During my student days
My girlfriend's housemate invited us to go and see some horribly twee "experimental" indie band - it might have been Mogwai, but don't hold me to that, as I drank quite a lot that night. Anyway, the band came on and one of them was playing electronic noises off a Gameboy while another was picking out a tinkly little melody on a child's xylophone. Seriously, if you can't afford proper instruments, just don't bother.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 18:00, 1 reply)

Moon Monkey's story reminded me of this:
Friday night, a couple of post-work beers with workmates. I've got the weekend to myself as Mrs V has gone on a hen-do.

A mate has joined me, and as we all chat, it transpires that one of the girls is going to "An electro gig - why don't you guys join us?"

"OK" say we, and off we head in the direction of - upsettingly - Old Street - towards Hoxton.

Oh dear fucking Christ on a brand-new bicycle.

There is a beard, with glasses over it, and - of course - a ponytail - standing at an Apple laptop.

He is making noise. I mean - just noise. Seriously. Don't get me wrong - I'm a fan of the musical arts, and experimentation. I remember when you couldn't hear the words, I've liked bands that have sung about pixies, I've done (massive) drugs and spaced out to sitars, and once danced at a cash machine.

But this really was noise. Sort of like feedback, mixed with static.

And the crowd - and there was a crowd, who were all bearded, bespectacled, and generally beponytailed - were loving it. I heard complimentary comments being passed about the quality of it. At one point, I will own, for about 30 seconds it vaguely morphed into a sort of drum n' bass-on-a-shitload-of-speed-like sound, which quickly gave way to ... more noise.

At one point, a beard walked past me who was wearing - I shit you not - a t-shirt with a line of HTML code on it. He was fucking complimented on it's wittiness by another beard.

Having paid a good five pounds to get in, and about that for a fucking beer, my friend and I were prepared to see the development. There wasn't any.

Afterwards, someone turned to me, impressed by the gig, and told me "If you liked that, my friend, then I advise you strongly to investigate 'Squarepusher'!".

I didn't.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:41, 13 replies)

Kunt and the Gang.
Nuff said.


Cheers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:40, 8 replies)

I rarely remember the gigs I've been to.
As I ensure I'm completely off my tits on Calpol before the first band starts.

It's done strange things to my genitals though.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:34, Reply)

I can't decide if it was terrrible or wonderful
I was taken to see an avante-gard industrial band in Austria, who rejoice in the name of Fuckhead.

As the gig started, the lights went down and a strange throbbing, grinding note began. Like perhaps the sound made by a black-and-decker drill grinding into the works of an electric guitar. A lone spotlight came on, shining not on the stage, but into the crowd. It became apparent that the note was coming from the guitar of one of the band, who was playing it while laying on the floor in the middle of the crowd, naked apart from tattoos and a few fragments of gaffer tape.

The noise built up, getting more and more distorted, and then he began to grunt what were presumably words. The heavy distortion, plus his strong accent and staccato delivery, meant that it was a while before I realised that I knew what he was singing:

"Too. Shy. Shy."

"Hush Hush"

"Eye. To. Eye"

Yes, possibly the oddest Kajagoogoo cover that the world has ever seen. I still can't work out if it was inspired post-modern art, or simply art-school wank. I did buy the CD, out of curiosity if nothing else, but I can't say it gets spun up often!

EDIT: here are the chaps in question:


(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:24, 4 replies)

OMG!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to 'Infest' this weekend. I've vajazzled my poo-hole, sequinned my 'flesh tunnels' and I've bought myself two litres of amyl nitrate ready to see 'Impotent Rage', 'Screaming Tantrum' and 'Disappointing Mock Results but we hope he'll grow out of it'.


/ac
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:23, 4 replies)

I successfully managed to miss The Trewgory Tree Fayre back in the '80s
According to one prick it was 'the UK's Woodstock'.

Everyone else refers to it as 'a load of fucking shit'.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:22, 2 replies)

My all-time favourite gig review:
"For forty minutes straight the band set your balls on fire and watch as your writhe in pain while they laugh and perform unnecessary surgery on the rest of your body. Switching from grinding torture-porn doom grooves to mid-tempo black metal blender noise, via a cacophonous combination of screeching oscillations and sickening, bowel spilling bass."

