in such a way as to mean that the old world is not just a memory; it must not be a memory at all. It must be an impossibility in the minds of the enlightened children of the future - a mere incoherence.
We must prepare for something cataclysmic. Nothing else will do.
And if we examine the darkest and deepest recesses of our collective souls, we know what form this cataclysm must take.
Friends, b3tans, lurkers, all. There is no time to hesitate. Now is the time for action.
The label must be redesigned so that it actually fits bottles of Angostura bitters.
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Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 20:26,
4 replies)
This is my five point manifesto for when I'm rightfully recognised as Britain's leader1) Dig up all the streets. Replace britain's roads with a system of bike lanes and maglev trams and nice potted azaleas. The occasional bike/tram accident would enough to keep the azaleas well fertilised.
2) Invade Belgium. They wouldn't be expecting it.
3) Have each individual's yearly tax rate determined by spinning a Wheel of Tax. It would stop complacency.
4) To boost tourism I'd put Ye Olde in front of all road names. "Ye Olde M56 to Barnsley". The yanks would fucking love it.
5) I would make Britain great again, get Britain working again, put jobs first. And education first. Jobs and education would get equal first and have to be referred to the fourth umpire for video analysis. I would cut the deficit. We would have a deficit deficit under myself. I would take Britain out of europe. We will join the Mercosul if they'll have us. And we need to stop the number of immigrants. Under my rule, no Britain will be allowed to leave these shores so help me god.
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cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:14,
22 replies)
I say we take offand nuke the entire planet from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.
(, Mon 27 Apr 2015, 11:37, 3 replies)
A vote for me is a vote for burning Dr. Skagra.(
monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 18:34,
2 replies)
Sterilise those with an IQ under 100.Simples.
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JebediahSpringfield, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 8:58,
6 replies)
1. Golf to be outlawed, cos it's just a load of old farts dressed in ridiculous outfits knocking a silly little ball round Telly Tubby Land.
2. The only approved hand drier will be the Dyson Airblade - those crappy Warner Howard World Dryer Corporation™ ones that are useless would be banned, as well as those stupid new ones that sound like a scramjet and still don't dry your hands.
3. Football to be banned, that goes without saying.
4. McDonald's can no longer call their outlets "restaurants". Restaurants have cutlery.
5. The death penalty for anyone found driving with their fog lights on when there is no fog.
6. Nationalise ebay.
7. Every man be given a real "get out of jail free card", which actually gets you out of jail, free.
Just for starters.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 18:50, 4 replies)
The B3tan Republics of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and LondonOkay, here's my dream for the UK's future, and yes, I am a raving mad socialist. So shoot me.
1. The four nations of the United Kingdom and the city of London shall become politically and economically independent from each other, but shall be compelled to enter a free trade arrangement with each other.
2. Each nation will be compelled to have a written constitution, and any changes to said constitutions must be approved via a public referendum.
3. The monarchy shall be completely abolished, and the majority of their property and wealth shall be taken into the public domain.
4. All industries that employ more than 1% of the population or are considered essential to the functioning of the country (e.g. public transport) shall be nationalised.
5. The nations, particularly England because of its size and population, shall be compelled to use a federal system of government and devolve extensive powers to local communities.
I'm going to leave it to you guys to draft the constitutions of these new nations, and to add anything you'd like to see in your particular B3tan republic.
Update: the position of Media Secretary for England shall be decided by a fight to the death between Katie Hopkins and Russell Brand.
(, Sun 26 Apr 2015, 19:41, 8 replies)
A b3ta ManifestoI'd implement the following policies upon taking over the site from the cold, emaciated corpse of Rob:
1) A new board: /circlejerk
The usual circlejerkers can then compliment each other until their hearts fill with squee without polluting the rest of /board.
2) Public condemnation of Sickipedia
I would distance this site from the hateful collection of racists, misogynists and general creepy fucking weirdoes that Sickipedia seems to attract.
3) Instaban for nonces.
Amorous Badger and Dr Shambolic will be given god-level privileges to remove creepy nonces, rather than the current policy of letting them stay.
4) Two image challenges per week.
A public vote for the challenge that week with the winning subject lasting the week from Thursday and the runner-up running concurrently from the Monday-Thursday. Also, mods are barred from making suggestions or overriding the vote to stop them stockpiling images before the announcement.
I'm open to further suggestions.
(
Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 26 Apr 2015, 12:12,
15 replies)
National referendum to bring back the death penaltyTwo questions on the card:
1: Do you want the return of the death penalty?
2: Given that the justice system is run by fallible and possibly corrupt humans, and that the eventual execution of an innocent person is therefore not only possible but actually inevitable, do you, personally, volunteer to be the first?
Anyone voting "YES/NO" is ignored, because what they are saying is "I want the return of the death penalty, but only if it only applies to other people". Such people should not have their views taken into consideration for anything.
Anyone voting "YES/YES" gets their vote counted. In the event they're in the majority (or even if they're not...), they're rounded up and executed (for which they have volunteered, remember), and then we run the vote again.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 14:15, 16 replies)
Reworked ideaI have an idea.
Let's have some form of culling introduced. I'd introduce a new national force known as 'The fuckwit squad'. They would patrol the country with one aim, to begin to eradicate the fuckwits among us to manageable levels, like we do with other vermin.
A typical fuckwit squad target would be a tracksuit-wearing bellend with a baseball cap, sporting a bulldog tattoo and carrying a copy of the Sun (white van is optional).
After being interviewed with a few simple questions to weed out normal people who may be posing as fuckwits for fancy dress parties, the now-confirmed fuckwit will be DNA tested, tattooed with a barcode and given a tracking microchip - then released back into the wild.
Now, here's the clever bit. When a non-fuckwit needs an organ transplant, we'll have a database of expendable fuckwits in which we can find a match. The fuckwit is called in or tracked down, culled (humanely, I'm not a monster) and his/her organs are harvested for the good of the non-fuckwit population.
This has three main benefits:-
1/ The urge to dress like*, act like** or actually be a fuckwit will be lessened.
2/ The transplant waiting lists will be cut and...
3? Most importantly, the more intelligent fuckwits will leave, hopefully to our nearest neighbours - France - thereby exporting the problem to Europe and as a bonus, pissing off the French!
Vote for me!
*see above re tracksuits etc
**The parameters of identifiable fuckwit behaviour should be obvious, wilful stupidity or displaying a flag of any sort on your Corsa is an automatic offence - natch.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2015, 8:45, 7 replies)
This question is now closed.