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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
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A mandate for the future.
To the citizens of the United States of America: in the light of your failure to competently govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up ‘aluminium’ and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter U will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter U is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

Learn that ‘yoghurt’ has the letter H in it.

You will end your love affair with the letter Z (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’.

You will learn that the suffix ‘-burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ‘vocabulary’. Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘uh’, ‘like’, and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up ‘interspersed’.

There will be no more bleeps in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as ‘US English’. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of ‘-ize’.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

Whilst we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is ‘Devon’ If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as ‘Men Behaving Badly’ or ‘Red Dwarf’ will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, ‘God Save The Queen’, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American ‘football’. There are other types of football such as Rugby, Association, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. What you refer to as American ‘football’ is not a very good game.

Initially, it would be best if you played Association Football with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to ‘American football’, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2012.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called ‘rounders’, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called ‘Indecisive Day’.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will convert to metric measurements with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. They aren't even French: they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called ‘crisps’. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts: this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling ‘beer’ is not actually beer at all: it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as ‘beer’, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as ‘lager’. The substances formerly known as ‘American beer’ will henceforth be referred to as ‘Near-Frozen Gnat Piss’ with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as ‘Weak Near-Frozen Gnat Piss’. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic; the existence of which 97.85% of you are unaware of) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or ‘gasoline’ as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon – get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 20:31, 22 replies)
This was a very entertaining read.
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 21:09, closed)
isn't this
by john cleese? i seem to recall seeing this in the form of a letter from him to america...

still good though!
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 21:15, closed)
I thought it sounded like David Mitchell
but then he nicks a lot of his stuff. :/
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 22:10, closed)

(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 21:19, closed)
I like America and Americans as a rule.
There, I said it.
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 22:14, closed)
Be gone with you.

(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 22:58, closed)
Americans as a rule.
For when you want to measure a large blobby shape?
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 23:26, closed)
They're perfect if you need to check if something is the same size as a Texan.

(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 8:32, closed)
You can use my wang as a ruler
It'll help you measure out three inches with no problems or it can govern a small body.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 15:04, closed)
This is exactly what I'm talking about
You'd never get a Brit offering his wang as a very short scabby ruler.

I salute you sir.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 15:38, closed)
email circular
from the Bush/Gore election cock up
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 22:35, closed)
Haha! Excellent stuff.
I don't care if you came up with it or not, it still make me laugh. Especially 3.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 9:30, closed)
As an American who is aware there are other countries than America.
I am heartily amused. When we are taken back into the fold, may I choose a Scottish accent? I picked on up while visiting and occasionally use it on random people when shopping. The shocked faces, louder speaking and deliberate eye contact makes me giggle.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 15:07, closed)
You know what you would've been without the yanks?
The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire. Britain is bumgay and everybody knows it.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 16:31, closed)
At least Putin would be more interesting that Cameron

(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 23:48, closed)
1998 called. It wants its circular email back

(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 17:48, closed)
My first response from you
Something to be cherished.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 21:41, closed)
AB can be a lot rougher for your 1st time.
Just be thankfull you go to put some towels down beforehand - it can get messy.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 23:44, closed)
It's okay.
blood's a natural lubricant.
(, Mon 26 Sep 2011, 22:28, closed)
The correct suffix usually is -ize,
if you look it up (as you suggest) in the Oxford English Dictionary. This is only in most cases though; certain verbs only use -ise. As a fellow Englishman, I suggest you learn your own language better!
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 19:12, closed)
I must admit,
this is a copy and paste job from Facebook.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 21:41, closed)
It must be
quite old. It's surely closer to $18 a gallon now.
(, Sun 25 Sep 2011, 22:00, closed)

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