The weird part is, this was a GOOD review - they gave them 5 stars...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:15, Reply)

The review in the program simply read (roughly):
'Daphne and Celeste announced they were playing Reading before confirming with the organisers. In the end we put them on the main stage'.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hnxies4Wtk

My main regret was that I had used the lavatory shortly before, and couldn't join in the piss-throwing.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:14, 6 replies)

ELO
Sydney, Randwick Racecourse, some time in 1978. They were crap. "Played" for less than an hour - I say "played", but I'm sure they were miming to tape. Fucking wankers.
(Maclir, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:14, Reply)

Told this one before...
When I was young, keen and 17, I had a running joke with a not-very-famous band whereby I'd take my bra off during their gig and throw it at them. I can't throw very well, so I'd go down the front and lean on the barrier.
One particular time, I'd gone through this whole process, I was resting my spaniels' ears on the barrier, and someone decided to stage dive. In front of me. Trapping my left nipple between his boot and the barrier.
I never threw my bra again.
(and now for someone completely different, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:10, 3 replies)

Oh God I’ve just remembered another one.
This one was in some shithole pub in Finsbury Park. God knows why we went – the posters should have warned us: these cunts made a point of saying that they were ‘on a cocktail of drink and drugs’. I wish I was joking. The band logo was made to look like that of ‘Red Dwarf’: it was clear these wakki knobends were convinced of their own hilarity and boy they did not disappoint.

They took to the stage with these fucking balloons on their heads, looking for all the world like Ned’s Atomic Dustbin with terminal AIDS, and sounding like a busload of deaf mutes being tortured. To add insult to injury the lead singer (a monumental prick who called himself something like 'Envy') tried to stick a Lego Darth Vader up my girlfriend’s arse after the show.

I can tell you now that if me and the chaps hadn’t been majorly doobed-out on some serious spliffola, the night would have been a disaster.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:03, 2 replies)

Also, Mike Flowers Pops, and any other studenty ironiclol bands can fuck right the fuck off.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 17:01, 8 replies)

Glade festival 2007
Due to excessive flooding and the surrounding roads being four feet deep underwater, after the first night no-one could get in or out of the festival. So on the Saturday on the main stage, the first scheduled act was a dub/reggae band called Dreadzone who seem to turn up to each and every music festival at the drop of a hat. They started a little bit later than advertised and then, to cover the fact that none of the other acts could get onsite, played for about seven hours. They must have played every single song, cover version, B-side and extended remix in their repertoire twice before they were allowed to leave the stage.

Fortunately I'd taken some massive drugs with me, so I quite enjoyed it.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 16:47, 7 replies)

connor mockasin
supporting crowded house at manchester apollo. Truly appalling, he roped in Johhny Marr's son to play guitar that morning and he spent the whole of the set looking down at the floor where he obviously had the chords to play written down.

Plus anyone who has ever supported Ben Folds. I've seen him 3 times and each time they support act was instantly forgettable - hence me not knowing their names now, although one of them was a solo act who played the accordian if that helps.
(mrbridger2010, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 16:42, Reply)

So anyway, we started with a couple of the more obscure numbers
Then some prick shouted "Play Brimful Of Asha and PISS OFF!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 16:28, 2 replies)

I've seen The Fall three times now.
I liked them the third time.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 16:26, 6 replies)

DJ Speedranch supporting someone or another, I forget now.
But a dire speedcore DJ warming up for a metal band will never go down well. Virtually everyone in the audience spent the 45 minutes holding up middle fingers to him and bellowing "fuck off" or some variant thereof. Unfortunately this twat, who looked much like Ozzy covered in silly string, steadily turned his 'music' up louder and louder to make himself heard over all the abuse.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 16:22, Reply)

Pretty much every time I've ever seen Oasis
Except at Wembley in 2001, when they were supported by the Doves. I wasn't aware that it was possible to stretch a sort of nondescript whining noise over an entire set's worth of songs but the Doves managed it apparently without effort. In between, we were treated to the Happy Mondays, who were pretty fucking awesome, and they got stage-invaded by an obviously pissed-up Liam Gallagher, who spent the rest of their set and his own slagging off his recent ex-wife Patsy Kensit and trying to pick a fight with his brother. It was quite entertaining and far better than the night that they put on the DVD.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 16:17, 3 replies)

There was that bloke who fucked Imogen Thomas and then got a super injuction.
That was a bit bad.
( Muns, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 16:12, 5 replies)

I went to see a band that you really like but I thought they were shit.
You clearly have terrible taste in music.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 16:11, 4 replies)

I went to see Jet.
I'm not proud of it, they were relatively unknown at the time, I had a disposable income and was in the habit of going to see whatever new bands were playing in the area.
We arrived as the first band, The Stands, were playing their last two songs.
I wasn't bothered, they were trying to sound like Dylan circa '65 and not doing too great a job of it.
The second band, Mohair, were appalling. We sat in the bar area rather than watch them.
Finally Jet took to the stage and I lasted approximately one and a half songs, before giving up and going home.

It's good that you can easily listen to bands online before going to see them now.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 16:09, 4 replies)

On the subject of Cornershop...
They actually played my students' union (Central Lancashire, fact fans) while Brimful of Asha was ACTUALLY AT NUMBER ONE IN THE CHARTS which made them the first band to play our place while at number one (to be fair, we did used to get a lot of good gigs, many warming up for manchester or somewhere important, but to ACTUALLY be ACTUALLY number one at the ACTUAL time was a first).

Only the number one version was, of course, the Fatboy Slim remix. The original version of the song (that they played) was fucking terrible, went at about one mile an hour and sounded like something that George Harrison might come up with shortly before turning the gun on himself.

The gig started to a packed out enthusiastic crowd, they did Brimful of Asha first and most people left; by the time it finished (I was at the bar throughout, the beer was still cheap even if the music was shit) there were about 6 people still there. Most of them were in the band.
(Bappage, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 16:06, Reply)

We went to see the Jungle Brothers in the jungle
because ... jungle. They were definitely not terrible but it turns out Malaysians have no idea who they are.
'When I say Jungle you say Brothers. Jungle!'
*silence punctuated by insect chirps*
That's got to sting a bit.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 15:55, 7 replies)

REM in Hyde Park.
Feeder were a support act. They were really good if you like Feeder.
I don't like Feeder.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 15:55, 9 replies)

Back in the day, my local club had booked Mr C of Shaman fame.
He showed up off his face to the point he kept falling onto the decks, then a bouncer grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and chucked him out the back door. I assume he didn't get paid.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 15:51, Reply)

As a student I went to see Junior Senior live for a laugh. They had to play a massively extended version of 'move your feet' cos nobody knew any of their other songs.
Their support act was a pair of terrible female DJs called Queens of Noize with a scratched record collection.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 15:51, 4 replies)

Contrasts
I went to see Ash in about 1998. They were pretty good. But they had two support acts who were interesting.

The first support act were an all-girl band who jumped around a lot and played shouty, punky stuff. They were terrible. Miles out of tune and really tame. At one point the bassist tried to do the old 'throw the instrument in the air and then catch it' trick, and totally fumbled the catch, slamming the bass into the floor. From where I was standing up in the circle I could see a guitar tech facepalm in the wings. At the end the singer shouted abuse at us for being a shitty audience and got a full on chorus of boos.

The second support group were a band I'd never heard of before, and who's singer had been standing next to me laughing at the first lot (when he turned up on stage I suddenly realised why people had been coming up to say hello to him). They had a really good guitarist and were playing music that was aggressive, poppy, and pretty all at once. They were Idlewild and I thought they were brilliant.

Still, that first band were shite. I kind of feel sorry for them, looking back.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 15:48, 10 replies)

I'd do a Shed 7 joke here but they were quite good.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 15:47, 6 replies)

I went with some mates to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs once
Karen O seemed more concerned with her stupid costumes than anything musical and the high point of the evening came when the guy behind me shouted halfway through their set: "Why don't you play something good?"
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 25 Jul 2013, 15:47, 1 reply)